It's not that simple

[Ryland Ren]

Ryland felt like a rat. Ryland the rat. Not Ryland the fox. Just a rat. Rat. Rat. He hated himself for what he had done. He hated that he had done it via video chat, where he could see Aldon's face most of the time and he could hear the sorrow in his voice. But he couldn't take it back. He kept picking up the phone to see if there was some new message, a missed call. But all he got was another lump to join the city of them growing in his throat.

For a few days, he couldn't stop it. He could not stop the choking up, the sudden spring of heat behind his eyes, the crack of his heart. Oh, he loved Aldon. He loved him so much but he couldn't... do it. And Aldon still didn't get it. He never did, not even before all this. Every time they broke up, it was Ryland realizing that he Just. Didn't. GET. It.

Ryland was not polyamorous by nature. He loved one person with all of his heart and his attention and he craved that in return. He wanted somebody to look at him the way he knew he looked at Aldon. Oh, he'd heard it so many times. The others teased him for getting moon eyed whenever Aldon was around. They said he had some kind of spell over him. Yes, Ryland knew. A spell called love. He was stupidly, helplessly in love with an idiot that had the capacity to love more than one person.  And Ryland tried--for a short while--to understand that.

But he couldn't. His brain couldn't process it. How could Aldon say he loved him and say it to somebody else at the same time? Did he look at them both the same way? The thought messed with Ryland's brain. Love was supposed to be so warm and it was, when Ryland believed in Aldon.

He thought coming out here, walking up the trails that led out to the forests, would make him feel better. Closer to home. But now he just felt like he didn't have his support network anymore. Alva had his own troubles. Yoojin was happy, she didn't need to hear his drama. And Aldon. Aldon was gone.

"Idiot!" he shouted into the forest. At least it made him feel a little better. But he'd come out here after having a few drinks and he still held the last bottle clutched in his hand.

He made it to the small park up in the woods, where the kids from the trailer park used to play before a lot of the trailers hauled off and the woodlands began to take over. The park was old and decrepit, with graffiti on the slides and weeds creeping up over the bouncy horses.

Still toting his alcohol, Ryland made his way over to the merry-go-round and plopped down, letting the bottle thud hard on the metal, setting it between his knees. After a long pull from the bottle, Ryland leaned back, lying down on the cold metal and staring up at the purple sky. It was dusk; just before the world would go black. He could already see a peek of the moon, fading into view.

"I hate you," he said to the sky, even as his heart thumped in a traitorous tune. All you had to do was just love me. But for something so simple, it wasn't really that simple at all.

[Marcus Knight]

(Shhhhutup)

"I hate you!" Marc hissed as he beheaded a clump of weeds, sending it flying at least three feet. It was a good kick; he felt a savage sense of pride afterwards, followed immediately by a vicious hollowness deep down in his chest. The kind of horrible gaping hole that only love--that fucking bastard concept--and the loss of love could produce.

As he broke the cover of the trees, intending on slumping down onto a decrepit park bench and just glaring up at the sky, he noticed that he wasn't alone. Not only that, but the guy looked about as stormy as Marc did and he repeated Marc's words of a minute ago. Marc scowled, mostly bemused. How did this guy know about the park? It was an abandoned playground; weeds had overgrown most of the fixtures and the trees were closing in.

For a second, he debated. He could leave. Find another place to yell and scream, deeper in the woods. Marc just... he just... wanted to punch something, or kick something, or karate chop something. Instead, he wandered closer. The guy looked harmless and boozed up. In fact, he still had the bottle and god, Marc could go for a drop of that right now.

"Hey," he said glumly as he sidled up. "Can I have some of that?"

[Ryland Ren]

What the...

Ryland turned to see somebody else occupying the old playground, not somebody he knew. Younger, from the looks of it. Although he didn't look old enough for it, Ryland held up the bottle in the boy's direction.

"Sure." Why not? Why not commiserate? Misery loved company, did it not? And Ryland, though he was out here alone before, didn't actually want to sit here and drink all alone in the dark. What he wanted was his ideal world to exist, the one where Aldon loved only him and didn't go around whispering the same words to other people. WHY didn't he understand why that hurt so much? For Ryland, he was either his or he wasn't. The idea of sharing--maybe it was fine for werewolves. Maybe even foxes without a human mind weighing them down.

But for Ryland, it was important that his lover's attention in that regard was only on him. Was that really so difficult to comprehend?

"Ry," he said by way of introduction. "I take it you're having a shitty night, too."

[Marcus Knight]

Nobody wanted to be alone—and wasn't that just the problem with life? Marc didn't want to be alone. Not forever. He knew that he was young and that logically, there were plenty of other fish in the sea, but he didn't want fish. He hated fish.

Taking the bottle with a nod of thanks, he raised it to his lips and he tilted his head back and just... let the booze flow. He drank until the burn in his throat threatened to overcome the burn in his chest, then lowered the bottle and took in a violent breath.

"Marc," he choked, coughing, as he sat himself down heavily beside Ry. Misery did love company, it was true. And just thinking of the word—love—made him take another long gulp. This time it was his eyes that burned.

"Shitty couple of months." Marc looked over at Ry, then handed the bottle over. "We're gonna need more of this." Pure fact. They'd need a hell of a lot more alcohol to drown their sorrows. Ry looked about done in and something in his eyes... Something about the look in his eyes resonated with Marc.

[Ryland Ren]

Oh man. The kid was drinking all of it! Ryland let out a slight moan of disapproval and even waved his hand at the kid to try and beckon him into giving the bottle back. It seemed like he drank beyond his capacity because a few seconds later, the boy plopped down, too.

Marc. Marc seemed to be in the same boat as Ryland, then. He nodded slightly as he took hold of the bottle. There was still some liquid in it, so he propped himself up on his elbow and took another long drink from it. The burn was strong but it definitely didn't help the burn inside, no.

"Shitty couple of years," Ry added. Maybe not. Maybe so. Ryland always thought the on/off thing was just how they were, that they were young and eventually they'd settle down together. Now... Now he just felt helpless. And the helplessness made him angry. This wasn't his fault, so why did he have to feel so guilty every time he remembered Aldon's face and his voice? Viciously, he took another drink, so hard that it clinked against his teeth.

"Yeah, we are." Ryland sat up fully, head spinning and spinning, as if the old rusted merry-go-round was moving on its own.

"There's a convenience store down there," Ryland, said making a vague motion back toward the trailer community.

[Marcus Knight]

"Damn. And I thought I had it bad." Couple of years? Marc thought this was hell on earth already and it had only been a little over a month. Maybe a month and a half. He couldn't imagine living through this for years, with so much anger and hurt balling up in his stomach.

He looked at the empty bottle with a sigh; the mouthful he got wasn't enough to get him tipsy. He was young and he was no stranger to parties so naturally, his tolerance was high. Ry, though, looked like he could barely sit up and Marc helpfully put a hand at his back to ease him up.

"Let's go get more. Pretty sure wolves come out here after dark." He smiled but it was a pretty grim smile overall. "Don't wanna end up as a snack just yet. ...not that he'd care, probably," Marc added in an angry mutter to himself mostly.

Even if he disappeared off the face of the earth, he was sure that he would barely bat an eyelash. He was too busy chasing guys in bars or... or whatever else he did. Whatever it was that cheating, lying jerks did when they went out to cheat and lie. Marc eyed the bottle, and then vindictively hurled it off into the grass, where it clunked loudly—but didn't break.

"C'mon Ry." He stood up and helped Ry to his feet too. Booze. Then probably more yelling at the woods or... or he'd kick a tree or something. Marc felt like a compressed spring, waiting to explode, wanting to explode but with no real outlet for the volatile emotions stirring up inside. Booze probably wouldn't help. But it might make the night more bearable.

"You wanna go first? Seems like you got a story." A shitty couple of years worth of a story.

[Ryland Ren]

"Yeah." More booze. More commiserating. Lamenting. Ryland was all too aware that part of this was his own fault but at the same time, he couldn't help the way he felt or the way he loved. Or how he preferred to be loved. The idea of being in some shared relationship just didn't sit well with him. Ryland was already a fairly private sort of person, with a small number of close friends--though he was friendly enough to his acquaintances. But when it came to deep feelings, those were given in short supply. There was no way he could provide what Aldon seemingly wanted from him.

And honestly! It wasn't fair that he should have to! Every "compromise" that came out of Aldon's mouth just seemed like another way for Aldon to have it all. But what about Ryland? And even--cringe--what about the other guy? He couldn't possibly want to go along with this hare-brained scheme. Aldon even said he didn't bring it up to him. Probably because the guy was huge and could take Aldon's head off for even suggesting it.

Not... that Ryland thought he was abusive but really, what did he know about that guy or their relationship?

Not anything he wanted to know, that was for sure.

Stumbling alongside Marc toward the store, he let out an angry huff. And it was hard to anger Ryland. He could be easily annoyed at times but it was quick and easy enough to pass. Pure anger? Rage? Not really Ryland's thing. Normally, he was quite calm. Just... right now he felt like he needed to shout at the sky and throw these negative feelings away to somewhere else. He was so, so tired of them. Tired of disappointment. Tired of the rollercoaster.

"Don't you?" Ryland asked, looking over at Marc before unsteadily kicking a loose rock. On accident. If it hadn't been so loose, he probably would have stumbled on it. But he was obliging--Marc wanted a story, oh he had a doozy!

"I fell in love with an idiot that couldn't even say the words I love you and then when he finally got to a point where he could, he found somebody else. And it was supposed to just be for his family, to keep them safe--or that's what he said. But somehow, the idiot fell in love with him and now he claims he's in love with both of us. Oh, oh, but here's the kicker! He wants to be with both of us! In like, I don't know, some loose open relationship deal. But I can't. I can't. I'm not--I can't. I love him and he loves somebody else, that's all I see, no matter how much he wants to say he loves me now. It's not the same. And I can't believe he doesn't get it!"

[Marcus Knight]

...so yeah. He asked for a story and a story was what he got. Marc had to focus kinda hard since Ry slurred a couple of words now and then, but he got the gist of it. It sounded like a bad romance novel plot, if he had to be honest, or one of those stupid Asian dramas. Or one of those love stories that were so convoluted that it had to be true.

Not that he doubted Ry. Nobody could have that look of hurt and pain in their eyes without having gone through some troubling times. Years. Months. The time frame wasn't important--it was the broken heart that was.

"Shit." He took a deep breath. It wasn't even his story and he felt the weight of it all. A long silence followed as they walked, their shoes crunching the gravel and leaves and twigs. He didn't even know what to say to that, or if Ry wanted him to say anything at all. Sometimes people just needed to get things off their chest and Ry didn't just burst out with it--Marc asked him first.

"So. So he... wants to date you and the other guy? At the same time?" Marc thought of love in straight lines too these days--one person for one person. That was the fairy tale definition of love, wasn't it? Everlasting love, that forever love everybody sought out. Everyone wanted The One. Nobody ever said that they were searching for The Two.

But it wasn't unheard of, either. Marc had friends in open relationships. He was sort of in one himself, really, before he found who he thought was The One.

"Did you make him choose? Did he choose the other guy? Is that why you're out here?" It sounded like given the choice, Ry's idiot went for the other guy.

[Ryland Ren]

"I didn't say it in so many words," Ryland said as he took in a breath. "But yeah. He chose the other guy over me."

That was forever how Ryland would see it, there was nothing that could convince him otherwise. He told Aldon he loved him and Aldon claimed to love him, too. And he was visibly and vocally upset over the phone but he was still with that other guy. Instead of hearing that Ryland only wanted him and coming home to be with him, he decided to stay his course. That said everything that Ryland needed to know. Aldon loved him. He just didn't love him enough and that meant they were done. Too bad telling himself that never made the hurt go away. Even the alcohol just sort of dulled over the ache in his heart.

"...what about you?" Ryland asked. Normally he wouldn't ask if somebody didn't want to bring it up themselves but they were commiserating. It only seemed right to exchange their horror stories. Ryland swore he heard the guy say he hated somebody too, so it was probably the same type of story as his own.

[Marcus Knight]

"Oh man..." He wondered, though, what made the other guy better. Was it looks? Personality? Marc peeped at Ry out of the corner of his eyes, and he thought that there was plenty of looks and personality to go around here. Wasn't that enough?

Maybe it was something else. He didn't know Ry at all, honestly, because they'd met all of ten minutes ago. The only thing they had in common as of this moment was the fact that both of them had been hurt.

"Ahh..." He sighed. "Same kinda thing, but in reverse. See, I met this guy online and I thought he was The One." Marc shot a Look over at Ry. "You know. We were talking about me flying out to see him and we made all these amazing plans. To get the money for the flight, I picked up a job and there was this super annoying guy in the group. Well. Turns out they were the same guy!"

It was some kind of prank on God's part, Marc just knew it. He knew it! How the hell could they work together this entire time and not know it?! He snorted at his own stupidity and kicked a stray rock, missing it completely.

"And... I think he knows. He knows I know. And he just... he stopped talking to me and he's been going out and picking up other guys and—just... I guess he doesn't want to. Be together. Anymore."

[Ryland Ren]

"...what?"

Ryland had a hard time following that for a moment. The guy he met online was also an annoying person at work? One and the same? He ran a hand through his hair. If the guy really knew the whole time, he was totally a scumbag and a creep. Nothing like Aldon! They weren't in the same boat after all. Somehow, that relieved Ryland for a moment--but only a moment. Then he remembered that Aldon rejected him in favor of somebody he met like a year ago. The burn came back.

"So let me get this straight... he stopped talking to you out of the blue? Both online and in real life?"

Ryland was going back to the creep part but then this part tripped him up. What, the jig was up so he stopped suddenly? Or was it something else? But still... going out and picking up other guys. Pretty unacceptable.

[Marcus Knight]

"Yeah! Well he--he never talked to me in real life, he always talked at me. Jackass. But after... yeah. He stopped responding. I tried to talk to him but he gave me one-word replies and... I mean it's obvious when the other person doesn't feel it, right? You know. You know they're not interested, it's not like they can hide it."

Marc scuffed a foot along the ground and made a furrow in passing. He stuffed his hands into his pockets because his fingers were getting cold--but not as cold as his heart had grown. It wasn't like he was The Most Annoying Guy On Earth. Their personalities clashed on the job, that was all. Marc didn't know why suddenly he wasn't worth the time of day, when Namgi confessed to loving him. Repeatedly.

"...I wanted to make it work. I wanted it so bad. I tried being nice to him at work, too, but it just made things more awkward."

He broke off and roughly rubbed a hand over his eyes to mitigate the sting behind them. There was nothing like rejection to put a guy in his place. To really make him feel small and insignificant and unimportant. Unwanted. That was one of the worst feelings in the world, Marc thought.

"At least your guy... he wanted you. In some weird triangle relationship." Marc looked over at Ry. "I was in one, too. Before I met Namgi. It's not for everybody and it gets complicated really quickly. I don't think you're wrong to feel like you do, just so you know."

[Ryland Ren]

From where Ryland was standing, it sure sounded like that guy didn't love him anymore. Maybe he only loved the idea of him as he knew from the computer correspondence. And he didn't love the person he was working with. Or maybe he had trouble expressing himself. Ryland had worked with that before and it was no fun. If he had any advice for Marc in regards to all this, he thought it was that he was better off without a guy like that. Guys who couldn't express themselves were just trouble. Guys like that toyed with your heart and ended up battering it in the process. Now Marc would have a hard time trusting anybody romantically and it was because he trusted somebody with his heart and he dropped it.

Ryland bit his lower lip.

Marc still had things to let out so he allowed that to take its course, to let Marc express himself. Ryland wasn't sure he should be telling anybody what to do romantically, anyway. What he didn't expect was the topic to turn back to the poly relationship deal. Ryland looked up and over at Marc, who was looking at him.

"I..." He didn't know what to say to that. But somehow, it did reassure him because since the breakup, Ryland felt somehow as if he were in the wrong. He bet Alva would have told him that was just how it worked with Aldon. Ryland always ended up feeling guilty over what Aldon did. Maybe he was right in not giving in this time.

"Yeah," he said finally after a moment's silence. "Yeah, you're right. I guess all this time, I've been thinking that I'm the one in the wrong. But... maybe neither of us are."

He was silent a moment longer before adding, "I think you should try and talk to your... to Namgi, if you can. At least to clear the air. You'll feel better once you have a clear answer from him."

[Marcus Knight]

"Sometimes people want different things," Marc sighed. "It doesn't mean anybody has to be wrong or right. But... I guess sometimes it also doesn't work out, no matter how much you love each other."

That seemed to apply to both of them differently, he thought. Love was such a bastard. It could bring people to the heavens one moment, and then drag them down to hell--all the way down to the lowest of the low. And yet, people still wanted it. They wanted to love, to feel loved.

Marc sighed again and slung an arm around Ry's shoulders. "Yeah," he said as he marched down towards the liquor store. "I'll try again. I tried before but I guess one more time wouldn't hurt. What about you? Are you gonna cut ties forever with your guy?"

[Ryland Ren]

"Maybe it'll work out," Ryland said. If it couldn't hurt, maybe it could help. Maybe the two would talk and clear things up. At least one of them could try and work things out. Ryland didn't think he had that option because Aldon was adamant about keeping Gregg and Ryland was equally adamant about not getting involved in some triangle. To him, it seemed nothing but trouble, especially since he was actually a rather possessive person deep down. Jealous... he wasn't sure. But he hurt a lot, thinking of Aldon with somebody else.

"I don't know about forever," he said. Forever was a long time. There were times where he and Aldon were friends while Ryland dated other people. But... it inevitably ended with Ryland and Aldon back together. That was the part Ryland didn't understand. Aldon... he never could stand to see Ryland with other guys. He was always so happy when Ryland broke up with those guys to be with him. Him alone. So it baffled him how he could think Ryland could be any different.

Maybe Ryland misread him all those times. Maybe... maybe he was placing his own feelings onto Aldon. The guilt of going behind somebody's back for Aldon ate him up. That was why he ended up breaking up with the other guys. But... when he really thought about it, it wasn't as if Aldon had told him to do it. Did he really not care? If Ryland was in love with somebody else?

"But I definitely can't see him for a while. It just hurts too much."