A message for your bleeding heart

[Alva Ren]

9:30 pm

Alva looked up at the round clock mounted on the wall above the tv, twisting the hem of the blanket laid across his lap. A cooking show was on that he wasn't really watching. Butter. Everything with butter in it seemed to look good. Butter was the key to flavor.

10 pm

He swiped a thumb over a smudge on the blank, dark face of his phone.

11:20 pm

Should he call again? Leave another message? Maybe Rae didn't get the first one...

Did he want to be that kind of boyfriend who blew up the other person's phone with a million calls and messages? He called five times earlier... and that was already four times too many.

If Rae didn't pick up the first time, he wasn't likely to pick up the sixth time.

11:45 pm

Alva rearranged the blanket. Looked at the clock again, sighed, transferred his glance back to the tv as his fingertips drummed against the cold surface of his phone. He picked it up and swiped a finger across the screen. One more call. Rae's number was first on the list; his fingertip hovered over the call icon, trembled...

No.

Where was he? What was he doing? Why didn't he pick up? Why didn't he call back? Was he with somebody?

...Rae wouldn't...

And shame on him for even letting his mind go there. Rae wouldn't. Just like Alva wouldn't.

Because they were committed to each other.

Because he meant something to Rae, who could have anybody he wanted, but chose Alva. He chose Alva.

1 am

The tv was still on downstairs in the living room. Alva's parents were out of town and probably good thing, too, with all the fog laying seige to Hazleton. He sat alone, blank eyes on the tv. Butter. Alva wished he had some; it might help that ball of nervous dread sitting in the back of his throat slide down into his churning stomach.

Outside, a vague shadow passed by the curtained window. It paused, then moved along. Alva didn't see it, with his eyes on the tv, but he felt a cold shiver travel up his spine and pulled the blanket up higher to cover his shoulders. There wasn't room in his crowded thoughts to analyze the source of the shiver, or the way that the hairs at the back of his neck stood on end.

Where was he?

1:05 am

Was time slowing down or was it just him? They always said that anticipation was a killer but Alva was already half-dead. He looked down at the mark on his arm, which had gotten darker again. Where was the cream that Susumu gave him? There, on the table beside him. Alva reached for it. Missed. Bemused, as his vision doubled momentarily, he closed his eyes hard. When he opened them again there was only one vial on the table, which he grabbed and hurriedly uncapped. He rubbed some more of the thick potion onto the mark to relieve the itch and the burn, but the real itch and the real burn was deep down inside.

Where was he?

2:30 am

Why didn't he call back?

[Reagan Ryang]

It didn't matter what time it was, he had to at least attempt to call Alva back. Ignoring the obvious pangs and throbs covering his body, he held his breath. The ring of the phone made him feel sick to his stomach and he could have sworn he could feel and hear every single beat of his heart as he waited. Alva just wanted things to go back to the way they were. The whole time that Rae was angry and thinking nothing but revenge and how to lash out and hurt Alva the way he felt hurt... Alva was just...

He was just...

Fuck.

Rae squeezed his eyes shut and then reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose. He could feel the emptiness beside him--it was welcome at the moment. Josh had left, gone into the bathroom to avoid listening to Rae on the phone. He probably knew what it was going to result in. Groveling or some shit. Something that he'd immediately call Rae out for. Pussy or wuss or whatever the fuck he was going to call him.

When the ringing stopped, Rae gave no thought as to whether it was a machine, voicemail, whatever else. He immediately said, "Alva?"

[Alva Ren]

Alva fell asleep in the wheelchair to the drone of the tv, still playing its marathon cooking show. The last thing he did was check his phone--for the thousandth time--before his heavy eyelids drifted closed. His dreams were fragmented things; the fight from earlier in the day, sitting on the bus and being stared at and judged. Rae's angry eyes, growing larger and larger and Alva running--only he wasn't running, but frantically wheeling himself away from the eyes that chased him. Alarms rang loudly in the background, a clamor of noise that chased him--

He woke with a start to his phone going off. Groggily Alva took the call and, yawning, lifted the phone to his ear. Rae. It was Rae's voice and he jolted awake almost at once, dropping the blanket sitting over his lap and ignoring it completely. Alva gripped the phone like a lifeline, like if he didn't squeeze it hard enough, he was going to lose Rae on the other end.

What time was it though? Alva lifted his gaze to the clock. A little after five in the morning! His heart hammered in his chest but he couldn't begin to describe the sense of relief that swept over him.

He had never felt this close to losing Rae before. Sure, there were fights, but nothing like this. Rae always picked up. He didn't disappear for hours, leaving Alva to worry and fret. Rae was easy to anger, but usually easy to appease too. At least... Alva could do it. That flash-fire temper didn't seem to burn too hotly when he was the fuel and Alva never had to worry about not getting back into Rae's good graces.

That just highlighted how seriously he messed up this time, he supposed. Rae still sounded strained and distracted but Alva was just glad to have him on the line. He turned down the volume on the tv and finally let out the breath that he'd been holding since he left that message for Rae. Everything was fine now. It was going to be all right. Alva would work his magic on Rae once Rae arrived and things would go back to the way they were, before Susumu and the curse.

No more secrets, though. No more lies--even little old lies of omission. Alva had definitely learned his lesson this time.

[Reagan Ryang]

Although he didn't want to, he had to hang up the phone and call a cab.

Outside, it was freezing cold, which didn't help his ass or anything else that hurt much.

"Shit," he swore to himself as he looked down at the wounds that he'd been smirking about earlier in the mirror. They were everywhere, too. Would Alva even believe him if he told him that he'd just fallen off a cliff or some shit? Maybe he'd believe he'd gotten into a fight with another werewolf.

Am I really doing this? I'm gonna lie to him? He cast a shifty gaze around and wrapped his arms around himself as he waited for the cab. His breath came out in gentle white plumes as he stomped around for warmth. He quit doing that after a few times--the jolting motion hurt his sore ass. And every time he was reminded of his sore ass, he recalled what he'd done with Josh while Alva tried to call him a thousand times and smooth things over.

"Fuck."

He could hardly believe it had happened. Part of him knew he'd been wanting something like this for a long time: the fucking Josh part. Not so much the shattering Alva's heart part. Honestly, he didn't even want to break up with Alva. Despite everything, he was still stupid in love with him and the whole world had to know it. Even Josh. Rae looked up at the second story of the house behind him. What was Josh even doing right now, anyway? I should have said something before I left. But the way Josh took off after seeing the missed calls, he had a feeling that Josh already knew what was happening.

Did he even care? Was he pissed off or was he just indifferent? Was he just washing this all off his back? Like nothing ever happened? That was the best case scenario, anyway. If Josh didn't give any fucks that they'd fucked, then... he probably wouldn't say anything. Probably not. But if he was angry? Rae looked down at himself, at his clothes, which had been sort of torn apart in some places. On top of that, he probably smelled like sex.

So when the cab arrived, he directed it to his house first. The entire time he drove down the driveway and away from Josh's place, his gaze fixed on his beloved truck. He'd tried to get in but his keys were somewhere in Josh's room and he didn't feel like having some kind of discussion or argument with him right now. After a long moment, he turned away and gingerly positioned himself so his ass didn't sting so fucking much.

"Thanks!" he said to the cab driver. "Hang out here for ten minutes, okay? I'll be right back out."

The cab driver shrugged and cut the engine while Rae jogged up to his place. Every bouncing step... Urgh... He winced, then realized that his apartment key was attached to the car key. The keys were all missing.

"FUCK."

He stood frozen in front of his apartment door, half considering breaking in. Why the fuck didn't he have a hidden secret key under a doormat or in a planter or some shit? For fuck's sake! After a few more curses, he came back to the cab and wearily directed him to Alva's place. Now he wasn't nearly so confident. He felt sick and guiltier than he'd ever felt in his entire life. Five whole years. Five whole years, they'd been together and Rae had been a loyal ass boyfriend. And now look at him. He could hardly believe what was happening. Slicking his shaking hands through his hair, he tried to remember how to breathe.

The cab rolled to a stop in front of a familiar building and Rae swallowed hard. Throwing some money at the cab driver, he stared at the building even as the man drove away. Coughing away the stink of the exhaust, he straightened up his clothes and hair to the best of his ability and then hobbled his way to Alva's place, heart in his throat.

No keys here, either, so he had to knock and wait, feeling like any moment, he was about to pass out from the anxiety of it all.

[Alva Ren]

Alva was pretty sure he was going to pass out waiting for Rae. Never in his life did he feel so jittery and nervous and excited and--and--just... antsy. This felt like one of those make or break moments. Like it was an important moment, a turning point in their relationship. This was the biggest fight they'd had to date and Alva had been forced to confront some demons that he honestly would have rather stayed buried.

It felt like a test. And Alva for one thought that they had passed. Maybe not with flying colors--they both did and said things that they shouldn't have been proud of--but in the end, they pulled through. Alva manned up and did the thing he hated most--apologize. Admit that he was wrong. And Rae said that he wasn't mad, which Alva took to mean that forgiveness was not long in coming.

Anyway, he could ingratiate himself with Rae. Probably with sex. That was his secret weapon, except it wasn't so secret because everybody basically knew that wolves were kinda... well. Enthusiastic, especially ferals, especially around the full moon. It slightly annoyed him that Rae had gone over to Josh's place but those two fought like dogs and... dogs. Nothing could've happened. Rae wouldn't do anything, Alva was almost 100% sure.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when the doorbell rang and flew--rolled--out of the living room and to the front door. Alva didn't hesitate as he threw it open, with a big stupid grin on his face. "Rae!" He flung himself at Rae. Or... the top half of himself at Rae, hugging him tight around the middle. Didn't matter what happened earlier that day. Didn't matter if bitter words were exchanged. Rae was here now.

[Reagan Ryang]

Should he say something or shouldn't he? He thought about it the whole way up to Alva's place. Part of him thought it was stupid to throw away everything they'd built together over five years on one indiscretion. (Never mind that he was sure it would have happened earlier if Alva hadn't interrupted.) Saying something when Alva didn't know, it seemed... stupid. Alva hid things from him, so why couldn't Rae hide one tiny little secret from Alva? That was how he justified it in his mind--but he still felt all kinds of awful when a relieved Alva threw open the door and hugged him.

Shit fuck damn.

Curses raced through his mind but he pushed them away, put of his mind. Instead, he ran his hands through Alva's hair, trying not to think about how different it felt against Josh's. Of course it did. They were different people. Way different people. There was no mistaking that.

I should tell him.

If he said something now, it wouldn't prolong it. But if he kept his mouth good and shut, maybe Alva would never know. Maybe...

For a moment, he remained as he was, lightly stroking Alva's hair, the back of his neck, his shoulders. Then he looked down the hall and decided he'd rather not have an audience. Stepping inside and closing the door behind him, his gaze fell to Alva's arm. Then his hand moved over it.

"So... did you...?"

[Alva Ren]

Ew. Rae smelled like Josh.

That was the first thing Alva noticed as he clung to Rae; he wrinkled his nose in disgust. Of course Rae smelled like the jerk, since he'd been in his house earlier. Didn't mean that Alva had to like it, though. He hugged Rae a little tighter, maybe a tiny bit more possessively, as Rae stroked his hair and neck and back.

Don't be stupid.

Alva didn't have that insane possessive streak that some people did but he wasn't out of line to dislike that his boyfriend had some other guy's scent all over him! (That would change, though. Soon.) He eased back to let Rae enter the darn house and looked down at the arm that Rae touched. "Did I... what?" There was no way to answer the question since he didn't know what Rae meant. Alva's fingertips slid over the back of Rae's hand. "It's better," he said softly.

As he looked up, however, he frowned. There was a small... discoloration on the side of Rae's neck, just peeking out above the collar of his jacket. Alva reached to touch it. "What's that?" A smudge? It was kind of purpley-blue, almost like a bruise or a hickey. Well, a bruise. Rae wouldn't be out getting hickies from strangers (or Josh), surely.

[Reagan Ryang]

"Good," he said, relief flooding his system. At least their stupid fight meant that Alva had been helped. That made it... somewhat worth it. Although he couldn't help thinking that he was really, really in the wrong now. Not only had Alva not been with somebody behind his back the way he thought he'd been but he'd also been telling the truth about that guy and the curse and the way to heal it. If Rae let him go, he could have been healed faster. He frowned to himself even as he remained in Alva's embrace.

But the moment they parted... That was the moment his system went from flooded with relief to pure Guilt, the kind with a nasty capital G.

"Oh." He cleared his throat and looked down at it, too, as if that would buy him any time (or make him sound any more believable.) "I don't..." Know. He didn't know. Hah. That was an obvious lie, though. How did he get a mark like that on his body without... All the swear words were mounting again. And with the guilt came the irritation and he quickly pulled his collar up.

"It's nothing!" he said defensively. "I wanted to go out and fuck shit up, so I did."

[Alva Ren]

"What?" Alva cried in dismay, "You got in a fight?"

And that guy punched Rae in the throat? What kind of asshole punched people in the throat! He could have done irreparable damage! Alva reached up again and even as Rae was tugging up the collar, he was trying to tug it back down to see how much damage had been done.

"Let me see! Did you get hurt? Should I get the first-aid kit?" The first time Alva met Rae, Rae was terribly hurt by a hunter and the old, awful images welled up again in Alva's mind. He felt deeply responsible. Rae went out and got into a dumb fight because of him! Because he kept secrets where he shouldn't have and now God only knew how hurt Rae really was, or how much injury he was trying to conceal.

[Reagan Ryang]

Fuck.

Fuckfuckfuckfuck.

Should he? Shouldn't he? Alva was so worried about him and he was eventually going to see him naked. (Although not for weeks in the light if Rae could help it. There were marks EVERYWHERE! ...And in hard to explain places at that!

Shit! Now Alva was threatening to go for the first aid kit! Rae panicked and grasped onto Alva's arm trying to stop him from wheeling off to grab it. If he stripped him down to try and take care of what he thought was one bruise, he'd be in for a nasty surprise when he saw the rest of him! Trying not to let his panic show, he did his best to smile and reassure Alva.

"It's not that bad, really. I don't need first aid or anything. But... uh, I could use a quick shower? If you don't mind... I left my keys somewhere at Josh's, so."

[Alva Ren]

Well if that wasn't suspicious, Alva didn't know what was! Usually the more that Rae denied something, the more he was covering it up. For the moment, Alva let him go, though he eyed Rae long and hard. Probably got hurt pretty badly, and didn't want Alva to know about it.

It tallied up with what Alva knew of Rae--he would hate to admit that somebody roughed him up, when he prided his own strength so much. Really, it was unnecessary to try and cover up the injuries because Rae didn't have anything to prove to Alva. His ability to take punches and to hit back twice as hard wasn't exactly what made him attractive to Alva in the first place; Alva didn't go in for the dumb meathead types.

"Okay, you can take a shower," Alva said slowly. "But only if you pay the fee first."

He turned his face slightly so that he could present a cheek--for the obvious kiss that he was asking for, as he held the shower hostage from Rae. Alva wasn't giving up, though, on finding out just how badly Rae was hurt. Hey, he was a fox and he had ways of finding things out. Just because he didn't pursue the subject didn't mean that he was letting it go, after all!

[Reagan Ryang]

Oh yeah, he could tell that Alva was totally suspicious of him. Those eyes of his... It was hard not to just say something. It was hard not to tell the truth with those warm, trusting eyes. Even when he was suspicious of Rae's actions, he still seemed so trusting. He's a fox, though. They're cunning. Sly. And some said crazy. Nobody ever thought of them as sweet, innocent, stupid. Alva was sweet and he was certainly an innocent in this... sort of. (He did call into question a few things with that guy and his unwillingness to just trust Rae, thank you very much!) But. Alva wasn't stupid. Rae never thought that for a second.

Just tell him. With your own mouth! His conscious screamed at him even as he mustered up a smile and leaned in to give Alva the kiss he wanted. It was just a gentle kiss on the cheek--a far cry from what had happened not all that long ago. Rae sweated it out a little; he was sure that Alva could smell Josh all over him. Even Rae could smell him, still lingering in the air between them.

He swallowed hard and took a step back, holding his collar up, like Alva was going to dive for it or something.

"I can borrow something to wear, right?"

[Alva Ren]

The way that Rae held on to his collar, it was like he thought Alva was going to spring out of his chair and lunge at him! Alva wasn't that obvious! He smiled his innocent smile and nodded. "Sure, I think some of my dad's stuff will fit you. I'll leave the clothes by the door, you can go ahead and shower if you want." And wash the stink of Josh off of him so that Alva didn't have to smell it too, and be reminded of how biting and vicious Josh's comments always were to him.

He eased the chair out of the room and into his parents' room, where he found a t-shirt and pajama bottoms that looked like they might fit Rae. Alva's father wasn't as tall as Rae, but it wasn't like Alva's things--or his mom's--would fit him! After leaving the clothes outside the bathroom door as promised, Alva didn't stick around. He could have ambushed Rae when he came out of the shower, but that wasn't the fox's way.

No, Alva went into the kitchen and opened the fridge door. He took out three beers, nice and cold, and set them onto the counter. He stared at them, as a sly smile stole over his lips. A satisfying, ice-cold bottle of beer would hit the spot after a hot shower, wouldn't it? And if he plied Rae with enough alcohol, at some point, the beans would be spilled.

[Reagan Ryang]

Relieved and pleasantly surprised how easy it was to get away with cheating, Rae took the clothes and even had the audacity to kiss Alva on the cheek before he headed into the bathroom. Did it even count as cheating if he was moving on, full speed ahead, under the misconception that his boyfriend had left him for somebody else? Probably not. Turning up the heat in the shower, he tossed away his clothes and stepped under the spray. It was so punishingly hot that it hurt. Most of his body stung under bite marks and bruises.

As he soaped himself up, he tried to wash away the wounds as best he could but he wasn't a witch. Werewolves healed faster than humans, yes, this was true. However, they didn't magically heal overnight. It took a little more time than that. (Unless silver was involved but there had been no silver used in their... ah... sexual shenanigans.)

Squeezing his eyes shut, he turned toward the hot water. It was cleansing but it couldn't wipe out his muddled memories of what transpired between himself and Josh. Or the bitterness from his fight with Alva. It was all still there. It was just, in the moment, he was too relieved to let it take up the forefront of his mind.

Once he got out of the shower, he looked at himself in the mirror and his heart sank. The wounds were everywhere. Even in places one wouldn't expect. Like... what did he and Josh do that he had a big mark under the back of his elbow? Quickly, he dressed, trying to cover up as much of his skin as he possibly could. This wasn't like Rae--normally he was all about seducing his boyfriend by wandering around without a shirt or whatever.

When he came out, he didn't immediately see Alva. It wasn't until he made it to the kitchen that he saw him with a few beers. Oh shit. Did Alva want it to be that kind of a night? If he didn't let it go in that direction, though, Alva would be really suspicious.

"So, you want to get me drunk again, huh?"

[Alva Ren]

There he was, just out of the shower. Alva was pleased that he could no longer smell Josh on Rae; the scent was so strong earlier that even from across the room, Alva detected it, with his keen fox senses. Now Rae only smelled like shampoo and soap--clean and fresh, just the way Alva liked him.

"Nope. These are mine," Alva declared breezily as he swept the beers into his lap and made to wheel out of the kitchen, back into the living room where the TV was still low-key playing its marathon food show. "You probably can't handle these, since you've already been drinking and everything, It's better if you get a glass of water or milk or something," he tacked on--very pleasantly--at the last minute, trying not to sound as if he was baiting Rae. There was a subtlety to the fine art of manipulation and reverse psychology.

Although he wasn't a big drinker himself, Alva could hold his liquor. Dating Rae, that was kind of a requirement. Maybe Rae didn't judge him out loud, but Alva was willing to bet anything that he silently judged his pants off every time Alva reached for a soda or a even a glass of water, when he could have "the hard stuff."

Even beer was supposedly "for pussies," as Rae put it that one time at Josh's cabin.