Uphill both ways

[Aldon Huang]

It wasn't fair.

It wasn't fair.

It wasn't fair.

It wasn't fair that no matter how hard Aldon tried to find a solution, Ry shot him down immediately. It was always Ry doing the leaving, wasn't it? Any time he didn't like something, he left. He had to be the one breaking things off all the time. First, it was because Aldon didn't say he loved him. Then when he DID say he loved Ryland, it wasn't ENOUGH. He had to love Ryland all the time, always, and only him.

Why was it NEVER ENOUGH? Aldon felt like the bar kept getting higher and higher, and that whatever he did to please Ryland was never enough because Ryland kept wanting more. More more more. Aldon couldn't do anything right.

This time, Aldon tried. He really did and he didn't know what more he could have done. It wasn't his fault that he loved two people. It wasn't his fault that Gregg came into his life just when Ryland walked out. It wasn't Gregg's fault that he slotted so perfectly into the little piece of Aldon's heart that had always wandered.

In fact, if Ryland hadn't walked out, there would have been no Gregg! If Ry had stuck it out with him, Aldon never would have turned to another man.

He nursed his wounds like a pathetic dog after he hung up, curled up in the back of the RV as it drove down the highway to nowhere. Sobbing like a bitch, Rae would have said, and he probably would have smacked Aldon upside the head. Gregg was up front. It was a small RV because neither of them were rich, but they made do with what they had. Life out here was carefree, really. When they were hungry, they ate. When they were thirsty, they drank. And at night, they curled up together and it just felt right.

But there was always something missing. Aldon felt Ryland's absence like a phantom limb, even though the memories were blocked from his mind. He reached for a hand that wasn't there and he turned to say silly things to empty space. He saw a strawberry and thought of someone whose face he couldn't even bring to the forefront of his mind. And he understood that it was hard for Ryland to deal with his feelings but why couldn't Ryland try? At least try to work with the complicated feelings that Aldon had? What did they have to lose by trying?

Aldon swallowed back the hurt and he tried not to play the victim, but it was hard not to when he felt so dispirited and so beaten. People always said that he had the victim card in his back pocket. Maybe they were right. Actually, they were right. He did. He played into the image of the hurt puppy because he could and because it worked. People seemed to want to baby him and Lord, he let them.

But this time--THIS TIME! This time it wasn't about being babied!

Aldon sniffed. He scrubbed a hand over his red-rimmed eyes because he didn't want Gregg to see that he'd been crying and then he turned his face into the pillow. Aldon's hand clenched into fists around the sheets as he kicked out a foot violently, sending the RV rocking slightly on its wheels. Werewolf strength. Did fuck all for his broken heart. Werewolf senses--why bother when he only felt everything so acutely?

There was no way that Ryland claimed to know Aldon loved him, and then doubted that same love. Love was love. It didn't discriminate and it didn't take sides. Sometimes it wasn't as easy as 1+1=2. Sometimes another 1 worked himself into the equation and then everything was bumped around and jostled out of place.

The pain shredded him up from the inside-out, forming a deep, physical ache. Ryland broke up with him a lot in the past but this time it felt real. This time Aldon bared his heart and his soul and was rejected on the basis of his love not being enough. He had never been found so lacking before, and it destroyed him to know that Ryland doubted him. Looked him right in the eye and doubted him. Told him he loved him, then told him to never come back.

Aldon broke free of the pillow when his vision started to swim again--this time from lack of air as he began to pass out. He stared at the little door that separated the car part of the RV from the back and his field of view blurred horribly. "Gregg...!" The RV shook again as he sprang from the bed and burst through the small separating door and threw himself onto Gregg, wet-eyed and choking on his own hurt and not caring if they careened into a ditch because of his recklessness.

Mostly... mostly he hurt because Ryland hurt and that was no one's fault but his own. And he knew it.