That bad type

[Reagan Ryang]

Didn't matter if it was an easy trail or not, Rae was ready to get out there. He was tired of the bright lights of clubs and the loud music. He preferred the subtlety of nature. Nothing in the world could beat that feeling of walking through nature, especially this time of year in Oregon. The trees were all turning color, the air was growing cooler, and there was a sense of calm that was hard to come by in Hazleton proper. But the woods... The woods were freeing. He wanted to go out there now, but he knew he couldn't, even if he demanded it.

Not to mention, Alva was just as stubborn as always. Rae's lips turned downward as Alva bid to silence him with his hand. Of course Alva said no, but he would see! When Rae got out, he would be ready. It wasn't as if he'd be out tonight. Probably not even tomorrow. He wasn't so dumb that he didn't realize how thrashed he'd been in that fight. But he did feel at least some satisfaction that he got as good as he gave. At the same time, he also felt slightly guilty for involving so many people in a fight that had nothing at all to do with any of them. Shit.

"Promise you won't go without me," he said, softer then intended, half afraid that Alva was just tricking him to get him into the hospital. He looked down, too, at Alva's phone and it sparked the memory of his own phone yet again. Part of him wanted to know who was on the phone--wanted to ask about Susumu but that didn't make sense. Alva was all clear of the mark and he asked Rae on a date. It couldn't be him so there was no reason to be even a little jealous.

"About my phone..."

[Alva Ren]

"I quadruple promise," Alva smiled as he lowered his hand and confirmed the pick-up location and time on the app on his phone. Not long now—the taxi was maybe five minutes away. He pocketed his phone afterwards and glanced up at Rae's slightly guilty expression. He looked like a little boy with his hand caught just coming out of the cookie jar, fist clutching a stolen goodie.

His phone? Did he feel sheepish about asking Alva to go and find it? Alva would have done it even if he didn't ask. "What about your phone? I'll go and retrace your steps, I can probably find it. They might have it at the lost-and-found at the... the club." Strip club. Alva didn't want to say the words; he didn't like the idea of Rae being there with all of those half-naked men. Insecurity being what it was and all...

"Hey we should head outside. The taxi's almost here." They could talk while they walked. Besides, Alva had to find Ryland too and let him know that they were leaving. And to thank him for poking his nose where it didn't belong because without Ryland, none of this would have happened. Alva couldn't help but think fondly of his cousin. He didn't think he had ever loved Ryland more than he did that very second.

[Reagan Ryang]

"No--"

But before he could explain, Alva was talking about heading out to wait for the taxi. Right. But his phone wouldn't be at the club and he didn't want Alva to go to the club. Yet they were getting up and heading out the door and before Rae could explain--again, he was interrupted by Alva's cousin butting in. He took one look at Rae and then at Alva and he seemed... Rae didn't know the word for it. Maybe he was just relieved that somebody was able to drag the wretched wolf from the shelter cage. Either way, he came over to Alva to embrace him.

"Thanks," he heard Ryland whisper to Alva as he did. "You're some kind of miracle worker."

Then he straightened up and smiled but it seemed a little strained, like he was having issues of his own to work out. Probably related to all the others that had come in because of Rae. Ouch. He then turned toward Rae and pointed his phone at him--phone!--and added, "Don't go too far. Nobody's pressing charges on you or anything but you might be needed for some questioning."

Rae made a face. Always with the stupid law enforcement crap. As a werewolf, he generally felt above those laws but he side-glanced over at Alva and kept his arguments to himself. "I'll be around," he mumbled.

"Good!" Ryland looked stiff again, like there was something he had to say but he wasn't saying it. Rae quirked a brow but all Ryland had left to say was, "Oh, and Aldon's fine with you staying with him when you get out of the hospital."

"Yeah... I got that." He edged closer to Alva's chair, nudging it toward the doorway. "I think that's the taxi..."

[Alva Ren]

"No, thank you!" Alva murmured to Ryland, giving him a swift but grateful hug. Even though he could see that Ryland was... less-than-fond of Rae, thankfully he remained civil. And perturbed. Alva could see it all over his face and in his stiff posture. One didn't grow up with someone, practically exist as brothers, without knowing one another inside and out, and Alva knew when something was up.

Clearly, Ryland wasn't going to spill his guts in front of Rae, so Alva made a note to ask him later. Maybe when they were in the taxi, which he heard honking just as Rae nudged him meaningfully. Alva smiled at Ryland one more time, feeling bubbly and happier than he ought to have been under present circumstances—taking someone to the hospital—and wheeled himself on out.

Luckily they sent a taxi that could accommodate Alva's chair, so it was a matter of getting himself up the ramp and securing his chair. He waited until Rae had gotten settled, told the driver where to take them—the only hospital in town—and reached over for Rae's hand again. Absently, Alva brushed a thumb over the back of Rae's hand.

"I'm sure they won't press charges." He texted busily with his free hand but his mind felt as if it was being tugged in ten different directions. Get Rae's phone from the strip club. Make sure Ryland was okay. Reassure Rae that he wasn't going to jail. (Yikes.) Make sure Susumu was okay with Rae being back in the picture.

And... look into the new mark on his upper arm that thankfully Rae hadn't seen.

[Reagan Ryang]

"Yeah, probably not," Rae said, momentarily distracted by the tender brush of a thumb over the back of his hand. Alva was right. Those guys weren't raring for a fight the way Rae was. They even gave him an out, turned away, went to leave it alone. Rae was the one who pursued them. But then, that might be reason for them to press charges. Not that it would accomplish anything except putting Rae behind bars for a while, maybe put on probation or something. There wasn't any money to be had, if that was what they were looking for and they probably knew that.

After a moment, Rae rested his head against Alva's shoulder, watching him text with one hand. Rae was shitty at texting with two hands. How the hell did Alva do it? He wasn't really even being nosy, he just happened to see part of the text and it seemed to be between Alva and his cousin. Rae only got a glimpse but he spied the name Aldon amongst the jumble of words. His tired and bleary eyes barely wanted to track properly, let alone focus.

"Are those two still fighting? Aren't they normally back together again by now?"

[Alva Ren]

"My fingers hurt," Alva complained in a whisper to Rae as he tried to talk his cousin down from what seemed like an inevitable breakdown. He never knew how bad things got for Ry. Maybe it was because he was preoccupied with his own troubles, or maybe Ryland hid it well, but Alva had no idea that he was still so troubled and so hurt.

Well, no. He knew that Ryland still hurt. A love like that, Ryland wouldn't get over it within the week or the month or maybe even the year. Alva turned his head as Rae's fell against his shoulder and his expression softened. Yeah. A love that ran so deep that it formed a part of one's identity, that wasn't something easily gotten over or forgotten. Gently, Alva eased his arm around Rae so that he could rest more comfortably. (Or as comfortably as he could, stretched over a seat and part of a wheelchair.)

"Hush. Don't make fun, they're hurting too. Just like—" Alva trailed off. His heart gave an uncomfortable, hard thud in his chest. Just like us, he wanted to say, as if... he and Rae were also a couple working through their feelings like Ryland and Aldon.

What am I doing?

Was he or wasn't he in a relationship with another man? Why was he sitting there with his arm around Rae, with his head resting against Rae's? It may have felt natural and right and familiar but why? Alva wasn't the cheating type. And yet this made him feel guilty; this was emotional cheating if there ever was such a thing. He chided Ryland for leading Aldon on but how uncanny was it that Ryland's accusation that Alva did the same rang so true? They were so... so much alike!

...Rae's hurt though. He needs someone to care about him right now.

Who else was going to do this for Rae, if not Alva? Aldon? Josh? Rae's brothers? He wouldn't open himself up to them, not like this. He might be tempted to bluster again, or to show them that he wasn't as badly hurt as he was. He wouldn't be comfortable, Alva knew that. Right now, Rae was comfortable and seemed comforted.

It's just for this car ride, he assured himself. Just for now, while Rae's defences were down. Alva wasn't a cheater. He wasn't kissing Rae or being intimate with him in any physical way. There was one hug earlier and that was it. Alva held Rae a little closer and a little more protectively as the taxi trundled its way through town, headed towards the hospital where Alva would have to drop Rae off and be on his way.

[Reagan Ryang]

Aldon. Aldon had definitely become the brunt of many jokes over the years because of his inability to keep his man. They were always on again, off again. Rae could tell when it was an off-again type of day because there was a sense of dejectedness in the way Aldon carried himself. Like a kicked puppy, most called it. Aldon was good at the kicked puppy look and Ryland seemed to like it, since it tended to work on him. The rest of them, though, they were all getting a little tired of the back and forth. Rae told him all the time to just fucking tell him like it was. Never mind that it was machismo creeping through. It was sound advice! Tell the fox like it was!

Easier said than done for some people, though. Rae, he might have been a weak whelp disguised as a wannabe cool guy but he made no qualms about telling Alva how he felt. All right, he was nervous as hell the first time he said it but he knew it was how he felt and needed Alva to know, too. If he didn't feel the same... Well, let's just say he already played those scenarios in his head a long time ago. Way back, five years ago, six years ago now? They hadn't been together for so long that he forgot that he was no longer counting the years together with Alva.

"Us?" Rae said, finishing the sentence for Alva. He didn't know why Alva didn't finish it. Afraid of setting Rae off? Reminding him that there was still wounds between them? They never explicitly said they were getting back together but Rae thought they were going on a date so... that meant something, didn't it? That they were mending things... Maybe. Rae wasn't sure if that was what he wanted or not. To go on a date-date, so soon after having his heart utterly crushed... more than once now. It was just a hike, though. They would take it slow. No need to rush.

This was nice, though. Being close. Being comforted. Rae didn't want it to end, although he knew that it would have to once they got to the hospital. Rae would have to be checked in, they would need to do all their diagnostics or whatever. X-rays, blood tests, whatever. (Although if they took more blood from him, he was probably going to pass out.) Rae gently strummed his fingertips against Alva's palm.

"I never meant to hurt you. I got so jealous... it made me fucking crazy and I don't know... well, no. I know why. Even though you said there was nothing going on, and I should've believed you, he just... he looked at you the way I looked at you when we first met. Like... wonder and admiration, shit like that. And the weakness in me only saw all the strengths in him, it was like an ant going up against a lion. What's a guy like me have against a guy like that? He could give you the whole world and I got dirt to my name."

[Alva Ren]

"Us," Alva acceded softly, letting Rae finish his sentence for him. Rae knew what he meant; his thoughts ran along the same course that Alva's did, once again. Yes, they were hurting. Everyone was hurting, really. Ryland hurt, Aldon hurt, Rae hurt and Alva hurt. Yoojin was doing well, though. That was a little ray of sunshine to break through the stormy relationships going on around them. Susumu was doing... all right. He was anxious and worried these days, stressed out because of what had happened with the new mark.

It made Alva wonder if he was repeating old mistakes. Seeing someone only for the good and brushing over the bad landed him here. Putting a veil over the things that he didn't like because he was always over-eager to see the best in everyone didn't work out so well in the end. Susumu's memory curse on him was a well-meaning gesture... Or was it an indication of a deeper problem, a willingness to do what he thought was best for Alva without consulting Alva himself? Was it being over-protective or being insecure? Was it disrespectful to take away Alva's liberties and freedom of choice or was he only doing what he thought was 'the right thing?"

Alva frowned at his phone as the messages came, back and forth between himself and Ryland. Each one opened Ryland's eyes a little but they also opened Alva's. The truth was an uncomfortable and inconvenient thing. Inescapable facts couldn't be coated in sugar and swallowed so easily. He wondered... He wondered if he had been foolish after all, or if Rae had a point when he first brought up those talking points about Susumu being a stranger, an unknown.

Rae was also talking, and it took Alva a minute to catch up. His brows lifted in surprise. Rae had a lot to say, it seemed—some very poignant things and some very deep, introspective things about himself and his mindset back when they were fighting. Alva turned to him, having never realized how deeply his inferiority complex ran. He always knew that Rae thought he had something to prove, but...

"If I thought that, I wouldn't have stayed with you all those years, Rae." Rae knew that now, didn't he? That he never had to be rich or suave or dress in expensive clothes to impress Alva? What on Earth made him think that he needed to suddenly compete with Susumu, when Alva was not and had never been the materialistic type?

Because he saw the way that Susumu looked at Alva. He saw another man looking at his lover, capturing his lover's attention, a new and intriguing, handsome stranger who swept in and tried to sweep Alva off his feet. He was scared. And Alva did nothing to comfort him or to ease his fears. If anything, sneaking around behind Rae's back only made those fears materialize. No wonder Rae went off his rocker. No wonder he grew more and more erratic, gave in to his fears and to the dark thoughts spiralling out of control.

"...I never looked at him the way I looked at you, Rae," he said softly, as he caressed the back of Rae's hand again. "He was just... different. But I never even thought about cheating on you. I never thought of him as my boyfriend. He... he does love me. And he's been working so hard—worked so hard to make that mark go away. He's not a bad man, Rae. I wish I could have convinced you of that without acting like a stupid teenager sneaking out of the house at night. I'm sorry I acted the way that I did. I shouldn't have tried to hide my friendship with him from you."

[Reagan Ryang]

The word hurt was what made him say it. Everybody was hurt by somebody else, somebody that loved them or somebody they loved. It seemed to go with the territory. Love... it could be a poison to some, but it didn't always hurt. Rae wasn't burying his face in the lie of it. Love wasn't always pain, even if sometimes there was a component of pain to it. When Rae started falling like a fool, he had stars in his eyes then. Alva could do no wrong and that was fine by him. He wanted to see the world the way Alva did and being with him made it so much easier.

Alva brought out so many of his better qualities. And he brought out a lot of bad ones too, over time, but that wasn't really on Alva. That was on Rae... now that he finally saw it, of course. Back then... hell, last night... Rae just wanted to make everybody else take the blame for all the ways that he felt. The truth of the matter was, he was giving himself all those lashes, every time he covered up his real feelings with something else and let the red-hot anger take over.

"...I know." Now. Now he knew but then, back then, when it was new guy versus Rae... Any smart person would want the upgrade. That was how Rae saw it. He had too much grit, blood under his fingertips from holding too tight, emotional bruises, that deep, deeply ingrained weakness that told him he wasn't good enough... and it was staring him in the face, like a challenge.

"He loves you," he echoed. "Do you... love him?"

[Alva Ren]

The question hit too close to home and it hurt. Alva didn't think there was even a right answer to that and as the seconds ticked by without a response, he grew more and more unsure. What did it say about him that he couldn't answer Rae right away? What did it mean that he hesitated as he stared numbly down at the phone in his lap, trying to work through all of his conflicting feelings in 2.4 seconds?

"...we are... together," he confessed at last, and didn't dare to even look at Rae for fear of the judgement that he would see. The hurt. Again, hurt. Hurting Rae with not lies, but omissions of the truth. Hurting him by repeating his past mistakes because apparently while Rae grew up, Alva didn't. Maybe somebody needed to beat some sense into him instead of Rae.

Shame-faced, Alva dropped his head. "I'm sorry," he whispered. His voice trembled nearly as much as his heart. "I should have said something earlier, but it... I was... afraid I'd push you away again, just when we'd... I'm sorry Rae."

What did it say about the state of his relationship with Susumu... that he felt ashamed of it?

[Reagan Ryang]

...Odd silence. Awkward silence. Tense silence. Rae tilted his head up.

Fuck.

Together. Not the question Rae even asked but it still came as a sudden blow, enough that his heart seemed to clench and stop. Together? They really did... Rae really had a right to worry--! His head spun, not helped at all by blood loss. Anger--just the tiniest spark--but it died as quickly as it came and all Rae was left with was a deeply hollowed out feeling in his gut. In his heart. Not a date, then. He thought it almost hysterically, as if there was reason to laugh and laugh until he started crying again.

Which he staunchly did not want to do. Swallowing hard, he sat up, not quite so comforted by Alva's presence anymore. The hurt in him wanted him to withdraw, to take his hand away, to move as far from the offender as he could. But he was still so exhausted and... he got it, really. Alva and Rae weren't a thing for so long. Alva had every right to find somebody new... even if it was somebody he knew Rae hated. Or at least mistrusted. And it wasn't as if Rae had chosen finely, either. He even cheated. Actually cheated, when Alva just... hid a friendship, apparently.

"Why be sorry?" He hated that his voice came out so toneless when he was trying to be more understanding. But he couldn't seem to work any emotions in his voice at all. It was like he wasn't even doing the talking, he felt so far removed from himself, from the situation.

[Alva Ren]

"Rae. Rae please."

He was losing Rae. Alva leaned closer towards him as he pulled away, as if their very physical proximity alone disgusted him. An ugly desperation welled up inside of Alva—a desperation to explain, to justify his relationship and his choices even though he knew that he owed Rae nothing. He didn't owe anyone anything, really. This was his life, wasn't it?

But the tonelessness with which Rae spoke was another dagger to the heart. Alva's mind raced to furnish an explanation that would make everything better. He knew how it looked, how Rae must think that his fears weren't unfounded at all, and that... well, Alva lied. There was no dancing around that fact, Alva never came clean about his relationship with Susumu.

"It only happened after we broke up," he said, hating the way that he was even trying to explain it all away. But he couldn't help it. The heart wanted what it wanted, just as he said to Ryland. "I was-was lonely and all of a sudden you were gone and..." And Susumu was there to pick up the pieces and to pick him up from the ground. No matter what he did afterwards, during that difficult period of Alva's life, Susumu was there for him.

Alva would always be grateful to him for that. But... maybe he was confusing gratefulness and hero-worship for love. Feelings did begin to blossom for Susumu over time, though, who was kind and patient and knew just the right thing to say at any given moment. Susumu seemed perfect, but Alva didn't know if he needed perfect in his life. He needed... a purpose. Someone he could grow with and grow into.

He tugged on Rae's good hand lightly, pleadingly. "I'm sorry, Rae. I should have told you earlier. I'm sorry."

[Reagan Ryang]

Why should Alva be sorry? Why was he pleading with Rae like that? It didn't... it didn't make sense. Rae didn't even deserve it. If anybody should be begging anybody for anything, it should be Rae. He was the one who jumped to conclusions because of a Look the guy gave Rae. He was the one who cheated and then lied about it. He was the one who used anger as a defense mechanism. Why he didn't see it all before, he didn't know.

But another part of him was still hung up on the witch guy, thinking that he was vindicated in thinking there was something going on the whole time. But no... Alva wouldn't lie to him. He wouldn't lie. Even now, he was trying to explain it, that it happened afterward. And why shouldn't Alva be lonely? Rae was lonely too. They turned to other people, people that were already there. Rae picked at the seating. Not the best people but people that were there.

Slowly, he looked down at the hand on his, coming back to himself, as if he had really just ghosted on himself for a long moment. The hands anchored him, their hands. But Rae... he hated that tone in Alva's voice. It was wrong. It felt wrong. The whole thing felt wrong. His fingers curled inward and he looked out the window. Still grey, still drizzly. What a day, matching the mood or making it worse, he didn't know which. Definitely a downer. He wished he was looking at a bright morning sun instead. He wished they weren't in a car, trying to hold onto pieces of a broken relationship. If he could go back, he would go back. All the way back, to when he was still happy. When Alva was still happy.

"Don't. Stop apologizing." His voice sounded harsher than he tended, although the tone was more directed at himself than at Alva. When he looked at him, his gaze softened. "I'm just... It's just hard to process. But it's..." Okay. Fine. It wasn't, though. He'd be a damn liar if he said so. He lowered his head, then let it fall back against the seat behind him. "We're okay."

[Alva Ren]

He should have known that things wouldn't be so simple. Alva flinched a little at the sudden rise in Rae's voice, and sank back into his chair. His hands twisted into pretzels in his lap as he alternately looked at and away from Rae at the rain-flecked windows of the taxi. Hazleton wasn't a big town; it didn't take long to get from point A to point B.

Although he wanted to apologize again, Alva kept quiet. Eventually he stopped looking at Rae and focused entirely on the window, the scenery outside flashing by in a blur. Everybody wanted to be okay and everybody said that they were okay, but no one was. He felt the pangs of guilt with each passing second that they sat awkwardly in the taxi until it began to slow down and the driver was telling them that they had arrived.

"Do you still want me to go with you?" Alva was busy unhooking the seat belt, and then he was busy watching the driver opening the back door so that he could get himself out. Then he was busy. too busy to look at Rae, with paying the driver and then... he was sitting there in the rain busily watching the taxi drive away.

[Reagan Ryang]

"Yes."

He didn't think Alva was going to, but he did. Still, the silence was tense again and Rae couldn't figure out why. He said they were okay, didn't he? Did Alva not hear him? Did he think he meant something else? That he and somebody else were okay? Hah... if he thought he meant him and Josh... Even thinking his name made Rae wince. He had no idea where Josh even was, if he saw the fight, if he cared even if he did see it. Probably not, or he would have been there. His heart continued to drop as he got out of the car, not especially happy that it was starting to full on rain on them.

Ducking under the awning in front of the hospital, he started toward the entrance to find that Alva wasn't alongside him. Rae stopped and turned around. Why was he just sitting there in the rain, watching the car drive off? Frowning, Rae came back, using his good hand to pull the chair with him. The last thing they needed to do was stand/sit out in the rain and make everything that much worse with a cold.

"Alva..."

He didn't know what to even say anymore. They were... okay. They were just... okay. It sucked but it was how it was. They were... whatever they were. Too important not to be in each others' lives. Not together but something. Friends, maybe. It sounded weird, to think of Alva as a friend but it could be worse. They could be ghosts to each other. They could be enemies. At least they weren't that. Besides, he was terrified that if he didn't say the right thing now, Alva was going to end up disappearing again on him and he wouldn't see him again, half dead or not.

Rae turned the chair toward him and leaned in, not caring that rain dripped from his unkempt hair. His one good arm propped him up, the other uselessly hanging there.

"I need you. Okay? Stay with me."