9:30 pm
Alva looked up at the round clock mounted on the wall above the tv, twisting the hem of the blanket laid across his lap. A cooking show was on that he wasn't really watching. Butter. Everything with butter in it seemed to look good. Butter was the key to flavor.
10 pm
He swiped a thumb over a smudge on the blank, dark face of his phone.
11:20 pm
Should he call again? Leave another message? Maybe Rae didn't get the first one...
Did he want to be that kind of boyfriend who blew up the other person's phone with a million calls and messages? He called five times earlier... and that was already four times too many.
If Rae didn't pick up the first time, he wasn't likely to pick up the sixth time.
11:45 pm
Alva rearranged the blanket. Looked at the clock again, sighed, transferred his glance back to the tv as his fingertips drummed against the cold surface of his phone. He picked it up and swiped a finger across the screen. One more call. Rae's number was first on the list; his fingertip hovered over the call icon, trembled...
No.
Where was he? What was he doing? Why didn't he pick up? Why didn't he call back? Was he with somebody?
...Rae wouldn't...
And shame on him for even letting his mind go there. Rae wouldn't. Just like Alva wouldn't.
Because they were committed to each other.
Because he meant something to Rae, who could have anybody he wanted, but chose Alva. He chose Alva.
1 am
The tv was still on downstairs in the living room. Alva's parents were out of town and probably good thing, too, with all the fog laying seige to Hazleton. He sat alone, blank eyes on the tv. Butter. Alva wished he had some; it might help that ball of nervous dread sitting in the back of his throat slide down into his churning stomach.
Outside, a vague shadow passed by the curtained window. It paused, then moved along. Alva didn't see it, with his eyes on the tv, but he felt a cold shiver travel up his spine and pulled the blanket up higher to cover his shoulders. There wasn't room in his crowded thoughts to analyze the source of the shiver, or the way that the hairs at the back of his neck stood on end.
Where was he?
1:05 am
Was time slowing down or was it just him? They always said that anticipation was a killer but Alva was already half-dead. He looked down at the mark on his arm, which had gotten darker again. Where was the cream that Susumu gave him? There, on the table beside him. Alva reached for it. Missed. Bemused, as his vision doubled momentarily, he closed his eyes hard. When he opened them again there was only one vial on the table, which he grabbed and hurriedly uncapped. He rubbed some more of the thick potion onto the mark to relieve the itch and the burn, but the real itch and the real burn was deep down inside.
Where was he?
2:30 am
Why didn't he call back?
It didn't matter what time it was, he had to at least attempt to call Alva back. Ignoring the obvious pangs and throbs covering his body, he held his breath. The ring of the phone made him feel sick to his stomach and he could have sworn he could feel and hear every single beat of his heart as he waited. Alva just wanted things to go back to the way they were. The whole time that Rae was angry and thinking nothing but revenge and how to lash out and hurt Alva the way he felt hurt... Alva was just...
He was just...
Fuck.
Rae squeezed his eyes shut and then reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose. He could feel the emptiness beside him--it was welcome at the moment. Josh had left, gone into the bathroom to avoid listening to Rae on the phone. He probably knew what it was going to result in. Groveling or some shit. Something that he'd immediately call Rae out for. Pussy or wuss or whatever the fuck he was going to call him.
When the ringing stopped, Rae gave no thought as to whether it was a machine, voicemail, whatever else. He immediately said, "Alva?"
Alva fell asleep in the wheelchair to the drone of the tv, still playing its marathon cooking show. The last thing he did was check his phone--for the thousandth time--before his heavy eyelids drifted closed. His dreams were fragmented things; the fight from earlier in the day, sitting on the bus and being stared at and judged. Rae's angry eyes, growing larger and larger and Alva running--only he wasn't running, but frantically wheeling himself away from the eyes that chased him. Alarms rang loudly in the background, a clamor of noise that chased him--
He woke with a start to his phone going off. Groggily Alva took the call and, yawning, lifted the phone to his ear. Rae. It was Rae's voice and he jolted awake almost at once, dropping the blanket sitting over his lap and ignoring it completely. Alva gripped the phone like a lifeline, like if he didn't squeeze it hard enough, he was going to lose Rae on the other end.
What time was it though? Alva lifted his gaze to the clock. A little after five in the morning! His heart hammered in his chest but he couldn't begin to describe the sense of relief that swept over him.
He had never felt this close to losing Rae before. Sure, there were fights, but nothing like this. Rae always picked up. He didn't disappear for hours, leaving Alva to worry and fret. Rae was easy to anger, but usually easy to appease too. At least... Alva could do it. That flash-fire temper didn't seem to burn too hotly when he was the fuel and Alva never had to worry about not getting back into Rae's good graces.
That just highlighted how seriously he messed up this time, he supposed. Rae still sounded strained and distracted but Alva was just glad to have him on the line. He turned down the volume on the tv and finally let out the breath that he'd been holding since he left that message for Rae. Everything was fine now. It was going to be all right. Alva would work his magic on Rae once Rae arrived and things would go back to the way they were, before Susumu and the curse.
No more secrets, though. No more lies--even little old lies of omission. Alva had definitely learned his lesson this time.
Although he didn't want to, he had to hang up the phone and call a cab.
Outside, it was freezing cold, which didn't help his ass or anything else that hurt much.
"Shit," he swore to himself as he looked down at the wounds that he'd been smirking about earlier in the mirror. They were everywhere, too. Would Alva even believe him if he told him that he'd just fallen off a cliff or some shit? Maybe he'd believe he'd gotten into a fight with another werewolf.
Am I really doing this? I'm gonna lie to him? He cast a shifty gaze around and wrapped his arms around himself as he waited for the cab. His breath came out in gentle white plumes as he stomped around for warmth. He quit doing that after a few times--the jolting motion hurt his sore ass. And every time he was reminded of his sore ass, he recalled what he'd done with Josh while Alva tried to call him a thousand times and smooth things over.
"Fuck."
He could hardly believe it had happened. Part of him knew he'd been wanting something like this for a long time: the fucking Josh part. Not so much the shattering Alva's heart part. Honestly, he didn't even want to break up with Alva. Despite everything, he was still stupid in love with him and the whole world had to know it. Even Josh. Rae looked up at the second story of the house behind him. What was Josh even doing right now, anyway? I should have said something before I left. But the way Josh took off after seeing the missed calls, he had a feeling that Josh already knew what was happening.
Did he even care? Was he pissed off or was he just indifferent? Was he just washing this all off his back? Like nothing ever happened? That was the best case scenario, anyway. If Josh didn't give any fucks that they'd fucked, then... he probably wouldn't say anything. Probably not. But if he was angry? Rae looked down at himself, at his clothes, which had been sort of torn apart in some places. On top of that, he probably smelled like sex.
So when the cab arrived, he directed it to his house first. The entire time he drove down the driveway and away from Josh's place, his gaze fixed on his beloved truck. He'd tried to get in but his keys were somewhere in Josh's room and he didn't feel like having some kind of discussion or argument with him right now. After a long moment, he turned away and gingerly positioned himself so his ass didn't sting so fucking much.
"Thanks!" he said to the cab driver. "Hang out here for ten minutes, okay? I'll be right back out."
The cab driver shrugged and cut the engine while Rae jogged up to his place. Every bouncing step... Urgh... He winced, then realized that his apartment key was attached to the car key. The keys were all missing.
"FUCK."
He stood frozen in front of his apartment door, half considering breaking in. Why the fuck didn't he have a hidden secret key under a doormat or in a planter or some shit? For fuck's sake! After a few more curses, he came back to the cab and wearily directed him to Alva's place. Now he wasn't nearly so confident. He felt sick and guiltier than he'd ever felt in his entire life. Five whole years. Five whole years, they'd been together and Rae had been a loyal ass boyfriend. And now look at him. He could hardly believe what was happening. Slicking his shaking hands through his hair, he tried to remember how to breathe.
The cab rolled to a stop in front of a familiar building and Rae swallowed hard. Throwing some money at the cab driver, he stared at the building even as the man drove away. Coughing away the stink of the exhaust, he straightened up his clothes and hair to the best of his ability and then hobbled his way to Alva's place, heart in his throat.
No keys here, either, so he had to knock and wait, feeling like any moment, he was about to pass out from the anxiety of it all.
Alva was pretty sure he was going to pass out waiting for Rae. Never in his life did he feel so jittery and nervous and excited and--and--just... antsy. This felt like one of those make or break moments. Like it was an important moment, a turning point in their relationship. This was the biggest fight they'd had to date and Alva had been forced to confront some demons that he honestly would have rather stayed buried.
It felt like a test. And Alva for one thought that they had passed. Maybe not with flying colors--they both did and said things that they shouldn't have been proud of--but in the end, they pulled through. Alva manned up and did the thing he hated most--apologize. Admit that he was wrong. And Rae said that he wasn't mad, which Alva took to mean that forgiveness was not long in coming.
Anyway, he could ingratiate himself with Rae. Probably with sex. That was his secret weapon, except it wasn't so secret because everybody basically knew that wolves were kinda... well. Enthusiastic, especially ferals, especially around the full moon. It slightly annoyed him that Rae had gone over to Josh's place but those two fought like dogs and... dogs. Nothing could've happened. Rae wouldn't do anything, Alva was almost 100% sure.
He nearly jumped out of his skin when the doorbell rang and flew--rolled--out of the living room and to the front door. Alva didn't hesitate as he threw it open, with a big stupid grin on his face. "Rae!" He flung himself at Rae. Or... the top half of himself at Rae, hugging him tight around the middle. Didn't matter what happened earlier that day. Didn't matter if bitter words were exchanged. Rae was here now.
Should he say something or shouldn't he? He thought about it the whole way up to Alva's place. Part of him thought it was stupid to throw away everything they'd built together over five years on one indiscretion. (Never mind that he was sure it would have happened earlier if Alva hadn't interrupted.) Saying something when Alva didn't know, it seemed... stupid. Alva hid things from him, so why couldn't Rae hide one tiny little secret from Alva? That was how he justified it in his mind--but he still felt all kinds of awful when a relieved Alva threw open the door and hugged him.
Shit fuck damn.
Curses raced through his mind but he pushed them away, put of his mind. Instead, he ran his hands through Alva's hair, trying not to think about how different it felt against Josh's. Of course it did. They were different people. Way different people. There was no mistaking that.
I should tell him.
If he said something now, it wouldn't prolong it. But if he kept his mouth good and shut, maybe Alva would never know. Maybe...
For a moment, he remained as he was, lightly stroking Alva's hair, the back of his neck, his shoulders. Then he looked down the hall and decided he'd rather not have an audience. Stepping inside and closing the door behind him, his gaze fell to Alva's arm. Then his hand moved over it.
"So... did you...?"
Ew. Rae smelled like Josh.
That was the first thing Alva noticed as he clung to Rae; he wrinkled his nose in disgust. Of course Rae smelled like the jerk, since he'd been in his house earlier. Didn't mean that Alva had to like it, though. He hugged Rae a little tighter, maybe a tiny bit more possessively, as Rae stroked his hair and neck and back.
Don't be stupid.
Alva didn't have that insane possessive streak that some people did but he wasn't out of line to dislike that his boyfriend had some other guy's scent all over him! (That would change, though. Soon.) He eased back to let Rae enter the darn house and looked down at the arm that Rae touched. "Did I... what?" There was no way to answer the question since he didn't know what Rae meant. Alva's fingertips slid over the back of Rae's hand. "It's better," he said softly.
As he looked up, however, he frowned. There was a small... discoloration on the side of Rae's neck, just peeking out above the collar of his jacket. Alva reached to touch it. "What's that?" A smudge? It was kind of purpley-blue, almost like a bruise or a hickey. Well, a bruise. Rae wouldn't be out getting hickies from strangers (or Josh), surely.
"Good," he said, relief flooding his system. At least their stupid fight meant that Alva had been helped. That made it... somewhat worth it. Although he couldn't help thinking that he was really, really in the wrong now. Not only had Alva not been with somebody behind his back the way he thought he'd been but he'd also been telling the truth about that guy and the curse and the way to heal it. If Rae let him go, he could have been healed faster. He frowned to himself even as he remained in Alva's embrace.
But the moment they parted... That was the moment his system went from flooded with relief to pure Guilt, the kind with a nasty capital G.
"Oh." He cleared his throat and looked down at it, too, as if that would buy him any time (or make him sound any more believable.) "I don't..." Know. He didn't know. Hah. That was an obvious lie, though. How did he get a mark like that on his body without... All the swear words were mounting again. And with the guilt came the irritation and he quickly pulled his collar up.
"It's nothing!" he said defensively. "I wanted to go out and fuck shit up, so I did."
"What?" Alva cried in dismay, "You got in a fight?"
And that guy punched Rae in the throat? What kind of asshole punched people in the throat! He could have done irreparable damage! Alva reached up again and even as Rae was tugging up the collar, he was trying to tug it back down to see how much damage had been done.
"Let me see! Did you get hurt? Should I get the first-aid kit?" The first time Alva met Rae, Rae was terribly hurt by a hunter and the old, awful images welled up again in Alva's mind. He felt deeply responsible. Rae went out and got into a dumb fight because of him! Because he kept secrets where he shouldn't have and now God only knew how hurt Rae really was, or how much injury he was trying to conceal.
Fuck.
Fuckfuckfuckfuck.
Should he? Shouldn't he? Alva was so worried about him and he was eventually going to see him naked. (Although not for weeks in the light if Rae could help it. There were marks EVERYWHERE! ...And in hard to explain places at that!
Shit! Now Alva was threatening to go for the first aid kit! Rae panicked and grasped onto Alva's arm trying to stop him from wheeling off to grab it. If he stripped him down to try and take care of what he thought was one bruise, he'd be in for a nasty surprise when he saw the rest of him! Trying not to let his panic show, he did his best to smile and reassure Alva.
"It's not that bad, really. I don't need first aid or anything. But... uh, I could use a quick shower? If you don't mind... I left my keys somewhere at Josh's, so."
Well if that wasn't suspicious, Alva didn't know what was! Usually the more that Rae denied something, the more he was covering it up. For the moment, Alva let him go, though he eyed Rae long and hard. Probably got hurt pretty badly, and didn't want Alva to know about it.
It tallied up with what Alva knew of Rae--he would hate to admit that somebody roughed him up, when he prided his own strength so much. Really, it was unnecessary to try and cover up the injuries because Rae didn't have anything to prove to Alva. His ability to take punches and to hit back twice as hard wasn't exactly what made him attractive to Alva in the first place; Alva didn't go in for the dumb meathead types.
"Okay, you can take a shower," Alva said slowly. "But only if you pay the fee first."
He turned his face slightly so that he could present a cheek--for the obvious kiss that he was asking for, as he held the shower hostage from Rae. Alva wasn't giving up, though, on finding out just how badly Rae was hurt. Hey, he was a fox and he had ways of finding things out. Just because he didn't pursue the subject didn't mean that he was letting it go, after all!
Oh yeah, he could tell that Alva was totally suspicious of him. Those eyes of his... It was hard not to just say something. It was hard not to tell the truth with those warm, trusting eyes. Even when he was suspicious of Rae's actions, he still seemed so trusting. He's a fox, though. They're cunning. Sly. And some said crazy. Nobody ever thought of them as sweet, innocent, stupid. Alva was sweet and he was certainly an innocent in this... sort of. (He did call into question a few things with that guy and his unwillingness to just trust Rae, thank you very much!) But. Alva wasn't stupid. Rae never thought that for a second.
Just tell him. With your own mouth! His conscious screamed at him even as he mustered up a smile and leaned in to give Alva the kiss he wanted. It was just a gentle kiss on the cheek--a far cry from what had happened not all that long ago. Rae sweated it out a little; he was sure that Alva could smell Josh all over him. Even Rae could smell him, still lingering in the air between them.
He swallowed hard and took a step back, holding his collar up, like Alva was going to dive for it or something.
"I can borrow something to wear, right?"
The way that Rae held on to his collar, it was like he thought Alva was going to spring out of his chair and lunge at him! Alva wasn't that obvious! He smiled his innocent smile and nodded. "Sure, I think some of my dad's stuff will fit you. I'll leave the clothes by the door, you can go ahead and shower if you want." And wash the stink of Josh off of him so that Alva didn't have to smell it too, and be reminded of how biting and vicious Josh's comments always were to him.
He eased the chair out of the room and into his parents' room, where he found a t-shirt and pajama bottoms that looked like they might fit Rae. Alva's father wasn't as tall as Rae, but it wasn't like Alva's things--or his mom's--would fit him! After leaving the clothes outside the bathroom door as promised, Alva didn't stick around. He could have ambushed Rae when he came out of the shower, but that wasn't the fox's way.
No, Alva went into the kitchen and opened the fridge door. He took out three beers, nice and cold, and set them onto the counter. He stared at them, as a sly smile stole over his lips. A satisfying, ice-cold bottle of beer would hit the spot after a hot shower, wouldn't it? And if he plied Rae with enough alcohol, at some point, the beans would be spilled.
Relieved and pleasantly surprised how easy it was to get away with cheating, Rae took the clothes and even had the audacity to kiss Alva on the cheek before he headed into the bathroom. Did it even count as cheating if he was moving on, full speed ahead, under the misconception that his boyfriend had left him for somebody else? Probably not. Turning up the heat in the shower, he tossed away his clothes and stepped under the spray. It was so punishingly hot that it hurt. Most of his body stung under bite marks and bruises.
As he soaped himself up, he tried to wash away the wounds as best he could but he wasn't a witch. Werewolves healed faster than humans, yes, this was true. However, they didn't magically heal overnight. It took a little more time than that. (Unless silver was involved but there had been no silver used in their... ah... sexual shenanigans.)
Squeezing his eyes shut, he turned toward the hot water. It was cleansing but it couldn't wipe out his muddled memories of what transpired between himself and Josh. Or the bitterness from his fight with Alva. It was all still there. It was just, in the moment, he was too relieved to let it take up the forefront of his mind.
Once he got out of the shower, he looked at himself in the mirror and his heart sank. The wounds were everywhere. Even in places one wouldn't expect. Like... what did he and Josh do that he had a big mark under the back of his elbow? Quickly, he dressed, trying to cover up as much of his skin as he possibly could. This wasn't like Rae--normally he was all about seducing his boyfriend by wandering around without a shirt or whatever.
When he came out, he didn't immediately see Alva. It wasn't until he made it to the kitchen that he saw him with a few beers. Oh shit. Did Alva want it to be that kind of a night? If he didn't let it go in that direction, though, Alva would be really suspicious.
"So, you want to get me drunk again, huh?"
There he was, just out of the shower. Alva was pleased that he could no longer smell Josh on Rae; the scent was so strong earlier that even from across the room, Alva detected it, with his keen fox senses. Now Rae only smelled like shampoo and soap--clean and fresh, just the way Alva liked him.
"Nope. These are mine," Alva declared breezily as he swept the beers into his lap and made to wheel out of the kitchen, back into the living room where the TV was still low-key playing its marathon food show. "You probably can't handle these, since you've already been drinking and everything, It's better if you get a glass of water or milk or something," he tacked on--very pleasantly--at the last minute, trying not to sound as if he was baiting Rae. There was a subtlety to the fine art of manipulation and reverse psychology.
Although he wasn't a big drinker himself, Alva could hold his liquor. Dating Rae, that was kind of a requirement. Maybe Rae didn't judge him out loud, but Alva was willing to bet anything that he silently judged his pants off every time Alva reached for a soda or a even a glass of water, when he could have "the hard stuff."
Even beer was supposedly "for pussies," as Rae put it that one time at Josh's cabin.
While Rae could tell Alva was trying to play some kind of foxy trick on him, he couldn't decide just what the endgame was. Did he want him to drink alcohol or did he want him to go for the milk? Rae made a slight face at the thought of going for the milk; he hadn't liked the taste of dairy since he was a pup. Raising a brow, he followed Alva (and the beers he'd snatched) out of the kitchen and into the living room. He noted that there was something on TV. Some kind of food show. So Alva wasn't lying. (Not that he thought he WAS.)
"So you're just going to drink a few beers and go back to your food show, is that it?" he asked, plopping down on a couch and immediately regretting it. Fuck. FOR fuck's sake. How could he keep forgetting that his ass was sore as hell? Gingerly, he tried to casually readjust himself on the couch so that he wasn't sitting on pins and needles.
"I'm not even that drunk," he said. "I sobered up in the shower."
"Yup!" Alva chirped as he arranged the bottles neatly--and conveniently close by--on the low-slung coffee table in front of the couch. Carefully he levered himself out of the chair and onto the couch, then pushed the chair aside so that it wouldn't get in anybody's way. He reached for a bottle and was just about to twist off the top, when Rae sank down onto the couch and made some kind of weird motion. It was like his whole body cringed before he stopped himself.
...okay... Maybe he was dizzy from being drunk. Alva cast a weird look over at him but didn't comment. Did he get a boot in the ass? The corners of his lips twitched just slightly at the thought. Lots of people threatened to put their foot up Rae's ass, but nobody had done it to date. (Hopefully nobody did tonight.)
"Okay, if you say so." Alva smiled brightly and twisted the top off the bottle with a satisfying release of air. A little of the beer foamed to the top and he quickly sipped it before it spilled over onto his fingers. "Ahhh... nice and cold! It's so refreshing!" Leaning into Rae, he rested his head against Rae's shoulder and absently slid a hand down the inside of Rae's forearm.
"There's a bruise here too," he began, studying it. "...did somebody bite you?" Because that looked an awful lot like teeth marks!
"You should sell beer," he murmured because damn if Alva wasn't selling the crap out of those beers right now. Watching the bottle reach his lips, he thought about grabbing one himself but Alva chose that moment to lean against him. Okay, fine. He'd stay where he was for now. It wasn't like he should be drinking even more. Loose lips, something about ships. He couldn't remember. He wasn't honestly giving it a whole lot of thought, with his gaze trained on Alva's pretty face and the warmth of his body against his. Even in the places where he pressed against a bruise, it still felt nice.
Settling comfortably in--as long as he didn't move too much, he was just fine. Not so fine when Alva discovered what Rae knew full well was an actual bite. Straightening up as much as he could without actually moving his ass from where it was, Rae indignantly stole his arm back.
"No!" But the bite was definitely there. At least it was just his arm. "Yeah," he finally admitted. "Josh and I... fought a little."
Alva uttered a deeply disgusted noise. "What? Josh bit you? What kind of asshole bites somebody in a fight?!" Indignantly thrusting the full bottle of beer onto the table, Alva craned his head down to look at the mark while using both hands to jerk the arm back in his direction. Even with Rae trying to hide it, he could still see part of it. The area was purple and blue, with a clear set of teeth marks standing out against the bruised flesh.
Jesus. How dirty did Josh even fight, to leave a mark like that?!
"The next time I see him, I'm going to slap him right across the mouth!" he exclaimed heatedly, winding his arms around Rae for a sympathetic--if forceful--hug and momentarily forgetting his dastardly plans to trick Rae into drinking himself into a stupor. Foxes could be every bit as fierce as wolves, when it came to protecting their own! It didn't hurt that Alva had a firm dislike of Josh (an understatement). Besides, everybody knew that there were two things that were off-limits in a fight: spitting and biting.
"Does it still hurt?" he asked, all concern as he gently ran his fingertips over the bite mark. What a creep, that Josh, biting somebody like that! At least he didn't draw blood! "Here, you deserve this." He handed Rae the cold beer. Poor baby.
"Wolves?" he suggested, although he couldn't even remember the last time he bit anybody in a fight in human form. Probably when he was still young, like three or four years old. They were taught not to, though. That biting the wrong person could pass on the traits. That a human could become a werewolf, too. Rae even remembered the disgust at the revelation; a dirty human could become a werewolf?! Well, he'd never give them the satisfaction!
But the worst part of the whole situation--the current one, not the one from his childhood--was that Alva was so worried. There was a tiny crease between his brows and his voice got a little tense. Not to mention the way he tried to take a closer look at Rae's arm. It made his skin crawl, knowing that Alva was concerned over something that didn't happen the way Rae claimed it happened. Sweat began to prickle against the back of his neck. He hated lying to Alva. It made him feel sick and wrong.
He never has to know.
He swallowed hard as Alva stroked the bite mark. Then his gaze flicked up, almost expecting something else when Alva uttered the words you deserve this. Fuck. Fuck. Rae took the cold beer and he considered it for a moment before he took a long, deep pull from it. He couldn't keep this up. Even if he tried to, Alva was going to find out. Who was he kidding, thinking Josh might keep it to himself? What if he didn't? What if Alva heard it from him? The longer Rae lied, the more he felt like a rat... and the more he knew it was going to gut Alva.
"Alva..."
He took another drink. Beer wasn't enough for this, unfortunately.
Alva hated the thought of someone hurting Rae--he hated it a lot. It made his chest feel tight with anger and his stomach knotted up. He felt hot all over and restless, because he was above all a problem solver. A doer. That was one of the traits that he shared with Rae, albeit to a lesser extent. Alva could never sit back and watch; if he had done that, he never would've rescued Rae all those years ago.
Wrapping his arms around Rae as Rae took a long pull from the bottle, Alva laid his cheek against Rae's shoulder. Josh hadn't bitten him and it wasn't Alva who got hurt, but it might as well have been. He hurt for Rae. And he wanted nothing more than to go out right now and confront Josh, creepy fog be damned!
"Yeah? Do you need anything else?" He lifted his head and looked expectantly at Rae, thinking that he wanted something harder than beer, or maybe that he was hungry. Rae looked uncomfortable but Alva took that to be physical discomfort. "Do you want the first-aid kit?" The secret was out now, Alva thought, that he'd gotten into a fight with Josh. Not much reason to refuse care now, was there?
He shook his head in lieu of a verbal response. Even as he took another deep drink, he almost had to choke it down--his throat felt so tight and constricted. Why the fuck did he think this was a good idea? He shouldn't have come here. But he couldn't ignore that tone in Alva's voice. Alva was so sorry, so contrite, and Rae should have been vindicated. But he wasn't. The fight ended up shattering their relationship because Rae lost faith in Alva and Alva... Alva didn't deserve what Rae did. Maybe he wasn't entirely innocent in everything--he could have said more, he could have been less secretive. But Rae... as he was wont to do, he overreacted. Big time.
"No," he said, squeezing the word out as he choked back the rest of the beer and held it tightly in both hands for a moment. Then he shrugged out of Alva's warm embrace and got up, standing and swearing. It would have been easier if Alva didn't love him so much. It would have been easier if he didn't love Alva so much. But he sort of doubted his own feelings after what he did. Drunk or not... deep down, he knew he enjoyed what he did with Josh, and that only made the pinpricks of guilt become as big as knives.
"Alva..." He rubbed the back of his head, trying to ease the tension knotting up there. "Alva... you... you're..."
"...oh. Well..." Alva trailed off awkwardly as Rae suddenly bolted off the couch--so suddenly that Alva almost fell forward. He put out a hand to brace himself and looked confusedly up at Rae and his bout of cursing.
"Rae? Is something wrong?" Obviously there WAS but damned if Alva knew what was wrong with him! He was acting all kinds of squirrelly. Even more so than usual! Alva knew the signs of Rae doing things that he shouldn't have been doing--there were definite signs--but if it was just the fight, he had nothing to worry about.
Unless it was the Fight--the one with the big capital F--from earlier that day. Alva frowned. He tried to reach for Rae's hand but he was too far away. "What's wrong?" he asked softly again. "You know you can tell me anything, Rae."
A lot of fucked up things were said in the heat of the moment. They fought a few times before (what couple didn't?) but never did it end in something as drastic as fucking somebody else. It was frustration and anger and betrayal. That was understandable, to his fucked up little head. Revenge, that was something he always bent toward when he was angry at somebody and he had never been so angry at Alva. All he wanted to do was be there for him. It felt like he was always doing his best to jump through hoops to even be with Alva. It was always a fight--with his friends, with his family. But Rae, he was always up for a fight. He liked a good challenge.
He was loyal, though. He was usually loyal to a fault. To his friends, to his family. It made sense that he'd be loyal to Alva when he fell for him. He fought a lot of people to stay with Alva, even himself, when he had his doubts. Doubt was pretty much a shred of the past at this point. At least, until Alva got all weird and suspicious about that witch casting a curse on him.
Rae didn't understand that part. Why Alva couldn't just say something. Why bother protecting a stranger? Even worse, why bother protecting somebody who cursed him--accident or not? Rae didn't understand it, and that made him angry. So angry. So frustrated.
The thing was, it could have been anybody. But it was Josh. And he'd be lying if he said it never crossed his mind or that it never would have happened. It felt--in the moment it was happening--like something that should have happened a long time ago. If there was never any Alva, he had no doubt at all that it would have happened far sooner than it did.
And that was the part he really didn't want to face. He wanted everything to just be Alva's fault because it would be easier that way. But it wasn't. It could have been anyone. But it wasn't. Was it? I shouldn't have come here. Yet he couldn't stay away. He turned back toward Alva. It was hard to even look at him. He looked so innocent in his concern. It never even crossed his mind, did it?
"You know I love you, right?"
"Yes, I know," Alva said quietly, studying Rae with a searching gaze.
Something was wrong.
Rae never had to question whether Alva knew he loved him. That shouldn't even have been a question. It should have been a given and a constant. So what was he hiding? Why did he have to make sure that Alva knew he loved him?
Something else happened at Josh's. It had to be that. That or Rae killed someone at the height of anger but Alva didn't think that even straight up murder warranted this kind of question. Rae had killed before, when he was uncontrollable on the night of the full moon. Alva stood by him.
It had to be... something else. His skittish behavior that night, maybe, or the way he kept Alva from seeing the marks on him. The mark on his throat, maybe. Did Josh bite him there, too? There were no teeth marks, though--just a bruise in a funny place. Alva wasn't stupid. In fact, he was bright; he was a clever, intuitive fox.
He always thought that there was something more to Rae's rivalry with Josh--something that kept them together as friends. People who hated each other's guts didn't stay friends. People who couldn't stand each other didn't hang out.
"...what did you do, Rae?"
Fuck.
Somehow, he managed to trash it all. He could feel it, the cold ache that started in his bones. It felt like even his blood was shivering and all he wanted to do was leave. Open the door, hurry away, somewhere, some place where he couldn't see the inevitable hurt in Alva's eyes. It was bad enough having to look back at him when he searched his gaze like he could see everything he thought right there in the pupils of his eyes.
Alva knew.
It froze the breath in his lungs. He knew... something. He knew it wasn't good news, he knew that there was something wrong. Not for the first time, he found himself lamenting that foxlike knowledge in Alva's gaze. He was smart; he'd always been smart. Too good for Rae, by far. People said it all the time. But they said if it weren't for Alva, Rae would be some kind of monster. Not in so many words, but it was implied.
Slowly, Rae reached out to touch Alva's hand. How warm it was, how real and solid. That same hand had grabbed his arm when Rae threatened to walk away from a fight. The same hand that held his when they went out together. The same hand that gently stroked his arm idly when they were sitting on the couch together. He thought it was going to do something a lot worse in a moment. Don't tell him. Don't!
But if he didn't tell him... Josh will. The next time they got in a real fight, Josh would hold that shit over his head. He wouldn't even have to actually intend to say anything. Just the threat of it, just the fact that he knew...
Rae kept his gaze on Alva, as steady as he could, despite the way he wanted to hide from those big, dark eyes. "Josh and I... we didn't fight."
He didn't want to acknowledge it but he could tell by the somber look in Rae's eyes that something terrible had happened--terrible for their relationship, for them. Alva's heart trembled as Rae took his hand and almost desperately, he clung to Rae's fingers. He couldn't even tear his gaze away from Rae, who said everything that he didn't do, but never answered the question.
What did you do?
They didn't fight. That bite mark and that bruise on Rae's throat weren't from fighting. There wasn't much else that made marks like that on the throat. There weren't many options left and as much as Alva tried to play dumb about it--lying to himself--he couldn't. He was smart. He didn't need all the pieces in front of him to put together the puzzle.
For a long moment, Alva was silent. The knowledge stung him and wiped his mind completely clean. All he heard was a strange buzzing in his ears, and then the roar of his own blood. They didn't fight. That mark--it was a hickey. It had to be. How else could a bruise like that get all the way up there? Alva stared at Rae with the dawning horror in his eyes.
He smelled Josh on Rae the second Rae entered the house. A scent that strong usually only meant one thing, but Alva didn't want to go there or think it. Rae loved him. He wouldn't do anything like that, Alva told himself, and subconsciously pushed the knowledge away into a convenient dark corner of the mind. Impossible.
Alva let out a sharp exhale.
"You..." The buzzing intensified in his ears. "You and Josh..." His hand slipped out of Rae's grasp. He thrust it into his own lap and covered it with his other hand,, holding it tightly to his stomach like he could hold in the bile and the nausea if he just pressed inward hard enough.
Rae and Josh.
If he could, Rae wanted to get away without saying the actual words: I fucked Josh. Or I cheated on you. Did it still count as cheating if he considered them broken up at the time? It didn't matter; Rae had still fucked up big time. Like big, BIG time. He knew that even before he saw the expressions that crossed Alva's face. Watching him go through confusion to knowledge to disbelief, it was so horrific that Rae--who normally wasn't the type to flee--really wanted to run like a puppy for its mother.
Fuck.
The silence in the room was deafening. The way Alva pulled his hand from him was telling, more so than any word. Even when Alva did speak, he couldn't seem to get past the words you and Josh. Yeah. Him and... Josh. Alva didn't like Josh much. But that wasn't why it stung, was it?
"Alva," he said, trying to reach for his hand again. "I'm sorry. I was pissed off and drunk and..."
It wasn't that Josh was Alva's most outspoken critic, or that his slurs and snide comments went lower than low when he targeted Alva's disability. It wasn't Josh at all. It was Rae--what Rae did, knowingly and purposely. People didn't 'accidentally' have affairs. There was conscious effort. Rae had to know what he was doing when he did it.
When he cheated.
Even if he was stone drunk, that still was no excuse. Some part of him wanted it, Alva was sure. That part clouded his better judgment and it hurt the most to know that Rae chose Josh that night over staying true to him. And he was prepared to lie about it. He came over and pretended that nothing happened, lied to Alva's face about getting into a fictitious fight and had the audacity to let Alva worry about him. He had the nerve to make excuses now, about being drunk and pissed off.
Well, Alva had been pissed off too. He didn't go and have sex with Susumu!
Alva had no words. He pulled his hand away when Rae's reached for it, recoiling against the couch like a cornered animal. With his head down--chin almost on his chest--he stared dumbly at the edge of the table. In the movies, people went into shrieking rages or burst into violent tears, but Alva just felt so numb. Shocked. Five years, he and Rae had been together. Now, all of that felt like it meant nothing.
"...get out."
The excuses were weak even in his own ears but he was desperate. He tried to reach Alva but he was somewhere else. Wherever he was, he wasn't reachable here and now, in this room. On the couch, he looked far, far away--unapproachable. Alone. Rae could hear his heart pounding hard against his ears, he could feel it rattling against his ribcage. His fingertips tingled and started to feel almost as if they'd lost all feeling as he tried to reach for Alva again.
"Alva," he said again, in a softer tone. He was really fucking it up. Was there a way to relay this kind of information without fucking it all up, though? If there was, Rae wasn't smart enough to know it or use it. All he knew how to be was blunt, even when it was to his own detriment. As Alva spoke, he lowered his hand and felt almost as if he'd been physically smacked in the face. Or the heart. More like the heart. It blew out like a bad tire, it hurt so much that he almost mirrored Alva's actions.
In his own mind, his words echoed. When Alva had left, when he'd told him not to bother coming back. Rae really thought that was the end of them, that Alva gave more of a shit about That Guy. Now... all he could think about was the message Alva had left. The only reason Rae was even here. Alva couldn't have... wouldn't have wanted him back here if he knew. Before. If he'd known... Rae swallowed hard and then gritted his teeth, reaching out for Alva's arm and trying to turn him to face him.
"You don't mean that."
This was the end.
No matter how much Rae called his name or tried to take his hand, Alva couldn't stand the sight of him. Even if he was sorry. Even if every cell in Rae's body regretted the cheating, it didn't change the fact that it happened.
Tonight.
It happened tonight. Hours ago, probably, while he was sitting at home waiting to hear from Rae, worried that Rae might be hurt or getting into trouble. While Alva was contrite about what he had done, and beat himself up and down over what he had done to Rae, Rae was...
He looked up finally at Rae, as Rae grabbed onto him, and his eyes were hard and bright. Too bright. The air felt stale in his lungs. He couldn't stop thinking about it--Rae and Josh. Rae and Josh. Rae and Josh, behind his back, playing him for a fool while he waited for hours at home for Rae.
"Get out," Alva repeated, more firmly this time. He didn't shout, though; he didn't scream even though it took everything in him not to reach out and slap Rae across the mouth, the way he'd threatened to do to Josh.
You don't mean it.
But the way his stare cut through Rae, the words couldn't be repeated. Alva didn't mean it? Heh. That was... rich. Alva meant it. It wasn't just hurt in his gaze. It was betrayal. It was the gaze of somebody who was well and thoroughly finished. Alva had enough of him.
Rae used to think Alva was way too good to be true. When they first started dating, Rae kept waiting for the hammer to fall. One day, he was sure Alva would wake up and see sense and he would realize they'd never work out. But they worked everything out. Through it all, through all the snide remarks and judgmental stares, they had always been so much stronger than the world around them. That only worked when they were together, though. Rae knew what he did shredded at the ties that bound them. He just hadn't expected it to be this sudden.
Slowly, he dropped his hand. His heart beat sickeningly fast and he almost felt the urge to be sick. He couldn't stand the look in Alva's eyes. Even worse, he put it there. Worst of all, he had a feeling he couldn't smooth things over with apologies. Five years. He hoped that stupid curse witch fuck was happy. Yes, he blamed everything on that asshole.
Without words, Rae stepped away and strode outside--despite the pain in both his heart and his body.
It wasn't until he was outside that he realized he was standing out in the rain with no car but he didn't fucking dare go back inside.