"Ahh... shit..."
Aaron let his phone drop onto the couch beside him with a long sigh and ran a hand over his face. He covered his eyes for a moment with his palm and stared into the darkness behind his closed lids. Shit. That conversation with Judah didn't exactly go the way he'd planned. Actually... he had no plan going into it, since Judah hit him up first, but the latter half of their exchange seemed to go rapidly downhill.
Or... uphill?
He didn't know if he should be happy or not. When Judah left, a lot of lingering feelings remained. It wasn't like they'd parted on bitter terms. Judah had a lucrative job offer that was too good to pass up some years ago and Aaron was needed back home in Hazleton. How long ago was that anyway? Two, getting close to three years? A long time, actually. They kept in touch but Aaron always felt a little uncomfortable having to sit on his feelings around Judah. He was a plain man, not a nuanced or subtle one. His thoughts, his heart, both were kept on his sleeve.
Well. Whatever. He couldn't take back what he said. Part of him was relieved just to get the words out, and part of him hated that he was potentially getting between Judah and his new... partner. Aaron wasn't the petty type or he would've felt good about what Judah confessed; as it was, all he felt was maybe a little bit guilty towards the other guy. It wasn't like he was asking to get back together, either. Aaron had so much on his plate with Danny's disappearance—and the disappearance of those other kids—that it was all he could focus on.
After a moment he got up, shuffled into the bathroom and ran the taps until warm water gushed out. Aaron washed his face and then stared at his dripping reflection for a long moment. His heart ached. It was hard to carry the torch for somebody so far away, for so long, and until today—until his confession earlier—he never realized how taxing that really was.
"Shit, Aaron," he muttered to his own reflection, before wiping the water off with a towel and re-entering his living room. His eyes caught immediately on the large cork board set up against one wall, where pictures of the missing kids and case notes were pinned in profusion. Aaron wandered over to it and ran his gaze along the various papers, newspaper clippings, photographs and hand-written notes. He'd perused these more than a hundred times over by now, but a lot of things still weren't connecting.
Maybe Judah could connect the dots, add a fresh set of eyes and some new perspective...
Time passed without his knowing it, as Aaron mused over more case files. When his phone rang again, he absently picked it up and then gave a start. Judah. Was he here already? Aaron glanced outside, where the sun was beginning to set. Wasn't it just morning? Flinging down the manila folder that he had in his other hand, Aaron hastened outside to let Judah into the building—the lobby door was locked so that only those who lived in the building could get inside. His heart pounded and his palms felt suspiciously, nervously sweaty. Jesus. What the hell was wrong with him?
He felt like he was twelve again, going on his first date.
Aaron licked dry lips as the elevator doors clanked open and hurried over to the front door to push it open, feeling strangely breathless. As he realized a moment later, he'd completely forgotten how to breathe when his gaze fell onto an all-too-familiar—yet oddly foreign—figure.
"Babe, I've got a last minute job to take care of!" Judah called from the bedroom when he heard the front door unlocking. His heart leapt into his throat when he heard the sound and his palms grew slick with sweat. Guilt. Why did he feel so damn guilty?
Oh, he knew why. He knew exactly why... His heart beat even faster as he heard the sound of a jacket being shaken off, boots being kicked gently into a corner. Biting his lower lip, Judah froze. He held his breath, almost as if by doing so, he might turn invisible and Alejandro wouldn't see him. No such chance.
"What? Why? I just got back!" Alejandro's expression fell when he saw that Judah was packing. Coming over to him, he wrapped his arms around Judah and leaned into him. Judah felt sick to his stomach, as if he was hiding something major from his partner. And he... sort of was.
"I know," Judah said softly, gently touching one of the hands around his waist. "But this is important. I promise, I'll tell you everything when I get the chance."
"What? You're leaving and not telling me anything about it?" Alejandro pouted and Judah laughed, reaching up to pinch his cheek like an old auntie.
"You don't get to pull that card on me," Judah informed him. "Especially since you aren't allowed to tell me jack shit half the time, either."
Alejandro groaned and threw himself onto his side on the bed beside Judah's trunk. "Well, that's true... Can't argue there."
And he couldn't because it was true. So... so there!
Still, there was a mounting feeling of guilt as Judah finished packing up. When he closed his trunk and lifted it up, he looked down at Alejandro for a long moment. After a moment, he leaned down--it would have been weird not to kiss his boyfriend goodbye, even though his mind and heart were currently elsewhere. His heart beat faster as their lips met and a hand snaked around the back of his neck to deepen the kiss. It only made Judah feel worse.
"Something's definitely off with you," Alejandro said when they pulled apart. He touched his fingertips to Judah's lips. "But don't tell me any lies. Just tell me what you need to tell me when you can. Yeah?"
"...yeah. Yeah." Judah nodded in agreement. And then not long after, he was leaving, with Alejandro following him, giving him one last kiss and a little pat on the ass for good measure. He winked.
"Don't you forget about me while you're gone."
As if he could. But... maybe Alejandro was right to say it. Taking a deep breath in, Judah took his packed trunk and he headed out to his car with a heavy heart.
--------
When he arrived, he hesitated for a moment before he finally let Aaron know he had arrived. His heart was aflutter. How long had it been since he saw Aaron in person? If somebody here was impossible to forget, it was Aaron. Those eyes, that neat and tidy hair that Judah loved to muss up... His voice. Sometimes at night, he could still hear his voice resounding in his head and it still made his body react.
Finally, he made the contact, letting Aaron know he had arrived and then he grabbed his trunk and headed over to the door. Why was he so damn nervous about this? Maybe he should have gone for the hotel after all. Swallowing hard, he waited for the door to open and when it did, he wasn't prepared to see Aaron standing there. All thoughts of anything blew out the window as he stared at him, feeling like he was inside a waking dream. Love you. I love you.
His chest felt so heavy but somehow... so light. He couldn't stop himself from smiling when he saw him there. He couldn't stop himself from letting the trunk drop with a loud thud beside him. He didn't even want to stop himself from moving forward and enfolding his ex-lover in a warm embrace.
"I missed you so much," he said, voice barely a whisper against Aaron's shoulder.
"Hey Jude~"
Stupid joke. Totally the wrong time for it. Aaron didn't even know why that was the first thing to come out of his mouth.
Old joke. Their old inside joke that wasn't really an inside joke because the leap from 'Judah' to 'Jude' wasn't actually that far and didn't everyone of a certain age know that famous song? But he liked it. Judah liked it. It was theirs and nobody could take that from them, not--time or distance or a new boyfriend.
Aaron's arms were out before he realized that they were out. No mistaking that gait, that look, the way that Judah threw down his luggage or the haste in his steps as he came up. Aaron's arms were out because he wanted to hold him, to close his hands around a fistful of Judah's shirt, to clutch them so tight that his hands shook.
His heart ached abominably.
He didn't know how much it took out of him to miss someone for so long, to love them and not be with them when everything--heart, mind, body and soul--knew that they belonged with him. Nobody ever came close to Judah. There were short-lived relationships here and there, but Aaron didn't want to settle. He didn't want to be with someone that he couldn't see himself with long-term. Commitment wasn't a problem for him but he wasn't going to short-change himself or the person that he was with so he had a night here and a night there with whomever caught his eye. But his heart, it longed for Judah.
"I--" love you. I'm still in love with you. "--missed you too."
His cheek was pressed against Judah's shoulder too, face turned towards him. He breathed him in, a scent that Aaron no longer knew but still... comforting. The body in his arms was a little different too, maybe a bit more filled out. The hair was different, cut stylishly in that 'city slicker' way Aaron always joked wasn't for him, but his smile... His smile was the same.
Aaron felt like he'd been stuck in time all these years. Still dressed the same, had his hair the same, parted on the same side, neat and tidy. Still drove the same old jalopy, although he'd upgraded to a slightly larger apartment--but only because his old one was knocked down to make room for the new clinic. He was still here doing the same old things, unable to move on--not without Judah.
Judah grinned despite himself. The old jokes were like a comforting blanket; he had a history with Aaron that he didn't have with Alejandro and to be honest, he never wanted to have. There was a difference between loving somebody and being in love, in his opinion, and there was both in a single person. That was how it was with Aaron. The fact that they fell right back into step the moment they met again just said it all.
For a long moment, he just settled into the embrace, not wanting to let go. Aaron was like coming home after a long time away from it. No, not like it. He was.
Sometimes, he wished he hadn't done it. Hadn't taken the job in the city. Sometimes, he was so homesick for Aaron that he nearly called him. Sometimes, he did but there was always a strain between them. Maybe it was guilt for leaving. Maybe it was just how much he missed Aaron.
But Aaron didn't want to follow him and Judah couldn't see himself staying in one place for the rest of his life. He wanted more out of life than Aaron seemed to want. He always had been something of a homebody but Judah, he wanted so much more. He wanted his career to soar and he wanted to see new places. All of that, but he missed Aaron the whole time. God, he wished that Aaron wanted the same things, that he had come with him.
Even now, he wished it. Even with his arms wrapped around him. Because he was here in his arms now but for how long? After this, Judah would leave, go back to his city life and leave him behind again. Which was exactly why he didn't want to let go. But he made himself, after a beat too long. He wanted to kiss him so badly, too. The urge was there, as natural as breathing.
"It's been way too long," he said as he pulled back, giving Aaron's arm a squeeze.
"Yeah." Aaron cleared his throat but his voice still came out rather gruff and rough. He cleared it again as Judah squeezed his arm but it did nothing for the loss he felt when they separated or for that embarrassing little tickle in the back of his nose.
Because Aaron knew, deep down in his heart, that they were meant to be together.
Everything slotted into place for them. It was easy to be in love, to be loved by Judah. They seemed to gravitate towards one another from the start and falling in love with each other was as uncomplicated as 1+1.
But Judah wanted more out of life than a tiny little podunk town, with its outdated police station and all paths leading to buttfuck nowhere. He was meant for greater things, bigger cities, brighter lights. Meanwhile, Aaron's homebody heart was firmly rooted; he couldn't leave his family, his little brother, to go gallivanting off to have adventures unknown.
In the end, they broke apart and broke up. Aaron was left here, heartbroken; he imagined that Judah was heartbroken too, wherever he happened to end up. It was hard for both of them to acknowledge their differences but when their relationship buckled under the pressure and strain, it was no longer worth it to destroy everything they had built together just to spend one more night in each other's arms.
Aaron couldn't keep Judah; Judah couldn't take Aaron with him.
Now Judah was back, though—of his own accord. It felt just like old times, except everything was out of sorts. Finding Danny was a preoccupation, a mania, nearly an obsession with Aaron. He barely slept or ate, growing thinner, haggard, more testy and irritable by the day. Today was the first day that he even felt a touch of happiness, all thanks to Judah.
"Ahem! Let me. Let me get that for ya." He reached down to pick up Judah's suitcase, recalling when they first met, that Judah had made gentle fun of his hometown twang. Aaron turned to lead him into the apartment lobby, narrowly avoiding taking his hand. Habit. He kept his free hand in his pocket, to curb its naughty desires.
"This way. I got everything ready. Figured you oughtta sleep on the bed since you came out all this way, so I made up the couch for myself."
"Oh! Uh... thanks."
He smiled politely as Aaron took his things. Sleep in the bed... He put up a hand and shook his head.
"Oh, no, that's fine. I can take the couch."
Honestly, it wasn't just to be altruistic, either. The thought of sleeping in Aaron's bed was almost too much. Knowing he slept there every night, taking in his scent every time he turned over... He would just end up tossing and turning all night. The couch... was better. More neutral. He just didn't want to explain it all, better to just sound like he was still being overly polite. It was already too much that he was staying with Aaron and not at one of the small hotels and inns that dotted the small town.
"About... about your brother," he said, because there was no way to broach the topic delicately. There was no natural segue into it that he could picture or envision in his mind. Time was everything and they both knew it.
"Tell me everything you know," he said, suddenly serious, doing away with the polite smiles. Yes, time was really ticking and every day, every hour that passed meant another step in the wrong direction. Standing there rubbing the back of his neck and murmuring over who should take the bed versus the couch... that could wait. He was really worried and he knew... knew that despite everything between them and their history... that none of this had been easy for Aaron. As soon as Judah heard about it, he knew that. And he had to be here. Especially after they said they called off the search.
"No, you came out all this way," Aaron insisted, because that was what Aarons did. They insisted. He hadn't thought through his offer to the evening, when Judah would have to actually lay in his bed--without him. But that was going to be better than laying in bed with him because... well...
Aaron would have insisted all night if Judah hadn't had the good sense to distract him from the topic. Immediately his expression grew dark and solemn. Aaron didn't speak until they were in the elevator headed up to his apartment, though, as he tried to collect his thoughts. "You probably already know what they're reporting in the news, so I won't start from the very beginning."
Judah was thorough--he was good at what he did, and he would have already read all the press clippings, same way Aaron had. He sighed and leaned against the wall of the elevator as it lurched upwards. "I haven't been able to find out much about his actual disappearance. He was playing around near the old library when he disappeared, so I went in there to ask around, see if somebody saw or heard something. Nobody heard anything." Aaron frowned as he looked over at Judah, shaking his head.
"You ever heard Danny to go anywhere without making a ruckus? Especially against his will? Seems suspicious that no one had any info, doesn't it?"
"Yeah," he said, solemn and somber as Aaron. The subject of a missing child was a serious one, no matter who the child was. Even more so when that child was somebody close to his heart. Judah still remembered Danny's big, goofy smile and his perpetually sticky hands. The kid always seemed to have his hands in something they didn't belong in. But he was a happy kid. He was a loving kid, a beloved kid. The fact that he should go missing and in such a short time, the search was called off?
Suspicious. Judah had been antsy upon hearing about it but the moment he heard the search was called off, he knew he couldn't just sit back and do nothing. He had to reach out to Aaron. He had to lend his hand, and give his all into finding Danny. He had to, there were no other options, regardless of the job and the lover he left behind. Aaron still came first, even after all this time. Aaron and his family. They still felt like his family.
"The old library..." Judah frowned. There had always been something off putting about that old library. Just walking through the doors made the fine hairs on his arms and the back of his neck stand on end. Judah used to laugh it off as he didn't like old buildings but... Now he suspected there was more at play here.
"All of it's too suspicious," Judah said. "Everything I read... it didn't match up, not with what I know about Danny... and about Hazleton. Something's definitely afoot. I say we go to the library ourselves. Have you gone yet?"
"Yeah. No signs of a struggle, they said in the papers." Aaron shook his head again. No way that sounded like Danny, to give up without a fight. Aaron taught him better than that--if he was grabbed, he had to make a lot of noise, to shout and scream and holler and fight, scratch and bite and do everything he could to attract attention, to escape. He taught Danny never to trust strangers either, or to turn his back on them.
The elevator jolted as it came to his floor and he pulled Judah's luggage out into the brightly lit hallway. "Yeah," he said as he led the way down the hall. "I went there as soon as I found out the location. That's where they told me nobody heard anything at the time of the disappearance." And that just didn't add up at all.
"Somebody's hiding something."
That much was obvious and he almost winced at himself for saying it aloud. Of course Aaron KNEW that already. There was something not right going on around the missing children. Danny wasn't the first and he likely wouldn't be the last, either. Something had been going on in the town for some time, as Judah noted when he looked through the paperwork that he compiled before coming to see Aaron. When he said something was afoot... something was most definitely wrong.
The old library had always been kind of a creepy place. Judah, who enjoyed reading, never really liked visiting that library. He preferred the school library and in the summer, he just begged for new books from the shop downtown. Anything to avoid that old library. Now he was starting to see that the urban legends that surrounded it might just be rooted in something real.
"Do you remember the old stories about the library?" Judah asked Aaron as he kept pace with him down the hall, though his voice was low and hushed in case somebody was listening in on them. "You know, how they talked about kids disappearing inside the library every ten years?"
In lieu of a response, Aaron opened the door to let Judah inside before tugging his luggage in and then entering himself. The lights were all on; he'd rushed down as soon as Judah texted him that he had arrived. Kicking off his shoes but placing them neatly in the rack by the door, Aaron was silent and thoughtful. There had been stories swirling about every part of the town, as far back as when he was a kid himself. The old library, the graveyard, the woods by the school, that giant manor which housed the Hazleton clan...
"All the files from the station were gone." He finally said as he led Judah into the living room, which doubled as his base of operations. The large cork board with all his notes, newspaper clippings, photographs—everything he could get his hands on was on display. "The old files I mean. About missing kids, about the old library. Somebody took them and I'm betting they destroyed them."
Aaron parked the luggage by the side of the couch and then sat down. Slowly, he put his head into his hands and massaged his temples with his thumbs, feeling drained and exhausted just thinking about all the work that there was left to do. With so much evidence missing, putting together a coherent case was nearly impossible.
"This is everything I could get."
"Wh-what?"
The old files were gone? Destroyed? Judah struggled with the thought; the corruption that it meant. Somebody was really covering their tracks. And if they were destroyed--at the very least, the fact that they were missing...
"An inside job?"
Just saying the words left a nasty taste in the back of his throat. Somebody within the community. Somebody high up. Somebody in law enforcement? Or somebody that had easy access to those files. How long had they been missing? Had they ever even been there? Ten years ago... He ran through the missing kids of the past as he looked over Aaron's work. His fingertips passed over a yellowed newspaper clipping about a kid named Lara Mueller.
"I remember her," he said. "I remember when she went missing."
Ten years ago. It felt like a lifetime ago. She was around their age. One day, she was there, the next day, she was nothing but a newspaper story, a missing poster plastered on an old pole.
"Have you talked to their families yet?" he asked, turning away from the cork board. He said it delicately because, well, it was a delicate thing to ask. It was a delicate task, to interview families of missing children, whether they had gone missing around the same time as Danny or whether they went missing ten years ago. The wounds were still there, festering.
"Yeah," Aaron said to the coffee table, after a deep sigh. It shocked him too, when he first discovered the cover-up. Only problem was, he didn't know who took the files and digging too deep was dangerous to his health. The only people who had permission to remove files from the filing cabinets AND from the secure system—not just access and read them—were those in a position of power. He didn't have to think too hard about who might have taken them.
But that didn't mean Aaron couldn't investigate on his own, which was why he swiped the files he had now and then did his best to cover his tracks. Luckily, a friend in administration helped him with that, at great personal expense and risk. Well, Aaron sorta felt bad about that one but his desperation knew no bounds by the time they announced that they were calling off the search.
"Yeah. She lived down the street from us, I remember her mom inviting us over for Sunday dinner now and then."
Aaron remembered Lara as a giggly girl with blonde pigtails, always peering in on him and his friends. She was the snoopy type—took after her father, who worked for the local paper. All the kids knew she was a snoop so it probably wasn't a surprise that she was taken. Probably got into something she shouldn't have, everybody said at the time.
"Not yet." His reply was short, clipped, terse. "Don't want to show my hand until I have something concrete."
What did all the missing kids have in common? Lara, Danny? The others? There had to be a connecting thread between them all. Judah knew there had to be; it couldn't just be random, could it? Senseless? But... it seemed like the connecting thread was snooping. Getting too close to something. That didn't make sense; why only children? Judah flexed his fingers, tense and aware of it, trying to relax.
"I can't blame you."
Judah hesitated a moment, then slowly moved over to take a seat beside Aaron. He reached out and gently squeezed a knee. Somebody in a position of power knew what was happening, at the very least. At the worst, they were a part of it. Either way, if this watchful entity was aware of Aaron's refusal to drop the case, then he could be in danger next.
"Have you found any missing reports on adults around the same time?" he asked. "People that were looking into it before us?"
He was no good to Danny behind bars.
Aaron wasn't afraid of what could happen to him but the stakes were too high for him to start loudly announcing that he was looking into his brother's disappearance. Folks around here talked. Rumors and secrets abounded in sleepy little Hazleton, so it would only be a matter of time before Aaron, too, disappeared.
He did what he could from the shadows though. He watched, listened, skulked about in the shadows, hoping to find any little shred of information that could lead him down the right path. It was hard work; sometimes it was dispiriting and disappointing and frustrating, but Aaron knew that he could never give up. He was also constantly vigilant, knowing that one lapse could mean the end of all of his hard work.
The answers he gave Judah were short because he didn't have much and he knew it, and it hurt him down to the marrow. No witnesses, no evidence, nothing to go off of except a handful of vanished children and an old library. Aaron had planned to return there sometime at night to investigate the building properly, but almost as though the higher ups knew his intentions, suddenly he was flooded with work at the precinct. He would have quit just to be able to devote all of his time to Danny but being a cop had its perks and he needed access to the station and to its records.
He tensed as Judah's hand landed on his knee but the gesture lent him a small amount of comfort. Aaron finally looked up and over at him. "What you see there is what I have." Whoever wiped the files at the station had been thorough. Anything remotely close to these suspicious disappearances, past and present, had been removed. Aaron followed all the leads he could; he tried everything, tying in every lead and every tiny speck of evidence and all it amounted to was a handful of pictures--and memories. At least they hadn't taken his memories from him, and he had meticulously recorded everything he could recall onto the board, in the notes pinned at the very bottom.
But memories weren't enough. Notes and scraps of newspaper clippings weren't enough. Aaron took in a deep breath and let it out on a five-count. "Tomorrow night I'm going down to the old library. I'm going inside to see if I can find anything in back and downstairs. You remember, a few years back their pipes burst and flooded the main floor, and they moved a bunch of stuff down into storage? Most of it is still there. Maybe we can find some older newspapers and articles down there."
"You bet your ass we'll find something," Judah said, pleased that Aaron included him in his search. For a second, he really thought Aaron was suggesting that he was going to that old dank library by himself to get lost like everybody else! Not that everybody that went around the library disappeared. It just was no longer a favorable place to go and there was just something plain repulsive about it.
But he'd go with Aaron, whether he was invited or not. He didn't come all this way--all the way across the continent!--just to sit out on the benches while Aaron did all the legwork.
"We're going to find him. Between the two of us, there's practically nothing we can't do. I just wish all that data wasn't wiped. I'd have more myself but my precinct doesn't have jurisdiction here... which I'm guessing you already knew."
Even if he had come from Portland, though, it wouldn't have mattered. The files were gone. Judah regarded Aaron for a long moment, wishing that they weren't just talking work, wishing... He slowly took his hand away and ran it over his own dark hair, not caring that he was messing it up.
"What about Mr. Mueller?" He looked up suddenly. "He must have investigated after Lara disappeared."
Judah was here so Aaron would have been stupid not to make use of his skills. Besides, Judah had always been better than him at... just about everything related to police work. Aaron didn't have confidence that he could make it in a big city but Judah was more than up to the task; he'd already made it in New York. If anyone could help solve this, Aaron was sure that Judah could.
He looked back at Judah but his heart felt sour. It wasn't geared towards him, it just... was hard to have him, but not really have him. There were still so many feelings simmering underneath, feelings he didn't have the time or the energy to explore even with Judah sitting right beside him. It wasn't appropriate, anyway—Judah was with someone else now, there was no way to get around that fact.
And Aaron? He had to find Danny before he even thought about a relationship.
But somehow it didn't stop him from starting to reach up, to neaten Judah's hair a touch, before he started and Aaron pulled that hand down real quick. "I think he did, when Lara first disappeared, but nothing came of it from what I recall. If there's nothing at the library, maybe we should start interviewing people." That meant showing his hand but hell, Aaron was reaching the end of his patience at this point. Anything to get a solid clue... he'd do anything, even sell his soul to the devil himself.
Something in Aaron's eyes killed a part of Judah. It was that guarded look. Earlier, there was naked love in his beautiful eyes. Now, he was shutting him out and Judah understood why. He lowered his gaze, not able to handle that shuttered look in his lover's eyes. Ex-lover. Should he have broken things off with Alejandro before coming out here? He loved Alejandro but he didn't love him like he loved Aaron--like he would always love Aaron. But... what would it accomplish, really, for him to break up with a steady boyfriend in the city where he lived, worked, and thrived? Where Aaron wouldn't go to be with him?
Focus, focus, focus, Judah.
He looked up, surprised by the light touch to his hair--before Aaron snatched back his hand as if Judah's hair was on fire.
Right. Back on topic. Judah fought the urge to touch his hair again or to take Aaron's retreated hand.
"The library is a good start," he said, trying to pull himself back into the present. "It's where he was last seen... And there's always been something weird about the place. I don't even know why it's still standing. Didn't the mayor try to have it demolished back when we were kids?"
Focus, Aaron. Eye on the prize.
Danny.
They were here because of Danny and for Danny--not for each other. That ship had set sail.
"Yeah." He cleared his throat softly to bring himself back into the moment. "They... tried to knock it down but some out of towner made a large donation, remember, and they had it turned into a heritage site? That eyesore's been up there ever since."
But now he wondered about the timeliness of that donation, and if it was mere coincidence or if there was higher design. It seemed suspicious... but everything seemed suspicious to Aaron now. Sighing, he ran a hand through his own hair and then leaned back against the couch. Outside a storm had moved in and rain soon pattered against the windows, as if knocking to get in.
"All that can wait until tomorrow though. You must be tired." Shit, he should've waited to brief Judah. After traveling all that way, he needed a shower and sleep, not for Aaron to be sighing all over the place and almost-touching his hair. "You should rest. I'll get you all caught up tomorrow and we can go out to the library together."
"Oh yeah..."
He frowned. And who the heck was it that paid that donation? Why an out-of-towner? Back then, he just thought it was one of those hippy types from Portland trying to preserve old buildings. They did a lot of that, restoring things, all that. But the eye-sore was still here and it hadn't really been renovated or preserved or anything. It was just... there.
"Only a little jet-lagged," he confessed as he leaned back against the sofa. Since Aaron was relaxing, it seemed okay to also relax a little. It wasn't doing any of them any good sitting there stiffly talking in stilted sentences about... Danny. That was why they were here together, of course, but there was nothing they could do as the evening stretched on and a storm moved in. They were stuck here for the night and Aaron was right; he could use a shower and some sleep.
But there still seemed to be something in the air, hanging between them. Turning toward Aaron, Judah rested his arm against the back of the couch and regarded Aaron for a long moment.
"What I said over the phone... all of it... it's still true."
Think about nothing else except getting Judah a shower and some sleep. But even those every-day innocuous things were traps because there were memories associated with them. Showers. Bed. Judah stepping through the steam that fogged up the bathroom mirror, reaching for him and pressing him against slick tiles. The god-awful creak of his old bed that let everybody know what they were doing.
Showers and bed.
Getting clean, getting rested.
Maybe it was futile to try and resist. Aaron never got over Judah, and by Judah's own admission that feeling was more than mutual. Yet, circumstances got in the way. There was a new distance between them and an awkwardness that was never there before. Aaron's gaze skirted just past Judah's face; he swallowed, trying not to notice the arm slung over the back of the couch. So casual. How did he do that, when his next words were so damning?
Aaron didn't know what to say. There was someone else in Judah's life--though no one important. Or maybe he was only important in Aaron's absence. But Judah wasn't here to stay, was he? After they found Danny--and they would find Danny--he'd be gone. There would be distance again, awkward texts, strained phone calls. Longing and pining for someone who lived half-way across the country wasn't how Aaron saw himself living out the rest of his days.
But undeniably, if it wasn't Judah Hyunh, his whole heart wasn't going to be in it. Whoever slept in his bed next would only be important in Judah's absence.
"You should get some rest." He had to shut it down now, before things got too dangerous--before it was too late to turn back. Aaron's expression softened as he met his own desires half-way and reached up to sweep back Judah's hair, gentle fingertips grazing his forehead and temple. The lingering touch was almost too much in and of itself, though. Aaron swallowed his own impassioned words, right there at the tip of his tongue, and let them sink right down into his belly.
"Right..."
His voice was soft. Should he have kept that to himself? Why did it feel so important to tell Aaron that he still had feelings for him? Was he hoping that something would happen between them while he was here? It wasn't fair to Alejandro but... Was it ever fair for Judah to be with Alejandro when he knew Aaron existed?
He wished the situation wasn't so tangled. Judah would happily fall back into a relationship with Aaron if he didn't believe it would be doomed to failure later. Because sooner or later, they would have to part ways again and then they would be nursing broken hearts all over again. Or continuing to nurse hearts that were still broken.
For a brief moment, though, he allowed himself to just close his eyes and enjoy the light, brief touch from Aaron. Just for a moment. He wished it wasn't so short-lived, that they weren't tiptoeing around each other. The reason Judah even brought up how he felt was to clear the air. Why let it keep hanging between them? But Aaron didn't seem to agree. Maybe Aaron was right. Maybe bringing it up was a mistake.
"Yeah," he said with a heavy sigh. "I should... I'll wash up."
He forced himself to get up off the couch, away from Aaron.
Aaron knew about Judah's feelings because they were his own; they had both exchanged far too much earlier already. The incriminating texts were still in Aaron's phone but they both knew that it would have been wrong to act on them. Or... Aaron did. He sensed that Judah was looking for a different reaction than the one he got, but it was already too late. In the brief moment that Judah closed his eyes, Aaron wanted so badly to lean in and to kiss him, to rekindle those old flames.
Pained by their stilted interactions, he was half glad that Judah got up. It gave him something to do, too—stand up, straighten his clothes, turn his thoughts towards more practical actions like getting Judah situated and settled in his apartment. "The bathroom's the first door on your left," he said as he loitered awkwardly still by the couch. "Feel free to use anything in there."
Meanwhile maybe he'd make some tea. It was too late for coffee and Judah would need a good night's sleep if they wanted to get an early head start in the morning. Aaron turned his gaze toward the windows, with the rain lashing against them so hard that the noise was almost startling. "That storm moved in quick, didn't it?"
"Yeah... all right."
Not that he imagined he'd be using much other than good old soap and water and some shampoo. (Although at home he would have used more product on his hair and skin... He didn't expect Aaron to have those things and he had been in too much of a rush packing to add anything extra like that. Maybe he would buy some later in town.)
He moved toward the bathroom, though he paused as Aaron brought up the storm and its sudden appearance. Judah turned around to see Aaron looking out the window, observing said storm.
"They usually do around this time of year, right?" Judah asked, though he had never seen one just show up like this. Then again, he didn't know if it had been brewing on and off all week, as some Oregon storms tended to do before going full out like this one.
Aaron wasn't much of a fussy guy so good clean soap and water sufficed for his showers, which were usually quick and to the point, much like he was. There was shampoo and conditioner (2-in-1 of course), nothing name brand or expensive, but everything usable and affordable. He thought he had a freshly laundered towel in there too, although maybe not. Aaron owned two bath towels which for him was somewhat extravagant given that he lived alone. The occasional guest did stay over though, so two towels was more practical.
That storm though. It came in so fast that Aaron swore he blinked and it went from relatively calm to a roaring tempest. He shrugged lightly, not altogether convinced that this was the time of year for flash storms. Those happened but not with this sort of violence. "I suppose," he replied absently, not wanting to read too much into the weather. Not when there were more important things to be concerned about!
Turning away from the window, he headed for the kitchen. In passing, he gave Judah's wrist a gentle little squeeze and smiled softly at him. "Go shower. I'll make some tea."
Once he was finished with his shower, Judah stuck around in the bathroom for a good long minute or two more than he strictly had to. He wasn't sure what to do with himself. The whole way here, he had been in pretty good spirits for somebody coming to help his ex-boyfriend search for his missing little brother. Now, things were really starting to settle into his bones.
What did he think was going to happen? Judah had never been put into a situation where he would even think about being disloyal to somebody but the problem was that he still thought of Aaron as... his. Not like his property, but like his boyfriend. If he had to pick one over the other, wouldn't he choose Aaron over Alejandro?
Which only made him feel guilty; if Alejandro knew everything, that the person he was helping was an ex... He looked over at his phone, which was sitting on the counter. Picking it up, Judah let Alejandro know he made it to his destination safely. He felt even more guilty when Alejandro responded immediately and enthusiastically. With a sigh, Judah had to tell him, no, no, don't call, don't face time, don't. And he felt even more guilty. It was just mounting. For a moment, he held his breath, half expecting stubborn Alejandro to call him, for the phone to start ringing. Then, before it could, he muted it.
Eventually, he emerged, clean and somehow more tired than he had been before he went in. Running a hand over his face as he entered the kitchen, he said, "I hope you really made that tea."
The problem with tea, as Aaron was learning, was that it was depressingly hands-off. After he put the electric kettle on to boil--which consisted of filling it and pressing a button--that was it. He got mugs, some tea bags, put the tea bags into the mugs he found... What else was there to do to occupy himself with? Even if he put both hands over his ears, he couldn't shut out the sound of water running in the bathroom. The apartment was only so big and sounds traveled between the thin walls.
He hated how aware he was of everything. No, not everything--everything that had to do with Judah. The place on the couch he sat in just moments ago, his suitcase hanging out in the living room, his shoes by the door... Aaron ran a hand over his face, feeling haggard and worn. He loved Judah. Not saying it earlier felt like a mistake, when Judah told him as much in plain language. Aaron didn't have to look through his phone to remember what Judah said to him. He even heard it in Judah's voice, saying the words...
"Fuck."
He turned and slammed a hand onto the counter, then curled the fingers inward. Fuck. Maybe it was a mistake to have Judah here but... Danny. He needed the help. He really couldn't do this on his own and he couldn't trust anybody else. Aaron looked up as the kettle finished boiling and poured the hot water, and then... that was it. He went over to the couch to wait, jiggling his leg like a kid who couldn't stop fidgeting.
"Huh?" His head snapped up when Judah finally came out of the bathroom, looking freshly showered and still somewhat damp. Aaron swallowed. "Yeah. It's in the kitchen." He stood up and walked closer--each step felt like a step closer to his own death. Close to Judah he smelled the soap and the shampoo (and conditioner). Aaron swallowed again. Gently his hand brushed Judah's for no reason. For no reason.
"It's... this way."
A hand brushed his. Just a brush. It felt like it left a brand, though. A palpable mark, a sign, a new tattoo. Judah looked down at it, as if he could see it, what he left there. It was hard to tell what Aaron was thinking, what he wanted. Judah tried to bring it up--their conversations from before. Aaron was so quick to shut it down, though. Probably for the best, he thought, but then he was here, so close that he could kiss him if he wanted to. And he did want to.
"Right."
Tea. There was tea. Not that it would do much for his jangled nerves. Not that anything could do much for those jangled nerves.
Why was this so difficult? So strained? Because of the distance that had come between them? The knowledge that there was somebody "back home?" Strange to think of New York City as home now. Yet he was here, and it was almost like he never left.
Instead of going for the tea, his hand reached out for the hand that brushed his and he held onto it, fingers curling around that familiar hand. He didn't even know what he planned to do with it. Just that it was there and he didn't want to stop himself.
"Aaron..."
No reason. No reason to do it, to touch Judah's hand as though he thought he was hallucinating and needed the reassurance. No need to get that close when the kitchen wasn't even along the way. Aaron couldn't remember a time when it hurt so much to be with someone, and at the same time to be so heartbroken to be without them too. With and without Judah it was hard to carry on, so he was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
What was he to do?
He hoped--wanted--to be stronger than this. Aaron was a good person, a kind person. He wanted to make his mama and his pops proud of him, and he wanted to be someone Danny could look up to. All his life, he was the good guy, the good cop, the one taking care of others. But there was no reason for this. There was no need to put himself into this position...
And Judah, he... The way he said Aaron's name, it...
THUD
He pushed Judah against the nearby wall--not violently but suddenly. Lips clashed in desperation as he poured all of his frustrations and pain and longing into the fervid kiss, his free hand rising to tangle in Judah's hair, grasping at the still-damp strands.
When Judah said his name like that... when he looked at him like that...
Though the rest of his words never passed his lips, it was as if they found Aaron telepathically. All he apologies and affections, all the things that were written and thrown away, all the things that were started but not finished. That was them; they started but they never really finished, did they? There were goodbyes and a breakup but it never felt final. Something inside Judah still felt attached to Aaron, even miles away.
Out of sight, out of mind, they said. And maybe it was true... in a way. Without Aaron close by, dealing with a new job, a new city, new people, new everything, it wasn't as hard to adjust to another "new" thing. Not having Aaron. It... would have been harder to stay here and know he was here, know they could run into one another, know that they kissed here, that they sat together there, that they held hands at that park.
It was easier, probably, for Judah. But it wasn't easy.
And he knew it wouldn't be when he came out here, to see Aaron's face again, to hear his voice again, to see the old place unchanged as it was. He didn't want to admit it but coming here was also an excuse--to see Aaron again and... he didn't know. Or he didn't want to acknowledge it. But this. This. Aaron's hands in his hair, his lips against his, his body pressing him to the wall...
Judah could hardly breathe. It felt like a dream or an illusion. Fragile, like it could all disappear in an instant. A buzz in the back of his head told him he should push him away and make some stupid half-hearted attempt at being proper.
He didn't. He ignored it. God, he loved Aaron so much. With all of his heart and soul. Even his body remembered his touch, reacting instantly as he pressed back, as if he could merge their material bodies into one, the way it felt like their hearts had done so long ago. Judah pulled him closer, whispering his name. His hands were like some kind of extension of what he wanted to do from the start, to hold him and in equal measures touch him, to feel that this was reality, that Aaron was really in his midst. Whispering his name again, he kissed back with matching fervor. And he was saying the words that he held onto, that never really went away.
"I love you, Aaron." I missed you. I needed you. But I love you. It said everything.
No. Nononono.
His mind was screaming no but everything else only remembered how good it used to be when they were together. Neither of them went into the relationship half-assed so they were together in every sense of the word. Aaron worked hard at the relationship as he did in every other aspect of his life. He wanted it to last. He wanted it to last so bad...
But it didn't last, and he learned a hard lesson. Sometimes not even hard work and determination could overcome certain obstacles. Sometimes life didn't work out and he just had to deal with it. Not everything turned up roses... and that was okay.
This?
This wasn't okay.
He didn't want to--to make a cheater out of Judah. That wasn't who Judah was and it wasn't who Aaron was, either. With a gasp he pulled back, wrenching himself out of Judah's arms. "I'm--I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't--" He stepped away shaking his head, shaken to the core. No. This wasn't right. "I'm sorry," he kept repeating it but it didn't make that ache inside go away. Swiftly Aaron turned his back to Judah, almost wanting to hug himself as though that might help him keep all the pieces together.
"I--I'm. I. I'm going out. For a while." He needed some fresh air, needed some of that cold wind in his face.
Fuck.
Everything felt so right. And then... it wasn't. Aaron was moving away, turning away from him. And even though he reached out for him, Judah felt like Aaron was... ashamed of him. Maybe himself. And Judah... He swallowed hard, licking lips that still tasted of Aaron. His heart wrenched in his chest and this time when he reached out, his fingertips brushed Aaron's back, then his shoulder, as if he could just make him turn around.
"Aaron," he said again, wishing he could explain it all away. He thinks I'm a scumbag. And his heart plummeted further because he knew that he was. What kind of person ignored their actual boyfriend to be with their ex-boyfriend?
"Don't go. I'm sorry."
No, this--it was Aaron's fault. He pushed Judah to the wall and he kissed him because he wanted to. Because he loved him so much that it overrode all of his principles and morals and bypassed the part of his brain that said that Judah wasn't his anymore. There was a whole other life left behind in New York, that Judah had built for himself. It shouldn't take one kiss to ruin all of that, just because Aaron... loved him.
That was the other lesson he learned. Love wasn't always enough.
He felt the brush of Judah's hand on his shoulder but he was already moving further away, moving towards his coat and slipping it on. Aaron paused. Swallowed hard. "Don't be sorry," he said at last, glancing back at Judah only to see that he looked as pained as Aaron felt. "It's my fault. I just." His hands curled into fists in his pockets.
"I love you too, Judah. But we. Should focus on finding Danny." Aaron turned away, head low, lump in his throat. "I'll be back soon. Don't wait up for me. You... should rest. Tomorrow we'll go talk to folks, see about that library." What was he even saying now? He didn't know. Finally Aaron headed for the door, not wanting to look back just to see--what was still there, waiting for him. This love, maybe it just wasn't meant to be.