How lovely the silence of growing things

[Mikko Ashby]

"Yeah drastic! Like... oh... forget it."

If Rip wasn't talking about offing himself, Mik wasn't putting that thought back into his mind! Better not remind him that it was even an option... right? Right.

But Rip was right. He might just need time to process all of this and to decide on some things for himself. Mik smiled a touch wistfully as he shifted close and kissed one shoulder softly. "Okay. I'll... I'll go. They put the ward on us so nobody can come find you, right? I guess I can stay at the other place with Lieve and Cori..."

[Ripper Nightshade]

Rip blinked, turning to look at Mik, talking about leaving.

"Ah... no. I... I was going to leave." He looked away. "I still have something to work out with somebody anyway."

Rip was still a golem. Mik seemed to keep forgetting that. There were things golems couldn't do. Like... say, not report back to his superior. Which was part of the reason he had begged to be deactivated. If he went back and he was forced to do something terrible again, he didn't know what he would do.

But he still had to do it; to report back. And he couldn't do it through his psychic connection because apparently Keith had taken that completely in his own hands. There was no safe way to report to Pax except in person--and hope that Keith was nowhere near around when he did.

He was realizing more and more that trial run living here with Mik and his favorite animals... was just a pipe dream. It was a nice dream while it lasted. But like a soulmate for himself, it wasn't for him. Slowly, he sat up. He had planned to rest here but he didn't think it was going to happen, especially not with Mik around.

Getting up, he went into the bathroom and changed back into his clothes. He lied, he thought. About abandoning Mik. He gave him one last look before sticking his phone into his pocket.

"Goodbye, Mik."

[Mikko Ashby]

"Leave? You can't leave!" Mik leapt off the bed but Rip was heading off to get his clothes, leaving him stunned and gaping and just... just... gutted. Hollow. Whatever he thought his pep talks were going to do, it wasn't this. It wasn't to chase Rip away! And the other guys said Rip should stay here, where he was safe! Rip even agreed!

He grabbed a robe out of the nearby closet that was way too small for his body and jammed it on hastily. "No! No goodbye! You're not going anywhere, and you're not working anything out with anybody!" That sounded BAD.

Like maybe he was going to get himself deactivated because Mik wouldn't do it. And uh—fuck no. Fuck. No. Mik was NOT letting him run off to do something drastic! He clung to Rip physically, on the arm, with both hands. "Stay. You have to stay! It can wait, right? The thing you need to work out with the guy. It can wait for a few more days! You're safe and protected here."

[Ripper Nightshade]

"Am I?" he asked. Safe? Protected? Rip still didn't feel it. He hadn't felt safe in... a long time. Since he'd hurt Brayden. Since he killed him.

"Everyone else will be safer when I'm gone," he said. No Keith sneaking through somehow. No Pax, either. Rip had no idea what Pax wanted out of him but he worked for the king, so whatever it was... he couldn't imagine it would be to harm any of the princes. At least he had that comfort.

But Mik was grabbing onto him and desperately trying to make him stay. Rip lifted up his hands to try and remove Mik's hands from his arm.

"It can't wait. I already fooled myself far too long." His tone was wooden, robotic as he said, "Mik, take your hands off me. It's over. It was all just a fantasy." His gaze softened for a moment. "A nice one... but... a fantasy, all the same."

[Mikko Ashby]

"Yes? Yes! There's—all those guys out there and Cori! Cori's a demi-god or whatever, that has to be stronger than whatever assholes you were tangled up with!" Mik didn't let go even when Rip tried to pry him off. He didn't believe that everyone was safer without Rip! Nobody believed that! And besides, it wasn't their safety that mattered right now. What would they do to Rip once they had him back?

Mik wasn't going to try and find out!

"It's—no, that's bullshit! It's not a fantasy! We lived it! For weeks we lived together! How is that a fantasy?" Sure, Aunt Shel disapproved but lots of aunts disapproved of their nephews' boyfriends. Lots of parents were homophobic and did crazy shit to their own kids, too! At least Aunt Shel was willing to give Rip a chance (sort of). At least she didn't kick them out, right? And she would've gotten used to Rip's quirks eventually, Mik was sure of it.

He held on tight, almost vice-like. "It might be your fantasy but it's my life. It's not a fantasy for me so if you leave..." If he left, he would be ruining Mik's life. Not a fantasy, but an actual life. And Mik just didn't think Rip had that in him, that his heart could be so hard that he would abandon Mik after promising that he wouldn't. Couldn't.

"You said you wouldn't abandon me. You're not a liar. You wouldn't do that to me."

[Ripper Nightshade]

"Because it is," he said, trying to push back the heat threatening to grow behind his eyes. How he wished Mik could understand where he was coming from! That he wasn't trying to be a liar or a killer or a destroyer of lives. But he was, because he had. He was lying to himself and everyone around him and he killed somebody, even if it wasn't consciously, it was with these hands of his! And he would only continue to harm the people around him. And the longer he stayed, the worse it would be.

"It is just a fantasy, Mik! I let myself fantasize that I'm a person and that I can live a normal life like a human, with kittens and goldfish and a boyfriend who loves me!" His voice inadvertently broke towards the end of the sentence. He hadn't really responded to that but Mik saying he loved him sank in so deep, deeper than he wanted it to, to the point that it scared him.

"But everyone's forgetting that I'm still a golem. Even I... even I..." His voice was small again, the words not wanting to escape his lips, to pass his throat. "I'm a golem. Somebody still owns me, Mik. Somebody still has power over me and worse than that, so does Keith."

[Mikko Ashby]

"It's not! It's not a fantasy! You have all of those things! You have a kitten and a tank full of goldfish and you have—me! You have a boyfriend who loves you, that part is not a fantasy! How dare you!"

Mik wanted to shake him! He heard the way Rip's voice cracked and it made his own heart crack, too. He sniffed hard, trying his best not to shed any tears. Not that he was too manly or proud to, just that once he started, the hiccups would take over and he couldn't afford to be out of breath hiccuping, unable to argue the point!

He grabbed onto Rip in a tight hug now, because this way it would be harder to pry him off. "You think we don't know that, Rip? You think all those guys out there and me in here, we don't realize what Keith could make you do? What he already made you do? Do you think we don't all know the risks? But we still want you with us! They cast that ward to keep Keith out, they said it themselves—three princes against one guy. The ward protects both of us! We know you're a golem and we don't care. You're the only one who keeps letting that be a thing! You keep bringing that up! Nobody else does!"

Mik shut his eyes tight and clung to Rip harder than ever. "I don't care what the danger is. You can kill me right now for all I care. I love you and I'm sticking with you."

[Ripper Nightshade]

His expression softened and then crumpled at how dare you! He turned his gaze away and blinked hard, swallowing hard. He wanted to just go but Mik wouldn't let him. Why did he have to make this so hard? And now Rip felt like a horrible monster for it. He kept choosing the wrong words and the wrong actions and why didn't Mik see? How bad he was for him and how bad he was at this and how he didn't want to be horrible or a monster?

Now the golem problem, it had not been a problem for him until he met Lieve and realized how bad it was to be a golem. And it became more and more of a problem until Brayden lay dead and he didn't understand how Mik couldn't see why that wasn't a problem and why nobody else saw that was a problem, especially Jack. Especially Jack. They were all so sweet and so nice to him and so understanding and they wanted to lift him so high and all he could think about was... how he was so scummy and didn't deserve any of it.

"But I don't want to. I don't want to kill you. I don't want to kill anyone and I... I did... And I did... I killed somebody so loving and so generous and so selfless... and I don't think he's coming back. I don't think he's coming back, Mik... he said... he said he had to say goodbye. He said there wasn't much time. And nobody's talking about it, how he's gone and I did it and he won't be here anymore. Nobody's talking about how he won't be here."

[Mikko Ashby]

"He's not gone forever." Mik shook his head against Rip's chest, where he had bowed his head. Still not letting go. Never letting go! That stubborn streak in him refused to give up on Rip, not when he knew that Rip loved him, too. He knew it. Rip never said the words but it was in his eyes; it was in his heart. He felt the same way about Mik that Mik felt about him, otherwise he wouldn't be so torn right now.

"Even if he never comes back, his... memory will live on. The lives he touched with his generosity and selflessness and love, they'll carry on his legacy. I don't know what he was like but if he touched all those hearts out there, then he wouldn't want anybody to be moping and pining over him."

Finally he looked up and he cupped Rip's cheek with one hand; the other was still firmly latched on around his waist. "Don't you see? They all forgive you. Even Jack and he... lost his soul mate. Even Jack forgives you because that's how much Brayden Smith meant to him. And if Jack can forgive you then why can't you forgive yourself? Did Brayden save you just so you can walk back out and hand yourself over to Keith or whoever's out there?"

[Ripper Nightshade]

"No..."

Brayden did not save him or ask for the others to protect him just so he could walk back over to Pax and maybe Keith. There was no telling what Pax's part in the plan had been. Maybe he was part of it all along. And Keith... He shuddered inwardly, as if he were there now, his cold eyes on him. Even the idea of being touched by him now filled him with incredible dread and even disgust. He knew he was a bad man, but he was his creator and in his eyes, he had loved him like a god, like a father, like a lover.

And now... Now he couldn't get past the coldness in his heart when he had grasped onto Brayden's throat. Or the hatred, the pure hatred that ran through his veins while he took over his body. Hatred and desperation. He needed... something. Brayden's death. Jack's attention. Something. Something he wasn't getting. Something he most assuredly did not deserve.

"It hurts," he whispered. "A whole lot. I know I just met him but I... had dreams of him and I felt like I already knew him..."

[Mikko Ashby]

"I know it hurts. I know." He hugged Rip tightly again but this time, a real hug and not one born out of desperation and fear of Rip bolting from the apartment. Brayden's apartment was filled with so many curious things, faded and worn things that nonetheless contributed to the overall warm atmosphere. It struck Mik almost immediately when he walked inside, that this was a place where love lived. And it was kind of poetic that in here, his love was helping to save a life.

"It would hurt Brayden all over again, though, if you didn't try your damned hardest to carry out his last wishes. You'd feel a hell of a lot worse if you didn't live every day for Brayden, if you didn't do everything in your power to make him proud of you. Right?

Don't you want to be able to say to everyone out there that... this life Brayden saved didn't go to waste? And if Cori does bring him back, don't you want to be able to look him in the eyes and tell him that you did your best for him, like he did his best for you?"

Briefly he closed his eyes. Having to acknowledge that he—Mik—wasn't good enough to give Rip the motivation he needed to live was a sharp dagger to the heart. It really was. He loved Rip and Rip loved him but they weren't on the same level. Yet. Maybe some day... But if acknowledging that Brayden Smith was the best thing for Rip right now and if that would keep him from doing something dumb, then so be it.

Love was a bitch that way though, wasn't it?

[Ripper Nightshade]

Honestly, he couldn't tell if that was the right way to live or not. Living just for somebody else, it was so selfless. And he wasn't sure if he was really that selfless at heart. Because he knew a big part of wanting to be deactivated was an escape, even if it would benefit others and keep them safe at the same time. And he really wanted to escape.

And so he didn't answer because how could he answer that? How could he say he did the best for anybody when he didn't and he wasn't?

Idly, he patted Mik on the back a few times but he didn't feel like anything was fixed. But maybe if he pretended they were, Mik would stop trying so hard. Rip didn't understand why he kept trying so hard. Because... he loved him. Because... that meant trying to fix things that couldn't be fixed.

[Mikko Ashby]

"If you leave, I'm leaving with you. I'm not letting you go anywhere alone." Mik's expression was grim, lips set in a thin line. A determined line. "If you're going to get in trouble, I'm going to get in trouble with you."

And if he was going to get himself deactivated, well, Mik might have to get deactivated too. He didn't know. It was possible. He was nothing but a dumb human, with dumb human emotions and dumb human traits: persistence, stubbornness, loyalty. Mik wasn't the type of person to run away from a difficult choice, no way, no how. Otherwise he wouldn't be out there saving all those animals, and fostering so many more.

Slowly he moved back from Rip. No, he wasn't giving Rip a choice here. That wasn't his choice to make anymore because Mik was taking his own fate into his own hands. His Aunt Shel would probably freak out if she knew... but he knew deep down that this was something he just had to do for himself. "So. Leave. If you want. I'll be right behind you."

Bring the human.

Mik frowned. "What?" He looked at Rip but Rip's lips hadn't moved. Right? Rip didn't speak just now but he heard a man's voice in his head. "Did... you hear that?" He looked all around but they were alone in the bedroom. Totally alone.

[Ripper Nightshade]

Rip looked back at Mik and his grim expression. His probably mirrored Mik's. Why? Why would he want to follow him? He furrowed his brow and he frowned at Mik, all set to argue when a voice stopped him. It felt like his heart stopped, too. But it was just Pax. Not Keith. Still, he was still the devil he didn't know.

But his eyes widened when Mik responded as if he had heard the voice, too. Rip stumbled back a step from Mik, as if putting physical distance would somehow change things. The shock and surprise became fear; why would Pax want him to bring Mik?

"No," he said aloud to Pax as if that would somehow banish him from his mind. Nervously, he looked around, wondering if it hadn't been in his head at all, that somehow Pax had entered the apartment. How... how did he break through the wards, though? The magic the three brothers used on him... rendered utterly useless because of his... golemness, probably.

[Mikko Ashby]

"Really? You didn't hear that?"

Mik rubbed his temple, which was beginning to throb. Geez. All this arguing was driving him up a wall. He probably imagined the voice then, because he was so stressed out about Rip leaving and everything. Mik thought he was doing so well... Then everything went to shit fast, which left him reeling.

Bring him. Now.

There it was again? Mik actually turned bodily but there was nobody in the freaking room! "I think I need to sit down," he muttered faintly, and staggered over to the bed. He definitely heard it that time! But apparently he was the only one, while Rip looked totally weirded out by him. And scared. Right? That was fear on his face?

"I'm really stressed," he said unnecessarily, defensively.