We Are Bulletproof

Music pounded and the lights strobed across the room, casting everything into garish shades of red and green and yellow and blue. Josh pounded back a shot from an overfilled glass, hardly caring if the liquor splashed over his hand as he did so. Lazily, he licked away the spilled remnants from his fingers and savored the burn in the back of his throat with a low, throaty hum of satisfaction.

Leaned casually against the bar with one elbow resting on the countertop, he scanned the rest of the room. On the main stage, a well-proportioned man was working the pole; others, dressed so scantily that they might as well have worn nothing at all, meandered through crowds of cheering and hooting women to serve drinks. Josh saw tips being stuffed into underwear, winks and nods, flushed cheeks. The strip club was mostly full of women but there was a decent smattering of men here too, taking in a show.

Josh's predatory gaze flickered from one to the next. "Hey bartender." Josh gestured with the casual arrogance of someone accustomed to having his way immediately. "That one."

A man at the end of the bar finally caught Josh's interest. As the bartender walked over with a purple drink and handed it over to the man, then gestured towards Josh, he smiled. There was just enough self-assuredness in it to not be completely cocky, but confidence and Josh never strayed far from each other in a sentence.

...why?

Why... was he even here? Part of him--most of him--was incensed that Josh thought he could snap his stupid fingers and just make things happen. What made it even worse was the fact that Rae was actually here, like some fucked up, lovelorn puppet with no will or backbone of his own. But he had a backbone, and he knew he did.

So. Then. Why was he here again?

Rae hated these places, unlike Josh, who seemed to practically live in them. Seedy dark places were his favorite places. Rae was more of an outdoorsy type; he would rather go on a hike, he'd rather hole up in a log cabin, he'd rather fuck in a bush. That was the wild part of him, the part that grounded him to his wolf heritage. His human side, though... still hated these places. They were loud and offensive to every sense and just trying to walk was akin to wading through a slough of undulating bodies, all hoping to get closer to another body. A couple of them grazed or ground up against him and Rae growled under his breath, pushing past the bodies so he could find Josh.

He should have figured he'd be at the bar. He did say he was drinking and that meant being close to the bar.

And the strippers. They were strippers. Candy to the eyes of the rest of the population. Rae admittedly hardly gave them much of a look. There were old habits, like the fact that he used to belong to one person exclusively for a long time. Five years of his life was a long time and all that time was spent genuinely giving a shit about the person he was with, even if it was also frustrating in more ways than one.

Now that he was "free," he sure as hell didn't feel that way. If anything, he felt more strangled by Josh's invisible leash than he'd ever felt with Alva.

With his phone broken, there was no way to even get back to Josh and he'd thrown the damn thing straight out the window on the way because all it did was send broken transmissions. And he wasn't even sure they were going through so what the fuck was the point? What did he need with that damn thing anyway? It was just filled with pain; Rae was achingly aware of the photos of Alva and himself in it. Maybe breaking it was the best thing that happened to him. Somehow, it didn't feel that way.

And now he was standing across the room from the bar, watching Josh drink, watching him buy a drink for some other fucker that probably smiled or winked at him. Why am I here? If Josh wanted to fuck so bad and he wanted a fucking stripper, why didn't he just let him do it? Rae stepped back, and right on top of the shoe of some haughty man who shoved him off with a sneer.

"Watch where you're going!"

Anger sparked, familiar and charged with the situation. Rae turned swiftly toward the man who'd pushed him, didn't care who he was or what he looked like. He went straight for the nose and glared down at the haughty man as he leaned down, grabbed his nose, and cried out in rage. Blood poured through his fingers, which gave Rae a grim sort of satisfaction. He would have fought the entire bar just to let out that tightly bound up tension in his muscles.

Whatever Rae was on, Josh didn't want in on it—for once. He looked at the nonsense that Rae was sending and his lip curled in disgust. If that was meant to be a joke, well, it had just missed its target audience. And Rae was a shitty comedian anyway. Unimpressed and annoyed, Josh tucked his phone away into his back pocket and turned to the man at the end of the bar who was drinking the drink he ordered.

It wasn't as if Josh was going to bend him over the bar then and there. He went over to chat the guy up while he waited for Rae to eventually come storming in. Good little predictable puppy—he'd come if only to snarl and snap and to let Josh know in no uncertain terms that he was pissed off. And then... what? Rae's plans never seemed to extend beyond unleashing his own explosive emotions.

Good thing Josh knew how to lead.

He briefly looked around once in a while for Rae but Rae took his sweet ass time getting to the strip club. Meanwhile, strippers danced onto and off of the stage and it was loud and the lights were gaudy and garish. This was Josh's scene. He seemed to have an instinct to buck against the expectations of the straight-laced upper-class society that he was born into. Everything he was expected to do, he did the opposite.

Maybe that was why, when the commotion across the room turned nearly every head, Josh continued sipping his drink. He heard the cursing and saw fists being thrown out of the corner of his eye. Security guards mobbed the area and dragged a few people out of the door. Josh elected to finish his drink before sliding off of the bar stool and leaving his bemused new friend.

Outside, he let out a soft breath and glanced around. Having just rained, it was wet and humid; he smelled the damp earth and felt moisture settling against his skin. The commotion had spilled out into the parking lot so Josh walked himself on over. That was Rae's fight, not his; he hadn't entered a strip club with any intentions of biting someone's throat out. With a kind of calloused amusement, Josh hung back to watch and to let Rae's temper run its course. He had to admit that Rae's assailants weren't doing a bad job against him. Probably supers. Well, Rae wouldn't die.

Inevitably, the fight was taken outside. Rae wasn't the only one dragged out by security. There were others. Friends of the guy he'd walked into. Friends of his friends. Nobody was there for Rae but it was hard to care when all he saw was Red. All he wanted to do was fight at this point. He wanted nothing to do with any of the trappings of a relationship. Even friendship was pissing him off. There were a thousand reasons to be angry and pissed off; nothing seemed to be going in any way that Rae could predict and he fucking hated it. What it did was make him feel like a caged dog with no concept of where he was going or how to escape. Maybe he was just blindly ripping out his own guts in the process but it wasn't like he knew any better way to feel anything.

At least the fight was something physical. Rae could handle physical pain. Punches, kicks, bites, broken arms. Yeah, he was pretty damn sure that guy broke his fucking arm. One of the friends turned out to be a big'n and all he had to do was pull him forward and twist. Pretty sure it was out of its socket too but Rae had no reason to back down. Backing down meant he had something to lose. Some reason to preserve his life. That Red in his vision, though, that Red was all he saw. All he tasted. Dark and metallic on his tongue, down his nose, down his arm. down the knuckles where he'd punched great dents into whatever came his way.

Preservation? That was for people who had reasons. Reasons for living. Reasons for going forward. Reasons to plan. Rae wasn't much of a planner from the start but at least, once he had some kind of plan, some kind of predictability to offset everything that wasn't so predictable about his temper or the life he led. Now that was all out the window. There was Josh, whose smile mostly just set him off and whose laugh burned through him. Always mocking. He didn't know how it was possible to hate somebody as much as he did and still....

Still...

What?

He took a hit to the gut and stumbled back a few steps, even ended up grounded, one knee on the ground, one good arm reflexively protecting his stomach from further attacks as he fought to catch his breath. Fuck. He could hardly breathe at all. Every time he did, his body convulsed and he could taste more blood filling up his mouth. Spitting, he forced himself back onto his feet, a heat filling his veins, a familiar heat. One that he should have been fighting but he half closed his eyes, waiting for it. Waiting for the change.

But it didn't come. Something held it back and the guys surrounding him looked him over. One laughed. Another put an arm around his buddy. They were all friends. Content with how they'd beat this piece of shit down. Was that all he had? Refusing to let them just leave him like that, Rae pounced forward, this time claws growing, slashing the closest friend of the original guy in the back. Rae's howl as he changed was not filled with triumph or glee or even violent revenge.

It was the howl of a lone wolf that has finally realized it.

The fight seemed to be an euphemism for the way that Rae's life was going. It wasn't going well. He watched them mobbing Rae and saw Rae falling, rising, falling, rising in an endless loop. There was no quit in him; Rae was the kind of stupid that would fight until he died. Something in him couldn't just give up and lay down and Josh wasn't sure it was all pride anymore.

Josh could have stepped in at any time but he didn't. He wasn't afraid of getting hurt and he was no stranger to a bloody, vicious fight but tonight something stood in the way. Maybe if he stepped in and got his hands dirty, it would reveal too much. Maybe if he helped, it would show that he gave a damn about someone other than himself. The conversation from earlier wouldn't get out of his mind. Love. Love. Love. It made everyone weak and stupid.

For long moments Josh watched, unflinching even as Rae fell and got up only to stop, waiting for something that didn't happen. The group walked away laughing, nursing their own wounds but seven or eight against one wasn't much of a fair fight even against a full-grown feral. Josh put a foot forward at last only to stop again as Rae shifted and attacked the group again. But they weren't humans. There were shifters, what looked like a witch, maybe a vampire.

If he didn't intervene, they probably would have killed Rae. Josh stepped forward again but the sound of a mournful howl stopped him cold. He looked down for a moment, let out a breath, closed his eyes. The sounds of animals snarling and roaring and the impact of bodies on bodies became louder in the absence of sight. Josh wanted to leap into the fray but again, something stopped him. Something was different in Rae tonight; he was changed even before he got to the bar. Something was different in Josh, too.

"...shit." He opened his eyes when he heard sirens approaching and saw the blue and red lights growing brighter. Police cruisers glided into view and there were guns drawn, the sound of shouting, scuffling and tasers being fired. Josh saw the bodies falling and convulsing, saw the cops crowding and wrestling with just about everyone. Even then he could have probably helped Rae but he turned away. He couldn't help Rae from the inside of a jail cell, which was where he would end up if he got himself involved now.

Blood.

Everywhere.

His blood. Somebody else's blood. He tasted it on his muzzle, breathed it in with every lungful of air. Metal and warm but there was always something cold about the way blood smelled. Snorting, he sprayed blood, snarled, fought again. There were different bodies around him now; shifters. Magic.

It was the magic that ultimately got to him. Humming through his body, it stopped him in his tracks, felt like a great big plastic covering over his body keeping it from moving but he stubbornly pushed through the shield. And then a second later, electricity coursed through him. He almost wanted to laugh. He sort of wanted to cry. Sadly, he just let out a characteristic wolf whimper because that was all that would escape as his body twitched against its will.

Others, too. They were all being controlled. Crowd control. Cops. Cops that knew about the supernatural community. Cops that had probably been called by the supernatural club owner.

There wasn't much left of a fight in any of them as they were packed away into special trucks usually driven around by rangers or animal control. Lovely. They were being taken to the pound? Rae closed his eyes where he lay on his side. A couple of shifters were in the back with him, but they were all locked away in their own cages so they couldn't continue the fight in the back of the truck. Rae, being a large wolf, was in a cage large enough to accommodate his human form. Exhausted as he was, he didn't have the energy to switch back so he left it as it was. One of the other larger shifters did shift, though, and the whole way the truck rumbled down the street, he had to listen to him bitch at him and the others about how his good night was ruined by some mangy wolf.

There was no sign of Josh.

Figured.

Rae was so disheartened by the time they arrived that he just let himself be handled by the animal control officer, pushed into a cage, surrounded by yappy, barking dogs. He never showed up. Rae was pretty sure he just left with some stripper, just the way he wanted to. Threatened to? Were they ever even friends? If they couldn't even be honest with each other, he supposed... not. They were just... two people fucking. And always pissing each other off. Or Rae was always pissed off and Josh didn't give any fucks. It was fun to rile somebody up for him. Maybe that was all Rae was to him; and if he wasn't pissed off or at the edge of his temper in some way, he was... pointless. Not fun anymore.

Without meaning to, he let out a little whimper-sigh. Fuck it all, he was so pathetic that he couldn't even get himself good and killed. He tried to set his chin down on his paw but it was his bad paw and he ended up growling at himself before letting his face rest against the cold concrete.

How the hell was he getting out of this one? His gaze shifted over to the dog locked up in the cage next to his. Just a regular dog, from the looks of it. But some of the other shifters were here too. One shifted back to a human. And he heard the guys talking; they did know what they were dealing with. Shifters.

"Got somebody to call?" said one of the animal control officers as they came up to his cage. Rae just stared at him. NO. There was nobody to call. Fuck him. After a long stare, he turned his head away and closed his eyes. Fuck the whole goddamn world.

The cops didn't see him slipping away. It wasn't hard to melt into the crowd emerging from the club to see what was going on, and then making his way to his car to join the fleet of other cars vacating the premises. Josh briefly saw animal control pulling up and thought it almost fitting that Rae was going to be tossed into the pound. He lived more like an animal than a human these days.

Maybe Josh had something to do with that, though. Didn't he always deride Rae for being too civilized? Didn't he purposely go out of his way to entice the animal out of him? He liked Rae when he was spirited and fiery but this was neither spirited nor fiery. This was desperation. This was... an epiphany of some kind, no doubt. Josh wasn't stupid, he had eyes and ears and a working brain big enough to put together the pieces of the puzzle.

He drove around town for a long while afterwards with the windows down, letting in the damp, earthy air. There was something organic about the smell of rain, of the light scent of dirt and pine that always hovered around town since they were surrounded mostly by woodlands. Josh didn't have a destination; he drove and drove and drove and let the winding roads take him where they willed.

Was it worth it? This fight? Did Rae even have it in him to keep tearing himself up that way? Josh didn't want a broken toy. He wasn't in the business of wiping away tears and stitching up hearts. He was a career heart-breaker. Somehow he never imagined that his own heart could be affected in some way. Before Rae, it was all about the sex and the domination. The power. The superiority. Josh was insufferable and he knew it, and they all knew it too but nobody cared because it was a game.

What was this now? Not a game. Not a fun game. Why was he even here, cradling someone else's broken remains in the hands that were made to destroy rather than heal?

At a stop light, he rested his elbow against the open window and wiped a hand over his face, feeling tired and... heavy. Restless. His legs didn't know how to arrange themselves and his hands slid up and down on the steering wheel, guiding the car mindlessly. Damnit. And damn him. Why couldn't Rae just get over it? Just... get over him and be grateful that Josh bothered with his sorry ass at all?

They could've been so good together. There was obvious chemistry between them from the first meeting and the sexual tension that simmered just underneath the surface made everything so exciting and amusing at first. Josh was even willing to admit that he could see himself with Rae in some capacity--although not monogamously--but it was obvious that the fox wasn't ever going to be completely out of the picture. Rae was broken. Being with Josh somehow made the cracks bigger, made him needier, more restless. He saw it coming, though. Maybe he didn't want to acknowledge it but deep down, Josh knew that things weren't the same anymore.

Even Aldon didn't act like--okay, Aldon was worse. If there was ONE single sliver of a silver lining it was that Rae, at least, wasn't Aldon.

HONK HOOONK!

The angry driver behind him slammed on the horn and Josh glared into his rearview mirror venomously. He sped away from the intersection and swerved abruptly off-road to let the asshole pass him by. Josh leaned back in his seat and stupidly pulled out his phone. Who would he even call? What friends did he have that he wanted to talk to aside from Aldon and Rae? Aldon was useless and Rae was probably tased out of his fucking mind by now. No message from Rae either, which was a given; wolves didn't have pockets to hide phones in when they shifted.

Still. His hand tightened on the phone until he heard an ominous crack and then he let it drop listlessly onto the passenger's seat beside him. Josh reclined the seat and laid back, closed his eyes and let the sound of cars and rain sweep over him.

Pitter. Patter. Rain dripped down on top of the tin roof of the dog kennel. Rae woke up shivering. The room was grey. Everything was so grey. The concrete of the floor, the grey bricks of the walls, the grey of the chain-link fencing that made up the gate of his cage. Throat so tight he could have choked, Rae sat up, realizing as he did so that he was no longer in wolf form. Somehow, he had changed in the night without knowing. Or... He reached up, rubbing at a sore spot on his shoulder. Somebody injected him with something.

This time, the person who came walking down the row of cages--inciting the dogs to start yammering and yapping again--was a woman with a no-nonsense sort of expression. When she spotted Rae, she looked over her shoulder and then beckoned somebody forward. Another one of the animal control officers came stumbling over.

"Yes ma'am!" she said eagerly to her superior.

"Get this one something to wear so he can make his phone call."

The girl immediately took off to do as she was told. Rae watched with impassive eyes as the woman stayed where she was, watching him. She was a wolf, too. He could just tell by the look in her eyes. Or if she wasn't a wolf, she was something close to it. She looked down at a clipboard she held, consulting whatever had been written on it.

"So you started a brawl? Did you know that nine in total were arrested and most of them were injured? And none of them claim to have been fighting with you... but rather against you." She looked up. "What were you trying to accomplish?"

Rae didn't answer her. What did anybody have to gain by his answer? The woman was a patient one, though, and she waited... And still nothing. The girl came back with clothing and after the older woman opened the gate, the younger one gingerly stepped inside and held out some generic looking clothes, probably from a donation box. Rae didn't take it. Eventually, the girl set the clothes down and slipped back out, looking more like she had escaped the snapping jaws of an alligator rather than the cold stare of a man who was a wolf on the inside. Or used to be, anyway.

"We'll give you some time to get dressed," the older woman said, before steering her protege off, presumably to speak to one of the other shifters.

Rae didn't know how much time passed before he eventually gave in to his baser instincts. He was cold and the clothes taunted him; eventually he pulled them on. Jeans that were a little too big around the waist. A t-shirt that was fine and a sweater that was a bit too snug. He wasn't winning any fashion awards any time soon, that was for fucking certain. More time passed, until eventually somebody came in with a cellphone in hand.

"Reagan?"

A familiar voice. Not the kind that made his heart twist or burn or flip. But it was familiar enough to make Rae look up. At the obnoxiously familiar face of Ryland Ren. Of course it was Ryland Ren. Because of course it had to be somebody linked to Alva. Of course it did. He didn't need this, in the middle of all the other things crowding his head.

"Go away."

"Don't you want to--"

"GET THE FUCK OUT."

Ryland, if he had anything more to say, didn't say it. If he reacted with a flinch or a glare or if he looked as if he wanted to speak, Rae didn't see it because he refused to even look at him. He waited, he waited until he heard the cage door close again, with a secure little creak and a click of the lock. And then he looked. Ryland was still standing there and he looked like he was fighting with himself to say something or not to say something.

"Go," Rae said slowly. "Away."

"Are you SERIOUS?" Hands on hips, Yoojin's disapproval couldn't have been more obvious. She shook her head slowly at Alva, who was shoving his coat on inside-out while frantically searching for his keys. "You can't go down there, Alva! The guy is out of his mind! And did you already forget that he cheated on you? Where's lover-boy now that he's all locked up?"

Alva stopped and squeezed the keys that he'd just grabbed off the coffee table. He sat in silence for a moment while Yoojin seemed to regret her words, and came over to place a hand on his shoulder. When he spoke, his voice was low and shaky. "I know... I know what he did better than any of you. But. I can't just—somebody has to help him. He won't listen to anyone else and he's hurt. He needs help."

"But why does it always have to be you, Alva? Why can't someone else deal with him? He's not your responsibility anymore."

"Rae needs help," Alva repeated gently. He gazed pleadingly up into Yoojin's still-disapproving face but her expression was softening and she rubbed his shoulder with her thumb lightly. "Please. I need a ride down to the shelter before he does something even crazier and makes everything worse."

A few minutes later he was in the car, left to his own thoughts while Yoojin drove them to the shelter where Rae was being held. Alva said very little and his responses were absent-minded. He didn't know if this was the right thing to do but at the same time, he couldn't leave Rae there, all alone and injured with no one by his side. Rae was very much already a caged animal from the beginning, straining against the bars to get out. He was wild and untamed before Alva came along to temper some of that ferocity and now being cooped up in an actual cage, Alva didn't want to think of what could happen.

Part of him didn't want to go, though. Part of him wanted to be safe, to safeguard the heart that was already broken and shield it from more harm. It wasn't mending right but at least all the pieces were there again, together, waiting to be reassembled by a caring, loving hand. Alva dropped his head and swallowed the lump in his throat. Everyone already knew this was a bad idea. He didn't even know what he would say to Rae once he saw him.

Nothing had been resolved. Rae cheated, blamed it crazily on Susumu's presence in Alva's life, blamed it on Alva, and then... was gone. Back to Josh. As if that wasn't damning enough. All that did was drive Alva right into the arms of another man. Alva had his own problems to worry about and really, a broken arm wasn't life-threatening, was it? Why was he rushing down to the shelter for someone who couldn't even say sorry?

Was he making a mistake? Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe he was the stupid one, hanging on to sentimentality when he really needed to excise Rae out of his life and keep him out. There was nothing left between them except some bitterness, blame and regret. He couldn't even remember the last time he thought of the name Reagan Ryang without feeling nauseous and ill, without his eyes stinging and his heart twisting in his chest.

And yet... it wasn't in Alva to ignore those in need. He was the first one Ryland called because even Ryland had to admit that only Alva could help Rae in a situation like this. Alva couldn't forget—even if he wanted—that he loved Rae and cared for him. Feelings like those didn't magically go away; they simply became buried underneath the hurt and disappointment. Once, Alva's was the hand that soothed and mended. He didn't hate Rae, despite everything that happened between them.

"We're here honey." Yoojin reached over to touch his hand and he held on to it tightly. "Are you SURE you want to do this? It's not too late to go home..."

Alva stared at her for a long moment and then nodded. "I'm sure." But as he maneuvered his chair inside, into the lobby to ask for his cousin Ryland, his mouth was dry and his throat was tight and still, in the back of his mind, he wondered if he was doing the right thing.

It was kinda weird, seeing Rae... that way. Not naked--Ryland didn't even see him like that. He came in a bit after that debacle. Honestly, he was still reeling from the fact that they were aware of shifters and worked with them accordingly. Ryland thought he was doing something good for shifters on the down low. Turned out there were people already in place for that. Curious. He wondered just how much Hazleton knew that he never knew that they knew.

Hah...

Not a good time for humor. Ryland looked down at his phone with a sigh, at his own reflection in the black rectangle. Wasn't it fitting that the sky was grey and drizzly? That the air was cool and dewy? He shivered slightly, even under his jacket. Then he forced himself to send a series of texts to Aldon. Why did he even still have his number, anyway? It was like it imprinted itself in his memory even after upgrading his phone and trying to purge everything that he shouldn't hold onto. But moving on in a small town like this... It was a nearly impossible feat.

And wasn't Aldon supposed to leave? Ryland thought he'd heard it down the line but he still caught glimpses of him around town. Hard not to. Again, Hazleton was small. People were all about being in one another's business, even when it couldn't possibly involve them.

Still... Ryland did sort of make this whole thing his problem. Maybe he should have tried to deal with it on his own but Rae sure wasn't making it easy. Uneasily, he looked toward the old door that led down the hall of one of the dog kennels, where they stowed Rae away for the night. Now that the dogs had been fed, they were mostly quiet but the minute they set foot back in there to retrieve Rae, it would be all barks and dog feet mashing against chain-link gates. Ryland sighed again, until Kathy called him and told him that somebody was there for him.

"Be right there!" Ryland called. He looked down at his phone one last time, then shoved it in his back pocket. Time to take care of Rae. He didn't know the full story about how he ended up here. The assumption that Josh was there was merely an assumption. Normally, whenever Rae got into trouble, he was with somebody, be it a brother or Josh or even Aldon. But now he was just out there on his own, which was just kinda... weird. Ryland wasn't going to pretend to be an expert on the guy any more than Alva was on Aldon but... something was definitely off. Maybe it was spells again.

Ryland met with Alva in the front office, where Kathy had gone to speak with somebody on the phone and her assistant, Lizzie was awkwardly standing with Alva. It seemed like she was filling him in on the night before.

"--so then they brought them out to us and the, the lynx guy showed us the um, the marks on his... his back." Lizzie touched her back, making a slight swiping movement. "He said the wolf got him from behind when they tried to leave. His friend used a freeze spell on him to stop him but then the police were there and they all got... got um tased."

"I'll take it from here, Lizzie," Ryland said, gently patting her on the shoulder. She nodded quickly, adjusting her glasses nervously.

"Okay! I'll just... if you need anything, I'll be feeding the birds."

"Sure."

Lizzie waved at them and then awkwardly moved off toward the door that led out to the bird enclosure. Now that Ryland was alone with Alva, he watched him for a moment, worried that he did the worst possible thing. Maybe he should have contacted Aldon first. They were still best friends or something, right? Aldon could talk Rae into leaving, right? Although, flashing back to the way Rae told him to leave, maaaaybe not. Then again, Ryland wasn't close to Rae in any capacity so.

"He's this way," Ryland said as he led the way to the kennels, holding doors open along the way. "We tried to at least get him to come out of the cage but he's pretty much made himself at home in there."

Once they were at the door to the kennel, he made a face. "They're all going to start barking their heads off when we go in so..." He opened the door and just like clockwork, the dogs were barking and throwing themselves up against the gates so they could be noticed. Rae was toward the back, too, which made it even more unnerving.

"Hey," Ryland said, getting his keys out as he approached Rae's cage. "If you won't listen to me, maybe you'll listen to him."

Rae didn't even look up. He looked like a bad dog, even in human form.

The more he heard, the more anxious and worried Alva became. It sounded like a terrible fight and at a strip club no less. What was Rae doing at a strip club? Alva didn't want to know. Even though he felt some type of way about it, he didn't want to focus on those negative emotions. They weren't together. Rae could go to strip clubs if he wanted.

"Thanks Lizzie," he smiled wanly at her as she tripped away—literally, nearly banging into the wall on the way out. Alva leaned forward like he could catch her but she got to her feet, smiled uncertainly back at them and disappeared around the corner. Then it was just them, and the awkward silence that hung like ripe fruit. Alva sighed; he looked at Ryland as Ryland looked at him and all he could say was: "Thanks."

How they got to the kennels, Alva didn't know. All of a sudden they were there and the dogs were barking and straining for attention, and as much as Alva wanted to stop and pet each one of them, he had a job to do. The chaos outside had nothing on the chaos inside but he... was just here to coax some sense into Rae, nothing more and nothing less. Whatever history they had wasn't as important as getting Rae to a hospital and if he focused solely on the task, he might be able to get through this.

"Thanks, Ry." He squeezed Ryland's hand in passing, easing his chair around his cousin and up to the man-sized cage. Alva's heart did a summersault at the sight of Rae laying so dejectedly and so forlornly, like a... a sick dog. Wolf. A wolf with all the fight taken out of him, laying there waiting to expire. Lightly he touched his hand to the cage door, seeing his own fingers trembling almost without quite realizing that those were his fingers.

"...Rae? It's me."

There they went off again. Usually, Rae would have told them all to shut the fuck up but he was too tired to give a shit. Besides, they did it every goddamn time somebody came close to the kennels, like barking and flinging themselves at the gates were going to convince the humans to let them out. He was too tired to even roll his eyes at them.

And there he was, back again. Stupid Ryland Ren couldn't mind his own goddamn business. Kept coming in and checking in like he thought Rae was going to die on him. Did it really matter if he did? Rae thought it did; he wanted that lynx to tear out his throat. If he ended it that way, it would have been a lot cooler than bleeding out on the concrete floor of a goddamn animal shelter. Could there be a more pathetic way to die?

Ryland made some kind of statement that sounded vaguely like a threat--oh, he couldn't get him out of the cage? Now he had the big guns. Rae didn't believe it; what, did he find Josh somehow and drag him in? What a laugh. Or was he talking to Aldon now? Somehow, Alva didn't come to mind. It was like he'd been swept into the darkest corners, trapped beneath the cobwebs. Didn't matter; Rae still knew that voice when he heard it. How could he not? Five years... Five years was a long time to be with somebody and hear their voice in every pitch and tone it could possibly go.

Things couldn't get any worse, honestly. Josh seeing him this pathetic would have been bad, he admitted. But this was even worse. Fuck, he hated Ryland Ren. More than anybody else he ever knew. Who the fuck did he even think he was, going around calling up people like Alva and bringing them--dragging them back into his life? Maybe if he ignored him, he would just go away. Rae waited in silence but the dogs were still excited and when he finally did look up, Alva was still fucking there like a specter from the past.

Immediately, he had to puff out his chest and lift his chin like nothing was wrong. It was just instinct, an automatic response, especially since Alva was looking at him like that. Like he was something to be pitied. Rae hated pity. There was nothing about him that needed pitying. He was fine. Alive and scarred up but that was wolves. Never mind that was more a sign of a weak wolf because a good, strong wolf wasn't going to carry scars; they won fights, they didn't lose them.

What did he even say to him? Rae didn't have words left. Even his usual scathing (immature) taunts were dried up and shriveled away. Honestly, even as his body blustered itself into a show of strength, he felt bone tired. Seeing Alva just made every vein shiver like a whelp crawling into the curve of mama's warmth. Uncharacteristically, he looked away, gaze directing itself at the place where the cage wall met the gating. Like somehow he could squeeze his whole soul right through it and escape Alva's scrutiny.

"...guess you're the big guns." It should have pissed him off that somebody still had knowledge of his weaknesses and used them against him. Normally it would have but that readily heated core of anger that perpetually set off over even the smallest slights had been doused. Even Rae didn't know how to react without it. It was like an angry little nerve. One little brush set it off without permission from the rest of Rae. Now it was numb. Even when he tried to set it off himself, it didn't react.

How was it humanly possible to feel so many conflicting ways about one person? Alva was angry and still hurt and disappointed, but also saddened, anxious, concerned. He wanted to go and grab Rae by the shoulders and shake him and shake him until he shook some sense into him and at the same time, seeing Rae with those horrible wounds, with his arm broken, with his dejected body splayed carelessly on the cold concrete, made Alva want to gather him up and hold him and bring him back up from those low lows.

Alva wasn't the type to hold a grudge (for long) but he also couldn't let go of the injuries that those wolf claws had inflicted. Five years of faithfulness felt like a pointless, painful, fruitless labor. And it wouldn't even have been so bad if... if it wasn't Josh. If it was anyone but Josh, Alva might have had it in him to accept defeat and concede that maybe there was someone out there better for Rae.

Because loving someone the way that Alva loved Rae meant that he wanted the best for him. He wanted Rae to be happy, to be healthy, to aspire to more than everyone told him he could be. Rae wasn't a dumb wolf, not a mindless animal, wasn't a killer. That wasn't how Alva saw him but that was what Josh wanted him to be. Josh treated everyone that way, like toys that he could bat around when he was bored. Alva didn't want that for Rae and maybe deep down Rae didn't want that for himself. Alva wanted to believe that Rae was just blinded by Josh's facade, by the charisma of a dangerous beast. There was nothing beyond that gaping maw, though. There was only hurt and disappointment and pain.

He didn't know what to say afterwards so he stayed silent as Rae immediately tried to bluster and prop himself up, pretending as if he meant to be caught laying there. All part of the plan. Rae could never let himself be vulnerable. Weakness was unacceptable. He'd rather die fighting than be caught dead whimpering. Alva heard it all before. He was never fooled by that swagger, though. Somehow, he got past the barriers—Rae let him through—and he thought... that connection they forged might last.

"I'm not." Big guns? Alva? He was hardly that, with his crippled legs and his clumsy wheelchair that could barely fit between the cages stacked on either side. Alva watched Rae staring off at the corner of the cage like he was desperately seeking an avenue of escape. Was Alva in that camp now? The camp of people Rae didn't want to see at his lowest moments? When Alva was the one who used to prop up his wings so that he could soar?

Was he the enemy now?

Rae needs help. Alva wasn't called here to air out his grievances or to judge him or to do anything except get him to a hospital.

"Rae, I'm here to help. Please come out."

I just want to die. The world wouldn't let it happen, though. Death by battle, that was the best way to go. Fighting until the end. Rae didn't really think about what it meant if he didn't die fighting, if he was caught unawares, half dead with all the lights blown out. That was probably his worst trait: he just didn't think beforehand. Everything was always in hindsight. Why the fuck didn't he ever think before he leapt? What was he trying to accomplish?

Death. Last night. But what about before that? And before that? What was he trying to accomplish by throwing out his phone or going to the strip club? He could have turned his phone on silent. He could have never gone to the club. He could have ignored all the taunts and just... got on with his life. Other people could do it. Why couldn't he? Why was his fuse so goddamn short? And why was he so transparent that anybody could light it with a flick of a finger?

By now, his bad arm had gone as numb as that little spark. He couldn't move it at all. Maybe he should have been alarmed but he wasn't. He continued to stare at that little gap that he couldn't escape through while Alva denied being the big guns. Alva didn't think so but he was. Wasn't he? Rae slid his gaze back over to him, slowly, reluctantly.

Come out and then what? Get all healed up? They could fix the outside but they couldn't reach into the inside and make things better. They couldn't erase all the stupid mistakes or put the broken pieces of his heart all back together. Where did they even go? All those pieces, where did they belong anymore?

Alva looked good. He looked better than he had when it looked like he was on the verge of death and everybody was scrambling to help him. Something was going right for him, somewhere in his life. It almost didn't seem fair but then it did because Alva wasn't the one who did all the wrong things, despite what Rae's inferiority complex had him believe. There was a time when Rae trusted Alva. There was a time when he made Rae the best Rae he could ever be. And as much as he wanted so badly to push it all back on somebody else, anybody else, Rae sort of knew it. Hidden there in the cobwebs, knowledge of his own part in ruining his life and not wanting to admit to it.

Because that was weakness. Rae knew it for a long time but never wanted to admit to it: that he was weak. A strong wolf didn't need to bluster or put on a show. Real strength wasn't an act. It just was. Rae was not strong. He was never strong. That was his problem; and deep down, he knew it was true so he had to play it up, he had to let the anger spark up to take the place of actual strength. And for so long, he believed that it was. He played himself, lied to himself, believed in himself.

Everybody said that Alva was weak. But he survived something terrible and came out the other end still strong. It had nothing to do with having legs to walk with or whether he could punch a guy out with one hard fist or not.

Rae got to his feet, ignoring the unpleasant sensation of his head swimming and the floor wobbling beneath him. He walked to the gate that separated them.

"It's too late," Rae said. "You can't save me this time."

"I'm not here to save you Rae."

Alva shook his head slowly. He had to look all the way up at Rae, who was standing on his own two feet now and at the gate, gaunt and pale from loss of blood no doubt, beaten, bruised, abused. But still standing. Still trying to be strong when it was okay to be weak. It was always okay to ask for help and Alva fell over himself to offer all that he could.

He wanted to believe that they were stronger together. That when they were Rae-and-Alva, spoken in the same sentence as one, they were the best versions of themselves. He softened Rae's edges and Rae made him braver. The weaknesses that they each had canceled out. They were a team, fighting against all odds to stay together.

What was it all for, if not for each other? Why did they fight so hard against everyone? No one approved of their relationship in the beginning. Nobody gave them half a chance to make it past a week. Rae was too wild, they said; Alva was going to get hurt, if not purposely then inadvertently. Wolves weren't meant to be with foxes, they didn't mix.

For five years, Rae and Alva proved them wrong. They made it... only to crumble from within. It wasn't outside pressure that forced them apart but their own insecurities and fear. Dishonesty. Little white lies. Lying to each other, to themselves, to avoid the uncomfortable truths that they'd paved over in their haste to show that they were right and everyone else was wrong.

That wasn't a factor any more, though. They were already separated, it was all over and all Alva felt was emptiness. When he looked at Rae, he saw a reflection of himself, except Alva was fine on the outside, but that was all that was fine. Inside, he wasn't fine. His life was spinning out of control in such a way that he didn't know if he was even living his own life. Maybe he was living someone else's. Maybe he was a part of someone's nightmare and when they woke up, his torture would be all over.

Alva wheeled up to the cage, as close as he could get. He reached out to touch the cold metal of the cage, curling his fingers over the horizontal bars. "Come out, Rae."

"Then what are you here for?"

If not to save him, what brought Alva here, now? That inferior side of him thought it was to gloat and laugh at how far Rae had fallen without him. But he knew that wasn't true. There were too many clouds dusted out of his eyes now for him to even let the lies corrode the truths he knew all along. The ones he didn't want to admit to because they didn't align with his idea of what strength was, and who he was, as a person.

Turned out, Rae didn't even know himself all along. It took the events of last night for him to realize that this whole time, he was standing on his own the whole time. He thought he was surrounded by friends, by family but he wasn't and it was all his own doing. Somehow, he managed to push every single person that mattered away. Even Josh got shoved away but maybe Josh just never wanted to stick close anyway. Any excuse he had to find somebody else, he grabbed onto it. Rae thought it was just to rile him up but he was starting to see that maybe he was never as important to Josh as he thought that he was.

He misunderstood every single person he knew in his life. Including himself. What a riot. It was almost hysterically hilarious, if he could find a sense of humor again.

"Why?" He fought to keep standing, even though Alva split into two and then four and then back again. He pressed up against the cage, too. And even though he knew he didn't deserve it, he still moved his good hand over the chain links to the curled up fingers in the bars. Just to feel something other than concrete and metal. It was just his fingers over Alva's fingers. For some reason, it caused a swell of emotion to rise up in his tired, pockmarked soul. He was too tired to pull back, to shroud his emotions when his eyes misted over and his throat grew tight.

"Why?" he repeated but the weakness spilled over and just that one word, that one syllable cracked, the mist blurring his vision, the taste of salt dripping down to meet his upper lip. He was too tired and the tender nerve was numbed. Anger was nowhere to be found; his favorite emotion to hide everything else behind.

"I want to help you."

Alva wondered if he sounded as tired as he felt. Suddenly that was all he was. Tired. Exhausted. Every cell in his body was spent, he was crashing, emotionally drained. He was empty now, as though someone had come along and pulled the plug and everything that he'd been keeping bottled up inside suddenly found an outlet. Down the drain. Swirling, surging, spilling out of him as soon as Rae's hand touched his and he lifted his fingers so that Rae's could slide between them and intertwine.

Somebody said to him, once, that the person who felt the least had the most power in a relationship. The one who loved the most had the most to lose, and it was never going to be an equal relationship. There was no equality. There was the one who loved and the one who let themselves be loved. Alva didn't believe it at first, when they were strong and their emotions were blinding them to their own faults. Passion overrode everything. Desire clouded his judgment. When things were going right, it was hard to see all the things that went wrong.

Rae cheated and Alva set himself up for this fall. Set them up. He saw that now, more clearly than ever. It took two to argue, two to cause hurt. It was no one's fault and everyone's fault all at the same time.

So here they were. Why? Why what? Why was he here? Why did they end up this way? Why couldn't Alva just admit that he was human too, that he needed as much help as Rae, instead of trying to be... strong? They had that in common at least. Neither of them wanted to be weak but it was okay to be weak. It was always okay to lean on someone else when they weren't strong enough to stay on their feet.

He looked up at Rae, leaned against the cage door without any fight in him. So tired that he could barely stand, much less find it in him to stop the tears from falling. Old Rae would have gouged his own eyes out before he dared to let anyone see him being emotional. He would've bitten off his own tongue just to spite his own mouth. Was that the Rae that Alva fell in love with? No. Not that Rae.

This Rae.

It felt like his heart was breaking all over again and that... was new to Alva when he already thought that his heart was in pieces. He didn't think it could shatter any more, into even smaller pieces, the way it was doing at that moment.

Alva's eyes stung too and he couldn't breathe right. He tried to speak and the words wouldn't come out right. "I—" He breathed in deep, sniffled to clear his nose and let some air in to replace the stale air in his lungs. He ached so badly, not for himself and not because he felt sorry for himself, but because Rae was hurting, inside and out, so much that the hurt spilled over.

"I'm..." sorry. "My chair... it won't... it won't fit in the cage and... and you have to come out here because I c-can't go in there Rae." The words, like his emotions, flooded out crazily. His voice broke mid-way as he clung to the cage, to Rae's fingers. "Come out Rae." He wanted Rae to come out—not just out of the cage but out of himself, out of the shell that he hid behind.

But it was too late. Didn't he tell him that already? It was too late to fix Rae now. Something irreplaceable had broken last night, snapped like a twig underfoot and no amount of gluing it back together was going to make it the same ever again. Rae had an epiphany and it consumed him until there was nothing left now but this hollow shell.

If it weren't for those fingertips that touched his, he would have believed that he was still all alone, the ignorant lone wolf that thought he was some kind of leader all along. But time had been showing him how wrong he was, with every day it marched forward. He told Aldon once he was more the leading type and he meant it. Rae didn't normally concede to such things but...

Rae didn't think it was possible to hurt more but he hated that Alva was struggling. Once, he would have made sure that everybody knew it wasn't his fault that Alva was in pain. Now he felt like maybe all that had transpired was meant to lead Alva somewhere he could actually bloom. Rae was just holding on too tight, especially towards the end, when he knew that he was losing Alva. Or thought he was. As if holding tighter and choking him was the way to keep him. Now he knew more than ever that it was the last thing that could have kept him by his side.

If there was anything he hated more than seeing pity in Alva's eyes, it was the tears welled up in his eyes. It was the way he heard Alva's voice hitch as he tried to maintain some semblance of control over his emotions. Maybe they were both bad at it this whole time.

The fight in him having disappeared, Rae made no attempts at following up his instinctual attempts to show off his nonexistent strength this time. He only grasped Alva's hand for one long desperate moment before sliding his hand back out and opening the gate with a gentle creak. The world still swam before him, worse than ever as he stepped out. Nothing changed and yet it felt like he stepped from one dimension into a new one where he couldn't breathe, where his head hurt so much that he could barely think. Slowly, he reached out a shivering hand to touch Alva's temple. Only briefly, then he tore his hand away.

It wasn't all bad. Once, it had been good. Despite all the taunting, something in Rae wouldn't let Alva go. He should have let the spark throw Alva away in the beginning but he was so stubborn. Besides, nobody knew what it felt like to be with Alva. All the saw were the weaknesses, the ones that turned out to be strengths. Rae used to laugh genuinely in his presence. He used to be able to tell him anything. He used to listen to Alva, too. He used to actually think about somebody other than himself. They used to whisper silly nothings, they had inside jokes. They could look at one another with a certain Look and know they were thinking the same thing. All of it was gone, flitting away in the stormy winds that followed messy breakups.

There was no laughter left in them. No more secret smiles, no whispered secrets, no loving embraces with the lights off and all that they could see, hear, taste, feel was each other. There was no more Rae-and-Alva. Only Rae and Alva, face-to-face but separated by much more than a metal cage door. Alva didn't know if Rae would even come outside but he seemed to make up his mind after a long breathless moment. The cage door creaked rustily and Rae came stumbling out, looking more zombie-like than ever in the light.

Alva didn't even have a chance to lift a hand to touch his arm, the good one that rose, before Rae tore himself away. "No!" The word tore itself from Alva's throat. He grasped onto Rae's hand tightly, afraid that Rae would... bolt. Or do something equally foolish and hurt himself more.

"Rae, you need help," he pleaded, hanging on for dear life. What was Rae going to do? Drag Alva and his chair down the entire length of the kennels and then outside? Rae barely looked strong enough to keep himself on his own two feet. Alva drew closer, pulling himself up, both hands latched onto Rae's arm. He needed to help. That was all that sustained Alva these days, helping someone, doing something, anything, to keep himself stitched together. Having a purpose kept him from delving too deeply into his own sense of helplessness.

"You need to get to a hospital or... or at least let me take a look at your arm."

The sudden No! caused Rae's heart to leap into his throat. For a few seconds, adrenaline coursed through his tired body and he could actually feel the throbbing beat of his heart again. Why... why was Alva shouting that way? Grasping onto him like he thought Rae was about to sprint out of the kennel and... what? Run into the nearest lake? Jump off the closest bridge? Rae wasn't suicidal. At least... not as far as he thought of the term. Wanting to die in a fight was different than just giving up and letting himself put a gun to his lips.

I know, he almost said out of frustration. Alva kept saying that, that Rae needed help. He got it. He needed help. Although need was kind of a hard word for it. From the outside looking in, sure, that was what he needed. But Rae thought what he really needed was the End. Or maybe a hundred days of sleep before he could wake up out of hibernation, viewing the world anew with fresh eyes.

"Just take me," he said, his tone as bone weary as his body felt. Take him to the damned hospital, let them do what they had to do. Wake him up from this nightmare. Afterward, maybe he would be in a better place, a place where his eyes didn't burn and his throat didn't threaten to choke him.

It was easier to just go with it. Go with Alva, let him feel fulfilled, like he was doing the right thing. And then when he was alone again... He could allow himself to think about what really happened last night.

"Do you think it would be better?" he asked, "If I erased everything? If I forgot everything? Who would I be then?"

Just like that? Just take him?

Alva scarcely believed his ears. He still hung on to Rae, though, not fully trusting that if he let go, Rae wouldn't run away. Was it better or worse that Rae was acting like this? On the one hand it made him easier to deal with, but Alva was so accustomed to the one with the fighting spirit that he was, if possible, more alarmed than ever.

Maybe he was tired. Beaten. Maybe after a good night's sleep in a real bed, he'd bounce back. Alva took heart in the fact that Rae wasn't trying to push off his hand and started to lead him away from the cage and back into the office area. There had to be a room inside where they could wait for a taxi to arrive and take Rae to the hospital to be checked over. Alva pushed the wheel of his chair with one hand while the other one curled securely around Rae's good hand. It brought him some measure of comfort, too, simply holding on to him and having him there.

But it also hurt. Everything hurt.

Rae asked him a strange question and Alva didn't know how to answer it—mostly because with a stab of guilt, he realized that Rae might have been affected by Susumu's protective curse too. He looked away for a minute. "Maybe. If it made you... happy." Alva looked up again, searching his bruised, swollen face. Even that hurt, knowing that Rae thought he might be better off without any trace of Alva in his life.

Had they fallen so far?

"If it could make you happier to forget... us. If that's what you really want. Maybe."

It wouldn't make Alva happy though. It would only feel the way he felt under the curse—lost, empty, confused. Sad. A piece of him would always be missing because five years of his life and a very important part of him would be gone. The love that grew from a chance encounter would no longer be there and the loss of that special spark would be so much more devastating than paving over the inconvenient pothole of a break-up in the road of life.

Who would Rae be without Alva? Who would Alva be without Rae? Were the parts now more than the sum of the whole?

"I... wouldn't."

This was weird. Walking hand in hand, like they were even friends at this point. So much happened and so much time had come between them that Rae felt like he was in some kind of fever dream. Maybe he was; he lost a lot of blood and he didn't let anybody come near him. But somebody had; enough to hose him off, enough to give him that shot of whatever in the shoulder.

Happy.

Happy wasn't what Rae would describe himself. But he hadn't been happy in a long time. Long before they ever broke up. There was a reason that Rae became so attached to holding Alva close. There was something in him, ready to snap. Some people could really live with just a certain type of... sex life. Rae had done it for so, so long. But there was a weak point in his armor that nobody had been able to pull through until Josh. Rae lowered his gaze and nearly stumbled on a crumbled piece of concrete in the process. Shit. He felt so fucking weak and he still couldn't muster up the anger to snap about it.

Would he be happier without a memory of Alva, a single memory? It was hard to know. But it was true that having five years taken from him... that wouldn't make anybody happier. And it wasn't as if all their memories together were bad ones. There were just certain ones he wished he could erase. Every time he thought about them, they only brought him pain. He was sure Alva had the same kind of memories living in him, too. But the way Alva was talking, it seemed like he thought that Rae was asking for some kind of memory wipe, some kind of potion, magic, to make it all just go away. He set his jaw for a moment, then winced. His jaw didn't like that.

"...you wouldn't?" But there was some fuckery with memories before. Was it really better to hold onto the poison of the past or would it be easier to just let a chunk of time go? Wouldn't it always tickle the back of the mind? Human nature was to suss out what was missing; he was sure he would go looking for the lost time, without memory of why he'd lost it in the first place. Rae stared down at his bare feet, barely registering the chill of the concrete.

He didn't deserve Alva. Not even like this, like friends. Again, his veins seemed to shiver for him or maybe it was his heart and the rest of him was just reacting. He let the emotion choke him as he stayed silent, entering an office area with an old landline phone perched on a desk and that musty sort of smell of an old building. Rae slowly turned toward Alva, sinking into one of the chairs that dotted the room. His hand remained in Alva's, his good hand. The other one was useless, tucked tightly in the too-snug sweater.

"...sorry," he said, voice a ghost of a whisper in the quiet of the office. He was staring at Alva's hand but he made himself look up, briefly tightening his grip. "Sorry, Alva." Then he loosened his grip, moving his hand back. "You should just leave. I'll go. On my own, to the doctor's. But you shouldn't have come."

Alva shook his head. No. There wasn't a single area of his life that would be improved by erasing Rae. Not even the painful days that stretched into weeks when he had no idea what was happening to them. Watching their relationship slowly falling apart killed him on the inside. It deadened the joy, blotted out the light that always strove to shine through.

Even so, he wouldn't erase Rae because Rae was also the highlight of his life.

Meeting Rae and falling in love with him changed everything for Alva. Everything. Even if Alva would always remember the turbulent period in their lives, in time the pain might fade. In a few years, he might not feel the stabbing knives in his chest whenever he thought of Rae or saw something that reminded him of Rae. The negative emotions would go away but the positive ones would always stand out in his mind. Positivity didn't fade; happy memories didn't become any less happy with the advent of time.

He remained largely silent throughout their short journey into an old office, offering physical support for Rae when it looked like he might falter. Alva didn't let go. He held on even while he was gently pushing the door closed, while he pushed his chair over to a row of seats so that Rae could sink into one and Alva could realign himself to stay close.

Something really was different in Rae. Broken. People thought of being broken in a bad way but Alva didn't know. An apology? Rae was avoiding his searching gaze, looking uncomfortable and unhappy. Emotional. The tough-guy facade broke and a rare and vulnerable Rae was forced to show himself now. Alva's hand chased after his.

"I'm not leaving, dummy," he said as he grasped Rae's hand tightly. "I'm not leaving you alone." Alva lifted his other hand and gently smoothed back Rae's hair. He looked disheveled; blood stains were on him, in his matted hair and clotting around the wounds that those other shifters had inflicted. Rae really did it this time; he got tangled up with people he shouldn't have. Alva couldn't help but think that if Rae had been with him, this wouldn't have happened. Every time he ran out with Josh, he came back bloodied and bruised and hurt. That never happened with Alva; he didn't goad people into getting themselves killed.

"You shouldn't be alone." His fingertips drifted, tracing a line down Rae's temple, over his cheek and jaw. Alva's eyes were soft; he didn't smile but he wasn't frowning either. He was... sad. Down to the marrows of his bones, just sad. Above all, he was... "Sorry."

Sorry wasn't in his vocabulary. He was pretty sure he'd even said that at some point in his life, probably when he was younger and stupider, puffing out his chest and being so Cool. But it came out now, because he was too tired to play at some misguided sense of machismo. He was well beyond that. And he couldn't even talk about it with Alva or anybody else because... because he didn't know how to put it into words, what he felt, what broke last night, why it broke, why he couldn't seem to pull up all the pieces when he used to be able to, no problem.

And he couldn't talk about where the anger went because it was gone, like that little red core broke, shattered like a light bulb under too much pressure. How the anger sustained him, made up such a big part of his personality somehow. Without it, who was Reagan Ryang, anyway? Just... this. A whelp who lost his father, who had no place in his pack, whose friends had better things to think about, whose boyfriend(?) couldn't even say the words he needed to hear, whose ex was a last resort. The big guns, as he said himself. Rae wanted to rub his face; it burned, it itched. He wanted to lean forward and let the tight band around his chest go, to let the burn behind his eyes fall.

Fuck, his head ached so much.

He shook it--not hard--at Alva's refusal to leave, at the hands that held his steady and wouldn't let him retreat. Why? Why not just leave him alone? I'm not going to kill myself, he wanted to say. He would just... go. Let the doctors do what doctors do. Maybe some time in their facility would give him a better perspective. Maybe being alone would let the things in his mind turn over and maybe things would start mending themselves.

"Don't." His bad hand wanted to move up, to swipe at Alva, to stop his fingertips from trailing over his face like an old lover. It didn't move, not at all. Not even a little bit. Not even the fingers. That should have alarmed him. It didn't. Why? Why was Alva looking at him like that? Not so much pity just... something else. Now Rae did tear his gaze away, blinking away that irritating heat. He tried to scoff but it sounded more like the start of a strangled sob.

"You got nothing to be sorry about," he said roughly, blinking, blinking, blinking back the sting.

He just needed to say it. Sorry. To put them back on even footing because he knew that he wasn't blameless in all of this. When Rae tried to keep him close, Alva felt stifled. He was a fox, after all; he needed his freedom as much as the next shifter. Even humans needed their own space and they didn't have a whole other identity to them. Being clutched to someone's chest, being held in a vice-like grip, chafed him. Alva could have done better. Rae could have done better. It was too late to change the past but it was never too late to say sorry.

Alva's throat was closing at the sight of Rae struggling to hold back tears. Rae could barely speak now, eyes flickering rapidly to chase away the sting and the wetness behind his eyelids. Alva wanted to say something to soothe him, to make the hurt go away, but he didn't know what that was. Nothing. He couldn't make the pain go away when he caused it and that thought chipped away at his broken heart a little bit more.

"Rae..." Miserable and helpless, Alva leaned in and slipped his arms around Rae's shoulders. He hugged Rae close, tight, pressing his lips together until it hurt so that he wouldn't start crying too. His tears wouldn't help. The tears he already shed didn't help. Alva wasn't the crying type normally, not because he was ashamed but because he tried so hard to be optimistic. Just... this time, there wasn't much to be optimistic about.

But his shoulder was there for Rae to cry on, if he wanted it. If he needed it.

Alva certainly had nothing to be sorry about. Maybe he didn't think so but Rae definitely didn't see any reason for him to apologize. Even the bullshit with that magic witch guy, it turned out to be Rae who did the pushing. He was kind of an idiot, see, and at the time, all he saw was what he wanted to see. He was guilty so he wanted Alva to be guilty too. They could both be terrible people and that would somehow make what he did better.

Of course, it didn't. That wasn't how it worked; none of it worked that way. And the more Rae got angry, the more he tried to strangle Alva, like he was his to keep on a leash. Wolves weren't even like that with their mates. Rae was just... crazy. With something. Torn emotions, not knowing what he wanted, not knowing what he needed. Maybe he needed all of this, to go crazy, to start a fight he couldn't finish, to end up here.

But he wished it wasn't true, that he wasn't here, that he wasn't at the lowest low he'd ever been in his entire life. Fuck, even his father's death didn't tear him up to this point. Maybe it was a part of it, though. Maybe it was just one more little stone that got piled onto him until they all came rolling down and separating, breaking what Rae thought of himself, as himself, into so many little stones that no longer made up his identity. So what was left, he had to wonder.

Much as he tried, there was no stopping those ugly floodgates from opening once the arms were around him. It felt like just the thing he needed without knowing it; a hug. So simple a thing. A normal physical contact that normally meant little, that usually was some kind of perfunctory thing between family when they said goodbye for the night or whatever. But at the moment, it felt like the final straw. Rae, he couldn't stop it even if he tried.

He had no idea what he was even so utterly broken up about. Again, it was all the little things that scattered around him. Memories of good things that he no longer had, memories of shitty things that forced him into this corner in the first place. Floods of emotions that were gated so securely behind red-hot anger and irritation and the righteous need to feel constantly strong, on top, number one. The best. But for the moment, at least, he could admit to himself, if nobody else, that he was weak. His eyes shut tight, like he could close out the barrage of past thoughts and conversations, of arguments and jokes, of harsh words and soft eyes, love and hate and the weird grey area in between.

Time passed without acknowledgment. Rae couldn't tell if he had been sitting with Alva for five minutes or an hour but it felt like a whole, ragged lifetime. And in that time, he knew he said it again: sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry. For all the accusations and all the lies, for all the false bluster and the mistrust, for loving badly and hating blindly.

God, he was so tired. With everything purged, he felt emptier than ever, his head lying on Alva's shoulder, his eyes closing. He thought he would be fine if they never opened again, that was just how exhausted he was.

It was hard to listen to Rae cry.

It was hard to have known him at his best, at the peak of happiness, when he was proud and strong and brave and bold, and then to know him now at his lowest, broken apart and unable to keep it all together. Alva rocked him gently as he held him, stroking through his hair, silently offering all of the support that he could through the strength of his arms alone. No words could do justice to the way he felt, how regretful he was and how much he wished that he could take on even a fraction of Rae's pain, just to have him whole again.

It's okay, he repeated for every one of Rae's sorries, blinking through his own tears. It's okay, he whispered into Rae's ear as he held him, waiting for the tears to abate and for the sobs to slow and eventually taper down to a few soft sniffles. It was going to be okay. They weren't going to hurt this way forever. Alva knew that not everything could be solved through the power of positive thinking but he knew that he and Rae were stronger than this.

"It's going to be okay," he murmured one last time with Rae's head resting on his shoulder. He continued to stroke Rae's hair. Alva turned and pressed his lips lightly to the side of Rae's head and closed his eyes, too. Time had no meaning. The goings-on of the world around them didn't matter. The only person that mattered to Alva right now was Rae, and making sure that Rae was okay. If that meant sitting there and holding him in silence and letting him work his way through those turbulent emotions, then Alva was more than up to the task.

He couldn't help Rae come to terms with himself. Only Rae could do that. Alva could only offer him forgiveness but the rest was up to him, to find the strength that he needed to get back on his feet and carry on.

"This is so stupid," Rae snorted, reaching for the television remote so that he could turn off the television. It was playing some food network competition show and they tried to make the stakes seem more important than they were with crescendoes of music and some kind of weird sense of urgency. With the TV off, Rae tossed the remote out of Alva's reach (he hoped) and turned toward him in the bed.

"Why do you even watch this shit?" he asked as he shifted his weight and lowered his head to bury his face in the crook of Alva's shoulder and his neck. "You don't even get to taste it!"

Because that was how his mind worked. Food was for tasting. Not for watching.

Rae's eyes half opened, bleary and still burning from all the crying. Cringe. But even his inward, innate cringe was barely there, a residual emotion of some snake who shed that old skin.

[Josh] Frankly, Reagan, whether or not I love you doesn't change anything between us.
[Rae] Yeah it kinda does though.
[Josh] In what way?
[Rae] Because it changes things for me.
[Josh] What things?
[Rae] Like being together.

He closed his eyes again and he could smell Alva and a hint of rain. Rae turned his face inward, against the throat that he remembered kissing so many times. Nuzzling. Cuddling. Kissing a pretty jawline, kissing soft lips. Now he just breathed, as if his scent alone carried some kind of answer to the nothing-questions in his head. Tilting his head just so, he could place his lips right where the thrum of Alva's heart beat was most alive. And he almost did, except a door creaked open and he heard the girl from earlier stumbling over an apology.

"S-sorry! I thought you, you'd left already!"

What do you even see in him, Alva?

He could remember everyone and their dog's breakfast asking him that, from the beginning.

What did Alva see in Rae that others didn't? The first time someone asked him, Alva was taken aback. How could he describe all of the wonderful things about Rae that made him Rae? At first his response was predictably—everything. Everything about Rae, Alva loved it all. He explained away the rumors about Rae's temper and he told himself that he could help Rae. He didn't want to change Rae; he wanted to reform him.

Now, his definition had changed. He loved Rae because Rae needed to be loved. Rae needed someone to hold out their arms and claim him, press him to their chest and tell him that things were going to work out even if the situation was so terrible, so bleak, that it seemed as if nothing would ever be okay ever again. He needed someone to give him hope, above all else, if not as a lover then at least as a friend. They didn't need to be in a relationship for Alva to be there for him; his support wasn't contingent on them being lovers.

Alva felt Rae shifting against him but he didn't move. Silence now, except for the muffled babble of voices and the blurred figures of people walking to and fro. Alva's heart beat expectantly to ghosts of memories. Lips on his throat, and the soft laugh that he felt through them. Words whispered only to him, that made his entire body flush. He held so still that he almost stopped breathing, anticipating, wondering if Rae would... if he was going to...

And then the door sprang open and Lizzie's startled face was right there. Alva jerked but not away—just up, to look at the sudden intruder. "It's okay," he repeated, though obviously not in the same tone with which he'd whispered it into Rae's ear. "We're waiting for a taxi to come and take him to a hospital. Can we... stay here for a little while longer?"

"O-oh! Yeah sure, um. I'll just. I'll let the others know. You know, that this room is occupied." She pushed her glasses up higher along the bridge of her nose and gave them a nervous smile. "S-sorry about. Um. You know. I'll just—I'll... yeah." And then the door closed and it was just them again.

Shit.

Reality snapped Rae back into the moment. The girl was stumbling over her words yet again and Rae expected irritation to rile him up but it still wasn't there. He was still too tired, he told himself. He was just exhausted, mentally and physically, from the night before--the argument, the fight, the feelings he couldn't handle on his own anymore. Being able to hand off some of that onto somebody else... it did surprisingly lift some of the weight. Maybe he didn't feel much of anything but at least he did feel lighter.

He waited for the girl to leave before he reached up and swiped at his face with his good hand. Although he still felt that strange greyness, there was also the tiniest hint of amusement as the door closed securely behind the nosy girl.

"You'd think she walked in on something else, the way she's acting."

Never mind that if she hadn't walked in on them, he might have done something completely and stupidly inappropriate. Maybe it was a good thing. Rae didn't even know where he stood anymore, relationship-wise. He hadn't stalked Alva to know where he was, either. Swallowing hard, he finally moved back, into his own chair, so that he wasn't leaning into Alva anymore. I'm sorry, he almost said again. It was as if the words, never spoken before, had been loosed into his vocabulary for the rest of time.

For a moment, he watched Alva. Really studied him. Not just the way he looked but the kindness in his dark eyes and the expression on his face. Good thing his arm wasn't working or he might have lifted it up and used it. His best arm, too. Right arm. The one that he would have use to reach out. The one he used to write, to eat. For the first time since the fight, he wondered if it was going to be okay. But there was no real anxiety because Alva was still here and he said it would be okay. Whatever ended up happening next... It would be okay.

"...I'm glad you're here." Even though he told him he should leave, that he could do it on his own. Maybe... just maybe... it wasn't so bad to just let somebody else take the lead for once.

Alva struggled to laugh at Rae's comment but all that came out was a soft exhale. He did smile, briefly, but it faded when Rae pulled away from him to sit fully in his own seat. With some reluctance, Alva tipped back into his wheelchair too, muddled and torn between the disappointment of being walked in on and the relief of the same. He had no right to want anything to happen. It was inappropriate and he knew that the twist in his gut was nothing but guilt.

Silent as Rae studied him, Alva searched his face again, wondering what he was looking for. Did he find the answer in Alva's face? He didn't even know what sort of expression he had on. Neutral, maybe. Tired. But fond, too. His hand crept forward and took Rae's, although this time he wasn't holding Rae in place. He was holding it because he wanted to, because Rae's hand was warm and familiar.

"I'm... glad you're glad I'm here." A weak little joke—ha-ha. His fingertips encountered calloused palms and bruised, split knuckles. They traced the one knuckle that never grew back right after a particularly rowdy night (Alva not in attendance at the time, naturally). Rae's hand was rough; he fought a lot and it showed. It was a wonder that he wasn't dead by now, with how recklessly he threw his body around.

"I wanted to be here." Nobody could make Alva do anything he didn't want to. The moment Ryland contacted him, he knew that he had to be here and he was so glad that he was. The doubt nagging at him when he'd entered the shelter was all but gone. Alva wasn't regretting his decision to come down and see Rae. He tried smiling again to bring up the mood in the room a little bit. Rae looked exhausted still but Alva sensed that he was better. The release of so many emotions was draining but at the same time, it could be freeing too.

"You can count on me, Rae. I'm here for you... You know that, right?"

"Yeah," he said roughly. He knew. Deep down, he was pretty sure that he always knew, even when everything else around him and inside him said otherwise. Paranoia ran deep, there was a desperation that set in because of fear--the fear of losing what he had, what he cherished most, what he wanted to keep near. Like a mad dog, he growled and puffed up at any sign of losing that, at any threat that came into his space. Not really treating what he cherished as if he cherished it, but more and more as if it was his and his alone.

"I wish I could say the same."

That Alva could count on him. But when it came down to it, what did Rae ever really accomplish for Alva? All that paranoia and fear translated directly to anger, to irritation. He was snapping at everyone and everything, even the people he went crawling to for help. Alva... did he eventually get all the help that he needed? Rae glanced downward, at Alva's hand, the one that held his, then moved his gaze up a little higher, to his arm. Did the mark still exist? Did it stop? Did it expand? Rae didn't know. He was kicked out by then. He only heard snippets of information here and there.

"I... wanted him to look at me. I wanted him to turn around and see me. Look at me."

He hesitated, his gaze far away, seeing that moment all over again but in harsh, crystal cold reality, with an entire night of lying on the concrete to think about it, to view it over and over and over again, obsessed with getting it right. That was when he realized it. Laying there. Pitying himself. Wanting to die and doing nothing about it. That was when he realized--

"I'm weak, Alva." His gaze moved to meet his, hand tightening, like he thought the confession was enough to make Alva recoil. Because Rae worked pretty hard at being Strong. Cool. Tough. His brothers were effortless at it. His father was the living embodiment of it. But what... was Rae? What was Rae but a sniveling little weakling that blustered up all of his strength in chest puffs and sneers and snotty remarks? What was Rae but an inferior creature, vying for attention in a family that maintained that cool aloofness without ever trying? Rae fought where he should have turned a cool eye. He fought, all the time. Wasn't he so tough? That he could throw a punch, that he could kick somebody to the ground, spit in their face, and laugh. How strong he was. How cool. How tough.

"I've been weak... all along." And he leaned slightly forward as he said it, still half expecting disgust to cross Alva's face. Or that Alva would refute it, because Alva was too nice and he couldn't stand to see people expose the worst in themselves without countering it, without offering some argument for why they were better than they were. Alva just had that in him, that was what drew a wretch like Rae to him. Alva wasn't all tough and macho and Rae got laughed at for it. What a loser. And he got into fights to show he wasn't, to say he made a choice and he was... strangely proud of his choice. Alva turned the wretch's head and somehow kept it. Even the taunting and the shit talk and the words bandied about didn't stop him. Not because he wanted to be rebellious. Because Rae wasn't that. Not really. What he was doing, when he fought, was trying to fit in, to show he was still strong enough to have the friends he had, to keep the name Ryang, to be all those adjectives he thought so highly of. It would have made sense if he stayed with Alva just to rebel but Rae never really did things that made sense.

He stayed because he liked it. He liked being around this different sort of energy. Alva was mischievous. He was playful. He wasn't walking or running but he somehow maintained a kind of strength in him, that radiated from his core. Somebody broke his body forever and he was still resilient from the inside. All he ever saw in anybody were the good things. Rae didn't pretend to understand it, but he liked it. Negativity was all around him. And if it was negative, it was tense. There was always a kind of tension in the air with the wolves, because they were ready for a fight, not to show off, but to defend what was theirs. Their land. Their family.

Alva wasn't tense, though. Everything was just sort of... lighter with him. He made things light. His heart was light, Rae's. When he was with him. At the beginning, anyway. Before he started to feel like the world was closing in around them, like he had something to prove, to defend, to hold onto. Why he felt it was slipping from his hands, he didn't know. He just felt it and he reacted. He was always that way, reactionary. When did Rae ever do something first? He didn't. Everything was a reaction to the world around him.

And last night was no different. He reacted badly to their conversation, because in his head, he saw it going wildly differently. Tried to back out when it didn't. Got himself forced into a corner. Reaction. Reaction. Reaction. All leading up to the stupid strip club, where he kept picturing it over and over in his head. He didn't know, really, if Josh even saw him, if he even knew he was ever there. His phone, fucked up, didn't send shit. For all Josh knew, he never showed. And maybe that was how Josh wanted it. He seemed like he fit in there, in places like the club. Nothing ever seemed to faze him, like a bored prince waiting for something to happen.

"I could have just walked over," he said, gaze back at the scene again, far away, into the previous night. "Kissed him. Told him what to do. What was gonna happen next."

Josh might have looked at him then. That was what a strong individual would have done. Strode in, acting like he owned the place, walked through people like they weren't even there, found his target, and done what he wanted. Strength. A deep and real belief that what he was doing was exactly what he should be doing, that he really believed in it. But Rae was weak and he didn't back up his thoughts with the right actions. Instead, he started an unnecessary fight because he wanted him to turn his head. Look at how cool he was. He could best this asshole in a fight. Look at me.

But Josh wasn't looking at him. He was looking at some stripper. Not even like he wanted him. Just... looking. Passing the time. Until what, Rae didn't know. Maybe until Rae showed up to break up the boredom. Josh was always like that, though. Too cool for anybody else. Rae was always trying to impress him, always failing. When they were friends, it annoyed him. When they were lovers, it infuriated him. He just couldn't seem to make himself matter to Josh but maybe that was just how it was with him. Maybe nobody mattered. It never hurt so much to realize something in his life. Even when he fucked up with Alva, at least he knew that some part of Alva still cared, would probably always care. Rae knew that because Rae was the one who fucked up. But Josh... Josh was somewhere else. Beyond anywhere Rae could actually touch. With him in his life, without him, it never mattered. Josh could just keep going on and Rae was alone in that moment, like he had never been.

"But see, I was weak. I just wanted him to look at me. But not just look at me, like some stripper on some stage, you know, some passing fancy or whatever. He looks through people, Alva. Even me. It's like I could be anyone and it wouldn't matter... you know?" His attention was back on Alva, not the past, not the night before. Alva, who was still here, even when Rae was pitying himself, when he was the lowest, most wretched creature on the planet. Somehow, he never looked at Rae with disdain... disgust... Maybe pity but... Rae kind of made himself a target for that one.

"You mattered... matter... to me. I see you." And you see me. That was a connection. A bond. Even if they weren't lovers, Rae no longer saw those five whole years as time wasted or time he couldn't get back. They saw each other, in all ways, every way. And somehow, Alva was still here. There was nothing pointless in that. There could never be anything pointless in that because Alva touched his life and Rae touched Alva's. He saw that--now. Because he was here. He had no obligations to him but he still came, to make sure he didn't do something stupid and Rae-like. He was still trying, for some reason, to protect Rae from himself. Like Rae tried to do for Alva, too. He failed at it, he saw that too clearly. But... at least he tried.

"Is it gone?" he finally asked, searching his gaze for an answer, even if Alva tried to hide it. "The thing. The magic thing. The curse. Is it gone?"

They never did see things the same way, Rae and Alva. For Alva, the glass was half-full. When the sun rose, it wasn't annoying as the rays seeped in through the slats of the blinds, forcing them out of their dreams; it was the start of a new day, the turning of a new leaf, a chance to do something good, something right. He saw the world in colors, bright and joyous and uplifting, the glory of every shade of the rainbow. He found those silver linings in the darkest storm clouds.

It didn't come easy, though. He had to work hard at his positive attitude, to bring light to the darkness. So much of Alva's life had gone wrong even before he turned ten years old. Loss and grief marked every waking moment of his reality, stamped into his very soul. Some days it was harder than others to keep that smile on his face, to keep those positive words at the forefront of his thoughts. Some days Alva didn't know if the world was really as bright as he made it out to be, or if he was merely perpetuating some kind of delusional lie to himself to prop up his own belief that things would be okay if he just waited long enough, trusting that karma or whatever balancing forces existed in the universe would bring about the good to temper the bad.

Who was he otherwise? Who would he be, what would he believe in, if he didn't believe in hope?

But Rae, he was different and... he was also the same. Alva saw a darkness in him that he felt he could speak to, recognizing the pain of wanting so badly to belong. What child wanted to be crippled? What little kid didn't want to be able to run and jump and swim and play with complete abandon? Sidelined in his wheelchair, all Alva could do was watch and wish that he was just like everyone else. That he could effortlessly stand on his own two feet, that his life could be just the same as everyone else's. He wanted acceptance, the acknowledgment of his peers. He wanted to be looked at and recognized as himself, not merely as "the kid in the wheelchair."

Alva saw that almost immediately in Rae. The kind of pain that kept him angry, growling, barely restrained, a wolf in a civilized man's body clawing to get out and to let the world know that he was here. Look at me. See me. Accept me. Their lives ran along divergent paths but met there, at the intersection of their insecurities. Maybe that was why Alva felt so strongly for him. Maybe he saw his own pain in Rae and that brought them closer together, made it easier for Alva to find all of the good in Rae when others saw only the bad—same way that Rae seemed to find all of the ways that Alva was abled, when others only noticed his disabilities.

He let Rae speak uninterrupted, taking in his words, his tone, the obvious pain in every line of his face. At first Alva didn't know who 'he' was but that was made clear soon enough. Josh. He ought to have known that it would be Josh. Rae wasn't much for the strip clubs, or even clubbing in general. Rae was more in touch with nature; he liked swinging off of tree branches, diving into lakes, running barefoot through the woods just to feel the pine needles underneath his heels. He was invigorated by the scent of loam, of the rain, basked in sunshine that soaked right down to the bone. Artificial lights and synthetic surroundings weren't to his tastes.

They were to Josh's. Even from their always-tense, brief interactions, Alva had a good grasp of Josh's character. He was careful not to voice them often, careful not to step on toes, but he knew what Josh was. Selfish. Self-centered. The type of person who felt shallowly, whose being was consumed by an overwhelming sense of self. He was narcissistic, cruel and sadistic. His joy came not from within but from the pain that he could inflict on others, only to turn with an easy crooked smile to say that it was all a game. He didn't understand feelings because he couldn't feel organically and strongly the way that others were capable of.

But he was handsome. Beguiling. Strong. There was strength in madness, too. Strength in confidence. Strength in the belief of his own superiority that made others doubt their own, and therefore become easier to manipulate.

Alva wasn't disgusted or offended by Rae's confession. He didn't pull away. He didn't even move, really; even his hand stilled, covering Rae's, holding it securely but not tightly. He was there, he listened, mulled over the heartfelt words, digested them and took them in. Everything that happened, happened the way he thought it would. The way he knew it would when Rae came to his house and tried to lie his way through the evening, hoping that Alva wouldn't smell Josh on him or know that he had been with another man. Alva saw his heartbreak then and he wished that he didn't have to sit here now to witness it in person.

He wished that Josh knew how to love, that he could have learned to love Rae the way that Rae loved him. He wished that Josh could have found it in him to care just a little for anyone other than himself. But that wasn't Josh. He didn't see people. He saw things. Toys. Not hearts that beat, minds filled with hopes and dreams, but good times and bodies to warm his bed for a night. It wouldn't have mattered if Rae started a fight or if he walked up and demanded to be noticed. Josh didn't notice anyone but his own reflection.

Alva didn't say anything. Rae already knew. He cried because he knew. His eyes were filled with sadness because he realized what he was to Josh, what he had lost. There was no need for Alva to repeat the obvious or to try and hammer home the point. He simply kept his hand in Rae's, sat with him, let him pour out his thoughts to crystallize them into fact. At least it wasn't too late. Rae was different now; he had matured, at least enough to put aside the rage that so often blinded him to the truth. Alva took heart in that. Rae was changing for the better, and that was a good thing even if the road taken was bumpy and filled with pitfalls.

"...it's all better now." Alva smiled, though his heart was filled with a sadness and a heaviness like never before. Sometimes, the cruelest lies had to be told in kindness.

"The mark is gone. Everything's okay. You don't have to worry about me anymore."

It felt good to get it all off his chest for once. He didn't even know he was holding onto so much until last night. Rae wasn't exactly known for being smart and he didn't often take time to reflect on himself. There wasn't really so much of a "why" switch in his brain as there was that knee-jerk reaction to anger. Who knew that it took some shitty night at a club to finally break him of the habit? Part of him wished he could have fixed himself a long time ago. That he could have admitted to all this shit back when it still mattered, when Alva was still his... or, to put it better, beside him. Part of him.

No, no. He was still part of him. It was just... different now. Still, he couldn't help thinking that he really fucked it up big time. But Alva was still there, whether Rae deserved it or not. He wished... he wished he could have been there for Alva in the same way. Alva went through a lot, too. He knew that, now. But before, Rae was nursing his own hurts and couldn't see past all the red in his eyes. Now it seemed too clear, so clear that it hurt even more knowing that he was so blind to it before.

For a tense moment, he waited for Alva's response, afraid to hear it but knowing that he had to. He half expected Alva to show him that it was still there, without words. But he didn't. He said it was fixed. Rae let out a breath he didn't even realize he was holding, relief flooding every vein. Maybe, then, it was all worth it in the end. Rae wasn't the right fix but somebody else was. It hurt to know that--there was a slight jab in the heart at that knowledge--but at least somebody out there did right by Alva. For the first time since Alva arrived, Rae smiled.

"That's good!" He didn't know what else to say, so he repeated it, not fully understanding why Alva's smile didn't quite seem to reach his eyes. He assumed it had more to do with Rae's sadness rubbing off on him than any kind of secret. Alva wouldn't lie straight to his face. He wasn't Rae. (Thank the fucking gods for that.)

"But I'm still going to worry. Dumb ass." That last part just sorta... He was almost sheepish as he added, "Bad habit. But I guess that's the real curse, right?"

Dumb ass. Alva cracked a smile and then a little laugh at that. Leave it to Rae to say something beautiful and then punctuate it with a curse. And Alva wouldn't have him any other way, not for all the money in the world.

"I'd be mad if you didn't worry at least a little bit," he teased, as some of the leaden weight eased off of his chest—and some of that mischievous, humorous fox-like nature returned. It was easier to smile when Rae smiled. Easier to swallow his own troubles at the sight of Rae unburdening himself of so much pain that had been bottled up and held inside. Without Alva, he probably didn't have anyone to talk to. Not really talk, not to bare his feelings and let himself be emotional and raw and in need.

Aldon was a sympathetic ear but he lacked the words to soothe. He meant well, everyone knew that, but sometimes he said the wrong thing or inadvertently blurted out something hurtful. Josh? Alva didn't even have to think about why Josh wasn't a good person to confess to. It used to be Alva that Rae came to, laying together somewhere—bed, couch, at the shores of pebble lake, on top of that flat rock on Lookout Point—with their hands together, words flowing freely without fear of judgement. Somehow they bared themselves to each other and then let the channels of open communication close. After that, all hell broke loose.

At least they were getting back to some kind of normalcy now. Alva squeezed Rae's hand. There was no curse, not as far as he was concerned. "Everything happens for a reason," he said slowly, believing it to be true. Really, truly believing it. Even bad things brought with them a measure of good.

"I should check on that taxi... Aldon said you could stay at his place for a bit after you get out of the hospital." They still had to get Rae to a doctor, to see to the broken arm and other various injuries. Alva looked him over with a worried but practiced eye. "I... didn't tell your parents or brothers about this. I hope that's okay."

He laughed, too. It felt good just to get it all off, the weight that had been compounding on his shoulders and chest for... who knew how long now. It was nice, too, to see Alva smiling and laughing. It lightened his heart that little bit more to know that everything was okay, that it would be okay. Maybe he felt stupid for feeling so low before but also maybe Alva had a point. Everything happened for a reason. Rae never believed that before but he could see it now, why Alva might believe it. Why it might be true.

"Yeah. Yeah, maybe so."

If the shitty shit didn't happen, then Rae would still be fighting, right? And he certainly didn't feel like fighting now. He was too exhausted in every form but he felt as if something had turned on a light bulb in his head. Like the anger wasn't blocking out every single other thing in his life anymore. He wasn't so blind anymore, hitting at every target that so much as looked at him wrong. Only time would tell if that would stick but deep inside, Rae felt fundamentally changed.

Rae made a face. "I'm glad you didn't tell them. They have enough shit to deal with right now." They didn't need a mopey Rae on top of it all. And fuck, if it weren't for whomever stopped the fight and arrested them all, it could have been even worse. Not death but the whole... wolf thing. He wondered now how much information got out about that fight. What they blamed it on in the local news, what the patrons at the club saw.

Eh. It didn't matter to him. Somebody fixed it, that was what mattered.

"And don't look at me like that. I've been in worse fights, right? But I think that fucking lynx dislocated my arm. It doesn't even wanna move."

"I hope it's just dislocated and not broken..." Alva leaned forward again to inspect Rae's right arm, though he didn't touch it. No blood there; the arm was only limply hanging by Rae's side, in his too-small sweater. Hopefully a doctor could set him right, whether it was dislocated or broken. If it was broken, it looked like a clean break which would heal quickly—more so because of Rae's feral condition. Wolves like him just seemed to be so much... hardier, for lack of a better word.

"Hey... hey it's okay. I'm on your side. I'm... one of you."

Cautiously, Alva eased the chair forward. It slid over a dry branch and caused it to crack alarmingly, sending one or two birds from nearby treetops into the air in fright. Alva stopped, head on a swivel as he listened for footsteps or voices. Nothing. Yet.

The large wolf caught in the trap was snarling, growling, snapping at anything that came close to its mouth. Alva was half-afraid to get close to it but he sensed that this was another shifter and if he didn't get it out soon, the hunters might return. It was purely by chance that he even came out here in the first place, having heard that there was a warren of rabbits in need of help relocating to a safer area.

Instead of rabbits, he found a gray-black wolf, larger than any other wolf Alva had ever seen. Nervously he started forward again, not making sudden movements in order to seem unthreatening. "I'm here to help. It's okay. I promise... everything's going to be okay, but you have to work with me. The hunters might come back soon, so please. Let me help you."

"Do you need me to do anything? Get you some clothes or... anything?" Rae probably wanted his phone, wherever that was. Not on him, not if he came here as a wolf. Alva fussed a little bit around him, smoothing down the lumpy, bunched-up sweater to sit better on him so that it wouldn't be as uncomfortable. Didn't look like Rae dressed with any degree of care earlier—understandable given the circumstances.

"And... what about... him?" He avoided looking at Rae momentarily while still fussing with his sweater.

"Heh, yeah." Rae knew it was broken, though. The crack he heard audibly during the brawl told him that much. But he didn't need to freak Alva out. The doctors would know what to do with him when they saw him. And it was true; as a wolf, he healed rather quickly. So he wasn't too worried. Whatever damage had been done could still be fixed. It wasn't too late.

"Ye--no." Rae recalled that all of his clothing was with Josh and the last thing he wanted to do was send Alva into his snapping claws. Josh had never been a fan of Alva from day one. Didn't matter that without him, Rae probably would have been dead or tortured by hunters. He looked down at his hand-me-down clothes--shit he never normally would have been caught dead in.

"If you have a bigger sweater though..." This one was uncomfortable, too tight and probably not doing his arm any favors. Rae shifted in his seat slightly, trying to make himself more comfortable, then froze as Alva brought up him. Him. Rae's breath caught in his throat and although he tried valiantly to appear as if the question had no effect on him, he knew it crossed his expression. Rae watched Alva fuss with his sweater, the question still hanging in the air, Alva not looking at him, Rae's heart skipping a sickening beat.

Who? he wanted to ask but he was stupid... not that stupid. He knew who Alva meant. Who else could he mean? But what was he asking about him for? What about him? Was Alva asking if he should notify him? Let him know what was happening? Rae shrugged with his good side.

"What about him?" he asked in a tight tone. "I don't... He doesn't need to know."

Asking about Josh made things awkward but not asking about him didn't feel right because... they were together. Rae and Josh, in some sense of the word, had a relationship together. If this were Susumu, Alva would want to know. He supposed that Josh was a different beast altogether but even so, he deserved to know what happened to Rae, that Rae was hurt and needed someone to be with him when Alva was gone.

Because Alva wasn't with Rae now. He couldn't hover by his side constantly, helping him with his clothes, worrying about his health, if he ate properly, that he was getting enough rest and not straining his arm too much. It wasn't his place; he might do all of those things from a distance but things were different now. His place was with Susumu, and helping him with the whole big ball of mess that involved things Alva would rather Rae not know about.

He saw how much it affected Rae, though. It was written on his face, in the sudden tightening of his jaw and the tension in his voice. Alva stopped messing with the sweater but his hand remained, lightly touching Rae's side. There was so much that he wanted to say and so much that he couldn't say. Now wasn't the time. Their relationship was still fragile and they were both still too broken to have that conversation. Rae looked like he could drop at any second; did he need added emotional trauma?

"Okay." He pulled back and away, completely this time. "I'll go with you to the hospital and check you in, and bring you some clothes... Then I... I guess I'll leave you with Aldon. He'll look after you. And you still have my number, so... if you need me..."

Even if Alva tried to talk to Josh, it would probably end with Alva getting hurt (physically or emotional, either way, Rae still felt a sense of protection regarding Alva). There was no point, anyway. If Josh wanted to know what happened, he would have figured it out by now. Or maybe not. Rae hadn't seen him after the brawl started, didn't even know if Josh was aware that he had been at the club at all. Probably not. He was too absorbed in his stripper. It stung, thinking that while Rae was desperately attempting to get his attention, Josh blissfully fucked off with some stripper, unaware and probably not giving much of a fuck.

He wondered why he thought Josh somehow thought of him as any differently than anybody else in his life. Rae had seen the people that Josh tore through, as friends he saw things he didn't like but it was just in Josh's nature. Never in a thousand years did Rae think he'd end up in the same position. He could be dumb but even he wasn't that dumb... or so he thought.

"Yeah... okay." Somehow, he felt disappointed as Alva moved away and started talking business. Plans. Aldon. Leave him with Aldon and... then wash his hands of him. You know that's not what he means. He wondered if Josh was the reason Alva was pulling away now. Would it have made Alva feel any better if Rae begged him to call up Josh and tell him everything? No, that was absurd. The subject of Josh was still a sore one, for both of them right now and Rae didn't think he could handle thinking any more about Josh.

Truth be told, he was afraid of what would happen if somebody did reach out to Josh and Josh didn't answer. Just... ignored him. Rae already felt more fragile than he had ever felt in a lifetime. He didn't think he could handle Josh's outright refusal to see him, to ignore him, or even to have him show up, only to sneer at him. Inside, a cold little hole formed in the pit of his stomach. No, he would rather leave Josh out of this. It was... just nothing but a mess. A mistake to let him in.

"...thank you," he said. He sensed that he was losing Alva now and he didn't know how to get him back. Alva was all business now. Maybe he was remembering his own... boyfriend(?) since Josh had been brought up. Maybe his boyfriend wouldn't like this; Alva being with Rae right now.

"But you know you can call me, too, right? I... wouldn't mind hearing from you."

Well... Alva wouldn't have called Josh personally. He was no masochist. Josh was Trouble with a capital T to anyone who came into contact with him and after the bloody battle between Susumu and Josh, it was to everyone's best interests to stay far, far, far away from one another. If none of them ever crossed paths again, it would be too soon!

Alva smiled despite the awkwardness that being thanked by Rae made him feel. He was so formal now, while Alva was all business, focusing on what he had come here to do—get Rae to go to a hospital and get him patched up. It was less of a fight than he'd anticipated... but much more emotional than he bargained for. Alva didn't come to cry but he also thought that Rae would want nothing to do with him. Luckily, that wasn't the case. Small victories... small victories.

"Of course. I'm going to be calling you every hour to make sure you're not out brawling!" He joked but already knew that his hand would be on his phone every hour, bringing up Rae's contact information... even if he didn't press dial. Alva even looked at his phone now, as though he might have deleted Rae's number somehow and needed to have it locked in. Not that he didn't already have the number memorized...

"Um. When you're all better, let's. Do something together. ...if you want to, I mean."

Alva missed their friendship, too. He missed having Rae to talk to because Rae brought in a new perspective. Rae was funny; he had a wicked sense of humor that Alva liked. They used to hike along the easier trails around town, go to the park and mess around, go down to the lake and skip pebbles. They used to spend so much time together that when Rae suddenly disappeared, he left a huge, gaping hole in Alva's life.

(Omg so awkward lmaooo)

"Heh... I'm gonna hold you to--"

Rae went to rummage in his pockets for his phone, but found that he couldn't find it. Right. Wrong pants. These weren't his and he'd shifted... But before that... Rae went pale for a moment, recalling the heated moment in which he'd thrown his phone in anger and ended up fucking it up. And then he'd just tossed it away... Rae made a face and turned away from Alva. Yeah, he was embarrassed but he had confessed to far worse than fucking up his phone over a conversation not going his way.

"Ah, about that..."

He trailed off, realizing that while he was mini-panicking, Alva had said something. Oh. Oh, he said he wanted to do something when he was better. Rae blinked, a little surprised. Okay, he was shocked, actually. Was Alva... asking him out? Maybe he wasn't with the witch anymore. Did he want to give it another go? Hope sprung up in his chest and he smiled bigger than he had any right to.

Slipping his hand over Alva's, he spoke without even trying to rein in the eagerness in his tone, "O-of course! Anything. Anything you want. I'll even watch all the food shows you want."

Alva was startled at the way that Rae reacted to his invitation but it didn't quite hit him how the words sounded. In his mind, he was asking Rae to do things together as friends. He thought maybe it wasn't too late to repair their fractured bond, and perhaps if they took it slow this time, they could forge an even stronger connection than before. Whatever happened after that... well, he would deal with it then.

Thinking that Rae was simply happy to reconnect, Alva turned his hand and held on to Rae's. For a long moment, he sat there and looked at Rae's spreading smile and his own lips curved in response. It was nice. To be together and not fight, not constantly have to wonder if he could trust Rae, if Rae was hiding something. It was a relief to have the Rae that he knew and loved back, even in this diminished capacity.

It was nice to know that Rae could still smile after everything that had happened.

"I... wouldn't do that to you," He laughed softly, recalling Rae's numerous... voluble... emphatic objections to all the shows that Alva liked. Rae thought that food was for eating, not watching. Alva thought that he could cook and wanted to learn how to cook better, except that his dishes didn't turn out the way they did on television. ...maybe that was why Rae kept telling him to watch something else—anything else.

"They opened up a new trail near Pebble Lake. I wondered if you wanted to check it out with me." Susumu wouldn't mind if they went as friends, would he? Alva had to take a pause there, imagining Susumu's response to that if he told him. Well, Alva wasn't anyone's trophy or pet—he could go explore a new trail if nothing untoward happened. Surely Susumu would understand how important it was for Alva to reconnect with Rae. Innocently. As friends. Rae helped to shape Alva into the person that he was today and Alva wanted him in his life, for better or for worse. He was sure that he could get Susumu to see things his way if he took the time to explain everything clearly.

It was like the old days. Holding hands. Smiling. Rae felt young again, like he did when the butterflies exploded during their first kiss, when things were light and gold, when they joked about stupid things and reached for one another any chance they got. There was something to be said about loving somebody. Being loved. They were the best feelings in the world. And now Rae could not stop smiling--that empty grey area filling up with something like hope and wonder and yes, even happiness--despite everything else that led to the moment.

"So you say," he said, "but you have!" Although now he recalled the food shows in a different light. Something that Alva liked couldn't be so bad, even if Rae did still think that food was for eating. (And Rae maybe didn't appreciate that Alva tried some of those dishes to wildly different results than the ones on TV!)

Content enough to wait for the taxi now with Alva's hand in his, Rae relaxed and even yawned. He had a feeling when he got to the doctor's, he was going to end up sleeping through most of their procedures.

"There's a new trail?" he asked wistfully. He hadn't really been on the trails after the whole thing with Alva imploded in his face. But he liked the idea; the outdoors had always been something they both enjoyed. Hiking around, eating picnics midway through, warming their bodies in the sun, surrounded by trees and the trickle of streams, the chirps of birds. The crunch of pine needles, the scent of the earth... Rae could close his eyes and just be there.

"As soon as I'm out, let's go," he declared, then leaned forward as if he thought Alva would tell him no. "The doctor will say otherwise but shit, you know nothing is more healing than being out there! And it's just a broken arm. They'll stick it in a sling and I'll be good to go!"

Hey, this wasn't a court to try Alva for crimes against the culinary world! He liked cooking shows and it wasn't a crime! (Yet...) Shaking his head in denial—he'd never tied Rae down and taped his eyes open for a ten-hour Spring Baking Championship marathon, had he?!—he remained committed to his passion for cooking shows. And in order to improve, he had to watch the masters. Even the kids who went on some of those shows to flex their culinary muscles. (But maybe that said something about Alva's skill level too......)

"Yup! New trail. Everybody says it's easy to walk on, too, so I think I'll be able to keep up." Wheelchairs didn't do so well on rough, bumpy trails and Rae was naturally quite athletic, so the easier walking ones didn't offer much stimulation. But they compromised, as they did in so many other areas of life. They accommodated Alva's disability and the upside was that if Rae wanted to streak through the woods as a wild wolf, well... Alva could hold his clothes!

Being surrounded by nature was a way to bring together the two warring identities of human and fox for Alva. It melded the human with the animal. It healed the fracture between them, putting one in touch with the other. Not being feral himself, Alva didn't know what it was like to be ferocious and to lose control of his human emotions but sometimes that fox consciousness did demand the lion's share of the decision-making.

But. He did open his mouth to say no, when Rae seemed to already read his mind. Wasn't it funny how they could still do that, even after all that fighting? Alva shook his head again and put out a hand, placing it over Rae's mouth to stop him from talking. "No," he said anyway, even if Rae expected it. "We're going after you get well. I don't mean the arm, but you can't go with all those horrible injuries. No arguing." No way Rae was going out there to hurt himself again! Alva was adamant about that!

"We'll definitely go together, though. I promise. So you'd better focus real hard on getting better, so we can get out there faster, okay?" Alva's phone buzzed and he glanced down to see that the taxi was nearly there. Good. The sooner Rae got to a doctor, the better—and the faster they could get him all patched up and on the road to true recovery again.

Didn't matter if it was an easy trail or not, Rae was ready to get out there. He was tired of the bright lights of clubs and the loud music. He preferred the subtlety of nature. Nothing in the world could beat that feeling of walking through nature, especially this time of year in Oregon. The trees were all turning color, the air was growing cooler, and there was a sense of calm that was hard to come by in Hazleton proper. But the woods... The woods were freeing. He wanted to go out there now, but he knew he couldn't, even if he demanded it.

Not to mention, Alva was just as stubborn as always. Rae's lips turned downward as Alva bid to silence him with his hand. Of course Alva said no, but he would see! When Rae got out, he would be ready. It wasn't as if he'd be out tonight. Probably not even tomorrow. He wasn't so dumb that he didn't realize how thrashed he'd been in that fight. But he did feel at least some satisfaction that he got as good as he gave. At the same time, he also felt slightly guilty for involving so many people in a fight that had nothing at all to do with any of them. Shit.

"Promise you won't go without me," he said, softer then intended, half afraid that Alva was just tricking him to get him into the hospital. He looked down, too, at Alva's phone and it sparked the memory of his own phone yet again. Part of him wanted to know who was on the phone--wanted to ask about Susumu but that didn't make sense. Alva was all clear of the mark and he asked Rae on a date. It couldn't be him so there was no reason to be even a little jealous.

"About my phone..."

"I quadruple promise," Alva smiled as he lowered his hand and confirmed the pick-up location and time on the app on his phone. Not long now—the taxi was maybe five minutes away. He pocketed his phone afterwards and glanced up at Rae's slightly guilty expression. He looked like a little boy with his hand caught just coming out of the cookie jar, fist clutching a stolen goodie.

His phone? Did he feel sheepish about asking Alva to go and find it? Alva would have done it even if he didn't ask. "What about your phone? I'll go and retrace your steps, I can probably find it. They might have it at the lost-and-found at the... the club." Strip club. Alva didn't want to say the words; he didn't like the idea of Rae being there with all of those half-naked men. Insecurity being what it was and all...

"Hey we should head outside. The taxi's almost here." They could talk while they walked. Besides, Alva had to find Ryland too and let him know that they were leaving. And to thank him for poking his nose where it didn't belong because without Ryland, none of this would have happened. Alva couldn't help but think fondly of his cousin. He didn't think he had ever loved Ryland more than he did that very second.

"No--"

But before he could explain, Alva was talking about heading out to wait for the taxi. Right. But his phone wouldn't be at the club and he didn't want Alva to go to the club. Yet they were getting up and heading out the door and before Rae could explain--again, he was interrupted by Alva's cousin butting in. He took one look at Rae and then at Alva and he seemed... Rae didn't know the word for it. Maybe he was just relieved that somebody was able to drag the wretched wolf from the shelter cage. Either way, he came over to Alva to embrace him.

"Thanks," he heard Ryland whisper to Alva as he did. "You're some kind of miracle worker."

Then he straightened up and smiled but it seemed a little strained, like he was having issues of his own to work out. Probably related to all the others that had come in because of Rae. Ouch. He then turned toward Rae and pointed his phone at him--phone!--and added, "Don't go too far. Nobody's pressing charges on you or anything but you might be needed for some questioning."

Rae made a face. Always with the stupid law enforcement crap. As a werewolf, he generally felt above those laws but he side-glanced over at Alva and kept his arguments to himself. "I'll be around," he mumbled.

"Good!" Ryland looked stiff again, like there was something he had to say but he wasn't saying it. Rae quirked a brow but all Ryland had left to say was, "Oh, and Aldon's fine with you staying with him when you get out of the hospital."

"Yeah... I got that." He edged closer to Alva's chair, nudging it toward the doorway. "I think that's the taxi..."

"No, thank you!" Alva murmured to Ryland, giving him a swift but grateful hug. Even though he could see that Ryland was... less-than-fond of Rae, thankfully he remained civil. And perturbed. Alva could see it all over his face and in his stiff posture. One didn't grow up with someone, practically exist as brothers, without knowing one another inside and out, and Alva knew when something was up.

Clearly, Ryland wasn't going to spill his guts in front of Rae, so Alva made a note to ask him later. Maybe when they were in the taxi, which he heard honking just as Rae nudged him meaningfully. Alva smiled at Ryland one more time, feeling bubbly and happier than he ought to have been under present circumstances—taking someone to the hospital—and wheeled himself on out.

Luckily they sent a taxi that could accommodate Alva's chair, so it was a matter of getting himself up the ramp and securing his chair. He waited until Rae had gotten settled, told the driver where to take them—the only hospital in town—and reached over for Rae's hand again. Absently, Alva brushed a thumb over the back of Rae's hand.

"I'm sure they won't press charges." He texted busily with his free hand but his mind felt as if it was being tugged in ten different directions. Get Rae's phone from the strip club. Make sure Ryland was okay. Reassure Rae that he wasn't going to jail. (Yikes.) Make sure Susumu was okay with Rae being back in the picture.

And... look into the new mark on his upper arm that thankfully Rae hadn't seen.

"Yeah, probably not," Rae said, momentarily distracted by the tender brush of a thumb over the back of his hand. Alva was right. Those guys weren't raring for a fight the way Rae was. They even gave him an out, turned away, went to leave it alone. Rae was the one who pursued them. But then, that might be reason for them to press charges. Not that it would accomplish anything except putting Rae behind bars for a while, maybe put on probation or something. There wasn't any money to be had, if that was what they were looking for and they probably knew that.

After a moment, Rae rested his head against Alva's shoulder, watching him text with one hand. Rae was shitty at texting with two hands. How the hell did Alva do it? He wasn't really even being nosy, he just happened to see part of the text and it seemed to be between Alva and his cousin. Rae only got a glimpse but he spied the name Aldon amongst the jumble of words. His tired and bleary eyes barely wanted to track properly, let alone focus.

"Are those two still fighting? Aren't they normally back together again by now?"

"My fingers hurt," Alva complained in a whisper to Rae as he tried to talk his cousin down from what seemed like an inevitable breakdown. He never knew how bad things got for Ry. Maybe it was because he was preoccupied with his own troubles, or maybe Ryland hid it well, but Alva had no idea that he was still so troubled and so hurt.

Well, no. He knew that Ryland still hurt. A love like that, Ryland wouldn't get over it within the week or the month or maybe even the year. Alva turned his head as Rae's fell against his shoulder and his expression softened. Yeah. A love that ran so deep that it formed a part of one's identity, that wasn't something easily gotten over or forgotten. Gently, Alva eased his arm around Rae so that he could rest more comfortably. (Or as comfortably as he could, stretched over a seat and part of a wheelchair.)

"Hush. Don't make fun, they're hurting too. Just like—" Alva trailed off. His heart gave an uncomfortable, hard thud in his chest. Just like us, he wanted to say, as if... he and Rae were also a couple working through their feelings like Ryland and Aldon.

What am I doing?

Was he or wasn't he in a relationship with another man? Why was he sitting there with his arm around Rae, with his head resting against Rae's? It may have felt natural and right and familiar but why? Alva wasn't the cheating type. And yet this made him feel guilty; this was emotional cheating if there ever was such a thing. He chided Ryland for leading Aldon on but how uncanny was it that Ryland's accusation that Alva did the same rang so true? They were so... so much alike!

...Rae's hurt though. He needs someone to care about him right now.

Who else was going to do this for Rae, if not Alva? Aldon? Josh? Rae's brothers? He wouldn't open himself up to them, not like this. He might be tempted to bluster again, or to show them that he wasn't as badly hurt as he was. He wouldn't be comfortable, Alva knew that. Right now, Rae was comfortable and seemed comforted.

It's just for this car ride, he assured himself. Just for now, while Rae's defences were down. Alva wasn't a cheater. He wasn't kissing Rae or being intimate with him in any physical way. There was one hug earlier and that was it. Alva held Rae a little closer and a little more protectively as the taxi trundled its way through town, headed towards the hospital where Alva would have to drop Rae off and be on his way.

Aldon. Aldon had definitely become the brunt of many jokes over the years because of his inability to keep his man. They were always on again, off again. Rae could tell when it was an off-again type of day because there was a sense of dejectedness in the way Aldon carried himself. Like a kicked puppy, most called it. Aldon was good at the kicked puppy look and Ryland seemed to like it, since it tended to work on him. The rest of them, though, they were all getting a little tired of the back and forth. Rae told him all the time to just fucking tell him like it was. Never mind that it was machismo creeping through. It was sound advice! Tell the fox like it was!

Easier said than done for some people, though. Rae, he might have been a weak whelp disguised as a wannabe cool guy but he made no qualms about telling Alva how he felt. All right, he was nervous as hell the first time he said it but he knew it was how he felt and needed Alva to know, too. If he didn't feel the same... Well, let's just say he already played those scenarios in his head a long time ago. Way back, five years ago, six years ago now? They hadn't been together for so long that he forgot that he was no longer counting the years together with Alva.

"Us?" Rae said, finishing the sentence for Alva. He didn't know why Alva didn't finish it. Afraid of setting Rae off? Reminding him that there was still wounds between them? They never explicitly said they were getting back together but Rae thought they were going on a date so... that meant something, didn't it? That they were mending things... Maybe. Rae wasn't sure if that was what he wanted or not. To go on a date-date, so soon after having his heart utterly crushed... more than once now. It was just a hike, though. They would take it slow. No need to rush.

This was nice, though. Being close. Being comforted. Rae didn't want it to end, although he knew that it would have to once they got to the hospital. Rae would have to be checked in, they would need to do all their diagnostics or whatever. X-rays, blood tests, whatever. (Although if they took more blood from him, he was probably going to pass out.) Rae gently strummed his fingertips against Alva's palm.

"I never meant to hurt you. I got so jealous... it made me fucking crazy and I don't know... well, no. I know why. Even though you said there was nothing going on, and I should've believed you, he just... he looked at you the way I looked at you when we first met. Like... wonder and admiration, shit like that. And the weakness in me only saw all the strengths in him, it was like an ant going up against a lion. What's a guy like me have against a guy like that? He could give you the whole world and I got dirt to my name."

"Us," Alva acceded softly, letting Rae finish his sentence for him. Rae knew what he meant; his thoughts ran along the same course that Alva's did, once again. Yes, they were hurting. Everyone was hurting, really. Ryland hurt, Aldon hurt, Rae hurt and Alva hurt. Yoojin was doing well, though. That was a little ray of sunshine to break through the stormy relationships going on around them. Susumu was doing... all right. He was anxious and worried these days, stressed out because of what had happened with the new mark.

It made Alva wonder if he was repeating old mistakes. Seeing someone only for the good and brushing over the bad landed him here. Putting a veil over the things that he didn't like because he was always over-eager to see the best in everyone didn't work out so well in the end. Susumu's memory curse on him was a well-meaning gesture... Or was it an indication of a deeper problem, a willingness to do what he thought was best for Alva without consulting Alva himself? Was it being over-protective or being insecure? Was it disrespectful to take away Alva's liberties and freedom of choice or was he only doing what he thought was 'the right thing?"

Alva frowned at his phone as the messages came, back and forth between himself and Ryland. Each one opened Ryland's eyes a little but they also opened Alva's. The truth was an uncomfortable and inconvenient thing. Inescapable facts couldn't be coated in sugar and swallowed so easily. He wondered... He wondered if he had been foolish after all, or if Rae had a point when he first brought up those talking points about Susumu being a stranger, an unknown.

Rae was also talking, and it took Alva a minute to catch up. His brows lifted in surprise. Rae had a lot to say, it seemed—some very poignant things and some very deep, introspective things about himself and his mindset back when they were fighting. Alva turned to him, having never realized how deeply his inferiority complex ran. He always knew that Rae thought he had something to prove, but...

"If I thought that, I wouldn't have stayed with you all those years, Rae." Rae knew that now, didn't he? That he never had to be rich or suave or dress in expensive clothes to impress Alva? What on Earth made him think that he needed to suddenly compete with Susumu, when Alva was not and had never been the materialistic type?

Because he saw the way that Susumu looked at Alva. He saw another man looking at his lover, capturing his lover's attention, a new and intriguing, handsome stranger who swept in and tried to sweep Alva off his feet. He was scared. And Alva did nothing to comfort him or to ease his fears. If anything, sneaking around behind Rae's back only made those fears materialize. No wonder Rae went off his rocker. No wonder he grew more and more erratic, gave in to his fears and to the dark thoughts spiralling out of control.

"...I never looked at him the way I looked at you, Rae," he said softly, as he caressed the back of Rae's hand again. "He was just... different. But I never even thought about cheating on you. I never thought of him as my boyfriend. He... he does love me. And he's been working so hard—worked so hard to make that mark go away. He's not a bad man, Rae. I wish I could have convinced you of that without acting like a stupid teenager sneaking out of the house at night. I'm sorry I acted the way that I did. I shouldn't have tried to hide my friendship with him from you."

The word hurt was what made him say it. Everybody was hurt by somebody else, somebody that loved them or somebody they loved. It seemed to go with the territory. Love... it could be a poison to some, but it didn't always hurt. Rae wasn't burying his face in the lie of it. Love wasn't always pain, even if sometimes there was a component of pain to it. When Rae started falling like a fool, he had stars in his eyes then. Alva could do no wrong and that was fine by him. He wanted to see the world the way Alva did and being with him made it so much easier.

Alva brought out so many of his better qualities. And he brought out a lot of bad ones too, over time, but that wasn't really on Alva. That was on Rae... now that he finally saw it, of course. Back then... hell, last night... Rae just wanted to make everybody else take the blame for all the ways that he felt. The truth of the matter was, he was giving himself all those lashes, every time he covered up his real feelings with something else and let the red-hot anger take over.

"...I know." Now. Now he knew but then, back then, when it was new guy versus Rae... Any smart person would want the upgrade. That was how Rae saw it. He had too much grit, blood under his fingertips from holding too tight, emotional bruises, that deep, deeply ingrained weakness that told him he wasn't good enough... and it was staring him in the face, like a challenge.

"He loves you," he echoed. "Do you... love him?"

The question hit too close to home and it hurt. Alva didn't think there was even a right answer to that and as the seconds ticked by without a response, he grew more and more unsure. What did it say about him that he couldn't answer Rae right away? What did it mean that he hesitated as he stared numbly down at the phone in his lap, trying to work through all of his conflicting feelings in 2.4 seconds?

"...we are... together," he confessed at last, and didn't dare to even look at Rae for fear of the judgement that he would see. The hurt. Again, hurt. Hurting Rae with not lies, but omissions of the truth. Hurting him by repeating his past mistakes because apparently while Rae grew up, Alva didn't. Maybe somebody needed to beat some sense into him instead of Rae.

Shame-faced, Alva dropped his head. "I'm sorry," he whispered. His voice trembled nearly as much as his heart. "I should have said something earlier, but it... I was... afraid I'd push you away again, just when we'd... I'm sorry Rae."

What did it say about the state of his relationship with Susumu... that he felt ashamed of it?

...Odd silence. Awkward silence. Tense silence. Rae tilted his head up.

Fuck.

Together. Not the question Rae even asked but it still came as a sudden blow, enough that his heart seemed to clench and stop. Together? They really did... Rae really had a right to worry--! His head spun, not helped at all by blood loss. Anger--just the tiniest spark--but it died as quickly as it came and all Rae was left with was a deeply hollowed out feeling in his gut. In his heart. Not a date, then. He thought it almost hysterically, as if there was reason to laugh and laugh until he started crying again.

Which he staunchly did not want to do. Swallowing hard, he sat up, not quite so comforted by Alva's presence anymore. The hurt in him wanted him to withdraw, to take his hand away, to move as far from the offender as he could. But he was still so exhausted and... he got it, really. Alva and Rae weren't a thing for so long. Alva had every right to find somebody new... even if it was somebody he knew Rae hated. Or at least mistrusted. And it wasn't as if Rae had chosen finely, either. He even cheated. Actually cheated, when Alva just... hid a friendship, apparently.

"Why be sorry?" He hated that his voice came out so toneless when he was trying to be more understanding. But he couldn't seem to work any emotions in his voice at all. It was like he wasn't even doing the talking, he felt so far removed from himself, from the situation.

"Rae. Rae please."

He was losing Rae. Alva leaned closer towards him as he pulled away, as if their very physical proximity alone disgusted him. An ugly desperation welled up inside of Alva—a desperation to explain, to justify his relationship and his choices even though he knew that he owed Rae nothing. He didn't owe anyone anything, really. This was his life, wasn't it?

But the tonelessness with which Rae spoke was another dagger to the heart. Alva's mind raced to furnish an explanation that would make everything better. He knew how it looked, how Rae must think that his fears weren't unfounded at all, and that... well, Alva lied. There was no dancing around that fact, Alva never came clean about his relationship with Susumu.

"It only happened after we broke up," he said, hating the way that he was even trying to explain it all away. But he couldn't help it. The heart wanted what it wanted, just as he said to Ryland. "I was-was lonely and all of a sudden you were gone and..." And Susumu was there to pick up the pieces and to pick him up from the ground. No matter what he did afterwards, during that difficult period of Alva's life, Susumu was there for him.

Alva would always be grateful to him for that. But... maybe he was confusing gratefulness and hero-worship for love. Feelings did begin to blossom for Susumu over time, though, who was kind and patient and knew just the right thing to say at any given moment. Susumu seemed perfect, but Alva didn't know if he needed perfect in his life. He needed... a purpose. Someone he could grow with and grow into.

He tugged on Rae's good hand lightly, pleadingly. "I'm sorry, Rae. I should have told you earlier. I'm sorry."

Why should Alva be sorry? Why was he pleading with Rae like that? It didn't... it didn't make sense. Rae didn't even deserve it. If anybody should be begging anybody for anything, it should be Rae. He was the one who jumped to conclusions because of a Look the guy gave Rae. He was the one who cheated and then lied about it. He was the one who used anger as a defense mechanism. Why he didn't see it all before, he didn't know.

But another part of him was still hung up on the witch guy, thinking that he was vindicated in thinking there was something going on the whole time. But no... Alva wouldn't lie to him. He wouldn't lie. Even now, he was trying to explain it, that it happened afterward. And why shouldn't Alva be lonely? Rae was lonely too. They turned to other people, people that were already there. Rae picked at the seating. Not the best people but people that were there.

Slowly, he looked down at the hand on his, coming back to himself, as if he had really just ghosted on himself for a long moment. The hands anchored him, their hands. But Rae... he hated that tone in Alva's voice. It was wrong. It felt wrong. The whole thing felt wrong. His fingers curled inward and he looked out the window. Still grey, still drizzly. What a day, matching the mood or making it worse, he didn't know which. Definitely a downer. He wished he was looking at a bright morning sun instead. He wished they weren't in a car, trying to hold onto pieces of a broken relationship. If he could go back, he would go back. All the way back, to when he was still happy. When Alva was still happy.

"Don't. Stop apologizing." His voice sounded harsher than he tended, although the tone was more directed at himself than at Alva. When he looked at him, his gaze softened. "I'm just... It's just hard to process. But it's..." Okay. Fine. It wasn't, though. He'd be a damn liar if he said so. He lowered his head, then let it fall back against the seat behind him. "We're okay."

He should have known that things wouldn't be so simple. Alva flinched a little at the sudden rise in Rae's voice, and sank back into his chair. His hands twisted into pretzels in his lap as he alternately looked at and away from Rae at the rain-flecked windows of the taxi. Hazleton wasn't a big town; it didn't take long to get from point A to point B.

Although he wanted to apologize again, Alva kept quiet. Eventually he stopped looking at Rae and focused entirely on the window, the scenery outside flashing by in a blur. Everybody wanted to be okay and everybody said that they were okay, but no one was. He felt the pangs of guilt with each passing second that they sat awkwardly in the taxi until it began to slow down and the driver was telling them that they had arrived.

"Do you still want me to go with you?" Alva was busy unhooking the seat belt, and then he was busy watching the driver opening the back door so that he could get himself out. Then he was busy. too busy to look at Rae, with paying the driver and then... he was sitting there in the rain busily watching the taxi drive away.

"Yes."

He didn't think Alva was going to, but he did. Still, the silence was tense again and Rae couldn't figure out why. He said they were okay, didn't he? Did Alva not hear him? Did he think he meant something else? That he and somebody else were okay? Hah... if he thought he meant him and Josh... Even thinking his name made Rae wince. He had no idea where Josh even was, if he saw the fight, if he cared even if he did see it. Probably not, or he would have been there. His heart continued to drop as he got out of the car, not especially happy that it was starting to full on rain on them.

Ducking under the awning in front of the hospital, he started toward the entrance to find that Alva wasn't alongside him. Rae stopped and turned around. Why was he just sitting there in the rain, watching the car drive off? Frowning, Rae came back, using his good hand to pull the chair with him. The last thing they needed to do was stand/sit out in the rain and make everything that much worse with a cold.

"Alva..."

He didn't know what to even say anymore. They were... okay. They were just... okay. It sucked but it was how it was. They were... whatever they were. Too important not to be in each others' lives. Not together but something. Friends, maybe. It sounded weird, to think of Alva as a friend but it could be worse. They could be ghosts to each other. They could be enemies. At least they weren't that. Besides, he was terrified that if he didn't say the right thing now, Alva was going to end up disappearing again on him and he wouldn't see him again, half dead or not.

Rae turned the chair toward him and leaned in, not caring that rain dripped from his unkempt hair. His one good arm propped him up, the other uselessly hanging there.

"I need you. Okay? Stay with me."

Alva wasn't sitting there moping and feeling sorry for himself--only sorry for the situation that they were in. He stared at the taxi through the rain as his thoughts meandered and wandered away. What was he doing? He was being stupid. He was getting carried away because it had been so long since he'd even seen Rae, much less spoken to him or touched him. He missed Rae. There wasn't a day that passed by that Alva didn't think of him because--yes, okay, in all truth he wasn't over Rae.

How could he be? Things ended when Alva wasn't ready for them to end.

Then they found other people, and well-meaning friends kept telling him that they saw Rae and Josh around town, kept updating him on the whereabouts and goings on as though they expected him to even want to know. There was never any closure there, no way to move on despite the fact that he rebounded immediately with Susumu.

He was jolted out of his own thoughts by a hand on the chair, as it wheeled around suddenly. Alva started, put out a hand to guide the chair forward without Rae having to use so much energy to move it. "Sor--" he began, shut his mouth almost immediately. "Thank you. I'll... I got it." 

Under the awning, he felt more like himself and less like a husk. Just the act of moving and doing things brought him back, but Rae... Needed him. Said it out loud, in words, with his own two lips. Needed him. Alva came here to help Rae. Because he was so convinced that Rae needed him.

"...yes. I'm here." He put a hand only briefly onto Rae's forearm and gave it a squeeze. "I'll be here for as long as you need me." Yes. He was here to help Rae, not to indulge in wallowing in his own mistakes. Alva slicked back his hair--he didn't dare touch Rae's now--and looked beyond him into the hospital reception area.

"Come on Rae. Let's get you checked in. And... thank you." For being there for Alva in that moment, when he needed someone to guide him back.

Alva felt so far away, like even though he was right there, he was somewhere else. Some place that Rae couldn't reach. He didn't know where Alva went, if he was thinking about them or if he was thinking about the witch. Did it matter, though? Rae couldn't read his mind and maybe he didn't really want to.

And there Alva went, saying things Rae didn't deserve. As long as he needed him. What if that was a lifetime? Could he be that greedy? To hold onto Alva forever, even when they were with different people? Would it help them move on or would it hinder them? Did they want to move on? Rae could only answer for himself; he didn't really know where Alva was. It sounded a lot like it mattered, though, what Rae thought. Felt. Alva stumbled over himself with apologies and pleas... Rae should have been happy. It should have given him a sense of power.

It didn't.

"For what?" Why was Alva always saying the shit that Rae should be saying? Apologizing and thanking, those were things Rae ought to have been doing. If anybody here should be, it wasn't Alva. Alva, who showed up to help Rae in a dark moment of his life. Now it felt like Alva was slipping away from him. Did he regret it? Coming here? Seeing him? All Rae wanted was that moment of comfort back again, when they were both smiling and they were talking about going out to the trail together. He wanted that back. Not this... this hell. Where they talked as if they barely knew one another, where everything was stiff, awkward.

"Alva," he started but somebody was coming out to greet them, clearly disturbed by the pair waiting outside the entrance and obviously in some need of aid. Questions were launched at them, who was the patient, what happened, blah, blah, blah. Rae was swept away into the normal hospital procedures. It turned out he really did need Alva because there was no way his useless hand was writing anything down on their paperwork.

After an exhausting whirlwind of tests and x-rays, Rae finally found himself alone with Alva again. And it was hard. Time had stretched into eternity and Rae kept thinking back to when they were really okay and then to when it felt like it wasn't anymore. Rae was silent, listening to the hospital sounds outside the room. And then:

"You never answered the question."

"Just..." He couldn't say what he thanked Rae for. He was simply thankful that Rae was here and that he trusted Alva, listened to him, let him lead him out of the shelter and into a taxi. He was thankful that Rae let him in and didn't shut him out and let Alva comfort him instead of pushing him away. Alva was thankful for the fact that Rae seemed to have changed so much for the better. He was grateful that Rae listened to his true inner voice--the voice of reason--instead of giving in to anger.

Before either of them could say or do anything, they were shown in and nurses were crowding. Forms had to be filled out--Alva slightly blanked at the question of his relationship to 'the patient' and half-wildly scribbled down 'friend'--and then Rae was taken away to be looked over by the next available doctor. They saw the blood and gashes on him, especially the ones on his head, and were alarmed, as they should have been.

Alva dealt with the paperwork as best as he could, robotically listened to nurses who walked him through Procedures and then was shown into a room to wait for Rae to come out of Testing and Examination. He sat on the chair next to the empty bed to wait and rubbed a hand over his face, feeling haggard and... old. Sad. As if the confession of being in a relationship spelled the death of anything that might spark again between himself and Rae.

He gave thought again to Rae's response when he brought up Josh. Rae seemed defeated and didn't want to talk about it but Alva still didn't know what they were. To Rae it seemed that they were serious and that was in keeping with what Alva knew about him. Rae was the settling down type, surprising to everyone who didn't know him. That meant he was serious about Josh and Alva long suspected that there were unacknowledged feelings between them.

Now, though? What about now? Was Rae over Josh? Or was he still mired in hurt, which was a reflection of the feelings he still harbored for him?

Alva couldn't answer those questions alone, though. He had to wait for Rae, who was brought in some time later, looking slightly better but covered in bandages and with his arm in a cast. They went through another slew of Explanations before they were left alone and Rae brought up his question of... hours ago. Days ago maybe--it felt like days, anyway. Even after all this time, Alva still didn't really know.

"Just..." he began again, same as last time, looking at the plain white sheets stretched over the narrow hospital bed. "I guess... for... being here. For being you again. For... letting me be me."

Huh?

Rae blinked, realizing that his question had been far too open for Alva to understand what he meant. There was a different question, one that Rae asked far earlier, one that Alva never properly answered. He already understood the why of Alva thanking him. It took some thought as he was run through tests and hooked up to saline drips and all that. But he thought he understood that part. Still, he remained silent as Alva explained himself. Then he struggled to sit up, crossing his legs in the hospital bed as he turned to face Alva.

A slight laugh. "That's not what I meant..."

Confusion made sense, though. Rae did kind of just launch into the question without context. It was a wonder Alva even remembered the last part of their conversation, after all the examinations and waiting around. They were both dog tired, he could tell. Emotionally drained, physically drained. Rae wanted nothing more than to lie down and just sleep away all the bad feelings, to wake up feeling the way Alva always did. Like everything was new and fresh with the latest sunrise.

"You never said you loved him."

"Oh!" Alva sat up straighter, flushing slightly at his silly assumption. What question did Rae mean then? There were lots of questions that Alva failed to answer, because he didn't know himself or couldn't supply the answer to. He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, embarrassed that he'd launched into a whole explanation of a question Rae didn't need the answer to!

But--oh. That.

That...

He meant Susumu, didn't he? Rae wasn't asking about Alva's dad or about Ryland. Alva's lips pressed together as though he needed to form a physical barrier to prevent the words from coming out. He wondered why Rae wanted to know but then he already knew the answer to that, didn't he? Because Alva wanted to know, too, about Rae and... Josh. How much did Rae love Josh? How deep did those feelings go? Same things Rae probably wanted to know about him and Susumu. Because he couldn't let go. Rae, Alva, they couldn't seem to let go.

"You never said you loved him either," he mumbled, stalling for time. Well, Rae outright said he didn't want to see Josh at the moment but that could be exhaustion or anger that Josh was nowhere to be found. Only Alva came to get him. Ryland looked out for him. Aldon agreed to take him in.

Where the heck was Josh? Where did he fit in in all of this?

"I'll... tell you if you tell me."

Wince. Why didn't he see this backfiring on him? Of course Alva the fox was going to bandy the question right back at him... And he had every right to. There was a lot they didn't understand about what was going on when they weren't together. Rae swallowed hard and shifted his weight slightly, carefully moving his shitty arm into his lap, like that would stall for time, too. Like he didn't know that Alva was stalling. They were both doing it... Didn't that say everything?

"I was at that club to find out if he loved me."

Just saying it out loud made him want to squirm. Rae was growing, but it didn't mean he was suddenly sprung anew overnight. There were still things that made him was uncomfortable to talk about, especially chatting nonchalantly about how he felt about people. It was easy when it was just him and Alva. And it might have taken a little time for the words to form but once they were out there and they were received with a mutual feeling, it made it so much less daunting. After that, he could say it freely to Alva, not feeling a fool every time he did.

Josh, though, was another animal entirely. Rae didn't know if it was the feral side of him or what. But Rae was feral and he wasn't nearly as... wild. He was wild in his own way but he definitely didn't have the same cruel streak he saw in Josh sometimes. But he did sort of admire Josh for his strength, what felt to him like real, raw strength. His ability to let nothing get to him... Rae was envious sometimes. He wished he could be that cool about things, but he was the opposite of cool, wasn't he? Not as in lame, but Rae burned hot where Josh ran cold.

"I love him," he confessed, "but I hate him, too."

There was no point in pussyfooting around or lying. Truth was, if he didn't love Josh so much, he wouldn't have been able to break the way he did last night. He wouldn't be in this condition if he didn't give a shit or if his feelings weren't strong enough to be hit so hard once he realized things were upside down, lopsided. Not where he thought they were, not stable the way Rae needed it to be. He could only take so much of the head games and the casual crap. Rae was a lover with his whole heart and he expected the same in return. Stupidly, he mistook Josh's passion in the moment for something it wasn't.

"I hate him so much," he whispered fiercely, trying to bandage up that ugly throb in his chest. He studied Alva for a moment, then sighed, bone deep.

"The witch. If he cares... if he really..." He lowered his gaze. "Not gonna lie, it pisses me off. But I get it." He looked up again, feeling the weight of sadness falling over him again. "If you love him... you..."

Hate, love, they were the same, really, rooted in strong emotions. Hate and love both moved people--moved them as people--to be the worst and the best that they could be. Loving someone took courage. Hating someone did too, if there was once love.

"I see," was all that Alva said, nodding with his gaze on the edge of the hospital cot. The strip club was a terrible place for a love confession.

Rae wasn't saying anything new to him that he didn't already suspect; he was confirming Alva's ideas, that was all. The facts were laid out plainly before him but he could still tell that it hurt. The wounds were raw, the way they were when they broke apart.

But when they parted, there wasn't hate. It was impossible for Alva to hate Rae, not when he once loved him. Alva didn't know how to reconcile the two and judging by the emotion in Rae's voice and the brief glimpse of his expression that Alva saw, he didn't either. Didn't know how he could feel strongly for someone and not have those feelings reciprocated. Didn't know why Josh was the way he was, how he could remain stoic and unmoved in the face of Rae's honesty.

And Rae spoke in present tense. Love. Not loved, but love. He was still in love with Josh.

Alva sighed and pulled his hands into his lap. It was a lot to take in and to try and wrap his mind around. If Rae still loved Josh, where did that leave him and Rae? What was Rae hoping to gain by knowing if Alva loved Susumu? If he wanted to be together again...

Alva couldn't see them as lovers now. Not at the moment, when Rae's heart was with someone else and when Alva's was uncertain and shaky and adrift. He took in a deep, long breath. Let it out.

"I don't know... I wanted to love someone else, anyone else, after we broke up. I wanted someone to fill the void that you left. We were together for so long that I'd... forgotten what it was like to not have anyone. Susu was... there. He was--is--kind and patient and sweet." Alva shrugged listlessly.

"I really just... was scared that I'd never be able to feel love again."

When Rae left, he took all the colors in Alva's world with him.

"If Josh had said that he loved you, would you..."

Would they be here now?

"...have moved on? With him?"

Kind. Patient. Sweet. Everything that Rae was not. Funny, that they should choose new partners in people who were nothing at all like each other. Rae thought they must have done it on purpose. Well, on purpose without really meaning to. Rae could never fill that void Alva talked about with anybody but Alva. But there was space there, still, for somebody else. Not just because he was lonely but because time moved forward and Rae was so angry, angry all the time. Not that Josh helped, to be honest. He just directed that anger wherever he wanted to amuse himself and left Rae feeling even angrier, more frustrated because he was looking for something he wasn't going to find in Josh.

It didn't mean he didn't love him, though. It was weird kind of love but it was there. Passionate, violent, like nothing he'd had with anybody else. Josh just got the nature of the beast, of being feral. He brought it out further, made Rae wild. But he enjoyed it for a while. It was freeing, to just be what his nature wanted him to be. And Josh did understand him in ways Alva couldn't. But... Alva understood things Josh didn't even seem bothered to be aware of.

Rae nodded, a small sound rising up in the back of his throat. The feeling of not being able to love again, he could identify with that. Even the thought left a hollow spot in his heart. For a while, he didn't know how to live without Alva in his life. He wanted him back so desperately but his pride held him back. No begging, no pleading. He didn't even fucking apologize for what he did to Alva... until now. Which should have been too late. But it didn't feel that way.

There had been a trickle of hope. Dashed now, but it was there. Maybe it could come back someday. Maybe they weren't trapped the way Rae felt they were now.

With some effort, Rae unfolded his legs and swung them over the side of the hospital bed. He watched Alva, who looked so tiny in his misery, a little ball of hurt. It was true, what Alva said earlier. They were all hurting. Alva, too.

"I don't know."

The words felt so stark in the room, plaintive. Really, he didn't know. Josh? Saying those words? Yeah right. And even if he did say them, he would only say them to to with him or to get Rae into some corner he wanted him in. Rae was realizing a lot of things he would much rather have stayed blind to. Even if it was good for him to know, he didn't know if the hurt of it was worth all that.

"But even if I did... do you really think it would last very long? Before this happened?" He indicated his face, his arm. "Josh... he's been pushing me to the edge from the start. He thinks he's funny." Rae scuffed the floor with his bare heel, like a contrite child. "But I'd be dead if it weren't for you."

He looked up, put out his hand. "I need you. Even if we're not... together. And I was just hoping that, maybe, you might need me too. Even if we're not together."

Who do you love more? Alva wanted childishly to ask Rae, but didn't. It wasn't really a matter of loving more, was it? It was... loving differently. Loving two people for different reasons because Alva and Josh were worlds apart. There were no words for just how different they were and Alva, personally, was surprised that they somehow managed to co-exist inside of Rae's heart for that long. Surely one had to win out over the other; either Alva's peaceful, loving approach would change Rae or Josh's violent, hateful ways would.

He felt disappointingly at several low moments in their relationship that he wasn't winning that fight. That whatever Rae saw in Josh was more of a moving force than the stability that Alva brought to his life. Rae loved Alva... but his heart was tugged in a different direction, too. It took five years for that to manifest itself into this giant mess—and Alva didn't mean the way that Rae looked right now, either. So who really won? Who was counting the falls?

Rae could be sweet, though. He could be kind sometimes, when the occasion called for it. He was the last person one connected with the idea of patience but Alva had enough of that for the two of them. Rae needed someone in his life to anchor him and so did Susumu. The point was, Rae wasn't Susumu's polar opposite so maybe Alva, while searching for someone to fill the void that Rae left behind, unconsciously sought out someone just like him. Someone who needed help. Someone who needed an 'Alva' in their life.

Alva did see something in Susumu, though. He saw a chance for them to work, even if his feelings right now were shallower compared to the feelings that developed with Rae. But he thought that he owed Susumu a chance, which was why he made no promises now for the future. He owed himself a chance to see if things could work out, or if Rae really was the best possible choice for him. Rae was Alva's first—for everything. He had nothing to compare those experiences to but he was beginning to. He was realizing things about himself that he never knew with Rae. Those were valuable lessons, too.

"You don't know?" He questioned, finally looking at Rae. Really looked at him with eyes cleared to the truth. He supposed that such an intense relationship took its toll eventually. Part of him envied Josh for that—for having that kind of connection with Rae but equal parts of him was glad that he wasn't like that. Fires like that burned brightly, intensely, but briefly. It was a whirlwind of emotions, sweeping one high into the air, and then when that wind was taken away, all that remained was a terrible fall.

Alva liked their relationship more. Steady, slow, easy. Low-burning embers, really, to the bonfire that was Rae and Josh's somewhat ill-fated romance. At least he could be assured that his contribution to Rae's life was a positive one. He didn't make Rae hate him the way that Rae seemed to hate Josh now, so that was... some consolation to his troubled soul.

When Rae held out a hand, Alva took it. He mulled over the words—need, together—and then nodded. Even if they weren't together, he could see them being together. As friends, perhaps. Or perhaps they could rebuild; it was far too early to tell. The hope was there at least, and that was all they needed to move on. Together.

"I'll be here. For as long as you need me. And you'll be here, for as long as I need you. I do need you, Rae."

Shit... Alva didn't sound that impressed with him for not knowing. But he didn't! What if Josh did say I love you? The thought of him saying it was... laughable. Rae had a hard time even imagining it, let alone hearing it. If Josh admitted it in some other form, though? If Rae knew, without a doubt, that there were feelings for him there...? He probably would have stuck it out for a while longer but what he said to Alva was too true.

Josh would end up burning him out until there was nothing left. That or Rae would go mad with the red taking over. Angry, wild, feral. Josh would love that, he thought. Sometimes Rae thought that was where Josh was pushing him, trying to mold him into something he wanted. Surely there had to be somebody more appropriate for him, then. Rae couldn't be the only one who rose to the challenge of a battle, who did sort of like a little violence in the bedroom, whose blood pumped harder for the excitement of it.

There were things Josh provided that Alva never could. Not that he would ever tell Alva that. But he also wouldn't tell Josh that Alva gave a lot that Josh would never be able to. If he looked at the two of them, Alva seemed more like the type to settle in with, to marry, to have a family with. And Josh was the fling that everybody craved at least once in their lives (so he thought). The kind that allowed for wild abandon.

Rae was still fairly young. Alva was his first love, maybe his only true love. But maybe they needed the separation for a while to learn things about themselves they never would have otherwise. Like this... the hardest lesson Rae had ever learned. It certainly wasn't going to leave him any time soon.

Tentatively, a smile formed on his lips as Alva took his hand. Rae's heart skipped a little beat. They needed each other. They could be there for each other, regardless of the witch, regardless of what happened with Josh or anybody else that came into their lives. Rae's smile grew just a tiny bit more and he gave Alva's hand a meaningful squeeze.

"And we're still going on that hike, even if it's not a date." He let out a rough little laugh, gaze turning around the room in his embarrassment. "I thought it was a date."

That was a relieved smile if ever there was one and Alva should know—he was smiling purely from relief, too. They probably looked like a pair of silly dumb kids holding hands for the first time, just realizing how miraculous relationships could be. Young love was a thing of the past for them but how old were they, really? Their experiences seemed like the end-all, be-all of relationships but there had to be others out there who experienced worse. They couldn't be the only ones who hurt, who loved, who learned.

Alva liked that smile on Rae though. He liked it a lot. He especially liked that it lifted him up, too, and for the first time since they broke up he felt as if he was truly... relieved. Even happy, dare he say it. Happy to have reconnected, happy that things were working out. Rae's change was miraculous, and all from one night of getting beaten so badly that he needed to go to a hospital...

Well, Alva wouldn't condone that as a means to bring about personal improvement any time soon.

He laughed outright at Rae's sheepish confession and leaned in teasingly to look at his embarrassed face. Of course they would go together—it was Alva's idea!

"You did?!" Alva pushed his chair closer so that it was easier to hold hands without Rae having to be perched on the side of the bed. He was hurt, he needed to rest! "I didn't mean it as a date," he began slowly, leaning against the bed a little himself, "but... it might be. Some day. When we're ready... I mean, if we're ever ready to try again... that sounds like a fun date. That or a cooking show marathon! Don't forget, you offered! You offered!"

Hah! Alva laughed! Not... that Rae wanted him to laugh about that but... hey! He was laughing and that was what mattered. Laughing was a far cry from the absolute mess the two of them were earlier. Hells better than Alva begging with him to... forgive him or something because he dared move on without him.

It was okay, though. Rae wasn't okay for a minute but when he put it all into perspective, when he was too exhausted to even properly be mad, it was... surprisingly okay. As long as there was love there. As long as Alva didn't experience the horrendous rollercoaster of shit that Rae did, it was okay. And even if he did, Rae would be there, just like he said. Because... they needed each other.

As he lay back to rest, he smiled to himself. Yeah. It all turned out better than the Rae of last night ever could have imagined. Then, he thought the world might as well end with him. Now he was sleepy and back to that warm, fuzzy feeling of being with somebody that made him more comfortable than anybody else.

"It can still be a friend date," Rae said, knowing it sounded ridiculous. But he didn't want to be cut out of the trail just because it wasn't a date! "And I did say that but I thinnnnk I prefer the hike. Just saying."

Seeing as how Rae had been put through the wringer, Alva relented. "Okay. It'll be a friend date." He finally gave in to the urge to reach over and stroke some of Rae's hair back, brushing his forehead gently just to feel his temperature. A little warm still, but that was to be expected. Some sleep, some medication, some much-needed peace and quiet and relaxation was what Rae needed now.

"Go to sleep," he murmured soothingly as he twined his fingers with Rae's again, to let him know that Alva wasn't going anywhere. No, he was staying right here where Rae needed him. Right by his side. "I'll be here when you wake up."

"A friend date it is."

Didn't matter how dumb it sounded. It sounded like heaven to him. And he was dog tired. He hadn't slept at all overnight, just sat in his hollow darkness, waiting to die. After all the fighting and the admissions and... crying... he was beyond exhausted. His eyes burned for sleep and he could barely keep them open. And with the comfort overtaking the stress from earlier, it wasn't hard at all for his eyes to keep sliding closed. He kept opening them, kept looking to see if it was true that Alva was still there. Eventually, the exhaustion overtook him and his eyes stopped fluttering open.

He fell into a deep sleep, the kind born of deep emotional and physical exhaustion. The kind that the brain screamed to shut down, to rest, to repair all the damage and to help him wake up anew. It was a deep and dreamless sleep but... he smiled as he drifted off, still holding onto Alva's hand.

Ryland was right: Alva couldn't stay at the hospital all night! The idea of staying faithfully by Rae's side and watching him sleep was appealing but it wasn't practical. Even if he could stay the night, he had nothing on him--no change of clothes, no toothbrush, nothing to make sleeping in the chair easier on his already tired body. He was more emotionally drained than physically exhausted but he still needed his proper rest, preferably in his own comfortable bed.

And what would Susu say if Alva didn't come home? He would ask why and Alva would be forced to explain everything through the phone. That was not ideal. It was an insult, frankly, to Susu and it was disrespectful to everything that they had built together: their partnership, their friendship, their relationship.

The thought of having to tell Susu everything that happened was a daunting one, though. Alva didn't want to do it but he couldn't lecture Ryland about acting like an adult and then turn around and run like a child! That wasn't right. It wasn't fair to Susu either.

Reluctantly, Alva eased his chair back. Rae was sleeping peacefully now, covered in the hospital blanket that Alva pulled over him after he drifted off. He looked so battered, though. So hurt. Broken. He had gone through so much to make strides in his own personal growth but that came at a large cost. Alva didn't know how he would recover from this ordeal; he worried about this new Rae as much as he worried about the old Rae.

But! He couldn't stay in here and worry, he needed to take those worries home with him and worry there. Besides, Alva would be back. Rae probably wouldn't wake up any time soon, just like Ryland said. He also did sleep pretty heavily, more so in his battered state, so Alva felt a little better leaving him there. He wrote a long note explaining his absence, telling Rae not to try and break out of the hospital. Alva would be back in the morning, bright and early--he made sure to underline that part, so Rae knew in no uncertain terms that he hadn't been abandoned. Alva just needed to get some things from home, grab a couple of hours' sleep and then he'd return!

As quietly as he could, he rolled his chair out of the room. He kept looking back over his shoulder, as if Rae would wake up suddenly, but he didn't. Alva still kept checking though--just in case--until he was out the door and even then he hovered, anxiously scanning the bed for signs of movement. Nothing. Good.

Alva closed the door quietly and turned his chair around, knowing that there was an elevator at the end of the hallway. But he let out a gasp of surprise and jerked back when he saw--

"Josh?"

There was a row of chairs opposite the door, reserved for visitors. Josh was sitting in one of them, one leg crossed over the other and staring at the door. He stared at Alva with those piercing dark eyes of his for a long moment and Alva swore he felt the hate.

"What are you do--"

"Is he okay?" Josh cut him off abruptly and sharply, still staring at him. Looking at Alva as if he was worthless, that was Josh's way of somehow claiming superiority but Alva wasn't intimidated. He glared back.

"What do you care? You're just here to make him feel bad about being beaten up, aren't you? You're here to laugh at him. Well you can leave, Rae doesn't need you." Alva sat up straighter in his chair and lifted his chin nobly. "He has me."

For a second, Alva thought that Josh was going to smack him. He saw Josh's hands curling into fists by his side; the venomous glare intensified. Josh's nostrils flared and he opened his mouth to speak, as finally that sneering facade fell away and revealed his true feelings--hatred. Josh's hatred was palpable, almost an entity of its own. It was living, breathing hatred.

"Is that what you think?" Josh drawled, leaning back in his seat--reclining like a king, really. "Is that what he thinks?"

"It's a fact! You were never there for him. You don't even deserve to be with Rae! He hates you! You're nothing to--"

SLAP!

Alva recoiled, the force of Josh's blow turning his head sharply to the right. Shocked, his hand flew up to his stinging cheek as all the blood rose to his face and a buzzing, whining ringing in his ears made his head spin.

"You don't know anything about what we have," Josh hissed, now on his feet, his chest rising and falling visibly in his anger. "You're the one who doesn't belong! A weakling like you? With Rae? Don't make me laugh, you pathetic cripple." He glared contempt and scorn at Alva, who was still reeling from the fact that he had just been assaulted. "Stay out of my way, fox," Josh ground out. "Or I won't be held responsible for what happens to you."

"You--you're crazy." Alva shook his head. He could feel the side of his face growing warmer and warmer and that buzzing ring still wouldn't go away. He trembled, he was so angry, so... so hateful. Alva didn't hate easily but he hated Josh.

He hated Josh!

The sneer was back again, on Josh's face. "Maybe I am. Maybe I am crazy." he laughed, a high, cruel, taunting laugh. "And there's nothing you can do about it."

There were never any guarantees in Susumu's line of work. There were simply targets and deadlines and the hunt brought with it a thrill that kept him going, that made him ideal for the job. There were hunters, after all. Why not those who hunted the hunters? That was what Susumu had become and in doing so, he had learned to be able to turn off certain aspects of his emotions when it best suited him.

Alva was a curious sort of person to Susumu. Of course, he felt terribly guilty for cursing him, even if it had been on accident. Something told him, though, that Alva might have stood in his way if he knew what he was up to--on purpose. Alva had a habit of putting himself on the line for all those he loved and although the circle at first seemed small, it stretched farther than Susumu first expected.

Protection or not, Susumu's magic only seemed to cause a rift between them. Yet, Susumu could not bring himself to regret what he had done. The intentions of his magic were apparent and for a time, they did help Alva. Then the memories came surging back to the others and it broke the curse. Suddenly, all those that poisoned Alva's life were back and they were poisoning him all over again. Watching Alva suffer in silence with a smile on his face wracked Susumu with a slow burning anger--he wasn't altogether fond of those in Alva's life, no matter how much Alva loved them. Did he not see how they took and they took and they took from him? They were leaving such a beautiful soul in ruins.

Most of all--the worst offender--Reagan Ryang.

Susumu frowned when he received the message but he held his tongue--or rather, his fingers. He held back the words he wished to say in order to spare Alva his real thoughts. This was nothing new; Susumu's real personality only shown through as a tip of an iceberg. Beneath that was something far more complicated and nothing that Alva had even touched upon thus far in knowing him.

When Susumu arrived at the hospital, he walked with purpose and his gaze was sharp as he studied each and every person he met or passed on the way to Reagan's room. Was he still here? Oh, he knew that Alva was. But Josh. Was he still lurking around the hospital, lying in wait for Alva? His eyes narrowed as he reached the hallway that led to the room he was looking for. His steps were deliberate as he approached, watching, waiting.

"Oh Rae..." Alva whispered in a low voice as he reached for Rae's hand again. He was back in the room, beside the hospital bed where Rae still slept peacefully, unaware of what had transpired. Josh was long gone by now but Alva wasn't willing to leave in case Josh was waiting for just such an opportunity. Alva just knew that if Josh ever got his hands on Rae, it was over. He would poison Rae all over again because he knew just how to target others' weaknesses and use them to his own advantage. Josh was a born manipulator. He was evil through and through.

And so Alva was back, in the dimly lit room with the curtains drawn and the lights turned way down to help Rae sleep. His cheek still smarted and he still felt the imprint of Josh's hand against his skin. He tried to rub it but it was pretty obvious that he'd been struck. It took about twenty pictures for him to take one that didn't make the mark stand out, and he sent that to Ryland to reassure him so that he wouldn't come tearing down here looking for a fight. That was the last thing Alva wanted, for someone to get hurt on his behalf.

He felt better knowing that Susumu was coming, though. Talking to him made Alva feel instantly better and reassured. He breathed more easily knowing that even if Josh did come back, it wouldn't be to useless Alva trying to stand in the way of him absconding with Rae. But still he was nervous, glancing about once in a while in case Josh jimmied open a window or... dug a tunnel through a wall or something. (Unlikely, but...)

Why did Josh even care? Was it only because he wanted to possess Rae? That was so wrong. Rae didn't belong to anyone; he wasn't a trophy for Josh to put up on his wall and forget all about as he chased a new victim. There were people who treasured Rae, who loved him with all their hearts—Alva, but also his family and friends like Aldon. To those people Rae was unique and precious and one-of-a-kind. How could Josh not see what they saw? How was it possible to be loved and not feel even a little something in return, and all the while still string them along?

Alva sighed and laid his head down against the side of the bed, beside Rae's arm. He looked up at Rae's sleeping form and his heart ached fiercely in his chest. He loved Rae so much that it formed a physical ball of pain inside but they couldn't even be together, not right now. Alva didn't think he was ready to love that way for a while yet and he was sure Rae felt the same. They needed a little separation and some time to let their fractured hearts heal. Still. It didn't mean that he loved Rae less, or even wanted to.

Suddenly the door creaked and Alva sat up abruptly, startled, frightened. "Susu?" It was too dark in the room to see properly and the light from the hallway outside half-blinded him. Alva moved forward, craning his neck, and then let out a relieved little cry and held out his arms to Susumu's familiar, tall figure. "Susu!" He cried out but this time his tone was happier and less frightened. "You made it! You're here!" Alva wheeled himself towards Susumu and clung to him... or to his body, burying his face against Susumu's midsection for a moment. He finally felt like he could take a breath. "You're here..."

Darkness enveloped Susumu as he entered the hospital room. His brows raised, surprised at the darkness. Did Alva just sit beside Rae's side in the darkness without thought to turning on a light? There were blinding overhead lights but there were also wall-mounted lamps beside the bed that he could have used. Susumu shook his head slightly, as if in gentle admonishment.

The relief in Alva was palpable as he immediately wheeled himself over and wrapped his arms around him. Susumu could hear it in his voice. He could feel it in the slight tremble of Alva's arms around him. No doubt, Alva was tired, exhausted from his ordeal with his... old friend. Susumu smiled to himself, sure that nobody could see the self-satisfaction on his face... up until his gaze lit on the figure lying asleep in the bed. Light from the hallway illuminated him and he cut a pathetic figure there, lying on his back, his head turned toward where Alva had likely been lying his head beside him. His face had seen better days; it was covered in bruises and a thick bandage where he must have been cut or scratched across the cheek and nose.

Poor, poor thing. Susumu's eyes narrowed at the sight of him, heart growing cold. Yes, poor, poor thing. Susumu knew what he had done. Fighting with others of his kind... Really? What a... show.

Susumu lifted his hand and brushed it over the back of Alva's neck and up into the fine hairs at the back of his neck. His expression became tender as it left Rae and dropped to Alva. After a long moment, he lowered himself on one knee so that they were face to face. His hand slid up to gently caress Alva's cheek, to guide some hair away from his tired eyes.

"Of course I'm here. You didn't think I'd leave you to deal with this all alone... did you?" He smiled at Alva. His other hand touched Alva's knee. "When have you last eaten? You need to remember to take care of yourself."

Alva couldn't begin to describe how relieved he was to see Susumu. It was like his entire body relaxed, from the roots of his hair on down, and he never even knew just how tense he really was until Susumu entered, in the flesh, and Alva could hold on to him. He derived a lot of strength from Susumu these days. Although everyone around him tried to help, they weren't as knowledgeable as Susumu and they definitely weren't as powerful. That was just fact; Alva didn't appreciate them any less but realistically, they all knew that Susumu was probably the only one who could actually help Alva.

One upside was that all of Susumu's doubters were beginning to trust him more now. Ryland, Yoojin, they both saw how badly Susumu wanted to help and protect Alva and Alva was sure that counted in their books. Before, they wouldn't give him half a chance but they were wrong about him, and now they had to see that. There was nothing to worry about; Susumu didn't have any ulterior motives as far as Alva was concerned. He was exactly what Alva needed in this moment—a hero.

In the light spilling in from the hallway, Alva saw the tender, gentle look on Susumu's face. No one could have that look on their face and in their eyes—genuinely mean it, too—and be bad. Alva believed that Susumu loved him and he thought that in his heart, there could be room for Susumu too. He could love Susumu. Perhaps he couldn't love him the way that he loved Rae, because there was too much history behind them, but it didn't mean that he and Susumu didn't have history of their own now.

They had their own little jokes, their own language as lovers. No two relationships could be exactly the same and while Alva was perhaps looking for another Rae in him, he didn't want to replicate what he had with Rae. That wouldn't have felt right. The more he learned of Susumu, the more he realized that he was nothing like Rae—and that was all right. It was nice to have a change of pace again, to be with someone different so that he could experience another kind of love.

Alva smiled back at him, feeling mushy inside. A handsome man smiling that way at him? How could he not feel something? "All I want is—ice cream and fries!" He laughed softly so as not to awaken Rae and leaned forward. Both of his hands came up to cup either side of Susumu's cheek, to hold him in place so that Alva could kiss him softly. "I'm okay," he whispered, letting his forehead rest lightly against Susumu's. Breathe. He was safe now.

Susumu's phone went off, though, and Alva eased back. He was reminded of how busy Susumu was and how many other people depended on him. Yet, he dropped everything to come down here just because Alva was scared and intimidated by a... big bad wolf. "Maybe you should get that. It might be important."

"I promise, we'll have those fries and ice cream," he said, still smiling gently. He had never had occasion to try such a thing but he could try for Alva's sake. Salty and sweet... An unorthodox mixture but not altogether uncommon these days. It was a surprise he hadn't tried it before... Or not, since Susumu was accustomed to eating more... gourmet style food. Fast food was far too greasy and ended up making him feel sick, rather than nourished.

Alva said he was okay, but... Susumu gently touched Alva's arm, in the place where he knew the Mark was. It was a magic so strong that its energy was palpable to Susumu. It was a bit like touching a low voltage electrical current. He wondered if Alva felt it, too, when Susumu touched it.

"You--" he started but the phone going off interrupted him. Somewhat annoyed, he intended to ignore it, thinking it was a colleague upset with him for leaving early. But beautiful, sunlight-souled Alva insisted that he check. Of course he did. He probably worried that somebody was in need of his help. Susumu smiled briefly before leaning in to kiss Alva on the cheek.

"How can you be so sweet?" he said, almost to himself. "I suppose I'll see what this is about..."

He stood and removed his phone from his pocket to see that it was from somebody that brought a sour feeling to his stomach. While his expression remained neutral, inside, he was somewhat irritated that some feral wolf would try and entice him into helping him. What could possibly be exchanged? What could a creature like Josh offer a powerful witch like Susumu?

Still, after exchanging a few terse texts, Susumu lowered the phone.

"Alva... you should get home and get some proper rest." He gently brushed fingertips through Alva's soft hair. "I can take over from here."

Susumu was the sweetheart, dropping everything to be here. "Stop, I'll get big-headed," Alva laughed, leaning into the kiss and then politely turning his head so that he wasn't snooping in on Susumu's texts. He might have been paranoid with Rae, back when he suspected that something was going on behind his back, but even then Alva never went and looked at Rae's phone. He couldn't bring himself to do it; it was crossing a line. Once that trust was breached, they could never go back to the way they were.

So he looked over his shoulder instead, at Rae who was sleeping with his head lolled to one side. (The side Alva had been resting on earlier, that didn't escape his notice one bit.) Absently he brushed a hand over the mark that Susumu touched earlier. Lately it wasn't twinging as much... or maybe he was getting used to it. He hadn't had another blackout and he didn't wake up covered in blood at any point, which was an enormous relief. That meant he wasn't hurting anyone.

Alva smiled softly at Rae's sleeping form and his heart ached again. If only... Well, Rae's eyes were opened to the truth now, at least. Hopefully Josh would be taken out of the picture, out of his life, and they could all move on.

Alva drew out of his thoughts once Susumu seemed finished with his business, though he didn't much like the suggestion of him going home. Not that he didn't trust Susumu with Rae, but if Rae woke up and saw him here, there might be trouble. He shook his head slightly. "I want to stay until Ry and Aldon get here. They're coming to keep an eye on Rae and to bring him some clothes. They should be here soon, and then I was hoping we could go home together." Alva latched onto Susumu's hand, pulling it closer, holding it against his chest comfortingly. "It'd be nice if we could have some time to ourselves..."

Of course it wasn't as easy as he would have liked it. It wasn't as simple as saying he could watch Reagan while Alva went home and Alva had good reason for saying what he did. Not that he mistrusted Susumu but Reagan definitely had bad blood regarding him. Smarter than he looked, that one. But still not smart enough.

Knowing full well that Alva still harbored deep feelings for Reagan, Susumu doubted he was going to be able to make him move from his side in any conventional way. Every single easy way out wasn't easy; even asking Alva to get him something to eat or drink would 1. reflect badly on Susumu and 2. why would he agree to do so--Reagan might wake up while he was gone, no matter how short the journey.

So Susumu smiled and kissed Alva's head as his hand was taken and held against Alva's beating heart. Such a sweet little thing. Such a generous heart, far too big and loving with so much room for every person he loved. Somehow, he managed to love with all of his heart and it wasn't reserved for Susumu... nor even Reagan. Family...

"We really haven't had as much time alone together as I would have liked," Susumu lamented, thinking of how his work took him away from Alva. He would have to wait until the cousin arrived. But then the cousin would be in the room with Rae. How exactly did this Josh expect him to meet with him in this room? It would have been far easier to excuse himself to the bathroom, leave, meet, and come back. But he was guessing this had more to do with getting him in the same room with Rae.

"I hate to say this but... the messages I just got, they're from the person who wants to meet us about the mark. He wants to meet now. It's so hard to squeeze in time with him..."

How fortunate that Susumu came into Alva's life when he did. It was fate. Just when Alva felt weakest and when he needed a shoulder to lean on, Susumu came into the picture and he was like no one that Alva had ever met before. True, Susumu did curse him to begin with but that was purely accidental. What happened afterwards, the bond that they forged, was all real.

Alva only wished that they could have had more time to be together so that they could get to know each other even better. There was a lot that Alva didn't know fully about him yet and Susumu's work was urgent and took him away often, but it was necessary work and it was work that saved lives. Alva could never blame him or feel as if he had been neglected or wronged in some way. He tried to support Susumu now by being patient and understanding; that was the best thing he thought he could do.

"Oh." He drew back slightly, startled. This put him into a difficult situation of having to choose between his own well-being or staying and taking care of Rae. Alva wanted to be here until at least Ryland and Aldon arrived to take over, but the way Susumu phrased it made the meeting seem urgent. And it was urgent and serious. Alva still hesitated, conflicted between knowing more about the mark and trying to keep Rae safe from Josh's clutches.

"I suppose we should go, if that person can only meet now," he began slowly, looking worriedly over his shoulder at Rae. "Maybe we can get a nurse to keep an eye on Rae until Ry and Aldon gets here!" Alva brightened and let go of Susumu's hand. "I'll go to the nurse's station and ask if someone can check in on Rae until they get here. Wait for me, I'll be right back. Tell that person we'll meet tonight, Susu!" With a glowing look at Susumu and infinitely relieved to not leave Rae unattended, Alva started to wheel his chair out of the room. He knew there was a nurse's station on that floor and if he asked nicely, surely one of them wouldn't mind taking a peek at Rae.

As soon as the fox left the room and the witch gave confirmation, Josh eased himself out from around the corner. He'd been watching and waiting, knowing that where the fox was, his witch boyfriend wouldn't be far behind—especially if he thought that the fox was in danger from Josh, the big baddie. And to be fair, Josh had enjoyed slapping him earlier. It let out some of his pent-up frustrations, plus it seemed to really spook the little cripple.

What? As if Josh had any qualms about hitting a cripple. He would have killed and eaten—yes, eaten—Alva long ago if not for Rae. All this time, he'd been holding back because of Rae, and because he knew that if he was found to lay a finger on him, Rae would be lost. His new plan, however, would ensure that Rae fell straight into his waiting hands.

In passing, he swept up the tiny camera that he'd planted in the row of seats opposite Rae's room. No fancy magical shit for Josh, this was purely a convenience of technology. He tucked it into his pocket and quickly entered the room. Alva would likely return because Josh didn't see him leaving without the witch, but Josh was confident that he could relay his plan to the witch in a few sentences. The witch wasn't stupid; he more than anyone would pick up on what Josh meant.

"I'm guessing he'll be back soon, so I'll make this quick," Josh said as soon as he entered the room—but not too far in, not so far that he couldn't get himself out of this was a trap. "If you're serious about what we discussed, then listen up."

"Why wouldn't I be serious?" Susumu drawled, eyeing Josh with distaste. He never did like his type, even if he was a supernatural like himself. The rough type. The type that could be a hunter just like those Susumu hunted. Yet he also sensed a kindred spirit. Not unlike himself, this was an ambitious one. Rough, maybe. But not stupid. Not stupid like the one lying in bed at the moment. Susumu noted that Josh didn't enter the room properly, and didn't get too close to Susumu, which was fine. And interesting.

Susumu moved to the side of the bed where the sleeping Reagan still lay unconscious, dead to the world. His chest rose up and down, his face slightly flushed, possibly from vestiges of a fever. He would be fine, though. A broken arm and a concussion would hardly kill him.

"Spit it out, whatever you have to say," Susumu said, almost bored as he reached into his pocket, used two fingers to open up a pouch and then delved his fingertips into a soft concoction, a bit like warm sand compacted into a lotion-like consistency.

Warily, Josh watched the witch. He hovered by the door to keep an eye on the hallway outside and to give himself an avenue of escape if things went wrong. Something told him, though, that the witch wouldn't turn on him. "Good. I need you to make a potion..." Josh frowned at the small bag that the witch pulled out and dipped his fingers into, not knowing the substance contained within. He stepped back a pace, just in case.

It didn't take long to outline his idea, and how they could be mutually beneficial to one another. Josh was articulate, cunning, and determined. He had worked out all of the facets of his idea, and knew the risks. But those risks were worth the payout, as far as he was concerned, and he was fairly certain that the witch would agree. They each had their uses; the witch had magic and Josh had the power of intimidation over... certain people.

He kept his expression neutral, however, as he spoke and his eyes never left the witch, especially as he was now standing by Rae. After he had finished, he crossed his arms. The fox might return soon so he had to make sure the witch was on board now. "Do we have a deal?"

"Potions aren't quite as long lasting as a good old fashioned curse," Susumu said conversationally. But he heard Josh out, aware that time was growing shorter for them. The last thing he needed was for Alva to catch him conspiring with the enemy. After a moment, Susumu tucked away his pouch and reached over to Reagan, tilting his head away so that he had access to the back of his neck. Ruminating over the spot, he decided behind the ear would work better. He touched bare skin with the ointment.

"Curses can be tricky things but the closer the caster to the recipient, the better." A mark slowly began to develop where Susumu traced his sigil. He removed his hand and moved Reagan's head back in place. Then he slid a handkerchief out to wipe his hand before moving forward.

"We have a deal. He will wake up and Alva will be..." His smile was quite devious. "Well. Erasing memories, they seem to know their way around that one. And I do admit that it was rather weak since I didn't have access to them the way I do now. But let's just say... this curse will work much better. I think you'll like it."

For half a second, as Susumu reached out to flick Rae's head to the side, Josh had an instinctive reaction to lunge. It was... oh, some stupid remnant protective instinct, he supposed. Wolves were notoriously protective of their territory and of their own. Josh bit the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood, watching Susumu touching Rae and doing something to the area behind his ear.

It seemed to be finished quite quickly, though Josh's eyes bored a hole through him afterwards, scrutinizing the sly smile on his face. So this was the kind of man that the fox chose to shack up with, was it? Josh almost laughed. Rae was definitely better off with him than with an idiot who let himself fall in with a witch like this. Besides, now he could take Rae away from the influence of this man, even if he had to get Susumu to curse him in the first place.

"You work quick," was his off-hand comment, playing it off as though nothing untoward had just happened. As if Josh was accustomed to seeing witches cursing people close to him on a daily basis. He was actually quite impressed, but like hell he was going to let Susumu know that. Josh looked over his shoulder again to make sure the coast was clear, then turned back to Susumu with a smile of his own. But his was dark more than devious.

"I'd better like it, witch, or I'll be back. And not just for you." He cast another look at Rae, laying there unconscious with bandages all over him. But he would live and he would wake up hopefully with a different set of memories than he fell asleep with. Josh nodded curtly; their transaction was complete. "I'll uphold my end of the bargain, don't you worry. You just have to be there with open arms to catch him." He glanced over his shoulder again. "You have my number. We'll be in touch." He left without a good-bye but he didn't think that Susumu would be holding his breath waiting for it.

Not a moment too soon, too, because just as he turned the corner he heard Alva's voice, with a softer female one—probably a nurse, approaching Rae's room. Josh smiled again to himself, grimly this time. He had put everything into this idea. It had better work.

"Thank you so much," Alva said warmly as he led the nurse to Rae's room, oblivious of the fact that Josh had left mere seconds ago. "Their names are Ryland and Aldon, and they'll be here in maybe ten minutes."

"It's no problem," said the nurse—Nancy. She was a middle-aged woman with a kind face and wispy gray-brown hair drawn into a bun at the base of her neck. She smiled at Alva and patted him gently on the shoulder. There was something motherly about her that Alva liked, and she had been the first to step forward to offer to help when he approached the nurse's station. "We'll take good care of your friend, don't you worry honey."

"Thank you," he said again, and then pushed open the door to Rae's room. "Susu, I found a nurse! This is Nancy, she's going to stay with Rae until Ryland and Aldon get here." Alva beamed at him, but first his gaze flew to Rae, who still seemed to be sleeping.

There was something kind of funny in the air, though. Something that felt like magic. Alva glanced around, puzzled by what he felt, yet oddly certain that it was magic. He looked to Susumu, suddenly alarmed. Had Josh been here? Was there a fight? If there was, nothing in the room was disturbed or upset; everything looked the way Alva left it. Susumu looked unharmed, too.

Quickly he eased his chair forward and took Susumu's hand. "Is everything okay here? Nothing happened while I was gone, right?" Alva asked in a low voice, unsettled by the magic he felt that was making the hairs at the base of his neck rise. He shivered unconsciously and pulled himself even closer as the mark on his arm twinged unpleasantly.

Of course he worked quickly. There were a number of curses on Susumu at any given moment. Not curses set on him, of course. Curses to use against enemies. Curses to use when it served his purposes. Cursing Reagan was easy enough; Susumu had never liked him and he had already cursed him, what... twice before? Throwing a couple more on top of that was just a mere shrug of the shoulder for him.

Besides, he did want Alva to himself and he was just so easily distracted when it came to dear Reagan Ryang. Susumu wrinkled his nose slightly at the thought; he could never quite understand that attraction nor did he want to. Love, he heard, was not always logical but it was all right. Susumu was here to set things right. To give Alva what he truly deserved, even if...

"Hm," he said in a noncommittal tone. Yes, they could reach one another now, himself and Josh. Hopefully that wouldn't be needed. He thought Josh here would like the twist he set on his curse but he would see that it worked whenever the poor bastard woke up. For the time being, however...

Susumu also did not say goodbye, he simply watched as Josh left as quickly as he had come. A wraith, really, more than a feral wolf. But like Susumu, he seemed well equipped to play a different role as it suited him.

As Alva and the nurse arrived, Susumu smiled indulgently at Alva and then at Nancy. Alva was positively lit up like the sun, so happy, so excited to finally be getting answers. Susumu actually felt a little bad for him but it was true; they would take a visit to the so-called expert. There would be answers, though he... feared they weren't going to be entirely to Alva's liking. That part actually made him pause a moment. But he ignored that little twinge of regret and he pulled Alva a little closer as his hand was taken.

"Of course. Everything is fine," he reassured Alva. "We really should go. I don't want to leave our friend waiting..."

"Right. The person we're meeting..." Alva took his last look (for the night) at Rae and left with Susumu, convincing himself that he was merely imagining the scent of magic lingering in the air. He was tired, he told himself. It had been a long, trying day and he and Rae were so emotional at the start of it that they had both expended all of their energy. While Rae got to rest, Alva was alert and watchful, and then of course the ordeal with Josh also spooked him...

"I can't wait to meet him," he said to Susumu in the elevator that took them down to the ground floor, looking up at him with barely concealed hope. It had been so long since Alva felt normal. These days he didn't much feel like himself, despite what he told everyone else. Alva lowered his gaze to his lap and was quiet for a long moment. The elevator doors opened and he was greeted by the sight of the crowded reception area.

Outside, he breathed in deeply and let the cool air sink down into his lungs. "Who is this person, Susu?" It was safer to ask questions out here, where there were fewer people to eavesdrop. Alva began to follow Susumu to his car, as the wheels of his chair crunched on a few damp pebbles. "Do you think he'll be able to take this mark off? Yoojin said it had something to do with the ancients last time, remember? Does he know one of them or...?"

"He's..." Susumu didn't know quite how to explain who his contact was. Alva knew so little about the ancients that Susumu could fib about it. But... At the same time, his alarms were going off. Yoojin. Of course, Yoojin was a witch and her parents might know something. And if what she said to Alva didn't align with what Susumu said, Alva would end up suspicious. It was best to leave that information as loose but as truthful as possible.

"He's close to the ancients," Susumu finally said. "You could say it's his life's work. And if anybody can do it... or has a way to do it, it would be him, I believe."

"Ah..." In other words, Susumu probably didn't know him that well. Alva was still grateful that Susumu could get them a meeting with the man, though; even that much seemed difficult to arrange. And it took so long as well. Doubtlessly someone with a connection like that must be busy. It wasn't like Susumu was stalling or anything!

"I guess we'll know when we get there!" he said slightly more brightly, as they got into the car (and loaded Alva's folded wheelchair up into the back). He felt better now and he was beginning to get quite excited about meeting this mysterious man connected to the Ancients. Alva wondered what kind of person he was; how did he even get to his position? Was it by chance, or did he seek them out and gain their favor?

As they drove, Alva began to recognize landmarks and streets. "Hey, isn't this--" he craned his neck to look at the next sign. "This is the way to the old library, isn't it?" The last time they went, it was when people began to switch bodies and there had been a giant there. Alva looked at Susumu with some reservations. "We're not going to see the giant again, are we?"

"...Ah."

Susumu let out a soft laugh. Clever Alva. Of course he remembered their last trip to the old library, although he didn't realize the full significance of the area. It was a strong magical area and one that held powerful people within. And it was where powerful people convened, although the ignorant townsfolk weren't aware of that. Not a lot of people liked to visit the old library, preferring instead to visit the newer one down by the schools. This one gave off a sense of foreboding, even to those who couldn't sense magic. Or... identify that it was magic they were sensing.

"Not... exactly." He glanced over at Alva. "It's likely that he'll be there but he's not the one we're going to see. You haven't met Yang yet, have you?"

"Yang? No, I don't think so." Alva tried to recall if he knew anyone named Yang but he couldn't think of anyone that came immediately to mind. Besides, if someone in his life knew that kind of powerful being, he ought to have sensed it at the very least! "I don't go to the old library very much. They... Have too many stairs," he laughed softly, recalling the interior of the place. It was an older building, not made to accommodate those with physical disabilities. The new library across town was infinitely easier to get into.

He looked outside again, through the misty rain, and spotted the old building. "There it is Susu!" Alva gestured excitedly, as though Susumu couldn't see it or something. Now he was really nervous—extra nervous. He was trying not to build up too much hope but... oh... it was impossible not to feel at least a little optimistic about the outcome of the meeting! There had been virtually no leads thus far, and then suddenly Susumu found someone who knew the Ancients and knew about them! It was like a miracle, really.

"Is there anything I should... or shouldn't do? Or should I let you do all the talking?" Alva didn't want to offend anyone in his ignorance; he had far less experience with people of this stature. As he waited for Susumu to unfold his chair so that he could slip into it, he looked longingly at the old building and sighed. Oh... what he wouldn't give to be rid of this mark already!

"Oh, right."

The old library was created long before disabled accessible buildings were a thing. They hadn't succumbed to requests to fix it, either. Older citizens of the town insisted on keeping things as close as they could be to the past. Really, it was quite ridiculous but Susumu supposed a place like Hazleton wasn't bothered about keeping up with modern times.

"He's easily irritated," Susumu told him. "So try not to ask too many questions. He doesn't like having to explain himself."

Susumu smiled encouragingly at Alva and gave his hand a gentle squeeze. "It'll be all right, I promise."

He didn't want to get into the deep roots of the truth; that he couldn't make such a promise. But... it was true that he wanted Alva to remain safe and sound, by his side. Part of him was slightly worried about bringing Alva to Yang at all. There were things... Well, it didn't matter. Susumu had to take the plunge this time. If he didn't, Alva would only have more questions and besides which, it did get him away from Reagan.

"Let's go, love," he said, helping Alva out of the vehicle and towards the tall, dark old building. Susumu made sure to keep a hand on Alva at all times as they entered the musty old building. Checking the time on his watch, Susumu cleared his throat as he approached the front desk.

"Yang," he said quietly.

"Right! Not too many questions!" was what Alva said brightly--overly chipper in his nervousness--but... but he was full of questions! All he had were questions! What could he do to not annoy the man--Yang--but also get all the answers he needed?! Alva supposed that he would have to distill his overabundance of questions down to a few necessary ones...

He followed Susumu into the building, though not after having a little trouble with the darned steps. Then they were inside and Alva was surprised to see that not only was the library open at such a late hour, but that there was a lone librarian manning the desk. The man gave them an inquisitive look as they approached, then nodded very slightly in acknowledgement.

"Staff elevator. Basement room 2C." He paused, looking at Alva--specifically, directly at Alva's arm. Some strange expression crossed his face for a moment but then he schooled his expression back to impassivity.

Alva looked over his shoulder at the librarian as they took their leave. He wanted to ask who that was, if they were here to guard the library but--not too many questions! Alva's inquisitive nature had to be curbed. He said nothing until they were in the elevator and heading down. "I think he knew about the mark." Alva frowned up at Susumu. "He was looking right at it." The mark was even obscured by Alva's jacket and he still stared at it as though he could see it.

"What?" Susumu hadn't caught the look that Alva had been given but once Alva alerted him to it, Susumu turned narrowed eyes back toward the librarian, unhappy that he was piquing Alva's suspicions. Gently, Susumu stroked the back of Alva's head, down his neck and his shoulder.

Doubtful, he wanted to say, if only to alleviate Alva's discomfort. However, Alva had already proven much smarter than Susumu originally took him for. In some ways, it was a welcome and pleasant surprise. In some ways, it made some things that much more troublesome. Instead, Susumu said quietly, "The magic is quite powerful, Alva. I'm sure he sensed it, that's all."

He didn't want to admit that the man behind the counter knew more about that magic than Alva did. If Susumu was careful, Alva would remain ignorant to the uglier side of his predicament. Susumu didn't want to harm him, after all. He just wanted a partner worthy of himself, a partner that was strong and resilient inside, even if at first glance, he seemed so delicate and broken. For a moment, Susumu felt a twinge of guilt. Was this really the best way to go about getting what he wanted? He regarded Alva as they took the elevator, doing his best not to be too obvious about it.

Alva was one of the most selfless and giving people that Susumu had ever met and it warmed a corner of his dark, cold heart. When he was around him, Susumu almost felt like he was years and years back, when he was still innocent, a child. But that hadn't lasted long. In that, he felt he and Alva were kindred spirits. They both had to grow up so fast.

"Don't worry about it," Susumu said in a soft, velvety tone. "If this goes well, you won't have that to fret about any longer."

"Oh... oh right. That makes sense." Alva leaned into Susumu's caresses, reassured by his effortless reply. Susumu seemed to have just the right answer for everything! It didn't trigger any alarms that he knew it all; for some reason Alva expected him to. Maybe he wasn't looking too far past the easy air of confidence, when he looked up to Susumu so much for what he did in protecting the supernatural community. There was a quality of hero-worship in the way that Alva viewed him and that made it easy to gloss over such small details.

"Thanks Susu. You always know just what to say to make me feel better." He smiled as he sat back, at more ease in light of Susumu's reassurance, only to straighten as the elevator doors clanked open. They were confronted again by the same long, dimly lit hallway that they saw last time. Only now Alva wasn't prancing around in Ryland's body, he was in his own wheelchair-bound one. Susumu was still Susumu, though. That offered him a modicum of reassurance.

Alva held his breath as they approached the door the librarian indicated, and he could feel his palms growing sweatier and sweatier the closer they got. He scrubbed them on his pant legs as they finally stopped before it but—

"That is NOT how this works, Kor'ulach, and you know it! I told you not to interfere!" A man's irate voice could clearly be heard through the door. There was a pause, as if someone was responding, and then the same man gave vent to a loud noise of exasperation. "I can't. It's already been done—he is seeded and no one can remove the—"

Suddenly he stopped speaking and before Alva knew what was happening, the door flew open and a tall man stood glaring at them. "What do you—oh. Susumu." Behind him, Alva saw the long banded tail of what looked like a cat whisking out of sight. The man moved slightly over to obscure his vision. He, too, began to stare at the mark on Alva's arm, quite intensely. "...is this... He's the One? With you?" The man's head snapped up to look at Susumu as though only then noticing him. "Come inside. Come in."

Meekly Alva entered. He felt it now, a magic so ancient that it stifled him. It was everywhere, all around him, pressing against him like a giant hand. He was so overwhelmed that he failed to comprehend what the man said next. It took him a moment just to be able to feel like he could breathe again.

"Why are you here? It's not time yet."

"Of course," he said with a smile. He always knew what to say to soothe Alva's frayed nerves. And Alva, poor thing, had such bad luck that his nerves always seemed to be frayed. It wasn't even all due to anything Susumu did; the world just seemed to have it out for Alva. How he remained so strong despite that was a puzzle in itself but... Susumu continued to smile, gently caressing Alva's hair, the side of his face.

He stopped, however, at the doorway, listening. Interesting. He didn't know the context, but it sounded... interesting. Cocking his head to the side, Susumu intended to keep listening but it appeared they had been noticed. A moment later, the slew of words were cut off and the door suddenly opened to reveal and not very pleased looking guardian. Susumu's smile became a mask, his expression completely without emotion. There could be no shushing or telling the dimwit to keep his mouth shut. The words had already come out. If anything more was revealed, Susumu might just have to revert back to washing away certain memories, which was becoming such a tiresome business.

"I'm here," Susumu said, "to allay my lover's fears."

He gave the other man a knowing Look.

"We were hoping you could help us remove this curse mark."

Another Look.

What the hell was with the Looks? Yang frowned at Susumu, not in the mood to play games. Things were bad enough with... outside interference, without Susumu showing up far too early with his-- "Lover?"

That was. Unexpected. Yang didn't know what to make of that, and for a moment the naked surprise showed on his face. Then he schooled his expression, though the frown persisted. This was probably not a good thing, taking the bearer of the seed as his lover. Didn't Susumu know the risks? He had to at least know how things would end up once the Master came to reclaim the pieces of his soul...

The man in the wheelchair was looking up at him now, with hopeful eyes. Yang could maybe see how Susumu might have made the mistake of falling for him. There was something about him, about the shine in his eyes and the wistful twist of his lips... Sighing, Yang shook his head. "The mark cannot be removed." Which Susumu must have already known, so why the hell did he have to drag his lover all the way down here? Just to get a second opinion? How bothersome!

He turned away to avoid the stark disappointment that replaced the hope. "You two need to get out of here. I'm sorry... there's nothing I can do."

"What?"

Alva's brain seemed to have stalled. He stared at the man who turned away from them, trying to process the cold words. The mark couldn't be removed? The mark... couldn't be removed. But Susumu said that he might know something about it and Alva had been building on that small glimmer of hope for so long. He didn't want to admit it, but a large part of him thought that Yang might be able to remove it, or know how to do it.

And now... he was saying that it was impossible.

There were no words to describe Alva's feelings in the moment. He felt a band around his chest, crushing him, squeezing around his heart. It was hard to breathe, to think, to feel anything other than the absolute and total disappointment of his high hopes falling and crashing and burning. Alva's head dropped. He swallowed hard past the lump gathering his his throat and blinked hard.

"Isn't there... anything? Anything you can tell me about the mark?" He asked desperately, not knowing how he managed to get the words out past the obstruction in his throat. Yang was trying to drive them away but Alva couldn't leave without some answers! It took so long to just get here, only to be met with a blank wall? He leaned forward and pleadingly touched the side of Yang's arm, causing him to glance back. And Alva swore he saw something in Yang's eyes—sympathy, an apology, maybe. He stared up with the stark desperation plain as day on his face. "Please?"

"...I'm sorry." Yang pulled his arm away. "The mark, it's... nothing that you can remove on your own."

"But—are you saying that I'm stuck with it?!" Alva's hand flew to his arm, where the mark was throbbing, hidden under his sleeve. "Forever? Forever?"

"No. Not forever. But I don't know when he will remove it—" Yang cut himself off abruptly as though realizing that he had said too much.

"He? You mean... the ancients?"

"You need to leave." Yang turned back to them and his expression was hard again, nearly an unreadable mask. The sympathy that shone so briefly in his eyes was gone and there was a tone of finality in his voice. "Do not come back. The answers you seek can't be found here."

Slowly, Alva shook his head. He took in a breath but it sounded ragged in his own ears. "I..." He wanted to insist on answers. He wanted to shout—scream—that this was his life! This was his life on the line, and he mattered! Even if to an ancient or to this man Yang he might not, he... he mattered to himself, to the people who loved him like Ryland and Susumu and Yoojin and... even to Rae. There were people whose lives were irreparably altered by this, the least of which was Alva's own! How could Yang turn him away now, without making any attempts to help? Alva wanted to be angry, indignant, offended, but all that there was was disappointment.

He didn't even look at Susumu as he turned his chair silently towards the door, easing the unwieldy contraption out of the room. He didn't know what to say, what to think, and he didn't think that he could hold in the myriad emotions flashing through him if he looked up at Susumu. Alva didn't want to see the disappointment on his face or the pity in his eyes.

Fuck. He should have communicated better. He should have known better than to try and spring something like this on an idiot that took things far too literally. That was the problem with these non-human entities. They didn't understand a damned thing when it came to a nuanced expression. All he had to do was lie but no, he was sitting there, spouting out the truth to somebody that couldn't handle hearing it right now. Susumu's expression soured altogether as he stared at Yang in hatred and irritation.

Of course, he knew that Yang nor his compatriots could do anything. But the point to this visit was to stir the false hope within Alva. Not to utterly crush his spirit.

Quickly, he schooled his expression into something more sympathetic when he turned back to Alva. But Alva wasn't looking at him. He was leaving the room, completely dejected. Once he was out of the room, Susumu turned to Yang with a venomous look in his eyes, his mouth a straight, bitter line.

"All you had to do was lie, you simpleton."

Yang's expression was as sour as Susumu's at being called a simpleton, which he was adamantly NOT. As the door closed behind the unfortunate, disappointed man in the wheelchair, Susumu seemed to adopt an entirely different personality altogether. One would hardly believe that this was the same man who came in at the side of his so-called lover. Crossing his arms and completely unrepentant, Yang scoffed.

"It is not my job to lie for you," he said loftily, raising his head slightly. "You're not even supposed to be here! I refuse to mop up after your messes. Any of you." The guardians who were placed at the sides of the creatures carrying the master's soul shards were... difficult. Pests, really. Yang wished that there weren't so many of them to have to deal with, each with their own set of issues. Pah. Humans. They were more trouble than they were worth, really.

"At any rate, you'd better leave before--" He trailed off. The air grew cold around them and Yang's head snapped up at the sound of a clatter outside. He heard, faintly, the man in the wheelchair calling for Susumu.

Click

The door latched behind him as he eased his chair out of the doorway and out into the hall outside. Susumu didn't follow him, but Alva was too despondent to really notice. Vaguely he heard voices from inside, muffled by the closed door, and assumed that the two men left in the room were discussing something private--something that Alva wasn't privy to.

It didn't matter anyway, what they discussed. Alva supposed that Susumu was trying to get more information on his behalf, since Yang wasn't forthcoming with what he knew. All he could say, repeatedly, was that the mark wasn't coming off. No one could help him; only the Ancient who cursed him could un-curse him.

Alva's head dipped low. He brushed the heel of his palm across his eyes, where a wet, warm heat was gathering. Slowly, he bent forward with his face in his hands and gave vent to silent tears. Alva had never felt so much despair, so much grief. He gulped, then let out a ragged gasp of air as a sob tore itself from his throat. Muffling the noise into his hands, his fingers curled inward until the nails scraped against his forehead and temples.

It was so... hopeless. No matter what he did and where he turned, there was always a dead end. There was always something beyond his ability to fix, an obstacle too difficult to scale or a wall too high to climb. Normally Alva, who was cheerful and bright and optimistic, tried to find the silver lining in the storm clouds but this time there was no silver lining. There was no hope.

These were powers beyond even his comprehension and he didn't know how any of them--even Susumu, powerful though he was--could overcome this. Could they fight the Ancients? Persuade them to change their minds? They couldn't even find one! There were so many more questions than answers that riddled his thoughts that he didn't even know where to begin looking for a solution.

After a moment, he lifted his head. Brushed the tears away, because crying when things looked helpless wasn't in Alva. Even with hopelessness settling like a boulder on his chest, he didn't want to whimper. He didn't want anyone to see him being this weak because while his life seemed apparently over... others still had to live. Those around him, the ones he loved, had to carry on and he didn't want to be a burden on them any longer. Ryland, Yoojin, Susumu, all of them had spent weeks trying to help him, putting their own lives on hold.

He brought out his phone and with a heavy heart contacted his cousin Ryland. The only thing that Alva could do now was to keep him safe--keep them all safe. That meant pushing people out of his life that he loved more dearly than himself, cutting them off and keeping them at arms' length so that what happened to him wouldn't happen to them. Alva didn't know why he had been chosen for this curse but he knew that he could never let anyone else go through what he was going through.

The air grew cold around him suddenly. Alva's phone fell from his nerveless fingers as the elevator doors swung open, all the way at the end of the hallway, and a singular figure stepped out. The breath froze in his lungs as their eyes met across the distance separating them and Alva's heart clenched in his chest. The figure raised a hand and completely against his will, Alva stood. The legs that refused to work for him gained strength; the severed nerves in his spine fired as he stepped forward on his own.

"S-Susu!"

Without being told, he knew who the man was at the end of the hall. He knew what the man wanted him to do. Shock evolved into a full-blown panic as Alva's body moved of its own accord, stepping slowly forward. The only part of his body that he had control over was his head, which he turned frantically to the left and right, dumbly trying to express his dread. No... no he didn't want to do this. He couldn't.

Suddenly the door behind him opened. Alva turned his terrified eyes onto Yang, pale-faced as he stood in the doorway. Yang bowed deeply to the man at the end of the hall. "Susu!" Alva cried out again, hearing the panic inside infusing his rising voice. Distraught with fear, Alva could do nothing but continue to move forward, even as his shrill voice filled the once-silent hallway.

"Susu help! Help me! Don't let him take me Susu! Please! Hel--"

With a flick of the wrist, the man silenced him. Alva's eyes dulled; his mouth grew slack. The world turned black. He walked the length of the hallway and came to a stop behind the man. The master. Together they walked into the elevator, whose doors closed on their own without a single button press.