Find me in the hands of fate

[Aaron Clayton]

"Ahh... shit..."

Aaron let his phone drop onto the couch beside him with a long sigh and ran a hand over his face. He covered his eyes for a moment with his palm and stared into the darkness behind his closed lids. Shit. That conversation with Judah didn't exactly go the way he'd planned. Actually... he had no plan going into it, since Judah hit him up first, but the latter half of their exchange seemed to go rapidly downhill.

Or... uphill?

He didn't know if he should be happy or not. When Judah left, a lot of lingering feelings remained. It wasn't like they'd parted on bitter terms. Judah had a lucrative job offer that was too good to pass up some years ago and Aaron was needed back home in Hazleton. How long ago was that anyway? Two, getting close to three years? A long time, actually. They kept in touch but Aaron always felt a little uncomfortable having to sit on his feelings around Judah. He was a plain man, not a nuanced or subtle one. His thoughts, his heart, both were kept on his sleeve.

Well. Whatever. He couldn't take back what he said. Part of him was relieved just to get the words out, and part of him hated that he was potentially getting between Judah and his new... partner. Aaron wasn't the petty type or he would've felt good about what Judah confessed; as it was, all he felt was maybe a little bit guilty towards the other guy. It wasn't like he was asking to get back together, either. Aaron had so much on his plate with Danny's disappearance—and the disappearance of those other kids—that it was all he could focus on.

After a moment he got up, shuffled into the bathroom and ran the taps until warm water gushed out. Aaron washed his face and then stared at his dripping reflection for a long moment. His heart ached. It was hard to carry the torch for somebody so far away, for so long, and until today—until his confession earlier—he never realized how taxing that really was.

"Shit, Aaron," he muttered to his own reflection, before wiping the water off with a towel and re-entering his living room. His eyes caught immediately on the large cork board set up against one wall, where pictures of the missing kids and case notes were pinned in profusion. Aaron wandered over to it and ran his gaze along the various papers, newspaper clippings, photographs and hand-written notes. He'd perused these more than a hundred times over by now, but a lot of things still weren't connecting.

Maybe Judah could connect the dots, add a fresh set of eyes and some new perspective...

Time passed without his knowing it, as Aaron mused over more case files. When his phone rang again, he absently picked it up and then gave a start. Judah. Was he here already? Aaron glanced outside, where the sun was beginning to set. Wasn't it just morning? Flinging down the manila folder that he had in his other hand, Aaron hastened outside to let Judah into the building—the lobby door was locked so that only those who lived in the building could get inside. His heart pounded and his palms felt suspiciously, nervously sweaty. Jesus. What the hell was wrong with him?

He felt like he was twelve again, going on his first date.

Aaron licked dry lips as the elevator doors clanked open and hurried over to the front door to push it open, feeling strangely breathless. As he realized a moment later, he'd completely forgotten how to breathe when his gaze fell onto an all-too-familiar—yet oddly foreign—figure.

[Judah Hyunh]

"Babe, I've got a last minute job to take care of!" Judah called from the bedroom when he heard the front door unlocking. His heart leapt into his throat when he heard the sound and his palms grew slick with sweat. Guilt. Why did he feel so damn guilty?

Oh, he knew why. He knew exactly why... His heart beat even faster as he heard the sound of a jacket being shaken off, boots being kicked gently into a corner. Biting his lower lip, Judah froze. He held his breath, almost as if by doing so, he might turn invisible and Alejandro wouldn't see him. No such chance.

"What? Why? I just got back!" Alejandro's expression fell when he saw that Judah was packing. Coming over to him, he wrapped his arms around Judah and leaned into him. Judah felt sick to his stomach, as if he was hiding something major from his partner. And he... sort of was.

"I know," Judah said softly, gently touching one of the hands around his waist. "But this is important. I promise, I'll tell you everything when I get the chance."

"What? You're leaving and not telling me anything about it?" Alejandro pouted and Judah laughed, reaching up to pinch his cheek like an old auntie.

"You don't get to pull that card on me," Judah informed him. "Especially since you aren't allowed to tell me jack shit half the time, either."

Alejandro groaned and threw himself onto his side on the bed beside Judah's trunk. "Well, that's true... Can't argue there."

And he couldn't because it was true. So... so there!

Still, there was a mounting feeling of guilt as Judah finished packing up. When he closed his trunk and lifted it up, he looked down at Alejandro for a long moment. After a moment, he leaned down--it would have been weird not to kiss his boyfriend goodbye, even though his mind and heart were currently elsewhere. His heart beat faster as their lips met and a hand snaked around the back of his neck to deepen the kiss. It only made Judah feel worse.

"Something's definitely off with you," Alejandro said when they pulled apart. He touched his fingertips to Judah's lips. "But don't tell me any lies. Just tell me what you need to tell me when you can. Yeah?"

"...yeah. Yeah." Judah nodded in agreement. And then not long after, he was leaving, with Alejandro following him, giving him one last kiss and a little pat on the ass for good measure. He winked.

"Don't you forget about me while you're gone."

As if he could. But... maybe Alejandro was right to say it. Taking a deep breath in, Judah took his packed trunk and he headed out to his car with a heavy heart.

--------

When he arrived, he hesitated for a moment before he finally let Aaron know he had arrived. His heart was aflutter. How long had it been since he saw Aaron in person? If somebody here was impossible to forget, it was Aaron. Those eyes, that neat and tidy hair that Judah loved to muss up... His voice. Sometimes at night, he could still hear his voice resounding in his head and it still made his body react.

Finally, he made the contact, letting Aaron know he had arrived and then he grabbed his trunk and headed over to the door. Why was he so damn nervous about this? Maybe he should have gone for the hotel after all. Swallowing hard, he waited for the door to open and when it did, he wasn't prepared to see Aaron standing there. All thoughts of anything blew out the window as he stared at him, feeling like he was inside a waking dream. Love you. I love you.

His chest felt so heavy but somehow... so light. He couldn't stop himself from smiling when he saw him there. He couldn't stop himself from letting the trunk drop with a loud thud beside him. He didn't even want to stop himself from moving forward and enfolding his ex-lover in a warm embrace.

"I missed you so much," he said, voice barely a whisper against Aaron's shoulder.

[Aaron Clayton]

"Hey Jude~"

Stupid joke. Totally the wrong time for it. Aaron didn't even know why that was the first thing to come out of his mouth.

Old joke. Their old inside joke that wasn't really an inside joke because the leap from 'Judah' to 'Jude' wasn't actually that far and didn't everyone of a certain age know that famous song? But he liked it. Judah liked it. It was theirs and nobody could take that from them, not--time or distance or a new boyfriend.

Aaron's arms were out before he realized that they were out. No mistaking that gait, that look, the way that Judah threw down his luggage or the haste in his steps as he came up. Aaron's arms were out because he wanted to hold him, to close his hands around a fistful of Judah's shirt, to clutch them so tight that his hands shook.

His heart ached abominably.

He didn't know how much it took out of him to miss someone for so long, to love them and not be with them when everything--heart, mind, body and soul--knew that they belonged with him. Nobody ever came close to Judah. There were short-lived relationships here and there, but Aaron didn't want to settle. He didn't want to be with someone that he couldn't see himself with long-term. Commitment wasn't a problem for him but he wasn't going to short-change himself or the person that he was with so he had a night here and a night there with whomever caught his eye. But his heart, it longed for Judah.

"I--" love you. I'm still in love with you. "--missed you too."

His cheek was pressed against Judah's shoulder too, face turned towards him. He breathed him in, a scent that Aaron no longer knew but still... comforting. The body in his arms was a little different too, maybe a bit more filled out. The hair was different, cut stylishly in that 'city slicker' way Aaron always joked wasn't for him, but his smile... His smile was the same.

Aaron felt like he'd been stuck in time all these years. Still dressed the same, had his hair the same, parted on the same side, neat and tidy. Still drove the same old jalopy, although he'd upgraded to a slightly larger apartment--but only because his old one was knocked down to make room for the new clinic. He was still here doing the same old things, unable to move on--not without Judah.

[Judah Hyunh]

Judah grinned despite himself. The old jokes were like a comforting blanket; he had a history with Aaron that he didn't have with Alejandro and to be honest, he never wanted to have. There was a difference between loving somebody and being in love, in his opinion, and there was both in a single person. That was how it was with Aaron. The fact that they fell right back into step the moment they met again just said it all.

For a long moment, he just settled into the embrace, not wanting to let go. Aaron was like coming home after a long time away from it. No, not like it. He was.

Sometimes, he wished he hadn't done it. Hadn't taken the job in the city. Sometimes, he was so homesick for Aaron that he nearly called him. Sometimes, he did but there was always a strain between them. Maybe it was guilt for leaving. Maybe it was just how much he missed Aaron.

But Aaron didn't want to follow him and Judah couldn't see himself staying in one place for the rest of his life. He wanted more out of life than Aaron seemed to want. He always had been something of a homebody but Judah, he wanted so much more. He wanted his career to soar and he wanted to see new places. All of that, but he missed Aaron the whole time. God, he wished that Aaron wanted the same things, that he had come with him.

Even now, he wished it. Even with his arms wrapped around him. Because he was here in his arms now but for how long? After this, Judah would leave, go back to his city life and leave him behind again. Which was exactly why he didn't want to let go. But he made himself, after a beat too long. He wanted to kiss him so badly, too. The urge was there, as natural as breathing.

"It's been way too long," he said as he pulled back, giving Aaron's arm a squeeze.

[Aaron Clayton]

"Yeah." Aaron cleared his throat but his voice still came out rather gruff and rough. He cleared it again as Judah squeezed his arm but it did nothing for the loss he felt when they separated or for that embarrassing little tickle in the back of his nose.

Because Aaron knew, deep down in his heart, that they were meant to be together.

Everything slotted into place for them. It was easy to be in love, to be loved by Judah. They seemed to gravitate towards one another from the start and falling in love with each other was as uncomplicated as 1+1.

But Judah wanted more out of life than a tiny little podunk town, with its outdated police station and all paths leading to buttfuck nowhere. He was meant for greater things, bigger cities, brighter lights. Meanwhile, Aaron's homebody heart was firmly rooted; he couldn't leave his family, his little brother, to go gallivanting off to have adventures unknown.

In the end, they broke apart and broke up. Aaron was left here, heartbroken; he imagined that Judah was heartbroken too, wherever he happened to end up. It was hard for both of them to acknowledge their differences but when their relationship buckled under the pressure and strain, it was no longer worth it to destroy everything they had built together just to spend one more night in each other's arms.

Aaron couldn't keep Judah; Judah couldn't take Aaron with him.

Now Judah was back, though—of his own accord. It felt just like old times, except everything was out of sorts. Finding Danny was a preoccupation, a mania, nearly an obsession with Aaron. He barely slept or ate, growing thinner, haggard, more testy and irritable by the day. Today was the first day that he even felt a touch of happiness, all thanks to Judah.

"Ahem! Let me. Let me get that for ya." He reached down to pick up Judah's suitcase, recalling when they first met, that Judah had made gentle fun of his hometown twang. Aaron turned to lead him into the apartment lobby, narrowly avoiding taking his hand. Habit. He kept his free hand in his pocket, to curb its naughty desires.

"This way. I got everything ready. Figured you oughtta sleep on the bed since you came out all this way, so I made up the couch for myself."

[Judah Hyunh]

"Oh! Uh... thanks."

He smiled politely as Aaron took his things. Sleep in the bed... He put up a hand and shook his head.

"Oh, no, that's fine. I can take the couch."

Honestly, it wasn't just to be altruistic, either. The thought of sleeping in Aaron's bed was almost too much. Knowing he slept there every night, taking in his scent every time he turned over... He would just end up tossing and turning all night. The couch... was better. More neutral. He just didn't want to explain it all, better to just sound like he was still being overly polite. It was already too much that he was staying with Aaron and not at one of the small hotels and inns that dotted the small town.

"About... about your brother," he said, because there was no way to broach the topic delicately. There was no natural segue into it that he could picture or envision in his mind. Time was everything and they both knew it.

"Tell me everything you know," he said, suddenly serious, doing away with the polite smiles. Yes, time was really ticking and every day, every hour that passed meant another step in the wrong direction. Standing there rubbing the back of his neck and murmuring over who should take the bed versus the couch... that could wait. He was really worried and he knew... knew that despite everything between them and their history... that none of this had been easy for Aaron. As soon as Judah heard about it, he knew that. And he had to be here. Especially after they said they called off the search.

[Aaron Clayton]

"No, you came out all this way," Aaron insisted, because that was what Aarons did. They insisted. He hadn't thought through his offer to the evening, when Judah would have to actually lay in his bed--without him. But that was going to be better than laying in bed with him because... well...

Aaron would have insisted all night if Judah hadn't had the good sense to distract him from the topic. Immediately his expression grew dark and solemn. Aaron didn't speak until they were in the elevator headed up to his apartment, though, as he tried to collect his thoughts. "You probably already know what they're reporting in the news, so I won't start from the very beginning."

Judah was thorough--he was good at what he did, and he would have already read all the press clippings, same way Aaron had. He sighed and leaned against the wall of the elevator as it lurched upwards. "I haven't been able to find out much about his actual disappearance. He was playing around near the old library when he disappeared, so I went in there to ask around, see if somebody saw or heard something. Nobody heard anything." Aaron frowned as he looked over at Judah, shaking his head.

"You ever heard Danny to go anywhere without making a ruckus? Especially against his will? Seems suspicious that no one had any info, doesn't it?"

[Judah Hyunh]

"Yeah," he said, solemn and somber as Aaron. The subject of a missing child was a serious one, no matter who the child was. Even more so when that child was somebody close to his heart. Judah still remembered Danny's big, goofy smile and his perpetually sticky hands. The kid always seemed to have his hands in something they didn't belong in. But he was a happy kid. He was a loving kid, a beloved kid. The fact that he should go missing and in such a short time, the search was called off?

Suspicious. Judah had been antsy upon hearing about it but the moment he heard the search was called off, he knew he couldn't just sit back and do nothing. He had to reach out to Aaron. He had to lend his hand, and give his all into finding Danny. He had to, there were no other options, regardless of the job and the lover he left behind. Aaron still came first, even after all this time. Aaron and his family. They still felt like his family.

"The old library..." Judah frowned. There had always been something off putting about that old library. Just walking through the doors made the fine hairs on his arms and the back of his neck stand on end. Judah used to laugh it off as he didn't like old buildings but... Now he suspected there was more at play here.

"All of it's too suspicious," Judah said. "Everything I read... it didn't match up, not with what I know about Danny... and about Hazleton. Something's definitely afoot. I say we go to the library ourselves. Have you gone yet?"

[Aaron Clayton]

"Yeah. No signs of a struggle, they said in the papers." Aaron shook his head again. No way that sounded like Danny, to give up without a fight. Aaron taught him better than that--if he was grabbed, he had to make a lot of noise, to shout and scream and holler and fight, scratch and bite and do everything he could to attract attention, to escape. He taught Danny never to trust strangers either, or to turn his back on them.

The elevator jolted as it came to his floor and he pulled Judah's luggage out into the brightly lit hallway. "Yeah," he said as he led the way down the hall. "I went there as soon as I found out the location. That's where they told me nobody heard anything at the time of the disappearance." And that just didn't add up at all.

[Judah Hyunh]

"Somebody's hiding something."

That much was obvious and he almost winced at himself for saying it aloud. Of course Aaron KNEW that already. There was something not right going on around the missing children. Danny wasn't the first and he likely wouldn't be the last, either. Something had been going on in the town for some time, as Judah noted when he looked through the paperwork that he compiled before coming to see Aaron. When he said something was afoot... something was most definitely wrong.

The old library had always been kind of a creepy place. Judah, who enjoyed reading, never really liked visiting that library. He preferred the school library and in the summer, he just begged for new books from the shop downtown. Anything to avoid that old library. Now he was starting to see that the urban legends that surrounded it might just be rooted in something real.

"Do you remember the old stories about the library?" Judah asked Aaron as he kept pace with him down the hall, though his voice was low and hushed in case somebody was listening in on them. "You know, how they talked about kids disappearing inside the library every ten years?"

[Aaron Clayton]

In lieu of a response, Aaron opened the door to let Judah inside before tugging his luggage in and then entering himself. The lights were all on; he'd rushed down as soon as Judah texted him that he had arrived. Kicking off his shoes but placing them neatly in the rack by the door, Aaron was silent and thoughtful. There had been stories swirling about every part of the town, as far back as when he was a kid himself. The old library, the graveyard, the woods by the school, that giant manor which housed the Hazleton clan...

"All the files from the station were gone." He finally said as he led Judah into the living room, which doubled as his base of operations. The large cork board with all his notes, newspaper clippings, photographs—everything he could get his hands on was on display. "The old files I mean. About missing kids, about the old library. Somebody took them and I'm betting they destroyed them."

Aaron parked the luggage by the side of the couch and then sat down. Slowly, he put his head into his hands and massaged his temples with his thumbs, feeling drained and exhausted just thinking about all the work that there was left to do. With so much evidence missing, putting together a coherent case was nearly impossible.

"This is everything I could get."

[Judah Hyunh]

"Wh-what?"

The old files were gone? Destroyed? Judah struggled with the thought; the corruption that it meant. Somebody was really covering their tracks. And if they were destroyed--at the very least, the fact that they were missing...

"An inside job?"

Just saying the words left a nasty taste in the back of his throat. Somebody within the community. Somebody high up. Somebody in law enforcement? Or somebody that had easy access to those files. How long had they been missing? Had they ever even been there? Ten years ago... He ran through the missing kids of the past as he looked over Aaron's work. His fingertips passed over a yellowed newspaper clipping about a kid named Lara Mueller.

"I remember her," he said. "I remember when she went missing."

Ten years ago. It felt like a lifetime ago. She was around their age. One day, she was there, the next day, she was nothing but a newspaper story, a missing poster plastered on an old pole.

"Have you talked to their families yet?" he asked, turning away from the cork board. He said it delicately because, well, it was a delicate thing to ask. It was a delicate task, to interview families of missing children, whether they had gone missing around the same time as Danny or whether they went missing ten years ago. The wounds were still there, festering.

[Aaron Clayton]

"Yeah," Aaron said to the coffee table, after a deep sigh. It shocked him too, when he first discovered the cover-up. Only problem was, he didn't know who took the files and digging too deep was dangerous to his health. The only people who had permission to remove files from the filing cabinets AND from the secure system—not just access and read them—were those in a position of power. He didn't have to think too hard about who might have taken them.

But that didn't mean Aaron couldn't investigate on his own, which was why he swiped the files he had now and then did his best to cover his tracks. Luckily, a friend in administration helped him with that, at great personal expense and risk. Well, Aaron sorta felt bad about that one but his desperation knew no bounds by the time they announced that they were calling off the search.

"Yeah. She lived down the street from us, I remember her mom inviting us over for Sunday dinner now and then."

Aaron remembered Lara as a giggly girl with blonde pigtails, always peering in on him and his friends. She was the snoopy type—took after her father, who worked for the local paper. All the kids knew she was a snoop so it probably wasn't a surprise that she was taken. Probably got into something she shouldn't have, everybody said at the time.

"Not yet." His reply was short, clipped, terse. "Don't want to show my hand until I have something concrete."

[Judah Hyunh]

What did all the missing kids have in common? Lara, Danny? The others? There had to be a connecting thread between them all. Judah knew there had to be; it couldn't just be random, could it? Senseless? But... it seemed like the connecting thread was snooping. Getting too close to something. That didn't make sense; why only children? Judah flexed his fingers, tense and aware of it, trying to relax.

"I can't blame you."

Judah hesitated a moment, then slowly moved over to take a seat beside Aaron. He reached out and gently squeezed a knee. Somebody in a position of power knew what was happening, at the very least. At the worst, they were a part of it. Either way, if this watchful entity was aware of Aaron's refusal to drop the case, then he could be in danger next.

"Have you found any missing reports on adults around the same time?" he asked. "People that were looking into it before us?"

[Aaron Clayton]

He was no good to Danny behind bars.

Aaron wasn't afraid of what could happen to him but the stakes were too high for him to start loudly announcing that he was looking into his brother's disappearance. Folks around here talked. Rumors and secrets abounded in sleepy little Hazleton, so it would only be a matter of time before Aaron, too, disappeared.

He did what he could from the shadows though. He watched, listened, skulked about in the shadows, hoping to find any little shred of information that could lead him down the right path. It was hard work; sometimes it was dispiriting and disappointing and frustrating, but Aaron knew that he could never give up. He was also constantly vigilant, knowing that one lapse could mean the end of all of his hard work.

The answers he gave Judah were short because he didn't have much and he knew it, and it hurt him down to the marrow. No witnesses, no evidence, nothing to go off of except a handful of vanished children and an old library. Aaron had planned to return there sometime at night to investigate the building properly, but almost as though the higher ups knew his intentions, suddenly he was flooded with work at the precinct. He would have quit just to be able to devote all of his time to Danny but being a cop had its perks and he needed access to the station and to its records.

He tensed as Judah's hand landed on his knee but the gesture lent him a small amount of comfort. Aaron finally looked up and over at him. "What you see there is what I have." Whoever wiped the files at the station had been thorough. Anything remotely close to these suspicious disappearances, past and present, had been removed. Aaron followed all the leads he could; he tried everything, tying in every lead and every tiny speck of evidence and all it amounted to was a handful of pictures--and memories. At least they hadn't taken his memories from him, and he had meticulously recorded everything he could recall onto the board, in the notes pinned at the very bottom.

But memories weren't enough. Notes and scraps of newspaper clippings weren't enough. Aaron took in a deep breath and let it out on a five-count. "Tomorrow night I'm going down to the old library. I'm going inside to see if I can find anything in back and downstairs. You remember, a few years back their pipes burst and flooded the main floor, and they moved a bunch of stuff down into storage? Most of it is still there. Maybe we can find some older newspapers and articles down there."