Is he even worth saving?

[Liam Shin]

Liam was out looking for trouble be needed to get these thoughts out of his head. Walking the streets in the dark he pulled his phone out to check it again. No new messages, he was waiting on his dealer. He walked a few more streets till he got the message.

He waited at the bus stop JD said he would meet him in 15. A blue SUV pulled up and Liam jumped in they drove till the transaction was done and dropped his off. He walked to a nearby bar and locked himself in the bathroom.

He set it all up and pulled the plunger back on the syringe he filled it. He found a good vein and tied his arm up. He knew he shouldn't shoot up but he had no one to stop him, no one cared if he was losing his shit and was crying out for help. He was alone now.

It was just those very thoughts that pushed him to do it, he stuck the needle in and filled his veins with numbness. He wanted to forget about Susu and life its self.

Time slowed down and Liam's heartbeat slowed down and his breaths became very shallow. The thoughts stopped but so did everything else. Liam was out.

On one is sure how long he was in there passed out but someone brought it to the manager's attention that someone locked the door and it had been locked for an hour that they were aware of. That's when the found Liam on the floor unresponsive and called for help.

He was admitted and it wasn't a shock for the staff to see him come in, in this state. Liam didn't know when to stop when it came to a lot of things he had his stomach pumped God only knows how many times. But this time Liam didn't want to wake up he knew what would happen if he shot it all up.

Susu was called up since he was the only one on his emergency contacts.

[Shimizu Susumu]

Things were strange without Liam but admittedly, more peaceful. Quiet. There were no more arguments. There were no more disagreements and there was no more chasing Liam from one bar to the next, from one rave to the next. Susu had no interest in any of that. All he wanted was his life back.

He had it.

Still, when the phone rang and he saw that it was from the hospital, he couldn't help lifting a brow. He answered in confidence even without knowing what was going on. And then his heart sank and his head swirled with questions.

After a brief exchange, he hung up, then got up and grabbed his coat and headed out.

He entered the sterile hospital room with a disapproving expression. Even while he was worried, he couldn't help covering it beneath irritation.

"Liam," he said in a neutral voice.

[Liam Shin]

Liam was curled in a ball in the hospital bed he was sure he knew what had happened. He couldn't help but feel disappointed that he was still alive. His whole body ached and he felt sick to his stomach.

Susu's voice startled him and he jumped a little. He came, he does care. His heart raced and a flood of emotions hit him. It was like being hit in the chest with bricks.

He closed his eyes tightly and clenched his fist. He was losing it, Why did he have to come he wanted it to be over, so why toys with Liam's heart?

His face was a little red from holding back his emotions. He looked to Susu with blank eyes. "I'm sorry they called you." He struggled to set up in the bed.

He couldn't help but feel like he disappointed Susu but he did that a lot.

[Shimizu Susumu]

"Why?" He stood at the doorway, feeling strangely distant in his stifling coat while Liam lay there in the bed in his ugly blue hospital "gown." Susu never understood why they called them that when they were little more than half a shirt, affording the barest minimum of protection.

"I wouldn't even know about this if they hadn't called me."

Because after it was all over, that was it. The communication between them was cut, severed clean. It was strange how easy it could be and how hard it was at the same time.

When he moved closer to the bedside, his gaze moved over Liam.

"What did you do?"

[Liam Shin]

"That's how you wanted it to be, right?" He said coldly. He watched Susu move closer he didn't want him here but he did. He just couldn't understand why he was here.

Liam rubbed his nose and looked down, he couldn't look him in the eyes and say it. The words felt like a lump stuck in his throat. He let out a sniff before he answered, "I ODed in a bar bathroom." Saying it out loud made it sound worse than it was.

"Did they tell you when I can leave?" He muttered under his breath. He had nowhere to go and he was sure Susu wasn't going to let him come home. Yes to Liam it was still home. He wasn't even sure how long it had been days, weeks, he didn't even know how long he had been in the hospital.

He had no recollection of the paramedics or the ambulance. All he knew was he was still alive and he was still hurting.

[Shimizu Susumu]

No, this wasn't how he wanted it to be. He wanted Liam to sober up, to be a true partner again. Somewhere along the way, he felt like he lost the Liam he knew. Now he was buried beneath all the scars and pain, using alcohol and drugs to cover it up, to try and appear strong and capable when he wasn't.

Susu wasn't buying it. He knew that Liam was suffering but if something drastic didn't happen, he didn't think Liam would ever change. All Susu did was enable him by staying with him despite asking him, telling him not to do the shit he kept pulling.

Now here they were.

Slowly, he crossed his arms and watched Liam look away from him as he told him what happened. Bar. Bathroom. OD. It was about what Susu expected. He swallowed past a big lump in his throat, unhappy with the way things were going.

"They want to watch you," he said. Suicide watch. Psychiatric help, they said. There was no actual release date yet. They had to assess Liam first, to make sure he wasn't a danger to himself.

Susu didn't use the word, though. Suicide.

But he did ask, "On purpose?" Did he OD in that bathroom on purpose?

[Liam Shin]

His stomach felt like it hit the floor, they wanted to watch him, why didn't they just fucking lock him up in the loony bin. He swallowed hard before answering Susu, "What do you think?" He said dryly.

He wanted to cry out yes, yes I did it on purpose I just want to fucking die right now just kill me please I can 't living this life anymore. It's too much, so much I just can't do it. I need you. But Liam knew saying that would get him nothing. He could see it in his eyes he was over it, he was no longer fearing Liam's death but waiting for it to happen. Susu has had so many calls so many scares, his heart just became numb to it.

He wanted it to go back to the way it was when he and Susu first started seeing each other. Back when they did things for each other without being asked, they had movie nights, they snuggled and ranted about their days.

The past year or two have been rocky, Liam was at fault be kept pushing and pushing till Susu couldn't take it anymore. He broke so much trust but most of all he broke Susu's heart and that killed Liam inside. It killed him to know he was the one causing him the most pain.

Before the drugs, Liam would do anything for Susu to make him happy. He couldn't stand to see him unhappy, He used to be the one that made him smile now he was the one stressing him out the most. Liam wished he would have just died that night he couldn't take the pain inside the disappointment he felt like.

"So, why did you come?" His face was still covered he couldn't look at Susu not right now, not after being asked if he tried to kill himself, not after he failed he couldn't face him.

[Shimizu Susumu]

What did he think? He thought the worst. He hoped it wasn't what it looked like. He hoped that Liam wasn't so out of his mind that he believed death was the only way out. He hoped but he didn't think it was like that. By now, he thought Liam was shrouded in his own darkness and that sometimes it blinded him from what was right in front of him.

He didn't answer it. He only turned his gaze briefly away because he was pretty sure that Liam knew what he thought. Was it true, though? Would Liam really go that far? Susu licked his dry lips and looked back over at Liam, looking sad and far away in his hospital bed. Susu could see a shoulder peeking out from the flimsy gown.

"I was worried."

There was no point in lying about it. Despite everything, despite ending the relationship, he still cared whether Liam lived or died. Sometimes, he really wished that he didn't. It caused so much heartache and so many questions. What would happen next? Would he be called in to a corpse the next time?

Susu touched the edge of the bed.

"You have to stop."

[Liam Shin]

He knew deep down Susu was really worried and that hurt a lot to hear him say it. His body hurt but he felt so numb inside racing thoughts, they were all negative. Like how he was a piece of shit that didn't deserve to live he made everyone's lives harder by existing. He was selfish and greedy but most of all he was a disappointment.

He disappointed everyone.

He didn't need to keep living he didn't want to keep living all he wanted to do was shut off all his thoughts he needed it to stop.

Liam rolled over on his other side so he could look at Susu his eyes were blank he felt pain inside and hurt it was hard not to cry it hurt so much to see Susu but know he was no longer his.

"I can't," He paused and blinked his eyes they felt heavy and he couldn't see anymore. They were filled with tears as he opened his eyes a tear ran down either cheek and his eyes fluttered.

Looking deep into Susu's eyes, "I can't keep living like this, I need it to all stop."

[Shimizu Susumu]

Susu did not live in the perpetual madness or sadness that his partner did. He was a more straightforward thinker and less of an emotional person. That wasn't to say that he had no emotions or even that he was cold but he wasn't as susceptible to emotional or mental breakdowns as Liam was. He was strong; it took a lot to take him down. Even now, he probably seemed too controlled before the sight of his ex-boyfriend lying in a crumpled heap in a hospital bed.

The truth was, it affected him but he also had enough. He wanted Liam to be able to stand on his own and stop using others as crutches or reaching for the drugs, even though he knew that was hard for him. But he didn't really know. He could never know, that was the problem. For Susu, it was easy to say stop because he didn't feel the way Liam did everyday.

Still, he didn't want Liam to die. He didn't want him to give up his fight.

"No," he said, as if it were up to him. "You can't just quit."

He drew closer to Liam, slipping his hand over Liam's throat. It would be easy for him to just end Liam's suffering himself. He knew the spells, spells that could end it all.

"I won't let you. If you try to kill yourself, it will backfire," he said softly. Wisps of black magic gathered around Liam's throat. For a brief moment, it appeared as a tattoo around his throat, like curling black ink intricately linked around his throat.

"Every time you try, somebody else will die." It was a curse. It was drastic but he had to do it. Susu was also selfish. Slowly, he withdrew his hand and the markings seemed to seep into Liam's flesh, vanishing from sight.

[Liam Shin]

For a moment Liam thought he was going to choke him it was a feeling of relief washed over him. He began to cry tears of joy it was all going to stop. He was happy it was the man he loved that was killing him. If there was a so-called God his death wouldn't be a suicide.

Not that he believed it was just the way he was raised he was told there was a God a higher power. Liam didn't waste his time with religion. If there was a God he wouldn't let Liam live like this with this hurt that will never go away.

Narrowing his eyes in disbelief to what was happening he grabbed Suss wrist and tried to remove it before he finished the spell to no avail.

Once he did let go of his neck Liam rubbed his throat where he could feel the spell seeping in is skin.

"Why would you do that," He sat up quickly in his bed and grabbed Susu's shirt. He wanted to punch him and hug him at the same time and break down.

He clenched his shirt in his hand flexing his arms holding back from making a scene.

"You must really fucking hate me now to do that. He let go of his shirt and pushed Susu away.

"Just leave!"

"NOW!" He shouted at Susu, hurt not knowing how to process this.

He wanted to take a blade and cut his wrist and bleed out just to fucking kill someone in spite of Susu.

[Shimizu Susumu]

Maybe he should have done it. Maybe he should have killed Liam and put him out of his misery. But he was also selfish and he didn't want to see Liam die. He wanted Liam to find a way out of the darkness... or at least in the same part of the shadows that Susu lurked within. It would take time but... he hoped that Liam would be glad of this someday.

At the moment, however, he was spitting mad. Slowly, Susu took a step back and another one, his heart trembling at the hurt and rage in Liam's voice. Was that all they ever did to one another? Lash out and hurt one another? Whether with words or spells, it seemed like they were always hurling something at one another.

"I don't," he said softly. He didn't hate Liam. But he didn't bother trying to argue with him when he was like this. He'd learned from years of being beside him that it would just make things worse... and force Liam into saying terrible things he would regret later.

He lowered his head and then touched the knob behind him.

"Goodnight, Liam," was all he said before he left him in the hospital room by himself.

[Liam Shin]

Liam just watched him in disbelief once Susu left the room he began to throw a fit. Screaming and throwing whatever was in reach. He didn't know what to do all he wanted to do was sleep so he didn't have to think anymore.

They would sedate him if he didn't calm down so he just went overboard with it.

He knocked over the end table throw his pillows and the remote to the tv.

Liam jumps out of the bed and pulled his iv out and opened the door and started to scream at Susu as he walked away.

"I fucking hate you Susumu!" He started to run after him he was pissed and he was ready to put him in the hospital.

[Shimizu Susumu]

Okay.

Well.


This was rather... unexpected.

How did he not see this coming? After knowing Liam so long, this behavior still came as a shock to him. Susu was a calm person, he wasn't given to the kind of outbursts that Liam was prone to.

Still, he was halfway down the hall when he turned to see that Liam was screaming and shouting and running down the hall just to get at him. While Susu blinked and watched in some surprise, a couple of orderlies intercepted Liam, grasping him by the arms to try and bodily move him back into his room.