Song of Pebble Lake

[Edel Ziegler]

Well, that was no from him, apparently. Cris didn't want to rot his brain away until he fell asleep. He was caught up in some cycle of thinking that the alcohol he found clearly did nothing to help. Edel was sobering up after having a shower and then dunking himself in cold lake water but he was also tired, a little jet lagged, and emotionally worn thin. He could fall asleep at any moment as long as he had five minutes of warmth and comfort.

Cris, not so much. His mind was going all over the place and it was hard for Edel in his current state to keep up. Mostly... he thought the idea of running away was a joke but Cris was speaking seriously now. As if he thought Edel was planning their escape, to run away forever, for real.

"I mean... I would if it was that serious," he said slowly. "But it's not... is it?"

[Cristoval de Azcarate]

"Is it?" Cris echoed faintly, frowning. Even the thought was... strange. It wasn't something he seriously contemplated, ever. He thought about it at odd moments but the reality of Rey and Jen always crashed through his daydreams. The idea of them being serious enough to run away together could only be considered when he was dead drunk.

"I guess..." He leaned closer and the tip of his nose brushed Edel's. This close, he could count eyelashes. "Maybe..." Well anything was possible, it only depended on how much of their lives they wanted to upheave. And they'd already fucked up a lot today, out on the lake with the neighbors, with their significant others, with each other.

His hand slid up Edel's back, to the nape of his neck. Cris' lips brushed his tentatively, nothing like the impassioned, drunken kisses from earlier. He was still drunk but weirdly, also clear about his own feelings. Like the barriers that were usually up came down with all the shots and champagne and tequila he had in his veins.

[Edel Ziegler]

"Maybe... what...?"

Yes, maybe what? Maybe yes, maybe no? Just maybe? He wasn't sure what Cris was trying to get across. Cris might not even know. Or he could. Because Edel felt the hand moving up his back and he had a feeling where it was going to stop. And it stopped there. Edel didn't move, even though he knew where this was going. He had time enough to stop it but he didn't. He let Cris' lips brush his, not a question but... something. Something something.

Edel's eyes closed as he kissed Cris back, even though he knew he shouldn't. Shouldn't kiss him back, shouldn't close his eyes, shouldn't even have let Cris kiss him in the first place. But they were already here and there was just enough of that alcohol in his system to keep him from overthinking. Before he knew it, he was touching Cris' face, his cheek, his jaw.

[Cristoval de Azcarate]

Maybe maybe.

Maybe Edel didn't say he had feelings for Cris and maybe he kept insisting he loved Rey, but people who didn't have feelings for their best friend and people who loved someone else didn't... kiss back. A bunch of times. And sure as hell they didn't let someone they didn't have feelings for do what Cris did to him out on the lake.

Maybe all of those little touches, the fond hugs, the clinging and physicality and skinship they had with each other meant a lot more than they realized. Everyone else saw them and thought they were so gay together. It became a joke because they dated other people and Cris insisted he was straight, but inside they both knew, didn't they? That despite loving other people, in their heart of hearts they had feelings for each other?

Edel wouldn't kiss him like that if he didn't feel something. Drunk Cris was so sure of that. He leaned closer so that his chilled body could share some of Edel's heat and his other hand came up too, cupping Edel's jaw. Even when the kiss broke, his hand was there, holding him close. "Does this make us terrible people?"

[Edel Ziegler]

What a question. Edel took in a deep breath and then looked away on a sigh, before lowering his gaze to the floor. Did this make them terrible people? Edel felt like yes, he was a garbage person right now. If Rey could see them now, it would break his heart in so many pieces. And Edel cared--he did care what he thought. He loved him. They moved in together, they were serious.

So what the hell was he doing right now? What had he done all those other times? Back then, he was free to do what he wanted. Now, though...

Well, he was still free to do what he wanted, it just made him a garbage person. He wondered if Cris was having similar thoughts about Jen. But then, those two had a different kind of relationship than Rey and Edel. Not to mention, they were just vastly different people when it came to sex.

"Yes," he said after a moment. He looked back up at Cris. "But I guess I..." He didn't even want to finish that sentence. It made him sound even worse.

[Cristoval de Azcarate]

"You what? C'mon it's too late to start holding things back now!"

Cris didn't know what was going on anymore between them. There used to be some lingering feelings, sure. Occasionally he felt it more acutely than usual but it was nothing he couldn't handle. Back in Spain, it felt like his life was simpler. But then with his dad's suicide and the debt and everything, his life fell apart and so did every barrier he'd been erecting to keep those feelings inside.

Shit. Was that all it took for him to get serious about his 'secret'? His whole life going down the garbage chute? Cris lowered his chin onto Edel's shoulder again, still holding on to him for dear life.

[Edel Ziegler]

"I..."

He didn't even want to say it aloud. Really, he was a terrible person. They both kind of were? But Edel felt like he was definitely the worst between the two of them. Jen probably wouldn't be hurt or angry about this. At least, not for long. Cris and Jen had an understanding about other partners. Rey and Edel... didn't.

"I feel like..." A rat. That wasn't what he wanted to say, though. It was easier to admit to his terribleness when Cris wasn't looking right at him, though, so he was relieved when he rested his chin on his shoulder.

"I guess I feel like I already fucked everything up... there's no going back..."

[Cristoval de Azcarate]

Huh... So Edel was still going to tell Rey the truth? That seemed self-destructive when Cris was more than willing to keep their little tryst a secret. He thought in silence for a moment. "Just don't tell him. This didn't happen. You don't have to feel bad, we never had sex. It was just... drunk stuff."

Whatever Rey didn't see with his own eyes couldn't hurt him and if Edel was so afraid to lose him, then... "It's not a big deal. Not if there's no feelings involved. Right?" Because Edel was in love with Rey and he felt so bad about doing this to him. His feelings sided with Rey, so what they did didn't have to count.

It sucked though. Because there were feelings on Cris' end, but he could just. Shove them back down. Yeah...

[Edel Ziegler]

"Half the lake saw us, Cris," Edel said. There was no hiding it. Somebody who might have just looked out their window could have seen something. The neighbors were right next to them when it started--they saw enough to know what happened or to figure it out. Edel wasn't even drunk enough to let something like that go so easily. He wasn't blackout, out-of-his-mind drunk. He'd remember it in the morning and he certainly remembered it now that he was mostly sober.

Being sober with this kind of thing sucked, too. All he could feel was the weight of it. Even though he wouldn't see Rey face-to-face for maybe a week or two, depending on how long he stayed here with Cris, eventually they would be face-to-face. How could Edel lie straight to his face?

"It's a big deal." He lowered his head. Did he even have to explain why?

[Cristoval de Azcarate]

Cris waved a hand. So what if half the lake saw them. Half of Spain didn't see them--they didn't even live here! If the neighbors popped their heads out and saw a guy blowing another guy on a rainbow floatie out on the lake, big deal! It was a rainbow float, that said it all.

But that was drunk Cris' line of thinking. Sober Cris was never leaving the lake house again. He would rather die than let anyone know his carefully guarded secret! That was no longer a secret, but still. Still.

Maybe because he had been lying for so long about his sexuality, the idea of lying outright about their tryst didn't seem like a big deal to him. He understood where Edel was coming from but if it were him, he probably would have lied straight to Jen's face. Good thing she was understanding about all of this but... Rey wasn't Jen. Too bad.

"Umm." Edel's head dropped but Cris' gaze lifted. "What?" His muddy thoughts swirled sluggishly around in his tired brain. "It's a big deal?" Cris had to think that one through very hard for a very long moment.

"There... are feelings?"

[Edel Ziegler]

God, he couldn't believe that Cris even had to ask at this point. Were there feelings? Edel had a crush on him for a while. Time, he thought, washed that away. They were best friends and basically brothers and at a certain point, he knew that was all they would be. It was kind of a relief, actually, with Jen coming along and taking up Cris' attention. Finally, he could stop thinking about what could never be and he could focus on getting on with his life.

And he did. He did so well. There were boyfriends and whirlwind romances. Edel learned more about himself and love that way than he ever would have if he just mooned around, yearning for somebody that he would never have. And aside from some drunken trysts, that was how it was.

Yet now they were here. And Edel wished Cris hadn't opened up this box, that he hadn't admitted to liking him. If he liked guys, that was one thing. But admitting to liking him... that was the problem.

Instead of answering, Edel extricated himself from Cris and the blanket. Did he really have to answer, anyway? Cris knew. He knew. Edel ran a hand over his face.

"...I'm going to bed. Now isn't the time to be thinking about this." Or talking about it. Shit, they had all week to talk about it.

[Cristoval de Azcarate]

Cris was left there holding the blanket, staring at the stool where Edel sat. He vaguely nodded to let Edel know that he heard him but--the words didn't sink in. And by the time they did, Edel had already left because now wasn't the time to be thinking about this.

This?

This--these feelings?

He didn't move from his spot and kept holding on to the blanket, at a total loss for words. It was like learning that Santa Claus wasn't real all over again. That bottoming out in his stomach, the heaviness in his heart. The... disappointment. But worse. Oh, so much worse.

What would have happened if he'd confessed those feelings to Edel a long time ago? Was it better that he didn't? Cris wouldn't trade in their friendship for anything but he couldn't stop thinking about it, the possibilities, what could have been. Was it too late? Edel was gone--he didn't want to think about it.

What now though? It seemed like an easy thing to say that if two people had feelings for one another, they should be together but... Rey and Jen. Complications. Cris' situation. Complications. Slowly he stood up but he didn't go into one of the bedrooms. Instead he curled up on the couch and covered himself with the blanket and stared out onto the darkened lake, visible through the glass balcony doors.

What if? His brain wouldn't shut off. What if he'd said something instead of hiding his feelings?