Say it if you mean it

[Sullivan Bennett]

Food. Food always made things better. They could chat over food and pretty much everything felt safe and normal. Sully dug into the meal as well, encouraged by the buzz in his head and the warmth in his belly. But it sure seemed like that for a person bringing up the coming out business, Levi was now playing Mr. Artful Dodger on the subject. Sully raised a brow at him before taking an over-exagerrated bite of a fry.

"I kinda..." He sheepishly shrugged his shoulders and grinned. "I never really thought of myself as in," he tried to explain it. There was never anything that said what he was couldn't be allowed. He grew up without a care for either gender. Romance was kinda the last thing on his mind. And then when the hormones hit, it was just natural for him to be himself.

"But I mean, if you're gonna come out... gay pride's the time to do it." He winked. "With flair."

[Levi Yoon]

Levi winked back." Indeed with flair." He fingered snaped two guns at Sully's heart. He took a few fries and dipped them in the ranch. "I mean is this really coming out?" He looked away, "We are together and Kinley was with us but I mean this doesn't change tomorrow or the next day for me. I'm not making it like some big thing changing status or anything." He took another bite feeling like he didn't have to talk if he was eating.

He was not good at this "talk about our feelings thing" he had no idea what was going on inside him, was it the fact that Sunny looked so feminine he liked him or was it because he was a guy? Levi didn't have answers to these questions yet. he was still exploring things.

Sully was his childhood friend so they talked as kid and feelings were made but now he was questioning his entire existence. He felt like he was barely holding on at times. But not right now, right now he was having a great time with his best bud he felt like a million bucks.

[Sullivan Bennett]

Yep, flair. Sully flipped his feather boa around the back of his shoulder to emphasize just how much flair he had. It was about as goofy a response to those finger guns as he could muster. Part of him felt a little apprehensive bringing up this topic, though. Carefully, he picked out a few fries and then stuffed them into his mouth just to have a reason not to speak immediately. Neither of them did the whole feelings-talk thing. It was just implied most of the time that they were friends and that was pretty much the end of it. (Even if Mr. No-Touchy let Mr. All-Touchy touch him all the time. Sully knew better than to just read that as romantic interest.)

In fact, he sort of went out of his way to make sure his best friend felt safe around him. He could read the cues. If Levi wanted him to back off, he backed off. If Levi needed a minute away from a crowd, he knew that intuitively, too. He just knew. Just like for a while now, he was pretty sure Levi had been looking for a way to come out. And now... he had.

And it wasn't as earth shattering as he imagined, was it? For Sully, it wasn't. But he never really imagined that it would be. Everybody knew he was a great big open book. Besides, he never said he didn't like girls either. It was a weird grey area.

"So... wanna hear something funny?"

[Levi Yoon]

"Ah, Yeah I wanna hear something funny when do I not want to?" Levi jabbed back with. His cheeks puffy from the fries he was like a little hamster with fat cheeks.

A lot had changed since the two hung out and Levi was ready to share with is best-bub but it might not want to be heard, Levi had never talked to Sully about liking someone so now that he was out and had a crush he was going to want to gush with his best friend not knowing he would be hurting his feeling and breaking his heart. He was so blind to Sully's true feelings he just thought that was Sully he was like that with everyone.

Not once did Levi think it was because he liked him in a different way. They had a special relationship, it was one of a kind and Levi loved him to death he would never want to miss lead him.

He did a head shake side to side as he ate another fry waiting to hear something funny.

[Sullivan Bennett]

Sully laughed, partly from nerves and partly because Levi looked like a squirrel getting ready for the winter. Raising a brow, Sully went for another fry and tried to buy a little extra time by swirling it around in some horsey sauce. Not a good idea, really, because Sully didn't even like it. He made a face as he bit into it. Hey, who brought the horsey sauce to the table, anyway? (It might have been him--Sully kept thinking it would eventually "grow" on him.)

"Okay, so it's not exactly FUNNY..."

The way Levi was looking at him, it seemed like he was expecting an actual joke. Sully meant funny in a different way. Like how it was funny when somebody asked somebody else out right after they moved on and got a boyfriend. That kind of funny. Not that Sully was that worried about that in regards to Levi. Slanting his gaze aside, Sully cleared his throat and then darted another look back at Levi.

"I had a crush on you once," he finally said, a wry half smile forming on his lips. Ah yes. That whole thing. So funny. Haha.

[Levi Yoon]

Still not getting it he looked at his best friend as he ate the fry with the horsey sauce and it looked like he was going to turn green but he at the french fries and shared with him the not so funny, funny thing. And it was a little fuuny but not. Levi Laughed at first the stopped, "Really? Why?" He blurted out. "I'm a mess why would you like me?" He thought it had to be a recent thing I mean they just started to like others right? Or was Levi a late bloomer? He felt like it would have been within the last five years and Levi's father had been gone for almost two years now. And Levi has been a mess the whole time. How could anyone like someone like him?

Levi felt like it was him that pushed his father away? Well him and Eli he felt like he never wanted to be a father and maybe Levi was the reason his parents fought all the time and his mother having Eli was the straw that broke the camels back. He felt like he had to grow up then and there the day his father left. He had to be "the man" for his father. But he was a kid and he needed to just be a kid and not worry about things like that.

"I'm sorry for laughing I just can't see why ANYONE world like me of all people!"  He was dramatic this time with his words and his hands he might be letting his emotions take over right now. He didn't want to talk about his stresses but it might just come out, Levi bit his lip to stop himself from saying anything stupid.

[Sullivan Bennett]

"Dude, who isn't a mess?"

Yeah, sure, Levi had a messy life but they all had their own messes to contend with. Some were more vocal about theirs, some liked to manufacture shit where there was none, and there were people who reached out but kept getting burned. Levi didn't get a fair shake at life--being considered almost a father at his age was no fun. But it was Sully's job to make sure that Levi still lived like a kid. If it weren't for him, Sully was pretty sure that Levi would just be holed up at his place all day, taking care of Eli and sadly leaving behind all his carefree childhood days.

Not like Sully liked to claim the title of child at his age but, you know. Come on. They still had some time before they were expected to shed away those carefree years!

Also, the laugh. That was. Yikes. Sully could feel his ears starting to burn and he lifted his boa higher around his face as if that would help disguise the rising color.

"It was just once," Sully said defensively. "Besides, throw away all the drama for five seconds, Levi. You're good-looking." He sent Levi a teasing grin. "You at least got that going for you."

[Levi Yoon]

He was right Levi just never stopped to think about what everyone else was going through. It was a bit selfish in a way but what was expected of him seeing that he was ALWAYS babysitting and doing shit around the house. Levi never wanted his own kids. Kinda hints why he his after the same sex. No baby making for him no way in hell! Dealing with a teen girl and baby! That's when Levi would opt out of life. Game over, can we reset? Never sleep with a girl never have kids! Easy right? Everyone at some point is having a hard time in life? Without the struggles how do we appreciate the good times?

"Oh, now it was just once! I see I am not good enough to like more than once I see just friend material!" The tone Levi had was so monotone he didn't want to feed into it too much cause he didn't feel the same but a lett hurt that he was making it sound like it was a mistake to like him.

Levi couldn't understand why he was upset if he didn't like him back but it hurt a little. And with the booze in him, it fueled his emotions more so than normal. Pressing his lips together and looking away he tried to fight back tears.

Why the fuck am I about to cry? This is so stupid.

The last part was supposed to make him feel better but it just made him feel worse. "Like, Oh your cute but everything else sucks about you." These words didn't come out of Sully's mouth but that is what he felt. Looked up after choking back his tears. His eyes were a little glossy but no tears escaped.

The grin was too cute Levi smiled back bashfully. "Stop it, I'm not some eyes candy for you all the time creep." Levi reached over and slapped Sully's hand. He tried to lift his spirits or Sully's grin was working some magic. But he couldn't be a Debby Downer. Tonight was Fun an Free time. no baby to wake up to!

[Sullivan Bennett]

"Uh well..."

Taken aback by Levi's response, Sully had no idea how to reply back. Alcohol made Sully a goof but it seemed to really dampen Levi's spirits. Maybe he shouldn't have filched so many mini bottles between the two of them. Sully fiddled with one of the cute little bottles, flipping it back and forth between his fingers. He thought Levi didn't want him to like him forever or be some moony-eyed romantic that never let go of a childish, childhood crush. Maybe he was wrong. Hard to tell what fueled the burst of emotion from Levi.

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't you dare cry, he thought, because he could see that Upset Expression on Levi's face--the one that could very well lead to tears if he wasn't careful. Luckily, Sully's smile seemed to disarm him and Levi smiled back. Relief swarmed Sully and he gladly squeezed Levi closer into a hearty half hug.

"I so didn't say you were my personal eye candy, weirdo. I can't tell if you want me looking at you or not. You, my friend," Sully said with a gentle poke to Levi's chest, "are the king of mixed signals."

[Levi Yoon]

"You, my friend," He said mockingly. "Are right on the money." He pressed his index finger into Sully's chest playing with him. He always seemed to flirt with Sully and vice versa so why didn't Levi notice it sooner?  He started to question his feelings for Sully he never thought about liking him. They were friends and friends don't like friends that weird right?

"I am sad and I don't know why. But the fact you don't still like me hurts for some reason." He started to fiddle with his fingers the booze had him just speaking his mind. If Sully was already onto his mood why not talk it out right? Maybe?

Well, he hoped.

Just then Levi's phone rang and before he even looked at it he knew it was bad. He could feel it in his gut something wasn't right. He gave Sully a serious look and quickly answered.
"Levi, Yoon?" The woman said on the other line.

"Yes, this is Levi Yoon." He swallowed hard.
The tone of the women gave it away before she even said the words Levi started to spin.

"You mother and bother have been in a car accident." He words slowly started to sound like she was in a tin can. He dropped his phone in disbelief he didn't want this to be real. This couldn't be real?

"Levi? Hello Levi? We need you to head to Portland Medical Center. He picked the phone back up. "I'll be there in 10!" He hung up the phone.

"We have to go, My mom and brother!"

[Sullivan Bennett]

"You're kinda slow, you know that?" Sully said, regarding Levi with a grin. If he'd known that Levi would take it so personally that he liked him "once" then he would have just outright confessed at the start. But you know, baby steps and all that. Plus, he didn't want to step in the dookie without an ability to backstep into safer territory.

"Anyway," he started. "You got it wrong--"

He wasn't able to finish the sentence because of Levi's evil phone. Sully made a face and swung away, running a hand through his hair and then walking in a semi circle while Levi answered it. It was probably a good thing he didn't shout into it, thinking it was one of their mutual friends like Kinley. He could tell immediately when he looked up and saw Levi's grey face.

Shit.

"In 10?" Sully asked. "Where? Where are they?" Sully was already taking off down to the street so he could try and flag down a taxi or some shit. "Where the crap is a car when you need one? I'll call an uber."

[Levi Yoon]

"I think you might just be right Sully. But shit, I have a lot going on and dude you my best friend so why would I jump to you liking me." He felt like he would be a bad friend if he assumed that about him. Levi himself didn't see anything special in himself for anyone to like. He dad ran off like he was nothing. Two years will be rolling around soon since he left. Levi will be 2 in April and was his dick of a dad going to call or send a card or show up? NO, Fuck no he didn't want the responsibility of taking care of his own kids. That he didn't even think what this would do to Levi.

He had to stop being a kid and grow up and stop caring about his feeling and put his brother and mothers feeling first. He stopped getting the sleep he needed and the stress just coming it never seemed to stop. Just like right now he thought he had the night to himself with his best buddy Sully. They were opening up and then this call had to happen.

Levi couldn't help but instantly put the blame on himself. If he was home his mother wouldn't have been doing whatever in gods name she was with his baby brother.

"The hospital here!" Is all he got out before Sully was running outside, Levi jumped up and followed him outside but he wasn't running. Then he was back Levi was shaking almost in tears. When Sully returned Levi fall into him hiding his face."It's all my fault" He cried into Sully's shoulder.

[Sullivan Bennett]

"It is not your fault," Sully said vehemently, rubbing a hand over Levi's shoulder and his arm. What, a kid his age couldn't go out and have fun with friends for a few hours without being blamed for whatever happened to his baby brother? Levi's mom never should have hung such a weight on her son in the first place. Sully didn't want to be mean about it but it was her kid, not Levi's. But it was Levi that was the parent.

At the hospital, Sully kept an arm around Levi in case he got light-headed. The nurse at the front counter was good at her poker face when they asked about Levi's mother. Whatever happened to her, it was impossible to get a read off the woman. She just told them to take a seat while she checked on the patient's status.

It felt like a hundred years before somebody finally came into the lobby for them and it was a white-faced older doctor with a concerned look on her face.

"Levi Yoon?"

[Levi Yoon]

He jumped up the look on the doctor's face didn't look good, "Yeah,"

"Can we talk in private?" The doctor said and Levi looked at Sully, "He can come with you." Levi took his best friends hand and followed the doctor to a private sitting room. The room of doom is what he was dreading. Levi sat in the firm chair, uneasy.

The doctor looked at the chats then cleared her throat and the words came out but the didn't sink in. He sat there blankly with no emotions. "Your brother is fine he has a few bumps his car seat saved him but your mother," She paused." She didn't make it."

"Okay." Can I see them?" It didn't click his mother passed and she was gone and she wasn't coming home with him and his brother.

(hits home rn...got me crying)

[Sullivan Bennett]

It felt like something bad was in the air. From the way the people behind the desks were looking at each other to the way the doctor spoke Levi's name. Also, when somebody said they wanted to see you privately regarding health stuff, it usually meant bad stuff. Sully bit his lower lip and fidgeted with the hoodie he'd exchanged for his boa before entering the hospital with Levi. It felt like a disrespectful move to enter the somber mood of a hospital in a colorful feather boa.

Now he toyed with the strings hanging from his hood while he followed the doctor and Levi into a private room. Even though everything was supposed to be calm and cool, to Sully, it felt too clinical. There was something throwing him off. There they sat and all Sully wanted to do was reach out and hold Levi's hand while they waited. His hand twitched, unsure. That would probably be bad form, too. He swallowed hard and sat too straight in his chair, watching the doctor check over the charts like she hoped something new would pop up.

Then the words came.

Sully was too shocked to hold back his gasp and he felt like he'd been pushed. He sat back heavily, head swimming. Accident? Eli was fine but... Sully looked over at Levi, who seemed blank faced. Probably still in denial.

"Holy shit, Levi," Sully blurted out as he reached out to take his hand. "I'm so sorry."