We Are Bulletproof

...
Now the smile disappeared and Edel was the one dropping his gaze. Yeah, there were jokes aplenty and Edel didn't believe them. Should he have, though? When he looked back up, his brow was slightly furrowed.

"Yeah? Because I thought if there was any truth to it, you would've said so a long time ago."

They were best friends, after all. No secrets. Except apparently, there were secrets the whole time.

"Even if I said something, would it have made any difference?" He was trying to hang on to the high of being drunk but a nasty grain of reality was beginning to filter through the haze. Cris pulled his hand away and let it rest against his own stomach.

Somehow it was harder to tell Edel about his feelings, precisely because they were best friends. Some things were off-limits. Having a crush on his best friend seemed like one of them and as time went on, it grew harder to tell the truth.

Edel didn't try to hang onto Cris' hand as it slid away. It was a physical reaction to the words he was speaking. It was also very like Cris to say something important and then withdraw. He was always doing that, withdrawing when shit got too real. Edel rolled onto his stomach and folded his arms under his chin.

"Which part?"

Because Cris being bisexual? Didn't make any difference to Edel. Cris liking Edel. That made a difference. But that part, that part was new... wasn't it? Because if it wasn't... Edel swallowed hard, then lowered his gaze to the sheets beneath his arms. Fuck.

"The only part that matters." Cris ran a hand over his face, feeling haggard. He probably looked haggard too, like his soul was collapsing in on itself. It sure felt like it, now that his drunken stupor was beginning to fade.

As for Edel... He looked like the world was bottoming out from under him. Why? Because Cris was bisexual? That didn't make much sense, if it was the liking men part that bothered him. But the other part, the one that mattered...

"You know there was no way I could say anything to you back then. I mean. We were. We are best friends. It just felt like... something I needed to keep to myself. I don't know." He was never exactly bright.

Edel let out a sigh. And then a laugh. And then he dropped his head into his arms because it was funny and it wasn't funny at the same time. What was this shit? Life was so stupid sometimes. It didn't make any sense. When he turned his head, he left it resting on his arms, derisive.

"You should've said it then. You know, back when I had a foolish crush on you. When it made more sense."

Because now. Now it was all complicated. This was terrible timing. The worst timing.

"I love Rey. Remember Rey? Ay dios," he muttered to himself. "He wasn't crazy jealous this whole time. He's just not stupid."

Cris flopped onto his back and stared up at the ceiling, not fully comprehending Edel's words. Back when he had a foolish crush on... you. Him. On Cris? Idly he scratched his side, not because it was itchy or anything. Something to do with his hand. The other one drummed against the mattress.

"Right." Rey. No, Rey wasn't stupid at all. In fact he was probably smarter than all of them combined. Except for maybe Jen, who saw the same things he did. Was that why they got along? Because they both knew what everyone else thought was a big joke was true?

Cris turned away, onto his side, with his back to Edel. There was no real way to... go forward with any of this. "So... then... this didn't happen. Right?"

"I mean..."

He wished they weren't sobering up right now. But it also didn't seem right to get up and start drinking just to escape the discomfort of the moment. All that would do was push back the inevitable and it seemed like they might have been doing that for a long time without even realizing it.

"But it did..."

Edel felt like a rat for it, too. Which he knew that he should but... Feeling that way didn't change the fact that things happened. After he started dating Rey, not before. All those times before were still acceptable because that was before. Now, though... Rey had every right to feeling the way he felt.

Plonking his face into the bed, he wanted to scream. But all he did was stay that way until his lungs burned for life and he had to lift his head to breathe again. Forcing himself to get up, he almost slapped Cris' ass--an old friendly go-to. Now he refrained and just said, "I'm taking a shower. And borrowing your shit because all my shit's at your neighbors' place."

"Well..."

No it did happen. It definitely happened and he remembered everything. Every moment, every shift of Edel's body, the way he felt, the way he tasted and sounded... Everything. Cris doubted even alchohol could wipe these memories, even if selfishly he wished he could rewind time and make sure none of it happened, just for his own continued peace of mind.

"Sure. Clothes are in that drawer." He kept his face away until Edel had gone and he heard the water running in the bathroom. Slowly, tiredly, Cris got up and pulled on a clean pair of underwear. Then he stumbled into the kitchen to find that last bottle of alcohol.

If he drank himself into a stupor... would he forget?

Only one way to find out...

Shit.

He knew Cris was kind of giving him an out when he said this never happened but Edel hated secrets. This was exactly why he hated them. When his first real boyfriend wanted to hide in the closet, Edel hated it. Hated hiding who he was, who his boyfriend was, who they were together. And he never wanted to go through that heartache again. Never again with closeted boys.

Lying to Rey would just make things worse because Edel would always know the truth. And if Rey couldn't handle the truth when he heard it--and he had every right to not handle it--then... Then they weren't going to make it as a couple. It would be worse, though, to hide what they did from him only to have it come back and bite him in the ass later, just to be happy and ignorant for a little longer.

Sighing heavily, Edel stepped out of the shower and clothed himself. He barely even looked at himself in the mirror. He was too ashamed. And his phone, it was with the neighbors, so he couldn't even get this over with and call Rey. It would have to wait until the morning. He couldn't tell if he was relieved or not. Mostly, he felt a sense of dread mixing around in his chest and stomach that wouldn't go away until things settled back into... something less chaotic inside his head.

Coming out of the bathroom, he peered back into the guest room and found Cris was no longer there.

"Cris?" he called, then louder, a little alarmed. "CRIS?"

"You know," Cris slurred to the two-thirds of tequila left in the bottle, "life's a bitch sometimes." He tilted the bottle towards his lips and this time almost all of it made it into his mouth! A prize for Cris! Brushing an irritated hand over his chest where some alcohol had splashed, he muttered to himself again, "Life's a bitch."

Secrets. They were meant to be kept secret. It was in the name—how did he fuck that one up?! And now everything was stupid and weird because what the hell did he think was going to happen here? That magically...

Well. Okay. If he had to be honest, he thought magically things would work out. Somehow. Jen would understand. Rey would fade into the obscurity from whence he came. Edel would reciprocate his feelings. Magical happy ending.

But Rey wasn't going to fade away was he? And Edel didn't reciprocate. He seemed almost annoyed by the revelation, as if it was a burden on him. Which it was. Cris must have been out of his mind to think that somehow his confession would change anything. Edel loved Rey. He said it with his own mouth. All the time. So... that really left Cris hanging out in the middle of nowhere, in limbo.

Jen would understand though, he had no doubt about that, and the knowledge only cemented her position in his mind. She was one in a million, that girl. Cris smiled to himself, a little twist of the lips, as he stood up. Edel was still in the shower, so he had plenty of time to get himself back down to the lake, to wade up to his chest into the lake and toast the vast body of water before him. He wiggled his toes under the water, barely feeling the chill that started to seep into his bones.

Another long pull from the bottle kept him nice and warm as he waded in a bit further, experimentally. He thought about it a lot these days. Walking into the deep. Letting the water close over his head and sweep away all his problems. But... he was kind of too chicken to do it, too. Or not drunk enough. Was he drunk enough now? He drank again and took another step forward, thrilled by the prospect of death—as much as he was at the same time terrified of it.

Where the hell was he?! Not in the living room or the kitchen. Not the other rooms. Not even the other bathroom. He was just... gone. Edel passed a window in his frantic search and saw with a nasty shock that somebody was walking into the lake like they could just walk along the bottom, take a stroll.

And it was, of course, Cris.

"CRIS!" Edel shouted as he burst outside, running down to the lake as fast as his long legs would carry him. And he was in the damned lake again--which was freezing cold--only this time he was bogged down by clothes.

He grabbed onto Cris, onto his arm, the one whose hand was holding a damned bottle of something.

"What the hell are you doing? Get out of here!"

Fish. Deeper in the lake there were fish swimming around; Cris never knew that. He might have tried to fish if he knew, since there was a pier here extending out quite far into the lake. Well, too late now. He dumped a little of the alcohol into the lake, whimsically asking the fish if they wanted some.

They didn't.

Somebody yelled his name out loud, a horrible frightened shout, and he turned to see Edel streaking for the lake like his hair was on fire. Before he knew what was happening, Edel had him by the arm and was yanking him back.

"Why would you swim fully dressed?" Cris asked stupidly as he stumbled, losing his footing slightly and dropping the bottle. "Ah shit! That was the last one!" He tried to grope for it with his other hand while resisting Edel.

"Who cares?" Edel said, although maybe he'd mourn the last of the alcohol later. Probably not. Every damn time he drank, he did something stupid and he should have known better. Part of him probably knew, though, what would happen if they were alone together with alcohol. No party around them, nothing to stop them from...

Edel fought Cris to attempt dragging him out of the lake.

"Are you trying to drown yourself?" Edel asked. "Too bad. I'm not letting you. Get your ass out of here now. Back in the cabin!"

Fighting in water was exhausting. Cris gave up eventually when the bottle got kicked away, and the alcohol spilled out into the lake. He let out an aggravated noise as his limbs stopped thrashing around, letting Edel drag him towards shore. Once he was on firmer footing, he shook Edel's hand off so that he could walk by himself.

"I'm not trying to drown myself," he said grumpily, hugging himself. As soon as the air hit his skin, he felt the cold acutely. "If I were, I'd have succeeded long before you got here!"

"Then what the hell were you doing out there?" Edel asked, stalking behind Cris. It was freaking freezing now. The water was like ice and the air didn't help. Neither did the clothes, sopping wet and sticking to his body, slopping and making an awful sound with every step. Goddamn it, Cris!

As soon as they were inside, he was struggling to get the clinging clothes off.

"Being drunk and in the water is a recipe for drowning!" he said as he wriggled his way out of the pants and kicked them sloppily aside (and nearly tripping in the process, since they wanted to cling to his ankle until the very end).