We Are Bulletproof

Yeah. Why?

Because
if it weren't for Josh, I'd be the one writing suicide notes

Um how about this?
If he sent a suicide note, he's probably dead.

Where do you think he is?
Off fucking that other dude.

Yeah, don't fuckin remind me.

What the fuck ever.
You're on crack, fool.

When did he ever make me and Alva break up? Alva did that all on his own when he fucking broke my heart.
I loved him and all he did was spit in my face over and over again.

What the fuck are you on?
No he hasn't!
He's the only one that's always there!

Are you fucking with me right now?
Seriously?
When the fuck did we ever make up?
All he's ever done is fuck with me, I'm done.
He's done too, that's probably where he's at.
Fucked off, like I said!

What do you mean, what did he do to me?
I don't want to fucking talk about it.

Is that all you wanted?

Again, none of my business.
I don't want to know where he went.
Probably fucked off after what he did to me.

Why the fuck would I wanna talk about him?

"A friend date it is."

Didn't matter how dumb it sounded. It sounded like heaven to him. And he was dog tired. He hadn't slept at all overnight, just sat in his hollow darkness, waiting to die. After all the fighting and the admissions and... crying... he was beyond exhausted. His eyes burned for sleep and he could barely keep them open. And with the comfort overtaking the stress from earlier, it wasn't hard at all for his eyes to keep sliding closed. He kept opening them, kept looking to see if it was true that Alva was still there. Eventually, the exhaustion overtook him and his eyes stopped fluttering open.

He fell into a deep sleep, the kind born of deep emotional and physical exhaustion. The kind that the brain screamed to shut down, to rest, to repair all the damage and to help him wake up anew. It was a deep and dreamless sleep but... he smiled as he drifted off, still holding onto Alva's hand.

Hah! Alva laughed! Not... that Rae wanted him to laugh about that but... hey! He was laughing and that was what mattered. Laughing was a far cry from the absolute mess the two of them were earlier. Hells better than Alva begging with him to... forgive him or something because he dared move on without him.

It was okay, though. Rae wasn't okay for a minute but when he put it all into perspective, when he was too exhausted to even properly be mad, it was... surprisingly okay. As long as there was love there. As long as Alva didn't experience the horrendous rollercoaster of shit that Rae did, it was okay. And even if he did, Rae would be there, just like he said. Because... they needed each other.

As he lay back to rest, he smiled to himself. Yeah. It all turned out better than the Rae of last night ever could have imagined. Then, he thought the world might as well end with him. Now he was sleepy and back to that warm, fuzzy feeling of being with somebody that made him more comfortable than anybody else.

"It can still be a friend date," Rae said, knowing it sounded ridiculous. But he didn't want to be cut out of the trail just because it wasn't a date! "And I did say that but I thinnnnk I prefer the hike. Just saying."

Shit... Alva didn't sound that impressed with him for not knowing. But he didn't! What if Josh did say I love you? The thought of him saying it was... laughable. Rae had a hard time even imagining it, let alone hearing it. If Josh admitted it in some other form, though? If Rae knew, without a doubt, that there were feelings for him there...? He probably would have stuck it out for a while longer but what he said to Alva was too true.

Josh would end up burning him out until there was nothing left. That or Rae would go mad with the red taking over. Angry, wild, feral. Josh would love that, he thought. Sometimes Rae thought that was where Josh was pushing him, trying to mold him into something he wanted. Surely there had to be somebody more appropriate for him, then. Rae couldn't be the only one who rose to the challenge of a battle, who did sort of like a little violence in the bedroom, whose blood pumped harder for the excitement of it.

There were things Josh provided that Alva never could. Not that he would ever tell Alva that. But he also wouldn't tell Josh that Alva gave a lot that Josh would never be able to. If he looked at the two of them, Alva seemed more like the type to settle in with, to marry, to have a family with. And Josh was the fling that everybody craved at least once in their lives (so he thought). The kind that allowed for wild abandon.

Rae was still fairly young. Alva was his first love, maybe his only true love. But maybe they needed the separation for a while to learn things about themselves they never would have otherwise. Like this... the hardest lesson Rae had ever learned. It certainly wasn't going to leave him any time soon.

Tentatively, a smile formed on his lips as Alva took his hand. Rae's heart skipped a little beat. They needed each other. They could be there for each other, regardless of the witch, regardless of what happened with Josh or anybody else that came into their lives. Rae's smile grew just a tiny bit more and he gave Alva's hand a meaningful squeeze.

"And we're still going on that hike, even if it's not a date." He let out a rough little laugh, gaze turning around the room in his embarrassment. "I thought it was a date."

Kind. Patient. Sweet. Everything that Rae was not. Funny, that they should choose new partners in people who were nothing at all like each other. Rae thought they must have done it on purpose. Well, on purpose without really meaning to. Rae could never fill that void Alva talked about with anybody but Alva. But there was space there, still, for somebody else. Not just because he was lonely but because time moved forward and Rae was so angry, angry all the time. Not that Josh helped, to be honest. He just directed that anger wherever he wanted to amuse himself and left Rae feeling even angrier, more frustrated because he was looking for something he wasn't going to find in Josh.

It didn't mean he didn't love him, though. It was weird kind of love but it was there. Passionate, violent, like nothing he'd had with anybody else. Josh just got the nature of the beast, of being feral. He brought it out further, made Rae wild. But he enjoyed it for a while. It was freeing, to just be what his nature wanted him to be. And Josh did understand him in ways Alva couldn't. But... Alva understood things Josh didn't even seem bothered to be aware of.

Rae nodded, a small sound rising up in the back of his throat. The feeling of not being able to love again, he could identify with that. Even the thought left a hollow spot in his heart. For a while, he didn't know how to live without Alva in his life. He wanted him back so desperately but his pride held him back. No begging, no pleading. He didn't even fucking apologize for what he did to Alva... until now. Which should have been too late. But it didn't feel that way.

There had been a trickle of hope. Dashed now, but it was there. Maybe it could come back someday. Maybe they weren't trapped the way Rae felt they were now.

With some effort, Rae unfolded his legs and swung them over the side of the hospital bed. He watched Alva, who looked so tiny in his misery, a little ball of hurt. It was true, what Alva said earlier. They were all hurting. Alva, too.

"I don't know."

The words felt so stark in the room, plaintive. Really, he didn't know. Josh? Saying those words? Yeah right. And even if he did say them, he would only say them to to with him or to get Rae into some corner he wanted him in. Rae was realizing a lot of things he would much rather have stayed blind to. Even if it was good for him to know, he didn't know if the hurt of it was worth all that.

"But even if I did... do you really think it would last very long? Before this happened?" He indicated his face, his arm. "Josh... he's been pushing me to the edge from the start. He thinks he's funny." Rae scuffed the floor with his bare heel, like a contrite child. "But I'd be dead if it weren't for you."

He looked up, put out his hand. "I need you. Even if we're not... together. And I was just hoping that, maybe, you might need me too. Even if we're not together."