A message for your bleeding heart

[Reagan Ryang]

While Rae could tell Alva was trying to play some kind of foxy trick on him, he couldn't decide just what the endgame was. Did he want him to drink alcohol or did he want him to go for the milk? Rae made a slight face at the thought of going for the milk; he hadn't liked the taste of dairy since he was a pup. Raising a brow, he followed Alva (and the beers he'd snatched) out of the kitchen and into the living room. He noted that there was something on TV. Some kind of food show. So Alva wasn't lying. (Not that he thought he WAS.)

"So you're just going to drink a few beers and go back to your food show, is that it?" he asked, plopping down on a couch and immediately regretting it. Fuck. FOR fuck's sake. How could he keep forgetting that his ass was sore as hell? Gingerly, he tried to casually readjust himself on the couch so that he wasn't sitting on pins and needles.

"I'm not even that drunk," he said. "I sobered up in the shower."

[Alva Ren]

"Yup!" Alva chirped as he arranged the bottles neatly--and conveniently close by--on the low-slung coffee table in front of the couch. Carefully he levered himself out of the chair and onto the couch, then pushed the chair aside so that it wouldn't get in anybody's way. He reached for a bottle and was just about to twist off the top, when Rae sank down onto the couch and made some kind of weird motion. It was like his whole body cringed before he stopped himself.

...okay... Maybe he was dizzy from being drunk. Alva cast a weird look over at him but didn't comment. Did he get a boot in the ass? The corners of his lips twitched just slightly at the thought. Lots of people threatened to put their foot up Rae's ass, but nobody had done it to date. (Hopefully nobody did tonight.)

"Okay, if you say so." Alva smiled brightly and twisted the top off the bottle with a satisfying release of air. A little of the beer foamed to the top and he quickly sipped it before it spilled over onto his fingers. "Ahhh... nice and cold! It's so refreshing!" Leaning into Rae, he rested his head against Rae's shoulder and absently slid a hand down the inside of Rae's forearm.

"There's a bruise here too," he began, studying it. "...did somebody bite you?" Because that looked an awful lot like teeth marks!

[Reagan Ryang]

"You should sell beer," he murmured because damn if Alva wasn't selling the crap out of those beers right now. Watching the bottle reach his lips, he thought about grabbing one himself but Alva chose that moment to lean against him. Okay, fine. He'd stay where he was for now. It wasn't like he should be drinking even more. Loose lips, something about ships. He couldn't remember. He wasn't honestly giving it a whole lot of thought, with his gaze trained on Alva's pretty face and the warmth of his body against his. Even in the places where he pressed against a bruise, it still felt nice.

Settling comfortably in--as long as he didn't move too much, he was just fine. Not so fine when Alva discovered what Rae knew full well was an actual bite. Straightening up as much as he could without actually moving his ass from where it was, Rae indignantly stole his arm back.

"No!" But the bite was definitely there. At least it was just his arm. "Yeah," he finally admitted. "Josh and I... fought a little."

[Alva Ren]

Alva uttered a deeply disgusted noise. "What? Josh bit you? What kind of asshole bites somebody in a fight?!" Indignantly thrusting the full bottle of beer onto the table, Alva craned his head down to look at the mark while using both hands to jerk the arm back in his direction. Even with Rae trying to hide it, he could still see part of it. The area was purple and blue, with a clear set of teeth marks standing out against the bruised flesh.

Jesus. How dirty did Josh even fight, to leave a mark like that?!

"The next time I see him, I'm going to slap him right across the mouth!" he exclaimed heatedly, winding his arms around Rae for a sympathetic--if forceful--hug and momentarily forgetting his dastardly plans to trick Rae into drinking himself into a stupor. Foxes could be every bit as fierce as wolves, when it came to protecting their own! It didn't hurt that Alva had a firm dislike of Josh (an understatement). Besides, everybody knew that there were two things that were off-limits in a fight: spitting and biting.

"Does it still hurt?" he asked, all concern as he gently ran his fingertips over the bite mark. What a creep, that Josh, biting somebody like that! At least he didn't draw blood! "Here, you deserve this." He handed Rae the cold beer. Poor baby.

[Reagan Ryang]

"Wolves?" he suggested, although he couldn't even remember the last time he bit anybody in a fight in human form. Probably when he was still young, like three or four years old. They were taught not to, though. That biting the wrong person could pass on the traits. That a human could become a werewolf, too. Rae even remembered the disgust at the revelation; a dirty human could become a werewolf?! Well, he'd never give them the satisfaction!

But the worst part of the whole situation--the current one, not the one from his childhood--was that Alva was so worried. There was a tiny crease between his brows and his voice got a little tense. Not to mention the way he tried to take a closer look at Rae's arm. It made his skin crawl, knowing that Alva was concerned over something that didn't happen the way Rae claimed it happened. Sweat began to prickle against the back of his neck. He hated lying to Alva. It made him feel sick and wrong.

He never has to know.

He swallowed hard as Alva stroked the bite mark. Then his gaze flicked up, almost expecting something else when Alva uttered the words you deserve this. Fuck. Fuck. Rae took the cold beer and he considered it for a moment before he took a long, deep pull from it. He couldn't keep this up. Even if he tried to, Alva was going to find out. Who was he kidding, thinking Josh might keep it to himself? What if he didn't? What if Alva heard it from him? The longer Rae lied, the more he felt like a rat... and the more he knew it was going to gut Alva.

"Alva..."

He took another drink. Beer wasn't enough for this, unfortunately.

[Alva Ren]

Alva hated the thought of someone hurting Rae--he hated it a lot. It made his chest feel tight with anger and his stomach knotted up. He felt hot all over and restless, because he was above all a problem solver. A doer. That was one of the traits that he shared with Rae, albeit to a lesser extent. Alva could never sit back and watch; if he had done that, he never would've rescued Rae all those years ago.

Wrapping his arms around Rae as Rae took a long pull from the bottle, Alva laid his cheek against Rae's shoulder. Josh hadn't bitten him and it wasn't Alva who got hurt, but it might as well have been. He hurt for Rae. And he wanted nothing more than to go out right now and confront Josh, creepy fog be damned!

"Yeah? Do you need anything else?" He lifted his head and looked expectantly at Rae, thinking that he wanted something harder than beer, or maybe that he was hungry. Rae looked uncomfortable but Alva took that to be physical discomfort. "Do you want the first-aid kit?" The secret was out now, Alva thought, that he'd gotten into a fight with Josh. Not much reason to refuse care now, was there?

[Reagan Ryang]

He shook his head in lieu of a verbal response. Even as he took another deep drink, he almost had to choke it down--his throat felt so tight and constricted. Why the fuck did he think this was a good idea? He shouldn't have come here. But he couldn't ignore that tone in Alva's voice. Alva was so sorry, so contrite, and Rae should have been vindicated. But he wasn't. The fight ended up shattering their relationship because Rae lost faith in Alva and Alva... Alva didn't deserve what Rae did. Maybe he wasn't entirely innocent in everything--he could have said more, he could have been less secretive. But Rae... as he was wont to do, he overreacted. Big time.

"No," he said, squeezing the word out as he choked back the rest of the beer and held it tightly in both hands for a moment. Then he shrugged out of Alva's warm embrace and got up, standing and swearing. It would have been easier if Alva didn't love him so much. It would have been easier if he didn't love Alva so much. But he sort of doubted his own feelings after what he did. Drunk or not... deep down, he knew he enjoyed what he did with Josh, and that only made the pinpricks of guilt become as big as knives.

"Alva..." He rubbed the back of his head, trying to ease the tension knotting up there. "Alva... you... you're..."

[Alva Ren]

"...oh. Well..." Alva trailed off awkwardly as Rae suddenly bolted off the couch--so suddenly that Alva almost fell forward. He put out a hand to brace himself and looked confusedly up at Rae and his bout of cursing.

"Rae? Is something wrong?" Obviously there WAS but damned if Alva knew what was wrong with him! He was acting all kinds of squirrelly. Even more so than usual! Alva knew the signs of Rae doing things that he shouldn't have been doing--there were definite signs--but if it was just the fight, he had nothing to worry about.

Unless it was the Fight--the one with the big capital F--from earlier that day. Alva frowned. He tried to reach for Rae's hand but he was too far away. "What's wrong?" he asked softly again. "You know you can tell me anything, Rae."

[Reagan Ryang]

A lot of fucked up things were said in the heat of the moment. They fought a few times before (what couple didn't?) but never did it end in something as drastic as fucking somebody else. It was frustration and anger and betrayal. That was understandable, to his fucked up little head. Revenge, that was something he always bent toward when he was angry at somebody and he had never been so angry at Alva. All he wanted to do was be there for him. It felt like he was always doing his best to jump through hoops to even be with Alva. It was always a fight--with his friends, with his family. But Rae, he was always up for a fight. He liked a good challenge.

He was loyal, though. He was usually loyal to a fault. To his friends, to his family. It made sense that he'd be loyal to Alva when he fell for him. He fought a lot of people to stay with Alva, even himself, when he had his doubts. Doubt was pretty much a shred of the past at this point. At least, until Alva got all weird and suspicious about that witch casting a curse on him.

Rae didn't understand that part. Why Alva couldn't just say something. Why bother protecting a stranger? Even worse, why bother protecting somebody who cursed him--accident or not? Rae didn't understand it, and that made him angry. So angry. So frustrated.

The thing was, it could have been anybody. But it was Josh. And he'd be lying if he said it never crossed his mind or that it never would have happened. It felt--in the moment it was happening--like something that should have happened a long time ago. If there was never any Alva, he had no doubt at all that it would have happened far sooner than it did.

And that was the part he really didn't want to face. He wanted everything to just be Alva's fault because it would be easier that way. But it wasn't. It could have been anyone. But it wasn't. Was it? I shouldn't have come here. Yet he couldn't stay away. He turned back toward Alva. It was hard to even look at him. He looked so innocent in his concern. It never even crossed his mind, did it?

"You know I love you, right?"

[Alva Ren]

"Yes, I know," Alva said quietly, studying Rae with a searching gaze.

Something was wrong.

Rae never had to question whether Alva knew he loved him. That shouldn't even have been a question. It should have been a given and a constant. So what was he hiding? Why did he have to make sure that Alva knew he loved him?

Something else happened at Josh's. It had to be that. That or Rae killed someone at the height of anger but Alva didn't think that even straight up murder warranted this kind of question. Rae had killed before, when he was uncontrollable on the night of the full moon. Alva stood by him.

It had to be... something else. His skittish behavior that night, maybe, or the way he kept Alva from seeing the marks on him. The mark on his throat, maybe. Did Josh bite him there, too? There were no teeth marks, though--just a bruise in a funny place. Alva wasn't stupid. In fact, he was bright; he was a clever, intuitive fox.

He always thought that there was something more to Rae's rivalry with Josh--something that kept them together as friends. People who hated each other's guts didn't stay friends. People who couldn't stand each other didn't hang out.

"...what did you do, Rae?"

[Reagan Ryang]

Fuck.

Somehow, he managed to trash it all. He could feel it, the cold ache that started in his bones. It felt like even his blood was shivering and all he wanted to do was leave. Open the door, hurry away, somewhere, some place where he couldn't see the inevitable hurt in Alva's eyes. It was bad enough having to look back at him when he searched his gaze like he could see everything he thought right there in the pupils of his eyes.

Alva knew.

It froze the breath in his lungs. He knew... something. He knew it wasn't good news, he knew that there was something wrong. Not for the first time, he found himself lamenting that foxlike knowledge in Alva's gaze. He was smart; he'd always been smart. Too good for Rae, by far. People said it all the time. But they said if it weren't for Alva, Rae would be some kind of monster. Not in so many words, but it was implied.

Slowly, Rae reached out to touch Alva's hand. How warm it was, how real and solid. That same hand had grabbed his arm when Rae threatened to walk away from a fight. The same hand that held his when they went out together. The same hand that gently stroked his arm idly when they were sitting on the couch together. He thought it was going to do something a lot worse in a moment. Don't tell him. Don't!

But if he didn't tell him... Josh will. The next time they got in a real fight, Josh would hold that shit over his head. He wouldn't even have to actually intend to say anything. Just the threat of it, just the fact that he knew...

Rae kept his gaze on Alva, as steady as he could, despite the way he wanted to hide from those big, dark eyes. "Josh and I... we didn't fight."

[Alva Ren]

He didn't want to acknowledge it but he could tell by the somber look in Rae's eyes that something terrible had happened--terrible for their relationship, for them. Alva's heart trembled as Rae took his hand and almost desperately, he clung to Rae's fingers. He couldn't even tear his gaze away from Rae, who said everything that he didn't do, but never answered the question.

What did you do?

They didn't fight. That bite mark and that bruise on Rae's throat weren't from fighting. There wasn't much else that made marks like that on the throat. There weren't many options left and as much as Alva tried to play dumb about it--lying to himself--he couldn't. He was smart. He didn't need all the pieces in front of him to put together the puzzle.

For a long moment, Alva was silent. The knowledge stung him and wiped his mind completely clean. All he heard was a strange buzzing in his ears, and then the roar of his own blood. They didn't fight. That mark--it was a hickey. It had to be. How else could a bruise like that get all the way up there? Alva stared at Rae with the dawning horror in his eyes.

He smelled Josh on Rae the second Rae entered the house. A scent that strong usually only meant one thing, but Alva didn't want to go there or think it. Rae loved him. He wouldn't do anything like that, Alva told himself, and subconsciously pushed the knowledge away into a convenient dark corner of the mind. Impossible.

Alva let out a sharp exhale.

"You..." The buzzing intensified in his ears. "You and Josh..." His hand slipped out of Rae's grasp. He thrust it into his own lap and covered it with his other hand,, holding it tightly to his stomach like he could hold in the bile and the nausea if he just pressed inward hard enough.

Rae and Josh.

[Reagan Ryang]

If he could, Rae wanted to get away without saying the actual words: I fucked Josh. Or I cheated on you. Did it still count as cheating if he considered them broken up at the time? It didn't matter; Rae had still fucked up big time. Like big, BIG time. He knew that even before he saw the expressions that crossed Alva's face. Watching him go through confusion to knowledge to disbelief, it was so horrific that Rae--who normally wasn't the type to flee--really wanted to run like a puppy for its mother.

Fuck.

The silence in the room was deafening. The way Alva pulled his hand from him was telling, more so than any word. Even when Alva did speak, he couldn't seem to get past the words you and Josh. Yeah. Him and... Josh. Alva didn't like Josh much. But that wasn't why it stung, was it?

"Alva," he said, trying to reach for his hand again. "I'm sorry. I was pissed off and drunk and..."

[Alva Ren]

It wasn't that Josh was Alva's most outspoken critic, or that his slurs and snide comments went lower than low when he targeted Alva's disability. It wasn't Josh at all. It was Rae--what Rae did, knowingly and purposely. People didn't 'accidentally' have affairs. There was conscious effort. Rae had to know what he was doing when he did it.

When he cheated.

Even if he was stone drunk, that still was no excuse. Some part of him wanted it, Alva was sure. That part clouded his better judgment and it hurt the most to know that Rae chose Josh that night over staying true to him. And he was prepared to lie about it. He came over and pretended that nothing happened, lied to Alva's face about getting into a fictitious fight and had the audacity to let Alva worry about him. He had the nerve to make excuses now, about being drunk and pissed off.

Well, Alva had been pissed off too. He didn't go and have sex with Susumu!

Alva had no words. He pulled his hand away when Rae's reached for it, recoiling against the couch like a cornered animal. With his head down--chin almost on his chest--he stared dumbly at the edge of the table. In the movies, people went into shrieking rages or burst into violent tears, but Alva just felt so numb. Shocked. Five years, he and Rae had been together. Now, all of that felt like it meant nothing.

"...get out."

[Reagan Ryang]

The excuses were weak even in his own ears but he was desperate. He tried to reach Alva but he was somewhere else. Wherever he was, he wasn't reachable here and now, in this room. On the couch, he looked far, far away--unapproachable. Alone. Rae could hear his heart pounding hard against his ears, he could feel it rattling against his ribcage. His fingertips tingled and started to feel almost as if they'd lost all feeling as he tried to reach for Alva again.

"Alva," he said again, in a softer tone. He was really fucking it up. Was there a way to relay this kind of information without fucking it all up, though? If there was, Rae wasn't smart enough to know it or use it. All he knew how to be was blunt, even when it was to his own detriment. As Alva spoke, he lowered his hand and felt almost as if he'd been physically smacked in the face. Or the heart. More like the heart. It blew out like a bad tire, it hurt so much that he almost mirrored Alva's actions.

In his own mind, his words echoed. When Alva had left, when he'd told him not to bother coming back. Rae really thought that was the end of them, that Alva gave more of a shit about That Guy. Now... all he could think about was the message Alva had left. The only reason Rae was even here. Alva couldn't have... wouldn't have wanted him back here if he knew. Before. If he'd known... Rae swallowed hard and then gritted his teeth, reaching out for Alva's arm and trying to turn him to face him.

"You don't mean that."