Find me in the hands of fate

[Judah Hyunh]

"You bet your ass we'll find something," Judah said, pleased that Aaron included him in his search. For a second, he really thought Aaron was suggesting that he was going to that old dank library by himself to get lost like everybody else! Not that everybody that went around the library disappeared. It just was no longer a favorable place to go and there was just something plain repulsive about it.

But he'd go with Aaron, whether he was invited or not. He didn't come all this way--all the way across the continent!--just to sit out on the benches while Aaron did all the legwork.

"We're going to find him. Between the two of us, there's practically nothing we can't do. I just wish all that data wasn't wiped. I'd have more myself but my precinct doesn't have jurisdiction here... which I'm guessing you already knew."

Even if he had come from Portland, though, it wouldn't have mattered. The files were gone. Judah regarded Aaron for a long moment, wishing that they weren't just talking work, wishing... He slowly took his hand away and ran it over his own dark hair, not caring that he was messing it up.

"What about Mr. Mueller?" He looked up suddenly. "He must have investigated after Lara disappeared."

[Aaron Clayton]

Judah was here so Aaron would have been stupid not to make use of his skills. Besides, Judah had always been better than him at... just about everything related to police work. Aaron didn't have confidence that he could make it in a big city but Judah was more than up to the task; he'd already made it in New York. If anyone could help solve this, Aaron was sure that Judah could.

He looked back at Judah but his heart felt sour. It wasn't geared towards him, it just... was hard to have him, but not really have him. There were still so many feelings simmering underneath, feelings he didn't have the time or the energy to explore even with Judah sitting right beside him. It wasn't appropriate, anyway—Judah was with someone else now, there was no way to get around that fact.

And Aaron? He had to find Danny before he even thought about a relationship.

But somehow it didn't stop him from starting to reach up, to neaten Judah's hair a touch, before he started and Aaron pulled that hand down real quick. "I think he did, when Lara first disappeared, but nothing came of it from what I recall. If there's nothing at the library, maybe we should start interviewing people." That meant showing his hand but hell, Aaron was reaching the end of his patience at this point. Anything to get a solid clue... he'd do anything, even sell his soul to the devil himself.

[Judah Hyunh]

Something in Aaron's eyes killed a part of Judah. It was that guarded look. Earlier, there was naked love in his beautiful eyes. Now, he was shutting him out and Judah understood why. He lowered his gaze, not able to handle that shuttered look in his lover's eyes. Ex-lover. Should he have broken things off with Alejandro before coming out here? He loved Alejandro but he didn't love him like he loved Aaron--like he would always love Aaron. But... what would it accomplish, really, for him to break up with a steady boyfriend in the city where he lived, worked, and thrived? Where Aaron wouldn't go to be with him?

Focus, focus, focus, Judah.

He looked up, surprised by the light touch to his hair--before Aaron snatched back his hand as if Judah's hair was on fire.

Right. Back on topic. Judah fought the urge to touch his hair again or to take Aaron's retreated hand.

"The library is a good start," he said, trying to pull himself back into the present. "It's where he was last seen... And there's always been something weird about the place. I don't even know why it's still standing. Didn't the mayor try to have it demolished back when we were kids?"

[Aaron Clayton]

Focus, Aaron. Eye on the prize.

Danny.

They were here because of Danny and for Danny--not for each other. That ship had set sail.

"Yeah." He cleared his throat softly to bring himself back into the moment. "They... tried to knock it down but some out of towner made a large donation, remember, and they had it turned into a heritage site? That eyesore's been up there ever since."

But now he wondered about the timeliness of that donation, and if it was mere coincidence or if there was higher design. It seemed suspicious... but everything seemed suspicious to Aaron now. Sighing, he ran a hand through his own hair and then leaned back against the couch. Outside a storm had moved in and rain soon pattered against the windows, as if knocking to get in.

"All that can wait until tomorrow though. You must be tired." Shit, he should've waited to brief Judah. After traveling all that way, he needed a shower and sleep, not for Aaron to be sighing all over the place and almost-touching his hair. "You should rest. I'll get you all caught up tomorrow and we can go out to the library together."

[Judah Hyunh]

"Oh yeah..."

He frowned. And who the heck was it that paid that donation? Why an out-of-towner? Back then, he just thought it was one of those hippy types from Portland trying to preserve old buildings. They did a lot of that, restoring things, all that. But the eye-sore was still here and it hadn't really been renovated or preserved or anything. It was just... there.

"Only a little jet-lagged," he confessed as he leaned back against the sofa. Since Aaron was relaxing, it seemed okay to also relax a little. It wasn't doing any of them any good sitting there stiffly talking in stilted sentences about... Danny. That was why they were here together, of course, but there was nothing they could do as the evening stretched on and a storm moved in. They were stuck here for the night and Aaron was right; he could use a shower and some sleep.

But there still seemed to be something in the air, hanging between them. Turning toward Aaron, Judah rested his arm against the back of the couch and regarded Aaron for a long moment.

"What I said over the phone... all of it... it's still true."

[Aaron Clayton]

Think about nothing else except getting Judah a shower and some sleep. But even those every-day innocuous things were traps because there were memories associated with them.  Showers. Bed. Judah stepping through the steam that fogged up the bathroom mirror, reaching for him and pressing him against slick tiles. The god-awful creak of his old bed that let everybody know what they were doing.

Showers and bed.

Getting clean, getting rested.

Maybe it was futile to try and resist. Aaron never got over Judah, and by Judah's own admission that feeling was more than mutual. Yet, circumstances got in the way. There was a new distance between them and an awkwardness that was never there before. Aaron's gaze skirted just past Judah's face; he swallowed, trying not to notice the arm slung over the back of the couch. So casual. How did he do that, when his next words were so damning?

Aaron didn't know what to say. There was someone else in Judah's life--though no one important. Or maybe he was only important in Aaron's absence. But Judah wasn't here to stay, was he? After they found Danny--and they would find Danny--he'd be gone. There would be distance again, awkward texts, strained phone calls. Longing and pining for someone who lived half-way across the country wasn't how Aaron saw himself living out the rest of his days.

But undeniably, if it wasn't Judah Hyunh, his whole heart wasn't going to be in it. Whoever slept in his bed next would only be important in Judah's absence.

"You should get some rest." He had to shut it down now, before things got too dangerous--before it was too late to turn back. Aaron's expression softened as he met his own desires half-way and reached up to sweep back Judah's hair, gentle fingertips grazing his forehead and temple. The lingering touch was almost too much in and of itself, though. Aaron swallowed his own impassioned words, right there at the tip of his tongue, and let them sink right down into his belly.

[Judah Hyunh]

"Right..."

His voice was soft. Should he have kept that to himself? Why did it feel so important to tell Aaron that he still had feelings for him? Was he hoping that something would happen between them while he was here? It wasn't fair to Alejandro but... Was it ever fair for Judah to be with Alejandro when he knew Aaron existed?

He wished the situation wasn't so tangled. Judah would happily fall back into a relationship with Aaron if he didn't believe it would be doomed to failure later. Because sooner or later, they would have to part ways again and then they would be nursing broken hearts all over again. Or continuing to nurse hearts that were still broken.

For a brief moment, though, he allowed himself to just close his eyes and enjoy the light, brief touch from Aaron. Just for a moment. He wished it wasn't so short-lived, that they weren't tiptoeing around each other. The reason Judah even brought up how he felt was to clear the air. Why let it keep hanging between them? But Aaron didn't seem to agree. Maybe Aaron was right. Maybe bringing it up was a mistake.

"Yeah," he said with a heavy sigh. "I should... I'll wash up."

He forced himself to get up off the couch, away from Aaron.

[Aaron Clayton]

Aaron knew about Judah's feelings because they were his own; they had both exchanged far too much earlier already. The incriminating texts were still in Aaron's phone but they both knew that it would have been wrong to act on them. Or... Aaron did. He sensed that Judah was looking for a different reaction than the one he got, but it was already too late. In the brief moment that Judah closed his eyes, Aaron wanted so badly to lean in and to kiss him, to rekindle those old flames.

Pained by their stilted interactions, he was half glad that Judah got up. It gave him something to do, too—stand up, straighten his clothes, turn his thoughts towards more practical actions like getting Judah situated and settled in his apartment. "The bathroom's the first door on your left," he said as he loitered awkwardly still by the couch. "Feel free to use anything in there."

Meanwhile maybe he'd make some tea. It was too late for coffee and Judah would need a good night's sleep if they wanted to get an early head start in the morning. Aaron turned his gaze toward the windows, with the rain lashing against them so hard that the noise was almost startling. "That storm moved in quick, didn't it?"

[Judah Hyunh]

"Yeah... all right."

Not that he imagined he'd be using much other than good old soap and water and some shampoo. (Although at home he would have used more product on his hair and skin... He didn't expect Aaron to have those things and he had been in too much of a rush packing to add anything extra like that. Maybe he would buy some later in town.)

He moved toward the bathroom, though he paused as Aaron brought up the storm and its sudden appearance. Judah turned around to see Aaron looking out the window, observing said storm.

"They usually do around this time of year, right?" Judah asked, though he had never seen one just show up like this. Then again, he didn't know if it had been brewing on and off all week, as some Oregon storms tended to do before going full out like this one.

[Aaron Clayton]

Aaron wasn't much of a fussy guy so good clean soap and water sufficed for his showers, which were usually quick and to the point, much like he was. There was shampoo and conditioner (2-in-1 of course), nothing name brand or expensive, but everything usable and affordable. He thought he had a freshly laundered towel in there too, although maybe not. Aaron owned two bath towels which for him was somewhat extravagant given that he lived alone. The occasional guest did stay over though, so two towels was more practical.

That storm though. It came in so fast that Aaron swore he blinked and it went from relatively calm to a roaring tempest. He shrugged lightly, not altogether convinced that this was the time of year for flash storms. Those happened but not with this sort of violence. "I suppose," he replied absently, not wanting to read too much into the weather. Not when there were more important things to be concerned about!

Turning away from the window, he headed for the kitchen. In passing, he gave Judah's wrist a gentle little squeeze and smiled softly at him. "Go shower. I'll make some tea."

[Judah Hyunh]

Once he was finished with his shower, Judah stuck around in the bathroom for a good long minute or two more than he strictly had to. He wasn't sure what to do with himself. The whole way here, he had been in pretty good spirits for somebody coming to help his ex-boyfriend search for his missing little brother. Now, things were really starting to settle into his bones.

What did he think was going to happen? Judah had never been put into a situation where he would even think about being disloyal to somebody but the problem was that he still thought of Aaron as... his. Not like his property, but like his boyfriend. If he had to pick one over the other, wouldn't he choose Aaron over Alejandro?

Which only made him feel guilty; if Alejandro knew everything, that the person he was helping was an ex... He looked over at his phone, which was sitting on the counter. Picking it up, Judah let Alejandro know he made it to his destination safely. He felt even more guilty when Alejandro responded immediately and enthusiastically. With a sigh, Judah had to tell him, no, no, don't call, don't face time, don't. And he felt even more guilty. It was just mounting. For a moment, he held his breath, half expecting stubborn Alejandro to call him, for the phone to start ringing. Then, before it could, he muted it.

Eventually, he emerged, clean and somehow more tired than he had been before he went in. Running a hand over his face as he entered the kitchen, he said, "I hope you really made that tea."

[Aaron Clayton]

The problem with tea, as Aaron was learning, was that it was depressingly hands-off. After he put the electric kettle on to boil--which consisted of filling it and pressing a button--that was it. He got mugs, some tea bags, put the tea bags into the mugs he found... What else was there to do to occupy himself with? Even if he put both hands over his ears, he couldn't shut out the sound of water running in the bathroom. The apartment was only so big and sounds traveled between the thin walls.

He hated how aware he was of everything. No, not everything--everything that had to do with Judah. The place on the couch he sat in just moments ago, his suitcase hanging out in the living room, his shoes by the door... Aaron ran a hand over his face, feeling haggard and worn. He loved Judah. Not saying it earlier felt like a mistake, when Judah told him as much in plain language. Aaron didn't have to look through his phone to remember what Judah said to him. He even heard it in Judah's voice, saying the words...

"Fuck."

He turned and slammed a hand onto the counter, then curled the fingers inward. Fuck. Maybe it was a mistake to have Judah here but... Danny. He needed the help. He really couldn't do this on his own and he couldn't trust anybody else. Aaron looked up as the kettle finished boiling and poured the hot water, and then... that was it. He went over to the couch to wait, jiggling his leg like a kid who couldn't stop fidgeting.

"Huh?" His head snapped up when Judah finally came out of the bathroom, looking freshly showered and still somewhat damp. Aaron swallowed. "Yeah. It's in the kitchen." He stood up and walked closer--each step felt like a step closer to his own death. Close to Judah he smelled the soap and the shampoo (and conditioner). Aaron swallowed again. Gently his hand brushed Judah's for no reason. For no reason.

"It's... this way."

[Judah Hyunh]

A hand brushed his. Just a brush. It felt like it left a brand, though. A palpable mark, a sign, a new tattoo. Judah looked down at it, as if he could see it, what he left there. It was hard to tell what Aaron was thinking, what he wanted. Judah tried to bring it up--their conversations from before. Aaron was so quick to shut it down, though. Probably for the best, he thought, but then he was here, so close that he could kiss him if he wanted to. And he did want to.

"Right."

Tea. There was tea. Not that it would do much for his jangled nerves. Not that anything could do much for those jangled nerves.

Why was this so difficult? So strained? Because of the distance that had come between them? The knowledge that there was somebody "back home?" Strange to think of New York City as home now. Yet he was here, and it was almost like he never left.

Instead of going for the tea, his hand reached out for the hand that brushed his and he held onto it, fingers curling around that familiar hand. He didn't even know what he planned to do with it. Just that it was there and he didn't want to stop himself.

"Aaron..."

[Aaron Clayton]

No reason. No reason to do it, to touch Judah's hand as though he thought he was hallucinating and needed the reassurance. No need to get that close when the kitchen wasn't even along the way. Aaron couldn't remember a time when it hurt so much to be with someone, and at the same time to be so heartbroken to be without them too. With and without Judah it was hard to carry on, so he was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

What was he to do?

He hoped--wanted--to be stronger than this. Aaron was a good person, a kind person. He wanted to make his mama and his pops proud of him, and he wanted to be someone Danny could look up to. All his life, he was the good guy, the good cop, the one taking care of others. But there was no reason for this. There was no need to put himself into this position...

And Judah, he... The way he said Aaron's name, it...

THUD

He pushed Judah against the nearby wall--not violently but suddenly. Lips clashed in desperation as he poured all of his frustrations and pain and longing into the fervid kiss, his free hand rising to tangle in Judah's hair, grasping at the still-damp strands.

When Judah said his name like that... when he looked at him like that...

[Judah Hyunh]

Though the rest of his words never passed his lips, it was as if they found Aaron telepathically. All he apologies and affections, all the things that were written and thrown away, all the things that were started but not finished. That was them; they started but they never really finished, did they? There were goodbyes and a breakup but it never felt final. Something inside Judah still felt attached to Aaron, even miles away.

Out of sight, out of mind, they said. And maybe it was true... in a way. Without Aaron close by, dealing with a new job, a new city, new people, new everything, it wasn't as hard to adjust to another "new" thing. Not having Aaron. It... would have been harder to stay here and know he was here, know they could run into one another, know that they kissed here, that they sat together there, that they held hands at that park.

It was easier, probably, for Judah. But it wasn't easy.

And he knew it wouldn't be when he came out here, to see Aaron's face again, to hear his voice again, to see the old place unchanged as it was. He didn't want to admit it but coming here was also an excuse--to see Aaron again and... he didn't know. Or he didn't want to acknowledge it. But this. This. Aaron's hands in his hair, his lips against his, his body pressing him to the wall...

Judah could hardly breathe. It felt like a dream or an illusion. Fragile, like it could all disappear in an instant. A buzz in the back of his head told him he should push him away and make some stupid half-hearted attempt at being proper.

He didn't. He ignored it. God, he loved Aaron so much. With all of his heart and soul. Even his body remembered his touch, reacting instantly as he pressed back, as if he could merge their material bodies into one, the way it felt like their hearts had done so long ago. Judah pulled him closer, whispering his name. His hands were like some kind of extension of what he wanted to do from the start, to hold him and in equal measures touch him, to feel that this was reality, that Aaron was really in his midst. Whispering his name again, he kissed back with matching fervor. And he was saying the words that he held onto, that never really went away.

"I love you, Aaron." I missed you. I needed you. But I love you. It said everything.